my problems are insignificant

you blow me away / i’m made of dandelion seeds / you’re a breath of fresh air / my legs are collecting blue and black / but i can’t recall anything to do with it / what’s it like not to feel you are an imposter? / am i faking mental illness? / am i faking attraction to girls? / am i faking attraction to boys? / am i faking it? / am i fooling myself? / i’m a victim of identity theft / who am i? / i wish i was a doll / i don’t think i should have any control over my actions anymore / i feel better when i go on walks / but last month i was too afraid to leave the house / i’m searching for needle answers in my haystack brain / i’m scared when i move out it’ll take me weeks to go buy milk / i’m becoming less functional / a machine left to rust / isn’t eyeshadow supposed to go above your eyes? / all i have are shadows underneath them / dark enough to get lost in / my friend is getting another abortion / her boyfriend’s dad punched him in front of her the other day / burst his lip right open / but i’m still crying over my own insignificant problems / i feel like everything’s about to explode / i bought a blue prom dress because my friends told me to / i wanted to wear red / i’m hunched over on the gravelly beach of my mind / i need to go inland / but i keep returning to throw myself into the icy waters
—  i wish my thoughts sounded more like music and less like a blender // L.H

depression + the art to stopping my downward spiral.

“the type of depression that affected me completely conflicted with the type of depression tv conditioned me to believe. depression didn’t involve me sleeping all day, unwashed in soiled pajamas. i wasn’t unproductive or in a perpetual emotional trance of sadness. most times, i wasn’t even suicidal. but, it was the programmed societal view of what depression looked like that left me overlooked and my emotional distress nullified for years. i was invalidated because the signs that fit the societal norm did not fit my personal norm. when i dealt with depression i was a fully-functional woman who was fully capable of having long spans of happiness. i got up every morning to go to work, i hung out with close friends, and still managed to enjoy the pleasurable moments in life occasionally. i just also experienced more-than-frequent emotions of sadness, restlessness, hopelessness, emptiness, lifelessness, and anger. it wasn’t until my counselor confirmed what i was feeling that gave me hope. for the first time it was real to someone other than me.

with my (renounced) depression came lack of self-compassion, self-understanding, and self-appreciation. i didn’t thank myself as much as i blamed myself. i found a system to change that. the place where i could be no more at peace emotionally and mentally, i considered my one hundred percent. whenever i was caught in a downward emotional spiral, i acknowledged it, stopped everything and gave myself a moment to assess myself on a scale of zero to one hundred. no matter where i placed, i thanked myself for being there— whether it was a twenty-two, eight, or negative six because it could’ve been less. it can always be less. i knew i was doing the best i could and that was commendable. everyone desires to be acknowledged for their efforts, even me.

most days no one, or nothing, was around to lift my spirits. i had to learn how to perform acts of self-love and speak life into myself on my own. i familiarized myself with becoming my own hero. it took years of practice, but learning to encourage and love myself was worth it. for one, because i deserved it. that was the only reason i needed. i made up in my mind to discontinue any reliance on outside factors to find peace. as long as my circumstances determined my mood, my circumstances controlled me. i began to watch my transformation. i could cease my obsessive-compulsive thoughts and pull myself out the spiral without too much thought being invested. when anxiety triggered, i noticed how i would look around the room and find five things to describe in complete detail to bring me back into this moment: the quantity & sizes of bumps in the leather of the arm chair, the air i breathed and if i felt it most in my nose or my chest, the fleece blanket that brushed against my fingertips. i used my carnal senses to bring me out of mind and into the present, even if temporarily. i practiced how long i could stay like that— present. it didn’t last long at first; it took a lifetime to come to, and lasted about five minutes. but today, it took me five minutes to bring myself out of my own decline. the best part is now i can stay out. there was a shift i couldn’t identify at the time— stillness was becoming my default. i also noticed i changed how i viewed depression. i stopped claiming depression as “my depression” in conversations. it was now just something i was learning to cope with when i felt it. for the first time, it didn’t belong to me anymore.

