my room records

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“Reading was like an addiction; I read while I ate, on the train, in bed until late at night, in school, where I’d keep the book hidden so I could read during class. Before long I bought a small stereo and spent all my time in my room, listening to jazz records. But I had almost no desire to talk to anyone about the experience I gained through books and music. I felt happy just being me and no one else. In that sense I could be called a stack-up loner.” 

― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun 

Move on – Jeff Atkins x Reader

Request: Hello! :) I’m a sucker for angst so I was wondering if you can do one based on the song Lips of An Angel? Like maybe the reader and Jeff broke up then months later they decided to get back into dating someone through dollar valentines? They’re dating someone new but both is secretly still in love with the other without them knowing? And both regrets or smth. Fluff or angst ending you decide hehehe –K

Summary: The italicized letters mean that the scene described is a flashback..

I heard this song while I was writing.

Words: 3572

Reader’s point of view.

Enjoy it!


Your name: submit What is this?

The music was too loud, possibly heard in the next few blocks. The party was at its point and i was dancing in the middle of the room, shaking my hair and a red glass at the top of beer in my hand. I wasn’t worried that i would shed a considerable amount of liquid in every movement, but who cared? Everyone here was drunk enough to need my drink. Tomorrow I would regret this, especially for the hangover but I would take care of that in due time.

I stopped for a few seconds to drink the little content I had, I didn’t used to go to parties, but when I did, I knew perfectly how to have fun. I usually came with my boyfriend, but lately he’s committed to his qualifications after receiving an ultimatum from his trainer, who had missed this one. I could have been a good girlfriend and stay home an assistant, but the reality was, i wasn’t better than he at school, and this party was important so that we both lost it. For the moment, I received no threats to drive me out of the cheerleading squad, so I don’t worry about staying home and studying, not on a Friday night. No doubt, I was already drunk. Jeff wasn’t going to love this.

“You move very well, girl”

I turned with a big smile on my way to the voice behind my back. A boy, who was supposed to know because his face was too familiar, perhaps sharing a class or two, it didn’t matter, it wasn’t the time to think about the institute, or tasks or anything else.

After seeing that boy at the party, there is no record of anything else, until a few hours after Jessica was in charge of giving me a good reprimand, regret that she hadn’t had a portal like a saint during the celebration, although At least she did it with her boyfriend. That boy, he wasn’t my boyfriend. My boyfriend had stayed at home among books, while I was making one of my worst mistakes in my life, and there was no day until today that I regretted every action that night.

I balanced my phone in the dark of my room. There is no record of having brought me a house where I wasn’t very well received, now carried a good punishment, and not for attending the party, but for the painful state in which I came. At least I’m not drunk anymore. But i repent and be destroyed. I look with tears in my eyes at the screen of my cell, the name of Jeff is there and just press the icon to call to end this. How could it have happened? How could I have made him the best boy he has ever known? Why did I even attend that party … without him? I cover my face with my hands and sob. There were many people who realized what happened. On Monday someone would tell Jeff, and i knew he had to know for me. He was going to send me to the devil, perhaps in such a kind way that it will make me feel worse. At no time in our long relationship has he manifested with me in a bad way, I have never had the voice, no matter how angry I was for the madness that I sometimes made, it was more than madness and even then I knew him well enough. Who will not even dare to tell me the word “bitch” to think about it, is another matter that I would never know.

I bit my lip hard. It was three o'clock in the morning, possibly I would be asleep. Later we were going to the movies and then to dinner, but I couldn’t look him in the eyes, I couldn’t go out with him, not after what I did. I always knew Jeff was the good of the two … and I didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve someone like me.

Finally I pressed the call button and while I waited for him to answer, I worked on reassurance.

“Y/N? Is everything okay? "His voice sounded sleepy but alert. Who would call in the wee hours of the night unless it was an emergency?

I closed my eyes, letting more tears drain away.

"No,” I whispered.

