my shit~*

Context: Party had entered a bar during a quest and they split up, with two members staying behind to enjoy a drink.
Barbarian: I want to crack a cold one with the boys
Me, the Dm: okay, roll for cracking the cold one
Barbarian: *gets a 19*
Me: You crack a pretty good cold one with the boys
Monk: I do the same *gets a 12*
Me: you crack a moderately cold one with the boys

Forgetful Players

Context- Earlier we were all gifted an item that would help us on our quest. I (The very young fang dragon) had gotten a key. I, the player, forgot about it. We arrived at a large door with a key hole oddly close to the bottom of the door

Truespeaker: “Okay [fang dragons name], would you open the door?”

Fang Dragon: “Why me? Is it because I’m small? Because I’m a dragon? Are you discriminating against me?”

Bard: “Yeah are you discriminating against her?”

Truespeaker: “No, I’m discriminating against the person with the KEY TO THE DOOR!”

No You Go Next!

I was playing a 2.5 campaign as a human fighter with my dad as the DM.  Our party had come across an abandoned inn filled with 100 orcs which attacked us on sight.

DM: Okay, Allyssa (me), a group of Orcs is running towards you, what are you doing?

Me: I’ll take a swing with my long sword at the one nearest to me.

DM: Roll

Me: 20!  That’s automatically max damage!

DM: The one in front running towards you keeps running as you swing your sword to the side and cut his head clean off.  Another one is moving to attack you, only slightly phased by what just happened to their leader.

Me: I’ll swing again.  *Nat 20* A 20 again!

DM: As the orc runs at you, you bring your sword down and pull it up through his body, cutting him clean in half.  Both halves of his body go racing past you on either side of you.  At this point the orcs have formed a circle around you and seem more hesitant to attack.

Me: I’ll attack whatever one is closest to me.

I ended up rolling another 20 and two 18s and the orcs ran away from me only to die by the fire wizard’s hand.  My dad and the rest of the party called me the blender from then on.

yungtsundere  asked:

Love your trans peter post! My head cannon is steve being trans. Back in the day, he was short and small like peter. How quick to violence people were with poor 1900's steve. The real reason he couldn't get into the army was because what was on his birth certificate. When Bucky told him to 'sell bonds/manufacture' instead of enlist, those were woman's jobs back then. The doctor hooked him up with the super soldier experiment, adding in extra procedures.

damn u right!! but okay- I’ve actually been meaning to talk about my trans Steve headcanon for quite some time now, so I’m just gonna info-dump a bunch of trans history and MCU interpretations right here. SO:

First of all, the setup of Steve Rogers as a short, scrawny boy who’s bullied and beat up all the time fits easily with how a trans man in the 1940s might have lived. This scene from Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) honestly looks like that cliche trans art trope where it’s like: “trans person looks in the mirror and their reflection is the right gender”. you know the one.

Later in that same scene, Bucky outright says that the reason he thinks Steve is joining the war is to “prove himself.” You could totally interpret this as Steve trying to shove himself into the absolute most masculine role in his society in order to reaffirm his own gender identity. 

Bucky is also incredibly worried about the consequences Steve will face if he is “discovered falsifying enlistment documents”. If you headcanon Steve as a trans man, this adds new depth to the stakes. Instead of lying about his respiratory issues and hometown, Steve would be lying about his sex assigned at birth. Which, given the state of the US in 1943, would’ve had even harsher punishment.

It’s also interesting that Dr. Abraham Erskine (the man who accepts Steve into the military) is a German scientist. In the early 1900s, the Germans were at the forefront of medical treatment for trans people. The first clinic to treat transgender people (Magnus Hirschfeld’s ‘Institute for Sexology’) opened in Germany in 1919. But as the Nazis came to power in the 1930s, many of the German scientists at this clinic migrated to the US to treat the trans people here. 

Steve is recruited by Dr. Abraham Erskine in 1943, which would be congruent with the time the German scientists from the ‘Institute for Sexology’ immigrated to the US. So, to clarify: a German-American doctor spends his life researching and creating a serum that instantly masculinized Steve via intra-muscular injection. I would like to point out that for trans men, testosterone is administered the same way. Also, this timeline just so happens to line up with a key point in the history of transgender medical treatment. Huh. Interesting.

In addition, the following quote by Dr. Abraham Erskine can easily lend itself to a discussion on transmasculinity:

“…the strong man who has known power all his life, may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows… compassion.”

and– hey, I just wanna point out the… interesting parallel… between the flag pole scene in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

and the arrow scene in Mulan (1998)

…like wow… okay. there’s actually a lot of parallels between these two movies, (except in Mulan the protagonist enters the ‘male’ gender role out of necessity whereas Steve does so by desire, differentiating between a cross-dresser and a trans man) but I won’t go there today. nope.

Then the introduction of Peggy Carter leads Steve to question his existing perceptions of gender roles. He admits that “I guess I just don’t know why you’d join the army if you were… a woman” which, under this trans interpretation, could be Steve projecting his own relationship with gendered aspirations onto Peggy.

And god, that’s not even delving into how easily his ‘transformation sequence’ could fall into a trans narrative.

In the second act of the film when a woman hits on him, Steve responds with visible discomfort. When he first realizes that she’s hitting on him, his immediate reaction is to cover his chest.

