my sister is better than everyone else in the room

Frozen pissed me off and I'm going to explain some of why, and my take on how the film could have been improved +pictures!

Okay so I was sort of off-put by the art design in the advertising since it’s so… blah, but I realized I needed to try to put that aside and come to terms with the fact that Disney doesn’t make really art-designy movies anymore and it’s unfair of me to hate on it for that. So I decided to go check it out, after hearing it was good.

Um.

Good things! The entire first act is excellent. Poignant, effective, and interesting. The songs were decent, though most kind of forgettable and one the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life, but whatever. They did what they needed and I felt they were appropriate. The humor succeeded more often than not. The snowman was unnecessary, but… I didn’t mind him. These are the normal sort of Disney gripes that happen all the time when one has a film like this and wants more out of it. Okay, whatever. You can’t expect anything else from Disney.

Nah, that’s not what I hated so much.

Spoiler-free version: the film talks a lot about true love but never established its characters, plot, or importance, so the whole thing is a lot of uphill wandering to a climax that does nothing because there are no emotions in the movie, no rising and falling action, nothing. This movie is like a sugar cookie, lots of sparkle on top and nothing inside but over-sweetness and lies. 

Spoilers under the cut, and my version:

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background: sister and I have been proposing a Boston Corbett movie/musical/opera/comic book for years now
  • me: i wonder if boston corbett appears in a post-credits scene [in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter]
  • sister: boston corbett: vampire hunter
  • me: WOULD WATCH
  • sister: that actually fits QUITE WELL with his religious background!
  • me: you know who should play boston corbett, don't you
  • me: BOBBY CARLYLE
  • sister: ......
  • me: THAT IS EXACTLY THE ROLE HE WAS BORN TO PLAY
  • sister: you're right, he's just the right kind of creepy
  • me: AND HE CAN ROCK THE FACIAL HAIR
  • sister: and he has exactly the bad taste to choose a script featuring corbett as a lead
  • me: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING MY SCRIPT WILL BE BAD
  • me: but seriously
  • me: "Robert Carlyle plays a religious zealot who hunts down and kills John Wilkes Booth after hacking off his own genitalia with scissors"
  • me: like i'm surprised that hasn't happened already