I grew up hiding. 
When I gained 80 pounds from medication as a 12 year old,
I knew I hadn’t done anything,
but  somehow I enjoyed it.
It meant nobody would want me 
and I liked that.
I hid behind curse words and toughness,
I didn’t know to be strong without them.
I didn’t have friends for 7 years,
so I learned to be alone, 
even though I felt like I was suffocating
I felt like I created a closet I couldn’t get out of.
Im scared of being in the open.
Im terrified of letting people see me for who I am.
It scares me.
I feel like theres a cage around my heart I can’t get rid of.
Theres hope,
I know that.
Sometimes I just feel myself stuck on the ground,
looking at the sky,
where everyone is flying and soaring,
and I’m stuck.
—   Hiding and being stuck are my life story, it doesn’t end there, I just don’t know where to go. by jesusiswhatthisworldneeds

small,
she said
take me
and
make me
feel small

the way
midnight
likes to
dry out
roads and
shrink cars

never the
irrelevant bead
of liquid that
escapes a glass
and has no
destination 

“small”
he considered
for her 
I will become 
tremendously 
colossal

how elephants
from her 
childhood
took up more
room than she
ever could

and the country 
she always
pictured herself
living in but was
too discouraged
to occupy

small,
what a
gentle giant
never could be
but just
might feel

Tu

Tenho tido
Pequenas premonições
De ti no afundar
Do rio a desaguar
Num mar de segredos
E ambições.
Um mar de martírio
E confusão
Como a tua alma
Sem vão.
Promete-me
Que não te afundas,
Que nadarás contra a maré.
Oceano de aflições,
De estrelas cadentes
E desejos
De pequenos desleixos
Que fazem de ti ser…
(Quem és)(?)


jf26/04/2015

It is so sad that your eyes makes me
the happiest person
yet I can’t stop crying
whenever I see you

It is so sad that you belong
to another
yet I can’t stop loving you
or stop staring at you

It is so sad that you only think
this is a stupid crush
yet you mean the world to me
and I can’t give up

It is so sad that you are the
definition of perfection
yet I am like a worthless painting
and you won’t even look at me

It is so sad that people only see
beauty and looks and no soul
yet your soul haunts me inside
and your body is fire

It is so sad that I am dying slowly
and so painfully
yet no one understands me and
I want you to know it only

It is so sad that you are the only one
I would want to be there for me
yet you prefer to be there for her
and I am here all alone
and waiting

- Hedonist Poet

I need to forget about you because you are killing me
Not forget in a “he doesn’t love me I’ll go out and find someone new” way
More like “I wish I could bleach my brain to forget about every single fucking word you said to me because the thought of your voice is more poison than any cleaning product could ever be”
More like “I’ll go to a club and kiss anyone who’ll buy me more vodka because fuck, alcohol poisoning would feel better than your touch”
More like “have you ever climbed an electric fence and felt the shocks race through your veins because I have and it felt like fucking hell and I loved it”
More like “Sleep is great but I still see you in my nightmares so it’s losing its appeal”
More like “sleep is great but I bet deaths better.
—  More like leave me alone but also don’t let go– Lily Rain
Ser

Loucuras e segredos
É como é feita a vida.
Aprender é crescer,
É escalar os penedos
A que chamamos
Viver.

Ver o sol a nascer
E preencher da alma o vazio
Do que é ser.
Estar a sobreviver
À imensa loucura
De viver.

Ter sensações
E faltar as palavras.
Ter uma mixórdia de sentimentos
E emoções.