“Where are you? Did something happen to you?” I heard the squeak of his bed. Possibly sat or got up. I imagined him taking his jacket. He was able to drive to my house right now. A pang pierced my chest and I felt worse.

“I’m home,” I murmured.

“Then why are you calling me at this hour?” Another squeak. He sat down again.

“I …” I covered my mouth at the threat of another sob “I … I have to tell you something, Jeff”

It took a few seconds to respond.

“You’re worrying me, I can go to your house right now, just leave the window open”

I smiled through tears. It wouldn’t be the first time he would sneak into my room, possibly his most rebellious act, but only when my sadness and worry wouldn’t let me sleep, he would come in, we would lay on my bed and caress my arm while telling me some anecdote . He wouldn’t leave until I fell asleep, when I woke up I found a note, either on paper or on my phone. My smile was blurred again.

“Stay there, Jeff.” I couldn’t see him. “I did something very bad.” And I burst into tears. I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t even want to break his heart, but neither did he deserve to stay with me, nor could I pretend that nothing had happened. I didn’t want to lose him, but that decision no longer belonged to me. He waited in silence “I can’t tell you what, but … I can let you go”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jeff …” I closed my eyes to say the following words: “I’m breaking up with you. You and I … we’re done”

“Y/N”

And I hung up, not giving time to his questions or his talks trying to blame himself for my decision so hurried. But it wasn’t his, it was mine. I couldn’t break his heart, not with the truth, but with the call, i knew that i had already done so. I dropped my phone and ran to my window to close it securely and run the curtains enough not to see a shadow. I would give him at least fifteen minutes for him to play in this one, i only had fifteen minutes to fall asleep or torment me with the nonstop touches Jeff would make.

A slap on my shoulder startled me back to the present. Liberty High at the time of changing classes and crowded aisles. I had been five minutes in front of one of the posters that announced the Dollar’s Valentine while remembering that soon it would be the dance, the first one that would go without a partner … Without my boyfriend. It had been two months since I ended my relationship with Jeff Atkins because of my actions and not being able to control myself with the drink. A few days later, he had learned the truth, what i had done, and finally he understood why my call at three in the morning. At present hardly and looked at me. We practically passed the other without talking to each other, not smiling at us and not looking at us, at least he didn’t, I would usually stop in the middle of the aisle and turn to see him leave, with the slight hope that he would return to do the same, But he never did and that hurt me a little more, just as guilt was growing.

I looked at Jessica who smiled at me and looked at the poster that had brought me a bad memory.

“Will you come in?” She asked.

“To our own campaign? Would that be fair? "I said in a muffled tone. The truth is that I didn’t want to find a list with future ideal couples. It’s to the benefit of our squad, but I was afraid to see five names and that none outside of Jeff, though that would not change at all.

"It would serve to set the example.” Jess smiled again. She knew my situation perfectly and didn’t waste a day trying to cheer me up.

“Will you come in?”

She snorted and rolled her eyes.

“You know I don’t need it”

Of course, she had a perfect relationship with her boyfriend Justin Foley.

“We’d better go,” I murmured, and without waiting for her, I began to walk. It remained in her if she followed me or took a different course.

After that awful slide that caused me the loss of someone important in my life, one of the best things that could happen to me, I decided to commit myself to raise my grades in high school. At home, they thought, having finished with my boyfriend had raised my notes, which was why Jeff had been classified as a distraction. Usually after school I went to the classroom to finish my homework or catch up with notes from a classmate; I was also motivated by the fact that I could observe Jeff in the distance, even working with Clay Jensen.

I left my things on a table far enough away from that pair and went to one of the shelves, I needed to get a history book that was worth it to do a rehearsal. I stopped to examine the titles in front of me, but in fact, I didn’t read them because I had a perfect panorama of the profile of my now ex-boyfriend. I couldn’t help it. Having done so because of my mistakes didn’t mean I didn’t love him anymore. Instead, every day, every second of my life, my love for him grew; When I saw his smile, when I saw him playing, or when I peered at him from my desk and I saw his reactions relieved when they gave him a task and the qualification was high. That’s my boy, committed and mending his mistakes instead of running away and hiding. He was the opposite of me. Besides, i wouldn’t find someone like him and wasn’t interested in doing that search. I only wanted him, even though now it was impossible.

