I haven’t been able to articulate all my thoughts about this past weekend, but I can still remember the feelings and emotions from being at ClexaCon. From being a panelist, to being a con volunteer, to being an attendee, it was such a surreal experience that I had to stop myself a few times and remind myself that it was real. I’ll always keep this weekend close to my heart, because of what it represents to me as a member of the fandom, as a member for the LGBTQ community, and as a member of a group of women who filled a void in my life that I didn’t even know I had (I’m looking at you, BayAreaKru).
To everyone who came to the event, all 2000+ of you, thank you for your support and believing that this tiny little con was important. Visibility is important, representation is important, you are important. Word to the wise, don’t miss out next year, because there will be a next year. :)
(Before you read: I got pretty personal in this post. I could have beaten around the issue, but I have had a lot of people in the past message me that my story is a lot like theirs and if my honesty can help others that are struggling, it will be worth it.)
First off, I would like to extend my thanks and gratitude towards the people that made the convention happen. My experience is just one of hundreds of LGBTQ+ individuals that attended this convention, that is changed their life of for the better. As we all know there is a TON of stuff that has to happen bts, that we don’t know the full extent of, to make conventions happen. Like, I don’t even want to think about all the work it takes. I just want all of the people that had a part in making this convention happen, whether you were a staff member, panelist, guest, volunteer, etc. that your time, effort, and possibly sacrificing parts of your own con experience to make sure people like myself were able to enjoy it is so greatly appreciated.
As someone who has been known in the fandom to analyzed things and can ramble on and on for days, it might be a surprise to you that I am left at a loss for words to write about the convention. I can’t find the words to encapsulate what it meant to me and the feelings I was experiencing –not to mention the complexity of those feelings. I have tried to write this so many times, but then draw a complete blank on how to describe it.
If I had to describe what Clexacon was to me in one word it would be a sanctuary. It was a place where I felt safe and content. I felt hope and peacefulness spreading throughout my body each day I was there. The more I hung out with people, went to panels, or just observed everyone around me walking around the convention, the more and more I felt the weight of all the years of self-hate, repression, etc. lift from my body and a sense of clarity wash over me. I was legit feeling like Alex Danvers as each wave of repressed memory came to the surface and critically looking at my life. Going to the panels was also a big part of that process. I began to look more in-depth at the underlying reason of the severe self-hatred I felt for so many years, years of struggling with anxiety and depression, the eating disorders that almost cost me my life, the purposeful secluding myself from others, and the loneliness I felt even though I was in a room full of people came to the surface. I was trying to process all of these emotions at once and it was very scary. But, it was like a peaceful liberating panic? If that makes sense? It was finally confessing to myself everything that I knew for years, like completely confessing to myself…but then panicking about it. Because, it’s me and I’m a chronic overthinker. Lol. Each day I would get more and more courage to be myself, to push past all the years of internalized homophobia that made me feel worthless and ‘wrong’.
Being surrounded by openly gay people that were authentically happy and full of pride for being part of the LGBTQ+ community was palpable in the air and you couldn’t help but feed off the energy. As someone who unfortunately doesn’t have this is my everyday life, I was trying to soak all of it in and store it in my memories to access it when I went back to my world of homophobic close-minded remarks. Clexacon was a place where I could be my true authentic self, or at least try to be. My authentic self with it came out to nerding about fictional characters, stories, etc. that I can’t talk to people about in my normal life. Also, my authentic self when it came to being part of this community.
Now, onto the convention itself. I was fortunate enough to make it to the Badge Pick Up party due to my flight getting in an hour early, and the wonderful appalachiansprung for picking me up from the Las Vegas airport. I want to take a moment and sincerely thank her for offering to pick me up from the airport and making sure I felt safe. She knew I had massive anxiety about traveling and her compassion and willingness to help me really meant the world to me. She really helped start off my trip to Vegas on a positive note, and without her, I wouldn’t have made it to the Badge Pick Up party, which I actually really enjoyed. I was able to meet my friends I had been talking to online, been mutuals of, knew of, and meet new people. It was just so surreal actually being face-to-face with these people. These people that you are friends with, but society telling you they “aren’t friends” because you don’t physically hang out with each other and it is only online. But these people actually know you better than people in your “everyday life”. For instance, the first person I met was my friend PJ. The weird thing was is that I was in the process of messaging her that I was at the party, and just as I was about to send it, I look to my right and she was standing there next to me, not aware that it was me next to her. I stopped typing and then said “hi” and it was the first of many “omg! You ARE real” feelings I had meeting people throughout the convention. I really REALLY enjoyed talking with the people who came up to me and said they were followers of my blog. Seriously, knowing that there are actual people behind URLS and seeing your faces and hearing your voices was incredible. When I asked the people I met to show me what their URL and icon was, I was able to recognize most of you and your support and kind words meant more to me than I can say.