Ter o cérebro a explodir
Com tanta coisa a acontecer.
Ser humano é assim.
É ter fogo de viver.


jf, 06/04/15

I’m an introvert with big and colorful dreams
Lonely and simple deeds

I wanted to fill my life with joy
But all I ended up with was chains and roles

I couldn’t find my true self
I didn’t know who I was

I wish I knew you before my world collepsed
So we wouldn’t be so possessed

Now we are at the finish line
And I survived, I’m just fine

- Hedonist Poet

I think I have always been a fan of self destructive behavior
There comes a time when you are not afraid of anything anymore
And there’s only this rush of exhilaration at any chance of pain
For instance I’m slowly pushing away all the friends I have and it’s killing me but somewhere deep down I know I deserve it
For instance today I was crossing the road and this car was racing at me and I thought “for fucks sake mate just hit me”
But they slowed down and avoided me like I was a train wreck and they were mercy
I’ve been staying up till midnight and getting up at four in the morning
Living off of coffee and bad dreams that happen when I’m awake
My hands shake so much I can’t seem to write correctly anymore but that doesn’t matter because I haven’t been studying for tests anyway
I am painting my skin with red lines that look like accidents
I am leaving my hand on the burner for just a bit too long
I am walking in dark alleys at night when the moon is hidden behind clouds
I am doing all of these things
Hoping that one of them will kill me
Hoping that someone will stop me.
—  I am self destructing and no one is watching– Lily Rain

To keep him safe, he
rushes down back alleys with the swing of a fist,
punches ‘til his knuckles smear blood on their cheeks,
hovers like a guardian angel on the edge of his shadow.
(He gets beaten down and stands back up anyway.)

To keep him safe, he
spends coins he doesn’t have on a new coat,
curls tight around his body like a second blanket,
prays fervent and silent ‘til the sun greets the morning.
(He coughs life out of his lungs anyway.)

To keep him safe, he
takes him dancing with pretty dames,
joins a war he never quite wanted to fight,
lies strapped on a table with death in his eyes.
(He ends up on the front lines anyway.)

To keep him safe, she
sits by him in a crumbled bar,
kisses him on a cliffside hangar,
talks of dancing on a Saturday night.
(He plummets into the cold anyway.)

To keep him safe,
he loved him with a sniper’s scope and a thousand-foot fall,
she loved him with red lipstick and a radio-crackled fantasy,
they loved him with laughter and tears and hopes and fears and dreams.
(He wakes up alone anyway.)

—  He is a burning star, and there is no keeping a supernova safe (j.p.)

I try so hard to make meaningful relationships

Only to be used and abused by those whom I’ve trusted

They call themselves friends and put on false faces

But call me names and make me feel worthless

I try so hard to be kind nice and caring

Going so far as to forgive those who’ve done me wrong

Old friends grow further apart from me daily

Slipping through my fingers

Closeness only now described as acquaintance

Alone again, my efforts wasted

Don’t fall in love with a boy like him
He will drag pretty words across your lips and force them down your throat like glass
And when they cut you and blood trickles down your mouth
He will say it was your fault
He will let you bleed

Don’t fall in love with a boy like him
He will whisper you sweet nothings at 1 in the morning
And the next day his words will be hollow and empty
Leaving you wondering why you ever thought they were full of love to begin with

Don’t fall in love with a boy like him
He will convince you he needs you but at the same time have half a dozen other girls hanging off his fingertips
He is the puppeteer and we are the dolls
Dress up
Look pretty
Say you want to die
He won’t care

Don’t fall in love with a boy like him
He will leave you after a week and you will feel so lost and lonely and empty you’ll find yourself texting him even though he’s long gone
He will make you believe something’s there when really he feels nothing
He will tell you he’s sorry but he will do it again
He will play you like a guitar and blame you for the broken strings

Do not fall in love with a boy like him
He will tell you he loves you
And he will leave you
And you will thank him for his time.

—  I went back and took his name out of this poem because looking at it makes me sick– Lily Rain

His blood is no less red
for the blue of his eyes
or the gold of his hair
or the white of his skin.


His story is no less tragic
for the brightness of his smile
or the steadiness of his voice
or the strength of his body.

—  Do not forget: he hurts. He weeps. He bleeds. (j.p.)

You’re probably awake right now and you’re probably talking to her and you’re probably not thinking of me and you’re probably trying to get under her skin and

im mostly trying not to think of you im mostly trying not to let this get to me im mostly losing my mind
and
i haven’t felt happy in weeks and
i haven’t seen you in weeks but the problem is you didn’t make me happy you were just like a drug that numbed the pain

and the most ironic thing is
you were the one hurting me.

—  it’s like you were the would be murderer and you were the one to save me– Lily Rain