I had it all with Jeff Atkins and my foolishness made me lose it. I should never have gone to that damn party. I should have driven in the opposite direction, direct to his house and help him in his work.

I felt my eyes fill with tears as I returned to the present. I took a book without bothering to read the title or not, the truth is that I had lost interest in doing homework on this site, I would take care of it at home. I looked at Jeff one last time to find that he held a paper in his hands. I narrowed my eyes at the decorations of the same one, the same ones that I had suggested when we were preparing the Dollar’s Valentine. Was he entering the game? I felt my heart break and however much I wanted to claim him, I had no right. He had moved on, just what I wanted, maybe find a girl much better than me. At least I thought, but my body took on a life of its own, went to the table, took her backpack and folder and left the classroom directly to the reception. I would buy my Dollar’s Valentine too.

I lost five dollars for five names. Jeff Atkins and I had few things in common, but at least enough to have him on my list and I show up in his. I filled out the form as fast as I could but being honest and deposited the money in front of my partner who smiled. Yes, I supported our campaign, but those had been my last five dollars to survive on the week. When I was handed the sheet, I doubted those results, four names I knew, one not really, but what puzzled me was that nowhere was the name of Jeff. This was really wrong, what kind of deception are we promoting?

“Sheri?”

She looked up at me with a smile. She was hoping to tell her the names that had been my list.

“From cheerleader to cheerleader. Did Jeff Atkins come by or did you give him his list?”

She laughed and shook her head. Yes, it seemed the typical ex who didn’t exceed the boy, and it was true, but if his name didn’t appear and I was honest in my answers, I even knew what he would answer, then it was possible that I imagined it with that sheet. No, my imagination had not been, I was sure.

“Jeff?” She mocked “No, not at all, and I doubt he does. You should know that, Y/N”

“I know. I just … I don’t know … "I looked at my sheet. Five dollars in the trash, I would run out of food to try something.

"Then you did it for him?”

I folded my sheet in half, it would look bad if I wrinkled it in front of her. This was our idea, which bad example would be giving, everyone would take it as it was a simple crap.

“I’ll see you at the dance”

I left the office and school as a soul that leads to the devil.

Dave held out his hand to me as he kindly opened the door to his car. I managed not to step on the dress with my favorite color that I had decided to wear at the Valentine’s Ball. I still questioned why i had agreed to come and especially with a date, product of the absurd list of Dollar’s Valentine that in the end had decided to take the floor, After all, if the boy was in the five chosen, then we had to have something in common, although the way here was absolutely silent, or it was my lack of motivation to try to move forward. I looked at the sidetracked boy as we walked to the entrance of the auditorium, he wasn’t even half of handsome that Jeff, in fact, what I thought, is that he didn’t get to the heels of my boy … my not boy.

I tried to put on my best smile as we walked through the doors. My arm recharged in Dave’s, how much falsehood in one scene. I had also turned out on the guy’s list, incredibly first, instead, on mine, turned out to be the third. I didn’t want to take the first one because it was one of my friends, it would only make it more uncomfortable. So I took the stranger, whom I probably decide to ignore after tonight.

“Do you want something to drink?” His voice caught my attention and I watched him blink. I hoped he hadn’t found me looking all over the place for that smile that fascinated me.

“Sure.” I replied with a smile.

Dave left and I sighed in relief, why didn’t I just decide to come myself? Why didn’t I just throw the list in the trash and get on with my life without five dollars less in my wallet? What’s more, why did I even come to a party full of lovers? For him? What if he didn’t come? What if he came with someone else? It made a knot in my stomach, as if I had not eaten all day and I moved from the place, forgetting for a few seconds, that my partner would look for me at any moment, but I had had enough of Dave, I hadn’t even attracted a bit.

