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Here’s the long awaited video of Drunk Trek! I’m doing my best to retell a classic Star Trek episode while being completely wasted. To prepare, we played the Star Trek drinking game (drink every time kirk rips his shirt, every time a redshirt dies, every time there’s gay etc.), using the very episode that we’re going to explain later. Enjoy this mess!

(also tagging these lovely people who wrote such nice replies back when I was hinting at this project)
@singingstarling
@accio-feels
@greenjimkirk
@grumpybisexual-tm
@softespock

Lay on Boop

So our group was on a quest to recur some kid’s cat and we’d found it on the opposite side of a river. As it was too deep to ford and too wide to cast any spells at the cat from the riverbank, the paladin waded out neck deep into the water, carrying me (the wizard) bridal style so I could Mage Hand this cat over to us without getting swept away by the current. This is when the following exchange took place.

DM: Once the cat is safely in your arms, you realize it’s not breathing.

Wizard: Gods. I. I think it’s dead.

Paladin: (looks at me, dead serious) Wizard. Boop me on the nose.

Wizard: What.

Paladin: Boop me on the nose with the dead cat.

Wizard: WHAT!?

Paladin: You’ll notice I’m not moving from this spot.

Wizard: (looks nervously around at the rushing water) Okay, okay fine, I’ll boop you with the cat.

Paladin: (to DM) Okay, I want to roll for Lay on Hands.

DM: Roll it, but take a -2 penalty.

Paladin: I Lay on Boop the cat! (rolls)

Long story short, the paladin rolled ridiculously high, her Lay on Boop succeeded, the cat woke up and freaked out, and we barely managed to make it safely to shore.

A Homestuck Character arc summary:
  • The world is on fire
  • John: oh geez that sucks *does nothing*
  • Dave: this is fine hold on lemme take a selfie
  • Rose: I tried everything to put out this fire, nothing worked. The only viable solution is that I summon the forces of evil.
  • Jade: Oh no! :0 *falls asleep and only wakes up for the climax*
  • Karkat: OH MY FUCK THE WORLD IS ON FIRE WHY IS NO ONE PANICKING NO ONE IS REACTING APPROPRIATELY TO THIS *I’M* NOT REACTING APPROPRIATELY TO THIS I HATE MYSELF.
  • Aradia: This was rather inevitable. I brought marshmallows.
  • Sollux: no one lii2tened 2 me when ii told you guy2 you were doomed ii have no sympathy for thii2
  • Tavros: uH, wHAT IS GOING ON?
  • Nepeta: :33 < *ac is sad her ship sunk because they died in the fire* they were purrfect for each other!
  • Kanaya: I Am All For The Utilisation Of Diplomatic Methods In This Situation However If All Else Fails I May Try The Chainsaw
  • Terezi: VR1SK4 NO
  • Vriska: That’s right!!!!!!!! Twas I that set the world a8laze!!!!!!!! 8ut that was inevita8le and now I’ll put out said fire, making me the hero you all deserved.
  • Equius: Is no being going to acknowledge how STRONG and L00d I am despite the situation.
  • Gamzee: Im GlAd We ArE aLl BeInG GoOd FrIeNdS
  • ...nevermind
  • MURDER
  • Eridan: wwhatever, this is not my fault.
  • Feferi: Glub! I’m shore we can sort it out if we just talk about our feelings!
  • Jane: It can't be that bad...*is that bad* oh shucks.
  • Dirk: I can handle the fire but can somebody please help me with my failures as a human being.
  • Jake: Wowie! I can finally live the adventure of a lifetime, just like my heroes! (Jake you are just showing your ass) Just like my heroes!
  • Roxy: imma put out the fire and imma be hot af while doing so just watch me
  • Calliope: Such a thrilling epic UoU
  • Caliborn: BUUUUURN MOTHERFUCKEEEERS!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to the brilliant Haruki Murakami -one of my favorite authors and one of today’s most compelling, imaginative voices.