i kept a pocket gratitude journal with me that i wrote in throughout the day. i would start off writing ten things i was grateful for, and jotted down moments during the day that made me happy. i used it as a reminder of the good in my life when i felt there wasn’t any. i also kept a negative thought journal. i would take notes on the situation, the emotions i experienced, and the triggers (or moments) that led to my slump. this allowed me to see my own provocations in writing, and create a program on how to avoid or counteract it. i enforced a lifestyle of taking things a day at a time. i only bothered with the stress of today. every day will have its problems which meant i did not have room to use today’s bandwidth on what already happened, and what might happen. i focused my creative energy that i wasted imagining every possible tumultuous scenario into finding solutions. if i could fix it, there was no need to stress. if i couldn’t fix it, i let it go. from now on, i only focused on things could control. i kept a worry window in my daily schedule which was about thirty minutes that i gave to myself to sit down and worry about the problems i wrote down that day, and that day only. instead of resisting my thoughts, i allowed them. when i switched my worry window time from the beginning of the day to the end of the day, something magical happened. i rarely needed to use it anymore. nine times out of ten, whatever i was wrote down to worry about had taken care of itself by that evening.  i could no longer justify my happy ending, and i began embrace it.

just because others found my problems to be insignificant, did not mean they were insignificant to me. if i’m the only one dealing with it, then it didn’t matter how big or small they thought my storm was. me dealing with it was all the validation i needed. that was the last day anyone made me feel bad, broken, delusional, insane, or like damaged goods for seeking and investing in my healing.

i used every part of me to work on my behalf, even my anger. it was my anger is what kept me from complete and total hopelessness. i saw the little fight left in me. i saw that i was willing to fight for me. releasing anger was what lifted my vibration. i channeled my anger so that it made a beneficial difference. i had to determine if the goal of releasing my anger was to show that i was angry, or if the goal was to use it for motivation. anger was all i had to get through the day, so i used it. anger incited my change which proved it useful. i channeled it through my work, exercise, writing, painting, etc. anger is an e-motion, or energy in motion, and is meant to be used. anger is a transitive e-motion and it’s purpose is to be a vessel to transport one elsewhere, vibrationally. anger is not a resting place. i learned anger did not need to be manifested into aggressive to expel it.

through therapy, i began to realize i was always capable of coping. i had everything i needed to assist & expedite my healing. there were days when i didn’t believe in myself and there were days that i did, but i reminded myself who i was irregardless to how i felt about me. i needed to be consistent and dedicated to myself even when i was unwilling to cooperate on a deeper level. i gave my permission to be imperfect and began to feel comfortable in my own skin again…

there is this false narrative out there that enlightened, spiritual people just float over adversity and struggles effortlessly. it’s not true. everyone will have to “fight” to keep their equilibrium. just because it’s mine didn’t mean i wouldn’t ever have to fight for it. it’s a decision i make every morning . it was the moment when i had to reaffirm my priorities— peace over everything. peace is easy to attain, but difficult to maintain… at least at first. i gave myself room to fall into the spiral without judgment, and i was there to catch myself.”

once you find your peace of mind, problems won’t disappear; they will always be there. the difference is your tolerance and resistance— it strengthens. lastly, you are not alone. you are loved, and you are heard. this is your confirmation. it’s not just you, but the best version of you in the moment that we need. don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. i hope this helps. as always, i love you.

anonymous asked:

I'm so sorry if you've already talked about this! But I'm still not sure about the idea of "person first" language? Is that an idea created and perpetuated by allies and not by the autistic community itself? Is it simply a case by case basis? If so, what does one default to?

Yeah. It’s something they do to “see the person and not the disability” and most of us think “dude, if you have to remind yourself that I’m a person then my disability isn’t the problem here.”

It basically reduces autism to something as insignificant an accessory or something on the side that can be discarded or ignored.

Sexuality, race, gender and religion are seen as identities. I’m a white, asexual, Catholic, cisgender and autistic woman.

I don’t say I’m a person with whiteness. I don’t call myself a person with asexuality. I don’t say I have Catholicsm. I don’t say I have cisgenderness.

I AM are two powerful words. They’re the only two words God needs to describe Himself. When we do it, what comes after has personal power. It tells the world who we are. I AM autistic. See?

Not everyone views it that way, though. I’m just giving my viewpoint. It’s honestly a person by person thing. Most prefer “autistic person” while others prefer “person with autism” so it’s polite to ask their preference if you’re not sure. 

If you don’t know someone’s “neuro-status” when they try to correct you to use person first language, ask them if they’re autistic. If they say no, you can say “tough, because most autistic people prefer identity first and I respect that.” If they say “yes” then ask their preference. Defer to the autistic people.