I moved near the door, hiding behind balloons, I hadn’t seen him in the gym, so he may not have arrived. I remained there for at least ten minutes, until he appeared, with a girl hanging from his arm; A smiling blonde, as if she had waited for that opportunity all her life. And I recognized her, oh, of course I knew her; She is in my algebra class and I was also aware of the taste she had for who was my boyfriend, that was the main reason why she hated me or why she snorted and rolled her eyes every time I entered the classroom, Yes I’m still breathing, fool. And I felt doubly hurt. Jeff knew I couldn’t stand her either, the product of my jealousy, and had brought her to the dance, wanted to prove something? Did he imagine that I would introduce myself and see him? The blood began to boil, I left my hiding place and I avoided that my eyes were filled with tears. Now it was more my anger, of all the girls of Liberty High, had to be precisely she with whom he come.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, Y/N” Soon I had Dave by my side.

“I’m finished with this. Find someone who has come alone.” I didn’t even look at him when I left following that couple.

To have seen him with another, one that I didn’t approve of course, and that went against my good wishes for him to move on, made me understand, that i had been a complete idiot in having lost him and that i wanted to stay with him. I would somehow amend what I did, and that he would forgive me.

When I got to where they were, with my best smile I took him by the arm, he turned and his eyes widened, or he pretended quite well or really didn’t expect to see me here.

“Can we talk for a second?” I tried to hide the anger. The blonde took his other arm.

“Now he’s with me, pretty”

“You quiet you look prettier. Maybe you’ll catch something else.” I looked at her with superiority and she rolled her eyes “Jeff?”

He sighed.

“All right. I’ll be right back.“ He said to the blonde, oh, of course he wasn’t coming back.

I smiled at the girl, who, after making sure Jeff didn’t see her, showed me the middle finger.

"What?” He told me once that we were far enough away to speak without screaming.

“I don’t know … I just” I looked in the direction of where we had gone “Really, Jeff? Her?”

“Do you worry about me dating someone else? Isn’t it what you wanted, Y/N? I don’t understand you. She is a good girl”

I swallowed the mocking laugh I was about to take out.

“It’s what I want,” I said. “Or I wanted … I’m not sure anymore. I just … I realized that …” I squeezed my lips “I never asked you to forgive me for what I did” He looked away “I know I did you a lot of damage and I did to me too, but I guess I deserved it. I’m not going to tell you that it was just a kiss, because I know how important that is for you … for both”

Jeff finally looked at me.

“Why after two months, you come to the dance and you apologize to me?”

“Because I couldn’t remain at peace with myself, the guilt still follows me” I crossed my arms “I just needed to ask your forgiveness to understand that I must let you go. You can go with her now”

It hurt too much. My first intention to pull him away from that blonde was to retrieve it, but now, being alone, I remembered that ours was finally over, that there was a possibility that he would never forgive me and that I should go ahead, just what I too should be doing.

I watched as Jeff hesitated, looked back, wondering whether to go back or to go somewhere else, then he saw me again and smiled half-heartedly.

“Do you know how hard it‘s for me to date someone else?”

“I know, I also came with someone” I looked away “With whom perhaps I should apologize for having planted it right here” We both laughed and looked at each other until the laughter died “I don’t think I could be with someone else again” I bit my lip, maybe saying what was in my head would hurt me more, wasn’t it enough punishment? “Because you’re unique, Jeff Atkins, and I love you more and more”

He nodded. I understood in his gaze that he was debating what to say or do. In what was wrong or good. Forgive me? Was he considering it? In what category did he put it? Nerves were eating me, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye forever.

“To hell with the past, Y/N. I love you, and maybe I’m making a mistake but I’ll find out in time”

“I’m never going to hurt you again, Jeff. Never again”

His hands settled on my cheeks. I let the tears emerge from my eyes as he bent to join his lips with mine. This promise was never going to break, and if it were, I would even take care of ceasing to exist in this world.

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