my phone case is the shit

fake dating! zimbits

It was only by a stroke of luck that Jack happened to look at his phone just as he exits the lecture hall. The group chat was blowing up – the group chat was always blowing up these days – but the lack of all-caps or exclamation marks caught his attention right away.

Eric Bittle: Guys, I wouldn’t ask this of y’all if I really didn’t need this, but I have to ask a HUGE favor of one of you.

Shitty Knight: brah are you dying

Justin Oluransi: You can have my kidney, Bits.

Adam Birkholtz: u aren’t gonna save that for me just in CASE, JUSTIN?

Larissa Duan: shit, bitty, r u ok

Eric Bittle: Um, yeah, mostly, I just…..need someone to pretend to be my boyfriend.

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I was right in that comment I made

My policeman cousin did so enjoy finding out that there is an entire tag on tumblr with traceable IP adresses dedicated to idiots bragging about what they stole and where they stole it from.

You see the thing with cops is when you steal necessities like food and water (even feminine hygiene products when they are truly needed) they tend to let you off with a warning and even find ways to try and help your situation.

If you are just some brat who steals tons of makeup, clothes, luxery items, etc they have no sympathy. Usually they when they receive calls about stolen inventory they even check social media to see if someone is dumb enough to post it and see if the items match up. Now that he and several co-workers know about it, they will be delighted to have this entire section of tumblr to match items up with, in our city at least.

Remember kids, there is no such thing as a victimless crime.

Have fun shoplifters.

UPDATE: 4 arrests made. All of them teenage girls who were NOT stealing needed or reasonable items, but teenage girls who WERE stealing: High-end clothing, expensive makeup, phone cases, designer shoes, and lingerie. Now for all of you shoplifters in the comments who are sitting there screaming how terrible I am, like you’re not the ones who steal and lie to get what you want, do these sound like necessities to you? Cause they don’t to me. “I steal them to sell them so I can pay for…” Doesn’t make it any better. In fact it makes the charges you face when you get caught worse. Seriously it’s as easy as not stealing shit when you walk in a store.

And then Pidge gets ratted out to Space Dad™ and she gets her electronics taken away. She has to get Hunk to retrieve her laptop and phone and to guard her in case another paladin walks by because he’s a Good Friend™. Meanwhile, Keith doesn’t trust her with anything anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For my non-Spanish-speaking followers, “quiero tu ano en frente de mí” really means “I want your asshole in front of me” and Pidge is a little shit

[Commission info] [Art usage/repost rules]

meeting daisy ridley

i barely ever write posts but i believe this is worthy of one

last thurdsay, 2nd november, i was fortunate enough to meet the absolute love of my life miss daisy ridley at the world premiere of murder on the orient express

now this was the biggest premiere ive ever been to and i had to get on a coach from catdiff to london on the tuesday night and arrived on the early hours of wednesday morning and i was K N A C K E R E D and cold and hungry but i was like nah this is hopefully gonna pay off, baring in mind that the last i heard was that daisy was still in montreal filming chaos walking so this whole thing was a massive gamble and i was going down on my own

anyway, premiere day arrives and i am sO nervous, i couldn’t eat or drink, i was shaking from the moment i woke up and i was literally just on edge the whooooole morning

fast forward to being behind the barriers waiting for the premiere to begin, an important looking woman on the red carpet turned to another important looking woman and told her to add daisy’s name to all of the lists because she was now 100% coming and i was there like shitshitshitshitshit this could finally happen

anyways the cast all start to arrive then suddenly lorraine kelly is like WELCOME DAISY RIDLEY TO THE CARPET and i lost my SHIT i was like jesus she’s here and so am i???