That’s just how I see it, others might have a different answer, so don’t take my word as law. (Now excuse me while I step into this phone box [TARDIS] and arrest myself.) ;)

Why do I lie?
I have never felt emotions
powerful enough to write love poetry.
I’m still a child at heart, lacking depth
only catching glimpses of a glossy surface,
the tip of an iceberg,
unable to feel pain, only concerned
with my own insignificant problems.
Words gushing out of my open mouth,
flowing down my slim shoulders and hanging in the air,
falsities, exaggerations of true events,
written and spoken a certain way to satisfy
my raw craving for horrified reactions.
Have I been fooling myself without realizing?
Does anyone know that beyond a blank face
is a world of deception, a world of futile dreaming?
I am too concerned with other people
and what they’re doing, what they’re feeling
to truly understand and embrace my own emotions –
Carried by the pure strength of women who write,
I sometimes wonder how many other people
lie about their happiness.
—  depth // suzy

deathtonumber7  asked:

Guess my sign: I put on a strong face for the world and bottle up my problems because I think they're insignificant or a pasing faze. I tend not to have a filter with what I say and will almost always point out a liar when I see one. I don't give out my trust easily so I have a small number of close friends. I value my alone time but thats usually mistaken as my stress relief, really its just me working alone. I break things down so a lot of people assume I'm judging or making fun of them.

Definitely an Earth sign – Capricorn, Virgo or Taurus.

So many people going through depression describe the pain they’re inflicted with like the dark that is in the deepest part of the night, and the sunrise is the breakthrough of their pain. I on the other hand, felt the complete opposite. When I went through a time of depression, I made it a habit to go outside everyday at sunset to sit and watch the transition of the sky. Everyday there’s an artwork above us unique to the day before, each as breathtakingly beautiful as the next. So much beauty in so many different forms, all fixed within the sky that covers us all. The sunset gave me so much comfort in a time of so much suffering. After the business of the day - this was the soothing of the chaos. It’s the time of day when everything starts to settle down. I would look at it and think to myself, the One who can paint such beauty in the huge sky, has the Capability to paint beauty in my life again. It didn’t feel impossible anymore. The setting of the sun reminded me that every day eventually comes to an end, just like the problems we go through in life will too come to an end. & that gave me so much hope. The colours in the sky, the broad, wide sky.. I share this sky with the very same people who inflicted me with pain. & this made me realise the Greatness of Allah, and the insignificance of my problems when I compared it to Him. The One who Holds the sky in place, the One who places an artwork in it every day, the One who is Protecting me, reminding me and always by my side.. is also Watching over the ones who have hurt me. We are under His sky. It is not our world. And this humbled me. And unlike some, I found solace in the night.. because the day reminded me of the long, tiring process I endured. The day and night just became a reminder to me of the good and bad times we experience in life; it’s always alternating. But the transition of the day to night, and night to day has a special, very short moment of magic; the colours emerged into a sunset/sunrise. It reminded me of the moments in life we cherish and only get once. They don’t last long, but they are extraordinary. And that is this the essence of this dunya. It can be very beautiful, but it is nothing else but temporary. To get lost in the pain we feel is useless for our purpose, because the world keeps moving with or without your consent; but to feel the pain, and understand it is what makes us grow. It makes us open our eyes to the bigger picture; appreciating the most beautiful things Allah has given us everyday that we take for granted. They say sad people only see what’s gloomy. I say, sad people who are conscious of Allah have an eye more open to the beauty of His signs. They are witness to the most beautiful things in life the average content person takes for granted. The pain inflicted upon the one who is conscious of Allah is the one who will see the real side of beauty in this dunya, and this is why they draw closer to Allah sincerely in times of hardship. They start noticing and focusing on the “little” things, which in reality are the biggest signs for us. It’s moment in life like this that are very painful, but give us the opportunity to grow to amazing extents. Our focus shifts, and hope stays alive in our hearts when it seems impossible for so many others to comprehend how we stay patient and strong.
—  Allahaljalil.tumblr.com
You Are Not Alone (Luhan drabble)

Idol: Luhan

Type: Fluff

Word count: 686

A/N: Even though requests are closed, my friend who’s been feeling a little bit down latetly asked for a oneshot, and I just want her to feel better, so here it is. Im sorry if it’s not exactly what you wanted but I still hope you like it.

Originally posted by angel-in-slow-motion

It was just another “one of those days”… I went to school and did an stupid test I had no idea about. I didn’t know how did it go, and tbh, I didn’t even care that much considering how stressed school and life itself had had me lately.

Luhan, my boyfriend called me to see if I wanted to hang out for a while but I was not in the mood, I just wanted a little time for myself, so I could relax a bit.

I decided to go to the park of my neighborhood. It was a cold kind of rainy day so there were no children playing, the whole place was empty which was perfect for my main purpose of having some time alone. I sat down in one of the park benches with my gaze lost in the horizon.

After a while I felt something on my shoulder and then I realized it wasn’t something but someone poking me, it was a guy I knew well. I didn’t even need to look at him, his scent was enough for me to know it was him.

