So I decided that I would open up for those of you that actually care to get to know me a little deeper than what you do. I want to talk to you guys about my scars. I have scars from emotional wounds that never really went away. When I was a kid I realized that I had the ability to retain a lot of information and navigate through life struggles with unique precision. This made a lot of people like talking to me as a person and getting my advice. They also liked me because I was extremely cute, a fact that still remains. As time went on I realized that people would use me for my knowledge, wisdom, and good looks. My parents, my siblings, my friends, in my “relationships” people would take me and use me for their own reasons. They would expect me to always be a good time, provide an atmosphere of fun and adventure, make them feel better physically, spiritually or emotionally. People began telling me things to get me to trust them and love them, but they would hurt me every time. My parents would tell me they were going to do something and it would fall through. My friends would tell me they’d be there for me and they’d leave at the drop of a dime when I needed them. People that showed interest in me romantically would lure me in because of my body and my sexual freedom and tell me they would love me unconditionally and be honest and truthful only to lie and cheat on me. It became a pattern. So at first I got really depressed. I would eat a lot and I started having a lot of sex with whoever just to try to find someone that I thought would love me for me and not just what I could do for or to them. I messed around with so many people unprotected that I was scared that I would contract some type of disease for sure, but thankfully I never did. These escapades only granted me a wealth of knowledge to people and the ways that they lie, cheat, interact, communicate, make love, fuck, build you up, tear you down; many things! I learned how to read people based on the numbers of people that I interacted with. I thought that I would find someone that would give me what I needed which was love, honesty, respect and not just use me up and throw me away. I didn’t receive that. Instead I got negative situation after negative situation, each time hardening my heart a little more. I ended up broken and I didn’t know how to fix myself. I always thought I was a good guy, sweet, loving and generous, but people mistook that for weakness or sensitivity. In all actuality I was just giving love. Well during that time I figured out all of the things I like sexually and the types of traits in people that I gravitated towards. I began to retreat and guard myself, giving off an asshole personae when I was getting to know people because I was sure that they would use me and discard of me like an old rag afterwards. I still carry those scars. Now, I know that my happiness begins with me. I don’t need anyone to validate my joy and my goodness. I know that God made me special and I can help a lot of people. I don’t have to use my body to suppress my feelings, I can live them out loud no matter what they may be. I don’t need validation. I need real honest love and I get that from God. I had to change who I was in order to receive what it is that I had been searching for. While I still believe that I will receive my life mate, I don’t stress it too much anymore because when it’s time, they will be ready to receive what I have to give and will give what I’m ready to receive. I can’t lie, I get lonely at times. And there are definitely people that occupy my heart currently, one in particular, but I don’t usually hold all my eggs in one basket because I don’t trust that they aren’t leading me on or using me yet again. Honestly, I just want to find real honest love, settle down, travel, work hard, love hard, be free, make amazing love, and be 100% honest with someone. I don’t believe that to be too much to ask. Few have come close and broken me in the end, but I’m tired of being broken. I don’t need the sex because it’s empty without anything backing it up. I don’t need the money because it causes extra problems. I don’t need the social status, because people tend to interfere with your happiness. All I need is you, me and real honest love and we can go far. But I get nervous every time I get involved. “Am I being overbearing? Am I being too relaxed? Am I coming off as a know it all? Am I good enough?” These are questions that I’d ask myself. Those are the scars that only love can remove. Patience and love. It’s tough, but I live this life everyday. Not to mention my open lifestyle, monumental career goals and the schooling and learning that includes, getting physically fit to my liking, staying spiritually intact, and growing as a being. It’s a tough life. Everything and everyone is pulling and judging and talking and lying and faking and fucking and tricking and digging all to get themselves over. I’m a simple guy with big dreams, a big heart, and a lot of sense, but for once, I’d like to have the happy ending and not just write about it or read it in books. I just want to stop this chase to pursue the others. That’s all.