my purse!

Today a guy tried to pick me up in the Riverwalk mall with the line “I think you’re adorable” and just…adorable?  Really?  ADORABLE?

(Also, “are you a Star Wars geek?” because of my purse, and then he asked if I was in New Orleans for a bachelorette party.  Because that’s clearly the only reason women visit New Orleans.  Also, I’m actually wearing a Tulane shirt today, so, uh.)

(Admittedly I did see at least six bachelorette groups in the French Quarter, but HONESTLY.)

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Imma call this the “Y'all best not sleep on this haul” haul
Was able to finesse thanks to my mom’s purse which is actually perfect for lifting✨✨✨

U/ta
Fr33man peel off mask - $7.99
P@cif!ca rice br!ght exfoliant paste - $14.00
Nÿx @ngel v3il primer - $15.99
T00 Fâc3d candlel!ght gl0w highlighter - $30.00
M@ybell!n3 c0l0r tattoo eyeshadow - $6.99
T00 F@c3d p3ach gl0w highlight palette - $42.00
M@ybell!e błu$hed nud3s palette - $9.99

TOTAL $126.96

anonymous asked:

it’s funny—online quizzes are entertaining, and nothing to ever go by, but every quiz i’ve taken relevant to the subject says in a past life I was burned at the stake for being a witch. What do you think about that? I offer four and a half straw wrappers in the bottom of my purse, years of journals full of stories that aren’t quite good enough to be shared, and all the hours i’ve saved up over the past weeks during which i should’ve been sleeping.

YOU WERE NEVER BURNED AT THE STAKE DEAR READER

YOU WERE GRILLED

YOU WERE FUCKIN ST LAWRENCE

My 6'5", bearded, outdoorsy, rough and tough, boyfriend steals my rose slave lip balm from my purse every chance he gets because “it makes his lips feel good.” And I just can’t help but laugh every time 😂😂

The White Dress.

This story is about my friends MIL, and her wedding. Strap in guys, this is a wild ride in which I did THE THING that got me banned from any of her family functions. (Plus a few threats of dismemberment and bodily harm)

A good friend of mine from university was getting married! They had been a couple since Junior year of college, through her 2 years in the peace corps and currently her return to this continent. 6 years in total. She had been to all manner of family functions and always came back with a strange story about how she thinks her MIL secretly hates her. But she being a very quiet and sweet person pushed those thoughts aside.

Point 1: She is vegetarian and jewish, husband is not. She was invited and went to Christmas dinner and figured she would just eat sides, as well she brought a vegetarian casserole. MIL, after knowing her for THREE years, and being told by husband a few weeks before about not to forget friend doesn’t eat meat…proceeded to put meat in every dish. Friend drank water and ate her casserole the whole night while MIL cried to everyone that friend was so rude for not eating her cooking.

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Magic Shenanigins

Context: We were playing a session of 5e, the group consisted of a CN Female Aventi Bard (Aventis being an aquatic variant of Humans from 3.5, played by me), a CN Male Half Dragon Turtle/ Half elf ranger, a NG Male Wood Elf Monk, and a LE Female Human Cleric of some homebrewed deity. None of us liked the Electrum currency, but I hated it with a passion. We were in port after having fled from a kraken we had luckily spotted before it was able to attack us due to my trident of warning. While everyone was resting back on the ship, they decided to send me off to find some waterbreathing potions because we were going to look for a shipwreck later.

DM: You see a small, unassuming building with a small sign hanging from it that says “Discount Magic Shop”

Me: I’ll go inside I suppose.

DM: Okay. As you walk inside, you see a cluttered mess of items and shelves. While you take in the mess before you, a small elderly gnome appears behind the counter.

Gnome (DM): “Can I help you Missy?”

Me: “Yeah, do you have any potions of waterbreathing? I recently learned that my friends cant breathe underwater.”

Gnome: “Yes, I do. That’ll be 75 gold per bottle.”

I had forgotten my money pouch back on the ship and only had a single Electrum piece with me. The Gnome and I struck up a conversation about Electrum and soon discovered our mutual disdain for the useless piece of coin. One thing lead to another and I ended up convincing him to awaken the electrum piece.

My DM decided that the electrum piece would be shocked at its sudden sentience and would do nothing but scream when taken out of my money pouch. So, I returned to the ship empty handed and was immediately given the third degree about my lack of waterbreathing potions. I told the group that I had forgotten my money but I had convinced the shopkeep to awaken my electrum piece. Suffice to say, my group was disappointed. Later on, we were getting ready to leave and they had sent me to pay the dock master (they made sure I had my coin purse). On the way their, I was pickpocketed without my knowing and didn’t realize until I had arrived at the dock masters office because I heard a distinctly familiar screaming sound and, a few moments later, a young man came into view and threw my coin purse at me.

Young Man: “Make it stop! I cant take the screaming anymore!”

Me: “Shh, shh. I cant make it stop, only you can do that. You see, you have angered my Goddess and she is a petty, vindictive Goddess and will only lift the curse if you make the proper offering.”

DM: Make a deception check.

Me: *rolls* 27

DM: He nods his head rapidly and asks what the proper offering is.

Me: “In your case, she demands a full return of what was stolen as well as an offering of equal value to her. That would be around 5000 gold.”

DM: “I don’t have that kind of money. I could barely do half that!”

Me: “Tell you what, give me my stuff back and 2500 and I’ll see what I can do.”

DM: He hands you your money back and takes you to the end of the docks where he pulls up a rope with a large sack tied to the end. He hands you the sack and asks you what happens now.

Me: “Now, we wait. If she accepts the offering the screaming will stop. If not…” I would like to close my money pouch to stop the screaming without him knowing.

DM" Make a sleight of hand check.

Me: *rolls* Nat 20!

DM: Yeah, you kinda just shake your waist a little and the screaming stops as the electrum piece is covered by the rest of your money.

Me: “She has accepted your offering. I will have to take this to her church so the proper rites can be recited and then given to her.”

I successfully conned a man out of 2500 gold because of that electrum piece. I later went on active cons with that piece of electrum until my DM finally got tired of me and had my Goddess punish me for using her name as part of cheap ploys to obtain money. I offered her half of the accumulated wealth and the Electrum piece as my way of begging for my life. That electrum piece has shown up in many of our games after that.

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Timeless + Onion Headlines (Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5)