Keep reading

His Own Insignificance

Originally posted by boogiecore

His fingers hovered over the keypad beside your apartment door. Gray knew the code by heart ever since he and the rest of the AOMG crew had helped you move in a few months ago. Even with all of the stress and long days he’d put in at the studio lately, Gray hesitated dropping by unannounced like the rest of the guys did.

I hope she’s not asleep…

But his panic subsided even before he looked at his watch. 2am. He cracked a smile knowing you would be awake. You always stayed up too late.

It had only been a year since Jay first introduced you but Gray had memorized your habits by now. The way you did laundry whenever you were stressed or your love affair with coffee or how you genuinely enjoyed his terrible jokes though you would never admit it. Everything. There was something about you that always seemed to make sense to him. He could depend on you to be yourself and that was reassuring.

He let out a deep breath before punching in the code and slipping into your apartment. You were lounging on the couch in a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt; a diminishing bowl of popcorn nestled on your lap as you absently watched a drama on the television. Gray felt his chest tighten a bit. You looked so heartbreakingly beautiful to him that he didn’t want to disturb you.

“It’s just me,” he said quietly. Part of him hoped you wouldn’t notice so he could stare at you a moment longer but you always noticed Gray.

You looked up at him, your smile touching your eyes as you took in how sweet he looked when he was exhausted. You patted the space beside you on the couch. You didn’t have to ask him twice. You shifted a bit as he sunk into the cushion until there was a comfortable space between the two of you.

It had just occurred to Gray that he hadn’t thought of a reason to give you for his visit on the short walk from the studio. He wracked his brain trying to come up with a decent excuse. Silence settled between the two of you that was only broken by the sound of the drama’s end credits playing.

“You look stressed,” you said.

“A bit.”

“Work?”

He nodded. You knew he wanted to talk but getting anything out of Gray when he was upset took some prompting.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“There isn’t much to tell. Deadlines coming up, compositions that aren’t turning out, practicing my set for this tour, more deadlines. Oh, did I mention deadlines?” You both chuckled.

“You’re deflecting the real issue,” you said.

You put the now empty popcorn bowl on the coffee table and turned to face him completely. Your arms wrapped around your legs as you propped your chin up on your knees and gave Gray your undivided attention.

Gray sighed and rubbed his eyes; the extent of his exhaustion setting in. It hadn’t occurred to him that as he had been getting to know your habits, you had been observing his too.

“Aish! You know me too well,” he muttered. His posture slumped when you didn’t respond. Your silence was your coup de grâce; the final push he needed before his unfiltered thoughts began pouring out to you.

“You’re right. It’s not just work. It’s everything,” he started. “The day I met Jay was one of the best days of my life because I never thought I would work with someone so focused and inspiring about music outside of an occasional collaboration. He makes it look so effortless. All those hours in the studio and people still call him lazy because the pressure just melts off of him.”

He was aware that he was rambling. In truth, his frustrations had almost nothing to do with Jay but he couldn’t stop himself nor did it seem like you wanted him to. Your concentration was unwavering.

“Talking with Jay was like having clarity for the first time in years about what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be just ‘Gray the producer’ or 'Gray the songwriter.’ I wanted to be in the center of it all; on stage, my stage, with my fans cheering me on.

"I know it sounds selfish but for once I wanted to write music for myself instead of watching someone else perform it. I was given an opportunity to do that and it was everything that I expected thanks to the guys…,” Gray’s thoughts trailed off momentarily. He looked up at you with a half smile but he could feel the sadness in his eyes betraying him.

“But now whenever I go into the studio to work on new stuff it’s like nothing comes out right. I just sit at my keyboard and my mind goes blank because nothing I write is good enough. I just choke.” He fidgeted with his hands out of frustration. “I never choke.”

His words were getting strained as he struggled to keep himself composed. It wasn’t pride that kept him from crying in front of you but rather his need to keep you as happy as possible. You weren’t completely separate from his work but you were about as uninvolved as he could manage to keep you. Spending time with you was his escape from those deadlines that he often overworked himself for and there were days when the promise of seeing you was the only thing that kept him going.

You jumped up from the couch without a word and quickly shuffled down the hallway. You were back before Gray could follow you with an old blanket folded haphazardly underneath your arm.

“Come with me.”

A confused Gray tilted his head questioningly.

“Where exactly are we going at this hour?”

“First of all, Gray, we live in Seoul: the city that actually never sleeps. Don’t believe what they say about New York City.” Gray rolled his eyes at you.

“You act like I’ve never been there.”

