my shits 1

An ill-advised jailbreak

Context: My halfling bard had been seen using magic by a group that is staunchly anti-magic. He had been put in a cell, and some very significant events occurred.

Dm: You are thrown into the cell. It is padded and the only thing in the room is a toilet. No sink, no bed.

Bard (ooc): Wait I still have all my stuff, right?

Dm: Yes, you do.

Bard (ooc): I’m gonna use my miner’s pick on the toilet.

Dm (chuckling): You get in a few good hits before the scent of vanilla washes over you. Con save. (Fails) You pass out. You awaken some time later, stripped of your possessions and clothes, you are now wearing a straitjacket with markings all over it.

Bard (ooc): can I try to weasel out of it?

Dm: Strength check.

Bard (ooc): Oh I thought I was gonna like, wiggle…whatever. (Rolls strength: 20 with bonuses)

Dm: Jesus…okay, you hulk out, ripping the bindings of the straitjacket.

Bard (ooc): fantastic. How big is the room?

Dm: 10 feet by 10 feet.

Bard (ooc): …fuck it, I’m casting thunderwave as a second level spell. I’m gonna blast open this door.

Dm: OKAY. You cast Thunderwave, the force of which buckles the door significantly, though it does not give way. The force of the thunderwave bounces back off of the walls, roll 9d8 damage. (After bard got the con save, it was halved)

Bard (ooc) (sweating): 40. I take 20 damage. I’M ALIVE! Bloody and naked, but ALIVE!

Dm: yeah well now a parade of guards flood in, holding rods with electric ends.

Bard (ooc): Okay, I’m gonna intimidate the shit out of them before they attack.

Dm: One chance.

Bard: YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS, I’M A FACELESS MAN (men in this group allowed to use magic), I COULD KILL YOU ALL! (Rolls intimidation, nat 20)

DM: you are nude, bloody, you just exploded the room, you yelled stuff at them they didn’t understand, and threatened to kill them. They’re pants-shittingly terrified, so they’re going for the kill, now. You rolled too well.

Bard: SON OF A BITCH.

The bard didn’t die. But bard had a bad time, after that he was strung up, suspended in the room, blindfolded, gagged, and still nude. If only he were kinky.

i honestly don’t think i want to work in politics because i know what it entails and it’s ugly and depressing and dirty and honestly… this last year has pushed me farther to the brink than ever… so…

if i worked in politics? as my actual full-time job? i’d kill myself.

Licking the Carpets Clean

Background: The party had just moved into an abandoned keep and were a few days into restoring it to a liveable condition. It is now late in the evening and the hired housekeeper, a mid-twenties human woman, comes out of the kitchen to bring a quickly prepared dinner to the group. She had been receiving some grief from our tiefling paladin about the floors not being clean enough to eat off of all day. So when she sets the food before us she mutters under her breath, “I swear, if anyone drops any of this on the floor I will make you eat it off the floor and/or lick the carpets clean.”

Me (human druid): Do I hear this.

DM: It was muttered loud enough that you could hear it with your passive perception, yes. 

Druid: I would like to cast feather fall on the housekeeper and then make an attack roll to trip her with my staff.

DM: Okay, make an attack roll vs her dexterity saving roll, with advantage thanks to feather fall.

Druid: rolls 17 

DM: Well she rolled a 5 and an 11, so as she turns back towards the kitchen you lower the end of your staff catching it between her feet and she falls to the ground, quickly at first and then softly as feather fall takes affect. 

Everyone: (silence)

Druid: I look down at the housemaid, smirk, and then with my -2 modifier to charisma say, “Oops looks like I dropped you on the floor, I guess I will have to lick your carpet clean.“ 

(Everyone looks to me and then the DM, stunned, as this is the first time ever playing my character has done anything like this, usually being the serious one of the group)

DM: Roll a straight charisma check, with disadvantage. 

Druid: First roll Natural 20, second roll… another Nat 20!!

DM: Seriously, she rolled a 2 for her charisma saving throw!

Druid: The druid leans further down to her ear and whispers, "your quarters or mine”.

(Everyone loses it at this point.)

(The housekeeper and my druid have been dating ever since and may have a little one on the way.)

Context: I'm a human rogue and we're playing D&D over a skype call

human rogue (ooc): I call everyone over
dm: what do you say? some kind of like, “avengers assemble” type thing?
tiefling druid (ooc): fuckboys assemble!
dm: okay, so you say…
druid (ooc): no wait, fuckboys FORNICATE!
dm: okay, is that what you want to say?
rogue (ooc) while sitting in the middle of his living room right next to his goddamn father and 12-year-old brother: uh, yeah, I say that thing that he said

4

“It would be my pleasure.”

◇ Waters ◇

aaah glad I could make another speedpaint~ sorry about yesterday, i was pretty packed with schoolwork and projects. Have a gaster sans for today anyway~ heck this is a whOLE LOT OF BLUE

Lovewave - 그 밤 (The Night)