my skin is splotchy

4

This is for all my fellow desis. Regardless of how my bindi is, regardless of my Salwar Kameez or plaid, my full face make up or splotchy eczema skin, my huge glasses or contacts, wild eyebrows or done masterpieces, my culture is mine to consume. And if need be, it is mine to fiercely protect.

 We’re not your costume of the week. 

 We won’t be your leftovers after you steal the bits you like. 

 #reclaimthebindi

Confession: I feel just so ugly.

I am 20 years old. I’m supposed to be beginning my “prime” years of “beauty”. And yet…

I just spent the better half of an hour photoshopping my face. And I won’t lie and say I don’t want to cry. Because Honestly, I do.

Sometimes these “fits” of insecurity hit me. I start thinking about how despite my hard work to be presentable, clean, wear makeup daily, dress well and appropriately (you will NEVER find me out the house in sweats and a Tshirt) be well spoken, spirited and kind; I Am Ugly. It’s just a truth I have known my whole damn life. I am Unattractive. My mouth protrudes, my teeth are gapped, my eyes are small, my nose is big and disproportionate. My face is too young looking. My cheeks are chipmunky. My skin is dark and sometimes splotchy. My eyes are crooked and GENETICALLY darkcircled. I am literally irredeemably ugly.

I’ve had one relationship. It lasted barely 2 months. I have never really been flirted with. I was never asked to a school dance. I’ve never been on a date with a person who i met in PERSON first. I feel like my appearance keeps people from approaching me, and me from approaching them.

I try so damn hard to not be insecure. I do honestly. I really really do. But sometimes a sister just cannot always “be strong”.

It doesn’t help that society views women of my race and complexion as “the anti-standard of beauty.”.

I’ve literally just confined myself to not dating in college or even thinking about relationships because I know thinking about it will make me miserable.

And you say “So what? Who cares what you look like” But we all know that’s bullshit. We are humans. We are social creatures with a drive to procreate with the most pleasing partner. It is how our society works. All societies have a standard of beauty. I just happen to not fit this one.

All I can hope to do is be a better person, be kind, successful, loving to my friends and family and learn to live with the loneliness.