she eventually makes her way up the carpet and goes on the stage so im like RIGHT HERE’S MY CHANCE and i hold my sign up that reads “I’VE BEEN HERE FOR 40 HOURS TO MEET DAISY RIDLEY” and like 10 seconds later i see her look over and mouth the words then look shocked and points and waves and im like bloody hell i am GONE and then the interview begins and lorraine mentions that someone’s been there for 40 hours and daisy said that she’s not worth it ???!??!? like bby g i would have been there even longer if i needed to

anyway that wraps up and daisy walks off the stage and im like shit where’s she gone and tHEN SHE IS THERE SHE IS LIKE 10 FT AWAY FROM ME AND IM LIKE FUCK and someone moves the rope to let her over and she points at me and comes straight over and gives me the biggest and best hug ive ever had and says “nobody should have to wait 40 hours to meet anyone” and i LOSE it i am SOBBING and then she told me to not cry like girl ive cried over you 10x more than ive ever cried over anyone and she thanked me for waiting and i was like omg ive written you a letter but…shit ive lost it one sec and she was like don’t worry and whilst im looking for it she shouts “THIS GIRL HAS BEEN HERE FOR 40 HOURS, THIS IS THE GIRL OF THE NIGHT” and im trying to find my letter still and also literally DYING because she just called me the girl of the night and finally i find the fucker and i hand it to her and then we take a selfie which i fucking LOVE and then im like fuck can you sign my phone case? which says ‘okay but daisy ridley though’ and she laughs and asks for my name ?????? i was like hold me so i tell her it’s abbie and she asks if it’s with a double b and obvs i say yes like im not gonna say no obvs and she writes my name and then puts thank you and signs it along with two kisses and im like almost on the floor and then she signs a picture that i had of her as mary debenham and i think that was it like something else could have happened but that’s literally when i just WENT AND I HAD TO LEAN OVER THE BARRIER AND JUST CRY

she was so damn lovely, i felt so damn appreciated by her like that i genuinely meant something and i have not stopped smiling since, i have not felt this happy in such a long time and it all couldn’t have gone any better for me, i’m so glad that this is the woman im in love with, i wouldn’t change anything

moral of the story is that daisy ridley is the best

Take my mail? I'll help the state take your kid.

This is what I thought to be somewhat pro revenge but correct me if I’m wrong. Also this is long so tl;dr is at the bottom.

It all started about 4 months ago while I was living in a shitty duplex, in the shitty part of the city where I used to live. I had been living in this duplex for about a year and a half and even though it wasn’t in a good part of the city, no one really bothered us and our neighbors were pretty normal so I didn’t really mind it. At least not until my old neighbors moved out and Satan’s minions moved in.

I knew from the moment I first met them that there was going to be an issue. There were 5 of them all together(three guys, one baby, and one girl), and these were only 1 bedroom places. I tried my best not to judge, so I went over while they were moving to say hello and welcome them to the area. I walked over and said “Hi! How’s it going? I guess you guys are my new neighbors huh?” all 5 of them at the exact same time stopped what they were doing and stared at me. The oldest of the bunch was a guy, and I extended my hand out to shake his, and he just looked at my hand, and then looked up at me and said “What do you want kid?” I replied “Just to welcome you guys to the area. Sorry to bother you.” He just stared at me, so I started to walk off and as I did I looked back and said “Lift with your knees not your back!” just to be an ass. That was the only contact I had with them for the next two weeks.

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"Hot Girl"

[Context - My little brother admires my dad’s DM skills so he wanted to do his own. He’s still learning the ropes so our rules are simplified. I’m playing as a Dragonborn Fighter named Goldbarr, and my mom is playing a Hag Witch named Harriet. My dad is watching over and stepping in when my little brother needs help.
Setting - We stumble upon a staircase that leads us up into the heavens, and we end up in a castle in the clouds which holds The Elementals, who rule over and control each element (water, earth, etc.) like Gods. The fire Elemental, Fireball, a woman made of flame greets us and requests our help. We get the quest and are about to leave.]

Fireball: Come back when you’ve defeated the monster.
Goldbarr: Is there any way we can keep in contact in case we need guidance?
Fireball: Actually yes, good idea. 
*She goes and retrieves two mossy objects shaped vaguely like walkie-talkies*
Here. It’s a little old, but it should work just fine. We’ll use the other one.
Goldbarr: Great, thanks–
*I turn to Harriet*
*everyone is silent*
Goldbarr, OOC (Me): And yes, that is the only reason I asked that, if you were wondering.