The First Avenger mentions Steve’s lack of romantic/sexual experience many times throughout the film. Steve passes it off as ‘not having found the right partner yet’ but hypothetically– if he were a trans man, that could be another reason for his fear of sexual intimacy. If he’s #stealth and passing as male, then any form of sexual intimacy could risk his reputation and his ability to remain in the military. 

Oh, and did I mention? Statistically speaking, approximately 20% of the US transgender population serves (or has served) in the military. This is over double the rate of the cisgender population. So, tbh, it’s not unrealistic to have a trans character so adamant about enlistment, patriotism, or military life.

Anyways, yeah- Captain America’s story (especially in the MCU) definitely lends itself to an interpretation of Steve Rogers as a trans man.

Uh, Lucky God?

(So there we were, a 6th level party fighting our way through an ambush of empowered undead, still trying to get used to our first mythic tier. The heavy hitter of the encounter is an empowered undead STORM GIANT, that just made an attack roll of 41, and hit the Fovung the Paladin for more than half his HP. So I, playing Jack the Rogue, start racking up some sneak attacks, accidentally drawing his attention.) 

DM: The storm giant is crackling with electricity, channeling the energy from his chest into his rusty greatsword. So, Jack: Any last words?

Magnus the Summoner: Flip him off!

Jack the Rogue: Yep, I’m doing that. I just hope it’s a low roll.

(At this point, I’m doing the math in my head. “He just has to roll *just* low enough… pleasepleasepleaseplease…”)

(The giant rolls with a +26 modifier, for a total of 33. Any other combat I would figuratively shit my pants at this number. But the instant I see the roll…)

Jack: YES!! YES!! *YEEEEEEEES!!!*

Literally everyone else: Wait, what?!

Jack: MYTHIC!! DOOOOOOOODGE!!

Magnus: He burns one mythic power and adds a +10 dodge bonus to his AC!

DM: How much did it miss by?

Jack: ONE!!

*assorted laughter*

DM: Alright, it’s your turn now. You just Matrix dodged that electrified greatsword by a hair. It came so close you smelled the rust and ozone coming off of it. What are you gonna do?

Jack: Full attack this guy, and top it off with a Surprise Strike that cuts through his DR!

(After just enough sneak attack damage in one round…)

DM: The storm giant falls to his knees, the knees you stabbed to hell. He’s falling towards you. Roll me a reflex save.

Jack: 27! I jump straight up, land on the back of his head, and RIDE HIM DOWN TO THE GROUND! 

Fovung the Paladin: Jack killed the giant! You should call your sword “The Beanstalk”!

Jack: I AM A GOD!!!

(Didn’t even take a single hit that entire encounter. Lucky God.)

Swap FTW

A buddy and I decided to swap characters. I went from playing my bugbear barbarian at levle 11 running Tomb of Horrors, to running her Cleric with a Rogue Dip….suffering 2 levels of exhaustion,almost out of spells, and without any idea what was in her spellbook. We warned my DM….didn’t think to warn hers. I park in her spot, explain our idea, and start scanning the sheets. 

Story begins. I’m still in Barb-mode, and march through a door into a room of stuffed cats, and a statue of a man wearing a tiger mask. I elect to remove the mask. He comes to life and attacks me. Dm - “Roll initiative!”  I’m near the bottom. Other players attack. I’m frantically looking for SOMETHING useful to do.
My turn. “I am going to seduce the man.”
DM “Uh, ok, how?”
“I’m going to dip him, like in a romantic play I saw once.”

DM-“Roll!”

4! Dm- “Roll dex!” 16! *phew* You don’t fall down, and he’s un-seduced, but a little confused. 

“That would have gone sooooo much better if I had a rose to put between my teeth, like really up the romance, you know?” to the other cleric. 

Other players attack, tiger man attacks me, the other cleric… “I pull out my flute and begin to play.“ 
Dm "Do you have a magic flute or anything?” “No, it’s just a normal flute.” “Ok, roll your performance at disadvantage” 12, I think. The player begins to pointedly hum “Careless Whisper” at me.

I ask the DM if the “romantic pointed fluting” gives me advantage…he agrees, this allows me a straight roll on this second seduction attempt. 16! 

Dm- He’s not seduced, but you do pull off the dip, and now he is VERY confused. 

Another player swings a hammer at his head, bouncing it off mine and doing damage to both. Tiger man changes into a tiger. Before the DM can tell me what happens….I interject.

“My strength is SO low, a 700 # tiger would just fall to the ground and take me with its.”
Dm- “Ok, you are snuggled into the tiger’s tummy, he attacks (dice roll behind the screen, he drops his head into his hands) the tiger misses. Apparently you’re too close to attack." 

Other cleric switches tunes to "Let It Go”  (She has been humming careless whisper the WHOLE ROUND!) casts guidance on me. 

I make eye contact with the DM. “Do I have advantage over this guy due to the musical accompaniment and general ridiculousness.”

“Sure, yeah.”
“I’m going to use animal handling”
He says, ok, it’s going to be a hard check…..“  

Me "Nat20, and a 4 on the D4”. 

Dm- Well I guess combat is over, and Ancora is now cuddling and talking silly to a tiger on the floor.

A few checks later, and I got to give my friend her character back, now in possession of an immortal undead were tiger, answering to Mr. Cuddlypoof, and who will literally follow her anywhere. :) 

Other cleric - “I need to play a bard” 

Me “Yeah, that was freaking genius, and extremely funny to boot!” 

I’ve been invited to play at his table anytime. ;)