You rolled your eyes back at him. Gray was so sweet and soft spoken when you first met him that when he finally felt comfortable enough to show his stubborn, witty side you nearly toppled over in surprise. Part of you was infuriated by it but only a small part…

“Just trust me, Gray, okay?”

He begrudgingly got off the sofa and followed you to the roof of your apartment building. The nights were still warm enough to survive without a jacket and Gray couldn’t help but smile as you both took a moment to breathe in the fresh air. You spread the blanket out in your favorite spot; a carefully chosen place hidden from the exit of the stairwell but far enough away from the hvac fans so that you could hear someone coming.

“Lay down,” you said casually but when you saw Gray’s flustered reaction you couldn’t stop your cheeks from tingeing red.

“I pinky promise that I will be a complete gentleman, Lee Sunghwa,” you recovered. Though he still had questions for you, he grinned hearing you say his name and did as he was told. You laid next to him.

“What are we doing up here?” he asked in mock agitation.

“Shh. You are done talking for now.”

“I can manage that.”

You gave him a playful slap on the arm for making a joke at his own expense.

“Alright, now all you have to do is look up.”

He followed your directions. Gray could make out only a few stars at first. He stared up at the sky, listening to the rhythm of your breathing, feeling your arm innocently brush against his as you tried to get comfortable. He wouldn’t stop until you told him to and as his eyes combed the night sky he began to distinguish more and more stars.

His imagination filled in the rest until suddenly he was not looking at just a handful but rather thousands of feint lights dappling the horizon. The sight made Gray strangely aware of just how small he must look laying on the rooftop.

“You see it?”

“It’s stunning,” he said. “How often do you come up here?”

“Whenever I’m feeling stressed and laundry isn’t enough,” you said, earning a chuckle from Gray. “I don’t know why but there is something about it that helps me put my problems into perspective. It’s  really freeing to realize your own insignificance. That in the grand scheme of things my problems are so trivial and that my aspirations and failures are temporary.”

“So what you’re saying is that I should keep trying because I’m insignificant?”

“I know you’re not that dense,” you groaned. “What I’m saying is that you should keep trying even if you fail because failure is not what you’re going to be remembered for. Besides, the guys won’t let you fail, I won’t let you fail, and most of all you won’t let yourself fail.”

Gray felt the blush on his cheeks deepen at your words as he broke away from your gaze.

What I wouldn’t give to see the world through her eyes, he thought as he helped you fold the blanket. Maybe one day I’ll tell her how much I love her but for now I just want to make her proud.

“Everything ok?” You asked over your shoulder when you noticed he was lagging behind.

“Everything is… good." 

He liked the way that sounded.

pro tip: once you master it, you can use the same sort of pretentious-sounding vague figurative language to discuss wine, other expensive food products, poetry, music you don’t really understand, literature, any and all visual art forms, and bizarre ‘conceptual’ modern theater; you’ll sound profound and well-educated without having to actually understand or in any way enjoy what you’re critiquing.

e.g. “I love the texture of this piece, it’s delicate yet compellingly multilayered” sounds much better than “hmm, interesting.” but can be applied to the same wide variety of things. It helps if you affect an arch and contemplative tone, and pronounce your judgement slowly but with assurance, as if you’re still mulling over the complexities of the thing you’re discussing, rather than choosing adjectives at random and adding a few adverbs to flavor your word smoothie with.

With practice, you can render all discussion about the arts functionally meaningless!

I am so sick of the trans community

People are mad about people having abortion rights signs at the women’s march, because things like “No uterus, no opinion” “alienate trans women and misgender trans people.” And “are inappropriate because abortion isn’t a women’s issue.” When my friend was like, “Well, almost all of the people who need abortions are women. It doesn’t mean there aren’t people who identify other ways. It’d be like getting upset over someone saying ‘Humans have 4 appendages.’ because a small amount have more or less.’ 

And do you know what this fucker said? “ i mean if you were saying “people have 4 appendages” i can really see amputees and others getting mad yeah”

Jesus christ, jesus. fucking. christ. Why? Why do people need so much damn attention and acknowledgement? Who does every fucking outlier need to have an asterisk and be included ALL the time?

I WISH my fucking problems were this god damn insignificant, but instead I have my medical condition that’s caused me fucking hell being made into some trendy quirky bullshit by attention seeking teens and young adults who can’t handle being normal and can’t tell the difference between a gender role and feeling distraught because you don’t feel like your body is even yours!

I’ve just had it. Trans activism is a joke, and there’s nothing I can do to distance myself from being associated with these selfish, arrogant children. 

anonymous asked:

why do u personally like jun? is he your fave/bias?