The convention itself was better than I had expected. It was actually my first ever convention so I don’t really have anything to compare it too, but it was just so wonderful. The turnout was wayyyyy better than I expected. Seeing everyone in the main hall during the larger panels was just incredible, as well as seeing the floods of people roaming around the convention floor. We all know there were people trying to cast doubt on this convention and basically said it was “toxic” and were basically trying to get it canceled. Well, I’m so glad that this past weekend proved them SO SO wrong. It was so cool going up and down the vendor rows and seeing the spectacular artwork. I did only get one piece of artwork from the convention and it was Pappurrcat’s newest Lexa vs. Pauna drawing and she signed it for me (picture at bottom of post). I was not expecting to see @immochiball there! It was such a pleasant surprise to see her there! I really love her Lexacoon/Lionclarke artwork and it was great to show my appreciation for all her hardwork and it was funny that she knew exactly what piece of Lexacoon/LionClarke artwork I was fangirling about. It was so great to meet other talented people in our fandom I’m a fan or and friends of, or became friends of. People like @critter-of-habit , @foomatic , @commanderlexaofthegrounders , @decalexas , @lingeringlilies , @shes-special , @rin-says , @damnlexa, @molliemashstash , @oh-i-got-dibs , and i’m forgetting so many people so I’m sorry if i forgot you! I met sooooo many new people that I just clicked with and they made the convention an even better experience. Many of them in this photo below (but many are missing):
I will never forget the people I was fortunate enough to meet, talk to, and/or hang out with. I loved walking around Vegas with people and exploring places. So, by the end of this convention I have come to realize so many things. Realize so many things about LGBTQ+ issues, the dire need for representation, and about myself. I realized that I’m not alone. Leaving Clexacon was so hard. I already posted that I had a breakdown on the last day after I headed back to my hotel room and had to say goodbye to the people i met. The people I wanted to spend more time, as they were helping me more and more each day with feelings that I do deserve happiness, that I’m not alone, that there is nothing wrong with me, that I have value. This weekend was life changing for me. Even though this post is now close to 1,500 words…I still have not been able to fully express the importance this convention had on me in this post. I’m just so grateful for the experience and the wonderful people I was so fortunate to meet and now call friends.
I do have a few regrets…and one of them is not taking enough pictures. I was kinda mentally preoccupied (if you couldn’t tell reading this post. lol) and forgot.
I was hanging out with my boyfriend Derek at his loft. We have been dating for 7 months and we still hadn’t done anything. I mean we have been close but not yet. I wanted it to happen but i didn’t know how to tell him. I only had tonight before my foster dad comes home from his trip to vegas. We were sitting watching movies but i was bored so i decided to try to make it happen. I moved my shaky hand from my lap and put it on his chest and moved it down.
“What are you doing” he asked obviously not wanting my answer he removed my hand and put it back on my lap. Not even 10 minutes later i moved my hand to his arm and kissed his neck. My hand started moving from his arm to his chest and going lower. Right before i was where i wanted he stopped me again.
“Babe” he said looking right into my eyes with such love and i knew i could tell him everything. I moved my leg over his so i was sitting on his lap. I kissed his lips and he kissed back signaling he wanted it.
“Y/N what are you doing” he said when we broke the kiss
“I wanna do this” i said looking right into his eyes. The blue color had gotten a lot darker. He kissed me again and stood up caring me to the bedroom.
“Hey why are you so nervous” he asked me and looked deep into my eyes as he was hovering over me.
“Are you sure” he asked putting me down and hovering over me. My shaky hands went around his neck as i exhaled loudly.
“Yes” i said in a whisper if he wasn’t a werewolf he probably wouldn’t have heard me. He kissed me again and started kissing down my neck. Derek removed his shirt before lifting mine.
“What happened” he said. I guess there’s no way out of this. I had to tell him. I decided to just show him. I sat up straight on the bed and took my shirt off and he stared at all my bruises.
“I… My foster dad he…” i said with tear in my eyes. He understood and came up to hug me. I know he could hear my heartbeat and i knew he knew there was more to this.
“What happened” he said breaking the silence and moved away from me. Even though he tried to sound sweet i knew he was angry it’s just the way he is.
“I came home from school and i had forgotten to do the dishes so he started hitting me” i said looking down i was embarrassed
“When was this…” he probably thinks it was a week ago or something.
