my sassy bastards

Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian: A Translation

This is a translation of the Gnommish written at the bottom of the pages of the novel Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian, written by Eoin Colfer. Punctuation and embellishments such as hyphens, apostrophes, and italics have been added. The English translation is as follows:

The last will and testament of Artemis Fowl the Second.

Being the final wishes of Artemis Fowl in the event of his death at the hands of the pixie Opal Koboi.

Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this will becomes null and void and shall have no weight in any court, human or fairy.

I, Artemis Fowl the Second, being of exceedingly sound mind and reasonably sound body, bequeath my estate and advice as follows.

To my father, I leave the three hundred million dollars in bearer bonds that are hidden, believe it or not, under my own bed, the last spot anyone would think to look, and possibly the most booby-trapped place on earth. Butler will know to disengage the security measures.

To my darling mother, I leave my stocks portfolio, including my shares in ethical funds and registered charities, which I know she will manage with the usual moral determination, and I also bequeath to her the department store on New York’s Fifth Avenue, which I had planned to give to her on her birthday.

I wish my brother Myles to inherit my laboratory and all its equipment, with access to the special projects room to be granted on his eighth birthday, when he will be mature enough to deal with other dimensions, alien, and time travel.

For my brother Beckett, I have purchased a lifetime’s supply of slime, so he can coat himself in gunge as often as he pleases. I also wish Beckett to have the ant farm, provided he promises not to eat any of the ants.

My faithful bodyguard, Butler, is of course entitled to his generous severance package, and is under no obligation to stay on, but it would be greatly appreciated if he renewed his contract and remained in the employ of the Fowl family. Apart from his pension, I wish Butler to become legal owner of the apartments in which he has lived since I was born, and the dojo where he tried to teach me to fight.

To Juliet Butler, who has protected my brothers so faithfully, I leave my sound system, which is based on gel speaker technology, and which should make even her collection of modern music sound reasonably non-offensive. I also leave to Juliet the three sports cars, and a lifetime subscription to the wrestling channel.

To my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police, I leave the thirty-seven solid gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped her all those years ago. I know that I can never make up for that crime, but hopefully you can think of me as a friend, when you do think of me.

To the dwarf Mulch Diggums, I leave the refrigerated warehouse in London Docklands that is stocked with enough frozen chicken to satisfy even his appetite for several decades.

To the centaur Foaly, I leave the blueprints to an interstellar craft that is so advanced, it makes his spacecraft look like hot air balloons. I have hidden the designs inside his own system, where he would never think to look for them. To find them, Foaly must open his own security file to me, blink eight times, and say the words, “Artemis Fowl is smarter than I am.” I this does not work, then at least I will smile in the afterlife.

This is repeated as many times as the number of pages in the novel permits.

asdfhkahladfhkl… but rose hair tho

This SSAASSSYY BASTARDD AAAAA <3 <3 <3 <3 im…. too in love ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

AK IS KILLING ME!!! Imma die of nosebleed on of these days T//////T Gosh like srsly it was worth the wait!!! Balder 3 star is just too…. TOO GOOOODDD AAAAAAAAA ///////////////////////////////// please marry me Q///7///Q~~ 


kk I shall calm down ;;;; hngggg;;;;;