Yup, he’s my ult bias :’) It’ll take way too long of a post to list out all the reasons why I like him (and SVT), but to speak generically, I like his personality, I can relate quite well with him and his little background antics lol. And ever since I started liking him my temper’s improved quite a bit, thinking about how my problems seem too insignificant to get worked up over when idols like SVT meet difficult situations almost daily, but they can somehow get over them quickly or at least pretend nothing happened. I don’t know, getting into them just got me thinking about a lot of things.

It's My Turn to Take Care of You.

Everywhere Hide looked, someone else’s face was smudged or shadowed over. He couldn’t recognize anyone. But there was one figure he would never mistake; it was Kaneki. The raven haired boy’s back was to Hide. When Hide reached his friend and spun him around, Kaneki was crying with blood splattered all over him.

“Hide, help me…” Kaneki whimpered. There were tears running down his face.

With a yelp, Hide took a step back. The blond’s eyes drifted down to his hands. He, himself, was literally red handed.

“Hide…” Kaneki’s voice cracked.

Hide looked up at his friend, but his heart stopped. Before him was a blood drenched boy with white hair and unmistakable silver eyes. His face was void of all emotion.

“Kane-” Hide’s voice stopped working. “Ka-” Try, he might, but his body wasn’t responding to him.

“Why didn’t you help me, Hide? You promised me that you would always help me.” Kaneki’s wounds were beginning to heal. “Where were you, Hide? It hurt a lot. I’m broken because of you.”

Hide could only cry as he watched the already broken boy’s soul turn into dust. Kaneki’s pupils shrunk while a sinister smile spread across the ghoul’s face.

“Hey, Hide, I learned some new tricks during my time of torture.” The ghoul cracked his knuckle. “Do you know what it sounds like to have a centipede in your ear? Huh? Do you, Hide?”

Kaneki was swaying and stumbling around while chuckling to himself.

“Hey, Hide, what’s a thousand…” Kaneki was grunting in pain. “What’s a thousand…minus…..” Kaneki screams as a centipede looking kagune thrashed from Kaneki’s back. An ominous looking mask was shrouding the ghoul’s face. “What’s a thousand minus….seven?”

Hide still couldn’t talk. Couldn’t even move. He was frozen.

“WHY WOULD YOU LET ME BECOME LIKE THIS?!” Kaneki shrieks before shooting his kagune towards Hide. “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON YOU!”

Hide cries out and shrieks. Hide wakes up from the nightmare. His breath was ragged, and his whole body was drenched in cold sweat. His hair clung to his face and neck. It was the same dream that haunted him since the day Kaneki left. It wasn’t this bad before, but once Hide discovered everything that happened to Kaneki, he spends most nights avoiding sleep. Hide doesn’t want to dream about Kaneki’s suffering. Hide bit his lower lip until he tasted iron.

Hide just sits there sobbing silently with his face in his hands. A soft grumble makes Hide jump. The faint brushes of fingertips caressed Hide’s skin. The blond looked over and saw Kaneki fast asleep next to him. White hair covering Kaneki’s eyes.

‘I’m glad I didn’t wake him up this time.’ Hide thought to himself.

The blond runs his fingers through his hair before letting out a long sigh.

'I thought I could count on you.“ The words whispered in Hide’s head.

Tears pooled in Hide’s eyes and fell. The human let out painful and distressed whimpers. He didn’t know how to make the bad thoughts go away. Hide needed Kaneki. He needed him so bad!

The blond scooted close into Kaneki’s arms. The boy nuzzled Kaneki’s neck after giving Kaneki a light kiss. He filled his mind with Kaneki’s scent and radiating body heat. The blond could feel his hair being messed with by Kaneki’s breathing. Hide sighed in relief and satisfaction. He drapes his left arm over Kaneki’s side, and buries his face into Kaneki’s chest. Within a matter of minutes. Hide reluctantly fell back asleep.

~

Once Kaneki heard the evenly paced breaths from Hide, the half ghoul knew that Hide drifted back to sleep.

Kaneki carded his fingers through Hide’s blond locks while he placed light kisses against the side of Hide’s head. Every time Hide slept, this was to be expected. Each and every time Hide cried out Kaneki’s name desperately only broke more of The ghoul’s heart.

Hide would scream things like, "I’m sorry! Kaneki, I’m sorry!” and “I didn’t know! I didn’t know!” or “Don’t leave! I can still help! I’m sorry!”

Kaneki clung the blond to him securely so he could feel every twitch the human made. He hoped that whatever Hide dreamt, the boy would sense Kaneki right there with him. The fact that Hide believed that he needed to apologize to Kaneki was so mind boggling. As if he had anything to apologize for!