Those “Musician Tests” are so fucking stupid cause it’s like “drop! Their phone! And their instrument? See which they save?!!,!” Like no that’s fucking stupid

  1. Don’t fucking touch my shit you weirdo
  2. I love my babies equally but
  3. Did you ever stop to fucking think that one cost $1500+ and one comes with a fucking case?
  4. Of course I’m gonna save my instrument you moldy orange sauce
  5. What kind of fuckery is this
  6. Musician test my ass more like logical thinking test
  7. JEsus

touraybinta  asked:

Hey, i'm trying to be confident with myself but what's really throwing me off is my acne. I'm 16 years old and i know it's puberty but can you help? I get a new one almost everyday and have a lot of clogged pores and acne scars. i drink water, exfoliate and wash my face twice a day. Nothing seems to help. I get a lot on my nose and clogged pores on my forehead and chin. recently i've started getting some on my cheeks. Do you have any tips on getting rid of clogged pores and acne scaring?

Okay I feel you because I use to be you. I can’t really help you bc everyone’s skin is different but I’ll tell you what has worked for me:
• I realized my skin was not oily just dehydrated so no harsh cleansers and I washed my face less and with colder water
•you are what you eat. Get your daily vitamins and cut down on hot cheetos
• sun screen is gold
•black african soap is something thank the Lord for
• acv toner is good to balance ph of your skin
•which hazel rose water toner has cured me
•MOISTURIZE HOLY SHIT •exfoliate once a week
•topical spot treatments will never compare to diluted tea tree oil
• don’t exfoliate more than 3x a week
• 8 hours of sleep will transform you
• mild exercise won’t kill you
•clean your pillow case and wipe your phone
•tie your hair out of your face
•but seriously
•do a mask once a week
•vitamin c serum but never without sunscreen
•be open to new products but do your research and remember everyone’s skin is different
•your skin is an organ, please be kind to it

Patater Week - Day 3

Feb. 8 - Fake Dating/Secret (?) Relationship - (2K)

“I don’t care, it’s not weird, I’m going to sit on you,” Jeff says, shifting all 200 pounds of his body onto Kent’s lap.

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Kent tells him.

“That’s pretty gay,” an Aces teammate says from where he is sitting on the ground, demolishing his bowl of popcorn that he stole from Kent’s cabinets, even though Kent had specifically told him to not touch his cabinets. “And I have a boyfriend.”

“Shut up, I’m so scared, I’m so fucking scared,” Jeff says, burying his face in Kent’s neck. “Did they make it out of the hallway?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you watch the movie?” Kent says through his teeth as he shoves Jeff off to the side, which is rather difficult considering that Jeff is insistent that he turn into a human-sized suction cup for the occasion. “Seriously, could you let go? I can’t breathe.”

“Why did you pick a scary movie if you’re afraid of them, Jeff?” a rookie asks. He’s lounging on the carpet, his head using Patrick’s lap as a pillow as he scrolls down his phone.

“I’m not scared,” Jeff says, then curses as the woman in the TV screen turns a corner in her hallway and the music grows more ominous. “This is for a team bonding exercise for the rookies.”

“Which you hosted. At my place,” Kent says flatly. “Without consulting me.”

“You’re the captain,” Jeff says. “It should be at your place.”

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“It was you the whole time.”

You were trying to surprise him on tour, but you had almost bee caught three times. 

Geoff made a joke while you were chilling in the room they blocked off for you. 

“Shh Y/n, he might hear you.” 

You instantly covered your mouth, listening for him. 

“Andrew!” You heard Shawn yell from across the hall. 


“Who’s laugh was that? That sounded like Y/n’s laugh.”

“You are hallucinating man, go warm up.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Way to go big mouth, keep it down.” Geoff said nudging your arm.


He was calling, and your ringer was on. 

“Oh shit.” You said running to grab your phone.

“Geoff do you hear that, it sounds like Y/n’s phone.” You could hear Shawn from the all. By that time you had shut it off.