“When… When i was 8” i said almost whispering. He winded his eyes looking at me searching for more answers
“I was little. And i had been in that house for about 3 weeks. It wasn’t great but i had clothes to wear in the morning and i didn’t go to bed hungry. Well one day my foster mom was out and my foster dad asked me to do the dishes but i was late for school so i would just do them when i got home but then i forgot and when he got home he… he was furious. He pulled me into the living room and started hitting me saying “that’s what happens when you don’t listen” and i left the house and when i came back it was 3am so i just went to bed and when i woke up i thought he would say something but he acted like nothing had ever happened . I guess he just found it amusing to see me in pain because it became a normal thing.” i said sobbing. I looked at Derek who also had tears in his eyes
“Why didn’t you tell me” he put his hand in my cheek “Did you think i would hurt you too” he said and i raised my head looking him. How could he ever think that.
“No of course not… When it became a normal thing.” i started wanting to explain the rest
“Every monday and tuesday he would hit me and every saturday he would… take advantage of me” i said not wanting to say the actual words. Derek stood up from the bed. One single tear running down his gorgeous face. I could see the anger filling his body and all i wanted was for him to come back and hug me.
“When was the last time he…” he asked again. I couldn’t gather the courage to look at him.
“Last week” i answer the tears still falling down my face. I got up and put my shirt back on.
“I’m gonna kill him” he whispered.
“Derek please don’t be mad.” I said while hugging him.
“I am. He hurt you. In more than one way.” he whispered the last part not wanting to say it
“I know. But i just want you to stay here with me” I said. He finally calmed down and came to hold me. He wrapped his arms around my shaking figure and whispered sweet nothings into my ear.
So my cousin and I have been best friends for ten years now and our relationship has survived and thrived because of us jerking off together. Our bond is like no other and I consider him my brother. There is no feeling like knowing that a person will always be there for you through the good and the bad and us sharing a mutual interest in masterbating has helped our relationship stand the test of time. I am about to share a story with you guys about our time in Vegas and how we have grown our relationship to new heights.
My best friend and few other friends took a trip to Vegas to just relax and have a good time. If any of you have been to Vegas, you would know that you see beautiful women everywhere and you get the constant urge to bust a nut. Anyways as we made our way back to our hotel rooms best friend and I were in the bathroom until we both decided we should jerk off. He took out his phone and put on some porn and we began to masterbate in the bath tub. We were in a hurry to jerk because we knew our two other buddies would be coming back from the casinos real soon. As we are jerking, we notice the bathroom door opening and we just froze. We were nervous and I began to freak out, telling my best friend how could you forget to lock the door! My friend that opened the door asked if we were showering together. Instead of freaking out and showing signs of embarrassment, we embraced the situation and said yes we are, this is part of our friendship. He responded by saying that this is true love and this is the ultimate level of friendship.
Once he left, he closed the door and we continued to masterbate and eventually finished in the shower. We ended up taking a shower together and got ready to go out for the night.
For all you bros out there, masterbating with your best friend is an awesome experience and nothing to be shamed about. Having the ability to be fully nude and vulnerable is what builds confidence and trust. Masterbating with a bro is an amazing experience and I recommend that you all give it s try. You will not regret it!
It’s my blog so I can write whatever I want. However, I hate writing about the trials and tribulations of dating because I feel most of it is trouble. I’d love to write about all the good time but lesbianhonest, i don’t get to see much of that.
Anyways. His name is Vegas.
We had a magical week in Korea. We parted ways. We ended most communication.
Fast forward… my family invited me to go on a trip to Vegas’ hometown. He told me, whenever you’re in town, I got you. Cause he got it like that. So I jumped to the occasion. Hoping we could spark something up again. He agreed to get me a room and “most def” when I asked if he wanted to hang when I was in town.
Fast forward..today. As I overpacked and got all excited for the weekend with chances to see him. FB reminded me it’s his bday tomorrow, which he happen to omit in every conversation we had leading up to this weekend…. so I shoot him a message, wishing him a happy bday and if he doesn’t have plans, let’s celebrate.
His response… I’m out of town all of a sudden and the room he booked was mis-booked and he is getting someone to fix it.
So that’s where I’m at. At the airport. Furiously typing all my thoughts:
- not knowing if I’ll get a room when I get to my destination.
- Mad. Sad. Upset. Disappointed. Knowing I won’t be seeing him.
- Upset with his lack of communication.
- For having such high hopes from a stupidly magical weekend in Korea.
- For letting myself get in this situation
- And 101 other things that’ll just upset me for listing
This is me putting myself out there. This is me trying to date. This is me dating out of my typical ethnicity. This is me giving “long distance” a potential chance.
This is me, giving my all, and the world throwing it all back at me… in a million little pieces.