The half ghoul rubbed small circles into the blond’s back and murmured comforting words against Hide’s hair. Anytime Hide wanted to turn over, Kaneki kept him in place. If Hide woke up on terror again, the first thing he needs to see is Kaneki.

The thing that bugged Kaneki the most, was how Hide smiled and laughed it off when Kaneki tries to talk to Hide about it. Hide’s been holding this storm inside and it’s really taking a toll on the blond.

In the middle of Kaneki running his fingers back up to the top of Hide’s head, the blond stirred.

“Kaneki…?” Hide asked with a broken voice.

Kaneki didn’t respond. The half-ghoul just smiled gently. Hide rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Even in the dark, Kaneki could make out dark circles under the human’s eyes. Hide was still suffering from the previous night terror. Hide’s trembling body was a dead give away to that fact.

“What are you doing up?” Hide asked the half-ghoul. He didn’t process the situation entirely. Hide didn’t realize that Kaneki was awake throughout the whole episode Hide had. But it was connecting little by little. When it finally all came together, Hide looked up at Kaneki with wide eyes. “K-Kaneki? I…”

“I love you.” Kaneki says not breaking eyes once.

“Kanek-” Hide was blushing lightly at Kaneki’s abrupt confession. This wasn’t a new thing between them, but Kaneki isn’t usually this direct. This wasn’t just a confession though. Kaneki wanted Hide to understand that Kaneki never blamed Hide once. That he still loves Hide.

“I love you.” Kaneki held Hide closer. The half-ghoul rubbed his thumb soothingly against the back of Hide’s head. “So much. I love you so much.”

Hide’s steal wall of angsty emotions was beginning to crack. Kaneki could see it. He could see Hide’s eyes beginning to glisten. Kaneki nuzzles his face in Hide’s hair. The hand in Hide’s hair slid down the the back of the blond’s neck. The other arm was holding Hide securely to him by the human’s waist.

“Kaneki…wait…what are you talk-” Hidems voice was wavering. The tremble in Hide’s lower lip was evident.

“Hide, I love you. You saved me. You saved me. Thank you. Thank you, Hide. Thank you.” Kaneki knew Hide was about to crumble. The ghoul tucked Hide’s head under his chin. He wanted to spare the human’s pride when he cried.

“Kaneki…I’m so…..” Kaneki could feel water rolling down his neck. “I’m so sorry!”

“Shhh, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. You saved me, Hide. You saved me. You did. You did.” Kaneki kept chanting.

This went on for a while. Hide sobbed into Kaneki’s chest while Kaneki whispered praise and love into Hide’s skin. When Hide’s body was beginning to calm down from the spine breaking shudders, Kaneki pulled his face away to look at his beloved friend.

There were fingers attached to Kaneki’s shirt in a death grip. Hide was so terrified of Kaneki disappearing again. When Kaneki moved his face back, Hide whimpered painfully.

“Hide.” Kaneki whispered softly.

Hide looked up at the ghoul. His eyes were red and swollen. The blond’s hair was sticking up in every which direction.

“Kaneki, I’m sorry I let you down. You went through so much. I-” Kaneki cut Hide off by rubbing his thumb against Hide’s lower lip.

“You never let me down. Not once. Even when I wasn’t aware of it, you still had my back.” Kaneki’s thumb slid down Hide’s neck and pulled back the blond’s shirt collar a bit. A faint, healing scar was visible on Hide’s shoulder. “And don’t sell yourself short, Hide. It seems you went through a lot as well.” Kaneki leaned down to kiss the scar.

Hide only held Kaneki closer to him. He needed the reassurance desperately. Wanted to know that everything was okay. But Hide felt selfish for wanting this of Kaneki. Especially when Kaneki needs the comforting more than Hide does.

“I’m sorry.” Hide apologized again. “For making you do this. My problems are small and insignificant compared to yours. I should be comforting you instead…”

“Don’t ever think that, Hide. I’m happy when you let me help you. I don’t like seeing you suffer, especially if it’s so I won’t feel burdened. You always, always, take on my problems. You comfort me when I’m at my worst. You bring me back every time. Now, it’s my turn to make you feel better.” Kaneki never looked away from Hide’s gaze. A few stray tears left the blond’s eyes.

“K-Kaneki…” Hide crumbled in Kaneki’s embrace. “Kaneki. Kaneki. Kaneki. It hurts. Kaneki, it hurts so much.”

“I know, Hide. I know. I’m here, though. I’m here now, so you’re not alone anymore. Hide, I’m right here.” As if to make the words more powerful in their meaning, Kaneki nuzzles Hide’s hair again then rests his forehead against the blond’s. Their eyes are still locked on each other’s. Kaneki whispers his lover’s name. “Hide. Hide. Hide.”