“That was Zubin’s.” Geoff covers for you.

“No I just called Y/n and I swear I heard her ringtone.” 

He was calling again. You were laying on your phone to muffle the vibrations. 

“No it was Zubin’s phone. You are really missing her aren’t you.” 

“I just haven’t spoken to her today, I just wanna talk to her.” He says, you can hear his footsteps going away.

“Soon Baby.” You whisper.


You were in the halls, wanted to get some food. He was supposed to be in Meet and Greet. But guess who wasn’t in Meet and Greet.

You saw him before he saw you. You jumped under the table of the merch booth next to you in an attempt to hide yourself.

“Jesus.” He sighs. 

“What?” Andrew asks.

“I swear something is up. I thought I just saw Y/n down the hall.” He says coming closer.

“What? That’s not possible, she’s at home.”

“I know, but I heard her laugh then her ringtone and now I saw her. I just miss her so much my imagination must be creating her around me.” 

You just about let the surprise out early because he just sounded to sad, but you didn’t.


Finally it was time to have this happen. It was the last question of the Q&A and everyone knew that if they were picked on for last question that they had to ask the question to prompt the surprise. 

“In the back, pink phone case.” He says pointing at the girl.

“What would you give to see your girlfriend right now?” She asks, looking over to your hiding spot quickly and back to him.

“Literally anything, I’d give like a liver or something.” He chuckles. “I miss her.” 

You nod at the girl.

“Can I just have hug instead?” She asks.

“Yeah sure, I will give you a hug if you give me my girlfriend.”

“Well then hug her and then come hug me.” You say walking out of your hiding spot. 

“Holy shit.” He says standing up, coming towards you.

“No, go hug her. You promised a hug.” You cross your arms. He looks at you with an annoyed glance.


“Go.” You point at the girl. He chuckles and walks to her. Giving her a hug.

“I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.” He tells the girl, then returning back to you. “Can I hug you yet?”

“Get over here.” 

He swoops you into his arms and holds you tight.

“I’ve been having these like moments where I hear you or see you all day.”

“Yeah that’s because I was actually here.” You says into his ear.

“It was you the whole time, I knew it.” 

“Yep it was me.”

“Andrew!” Shawn says pointing at Andrew. “I knew I wasn’t going crazy. I’d know her laugh from anywhere. Or when I ‘thought’ I saw her in the hall. I knew it.” 

“Had to cover for her.” Andrew shrugs.

“God I am so glad you are here right now.” He sighs hugging you again.

Tongue Tied || Peter Parker x Reader

I was supposed to write a drabble for Tsukishima for my DeviantArt page, but lost the muse to do so. here, have another peter parker x reader that no one asked for (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

I’m writing this in celebration of finally reaching 400 followers!!! ;w; this means so much to me ahhhh and I’m super excited!!

so to celebrate, I’m writing this story, which was inspired by ranma ½ where the doctor character loses his shit whenever the girl he’s in love with is close to him.

**I apologize for any grammatical errors since this was all written on my phone. When it’s posted then I’ll make sure to edit it a few more times just in case!**

warnings: none, just a really clumsy Peter Parker.

word count: 3,300+

**don’t plagiarize/repost this story. Reblogs are fine!


Little did Peter know, just about everyone in his class was out to get him.

Now, it came as no surprise that Peter Parker wasn’t too poised even on his best days, but his clumsiness seemed to enhance by a tenfold whenever she was around.

[Full Name], a girl who seemed to blend in with just about any clique because of how kind and easy she was to talk to. The girl was not too popular nor much of a loner, she was just there.

But her presence was enough to turn Peter into a bumbling and tongue tied idiot. Many of the students who attended Midtown High could not find (or see) a reason why this Parker kid was so smitten with [Name]. All they knew was that watching Peter trying to communicate with the girl was hilarious.

Because of how his brain seemed to turn to mush around her, everyone who shared a class with both Peter and [Name] had conspired together to force the two of them together for the remainder of the year. They had no idea of the consequences, and was honestly just looking for a good laugh.