Hide brushes his fingertips below Kaneki’s left eye. Kaneki smiles and cups the side of Hide’s face.

“I love you.” Kaneki says and brings their lips together.

'It’s my turn to take care of you, Hide.’

anonymous asked:

captain america

❝ i can respect the man. but just because a man shows respect to another man, doesn’t mean he likes him. i am sure mr.rogers would agree. captain america. i believe he would find my problems with him trivial now, in this place. insignificant. but i must certainly disagree. as a charmed hero, placed upon a pedestal by everyone with eyes to see and mouths to speak, outside of wakanda, you would think captain america has coined the phrase: actions speak louder than words. he’d forgotten that in lagos. he’d forgotten that with my father and the sokovia accords. or maybe he chose to ignore it. go against it. maybe because they were not one of his own. maybe because eleven of them were wakandans, so none of their lives mattered. whatever his insolent excuse, no amount of words could bring those twenty-six people back because of his team’s destruction. and it isn’t the first time the avengers have caused such mass destruction in their wake. they can be compared to GODS, believing themselves to be invincible because they are the avengers. untouchable because they ‘ save the day ’. but have they ever been held accountable for what they’ve done? the lives they’ve lost? the destruction they cause? my father was onto something with the accords. ms.romanoff showed up to represent the avengers who thought enough was enough. but our wakandan lives were not enough for the captain to surrender that shield. his arrogance. surrender freely wielding that thing like a petulant child. 

and he decided to start a war because he did not want to be held accountable. become a fugitive because he thought the avengers HIGHER than this. how much higher did he think he could go? before he would realize: the only way to go is down. how far did he think he and his friends could run from me? forgive but don’t forget? i don’t believe i have forgiven him or forgotten what he’s done. who he thinks he is. i will remember, because it may show up again. which is why i cannot fully trust him. and what of bucky? he was a victim to all of this, but what will he do if the winter soldier kills the wrong people? will he still protect him, and sacrifice targets on his own teams back? on our own backs? he holds a certain fondness for the man, i can see it. but if he can easily turn his back on his teammates for him, can he really be trusted as a leader?

@cptainrogrs

Dear Charlie,

I don’t even know how to start this. I hope you’re doing well. Honestly my mental health just seems to be getting worse and worse and I’ve become reliant on alcohol and cigarettes to keep it at bay. I haven’t been sleeping lately I guess there’s just a lot of shit on my mind. I feel so lonely all the time. No one ever really wants to talk to me anymore and even when they do its just kinda to dump their problems and leave or to make small talk then leave. They don’t really seem to have any interest in anything I have to say especially things that excite me like books etc. They tend to make my problems seem insignificant so I just don’t talk about them anymore. I’m glad I have you to vent to and not judge me or belittle my problems.

My ex recently re entered my life and that was a bit of a shock to the system considering after he destroyed me and left me alone to rot I was sure he was never coming back. I’m not sure if I can trust him yet and I’m always trying to keep my guard up around him but he was always so good at sashaying past all my defences. He wants me to meet his new girlfriend who he started dating almost straight after he broke up with me and honestly I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m still getting used to having him back around and having to suppress my emotions and other things whenever he’s with me. I don’t have a problem with the new girl in the conventional sense I think she’s genuinely good for him and gives him strength to pursue his passions but I just don’t think we’d get along. She seems so good and kind, she doesn’t smoke or have a drinking problem, she’s really pretty, she takes care of him and he genuinely seems to really love her. I’m pretty much to polar opposite to her so even if we weren’t meeting in the current predicament I still don’t think we’d like each other all that much. Despite everything that happened between us I think I’m still in love with him and all I want is for him to be happy so if she’s what makes him happy I’ll do anything to keep her around including playing nice, (and possibly suffering in the process) but no one really wants to meet their replacement who’s better than them in every way.

I’m starting to question if I’ve made the right choice in choosing to give him a second chance at being in my life. His female friends are getting mad at him for standing up for me and for trying to pursue a friendship with me. I’ve also been having nightmares about him. The other night I dreamt he tied me to a chair and poured hydrofluoric acid down my throat. I woke screaming and crying absolutely terrified out of my mind. I’m already broken and now I’m essentially putting myself in a vulnerable position to potentially get hurt by him again but it feels so good to have him back in my life, no one else has ever really been able to get me like he does. I don’t know I guess we’ll see how it all pans out. Sorry for rambling.

Thanks for listening
Love always
- Blue