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ok i made some gay/lesbian homestuck pride shirts and shit!

they’re all up on redbubble, waiting for you to purchase them. there’s also like, notebooks, phone cases, laptop covers, all that shit. buy yourself some gay pride shit! money goes to redbubble and also a disabled trans mlem. hmu if there’s a product you want me to add or if you want me to change something or whatever, and i’ll see what i can do!

here’s the link to all of the products that you can find on my page!

The Hunter and the Alpha

Originally posted by thejabberwock

Originally posted by noivade

Prompt: You’re dating Dean and while on a case in beacon hills you two run into your ex-boyfriend Derek at a bar.

Supernatural/Teen Wolf Crossover

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Derek Hale x Reader 

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things my choir director billy said this year in case you need a laugh today

- *on the phone with someone* what do you not understand about “fuck you”

- *aggressively patting head* iM STRESSED

- sHIT

- *pointing at his own reflection in the mirror* i am DISGUSTED by your BULLSHIT

- sing, my sweet puerto rican angel child

- i don’t care what my doctor said, pasta is good and i’m going to eat all of it. fight me

- *drags a chair across room* *stands on chair and stabs a pair of scissors into the ceiling* art

- ABC, give me the D

- *lays down in the middle of the floor* *covers face with sheet music* I’m ignoring you

- *electrocutes self setting up the sound system* SHHHHHHHH-I MEAN SUGAR SMACKS

- stop touching his nipples, Dennis

- I’m catfishing someone in Russia I told him that if he took care of Putin I’d give him 15 soccer balls

- I’m gonna shove an A2 up your butt

- *bouncing slightly up and down with eyes shut* YAS SING IT

- one time i accidentally cooked my cat in the oven. i thought he was cold i was trying my best ok

- you best not come back here, little twat

-go make me coffee, peasant

- I may be out of shape but- no, there’s not an end to that sentence

Allure III

Originally posted by jihoomie

Pairing: Yoonji (Yoongi) x Reader
Genre: comedy, fluff
Warnings : mentions of sex

Summary : Yoonji is the transfer student of the year you’ve always been fascinated with. What if you came to learn about her little secret?


“Fucking dumb bitches… Always laughing and giggling in the morning for shit.”

Groans Yoonji groggily as you spot her half-awake face. The dorms are loud even early in the morning and you better know that your flatmate is not a morning person. Little the schoolgirls wandering the hallways at the moment know they are currently making excessive noise near the Ice cold bitch’s castle and disturbing her on the way. Poor girls… Will the ice queen get out from her comfy castle to chase them?

“I should fucking teach them a lesson,” grumbles Yoonji lazily, looking into the distance through half-lidded eyes.“Those girls. I hate them.”

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The Best Girlfriend

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Words: 1,453

Forever Tag List: @capandbuck @bummblebeeblue @sarbear429 @bea789 @xtina2191 @lovethefandomsuniverse @evyiione @trustnobodyshootfirst @motleymoose @thegoodhunterrr5 @bookaddictedhedgehog @gurlwitafro @magicalsis11 @aquabrie @fanboyswhereare-you @percussiongirl2017 @dionnemaria @sherlockslove112 @sesshomaru-lover @freaksforthewin @neishax-butler @hi-pixzza @cookee50 @captainidjit @imasunflower13 @clairedelalune @swimmer-sarcasm @lovelife-tothefullest @dylcole @almightyunnie @winchesterswantmypie

Request: Hey, I was wondering if you could do a one shot where Sam has anxiety, and a secret girlfriend (reader) and Dean would get pissed if he found out, and one day Sam has a panic attack and makes dean call his girlfriend. Thank you so much!!!! - @loveyalotslikejellytots

Author’s Note: You’re welcome! I hope you like it. I’m still behind on this season, over six episodes by now. I’ll eventually make myself watch it between the season ends. – Haley xx

Your name: submit What is this?

“Hello?” I asked, balancing the cellphone between my ear and shoulder. There was shuffling on the other end, but no answer. “Sam? Are you okay?”

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