my other car is a pirate ship

singelisilverslippers  asked:

I feel like an important question to ask is: what KIND of donuts are we talking about in this trashbag? Is it a bajillion plain glazed from Krispy Kreme? Is it a variety? Are there jam-filled? Are there chocolate? Are there donuts with icing? Are there apple cider donuts (my favorite tbh)? Are there sprinkles? Do you contain multitudes, basically, is what I'm asking.

OKAY SO THE THING ABOUT TRASHBAG DONUTS IS: i worked at a camp for kids the summer that I was 20. and part of that meant eating the same things that the kids ate, being on the same nutritional plan. which was great, you know, because it was theoretically a good nutrition plan and we should all treat our bodies like temples OR WHATEVER.

but the tHING WAS, right, that sometimes, someTIMES, you just. you just want JUNK FOOD. you just want to put stuff into your body that you KNOW IS GOING TO CLOG YOU ARTERIES, BUT LIKE, FUCK IT, DEATH COMES FOR ALL OF US. IT COMES FOR ALL OF US, EVEN GLUTEN-FREE VEGANS WHO LOVE RUNNING.

so one night a bunch of us were on our night off and we were like, “if someone doesn’t put some fucking junk food in my mouth RIGHT NOW i am going to full on rip the flesh from my bones and start the first skeleton war,” so we went to dunkin donuts (because WHERE ELSE DO YOU GO TO AVOID THE SKELETON WAR????).

the problem was that it was like…. 10ish p.m., and dunkin donuts was CLOSING. what in the SWEET NAME OF JESUS did dunkin donuts think it was doing????? closing???? AT 10ISH P.M.????? didn’t it know we were TRYING TO AVOID A SKELETON WAR?

the guys who were closing up were like, “uh, sorry, this is just. when we close, but if you want some leftover donuts i guess you can have them? we usually throw them away?”

  • THROW THEM AWAY???????
  • who does this??? what is this cold, corporate world we live in where we just THROW DONUTS AWAY???

“how many of them can we have?” we asked.

“how many do you want?” he responded.

HERE’S THE THING. i THINK he expected us to giggle and be like, “oh, just a bear paw for me, please,” or “well i’ll take a strawberry glazed!” or “well, maybe just a little donut hole.”

what we said was: WE’LL TAKE ALL OF THEM.

“all………of them???”


“there are. there are lot. as you can see here, there are—a lot.”


“are you sure you—i really think maybe you’re underestimating just how many—”




he put them in a trashbag. where else are you going to put them? but in a trashbag? where else are you going to put your trash donuts to give to five-ish wide-eyed monsters who are looking at you like if you don’t give them their sugar fix they’re going to grind your bones to make their bread?????

  • listen, i ruled over a cabin with ELEVEN TO THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS and i only cried TWICE.
  • please.
  • please.

we brought them back to the car, literally giddy with victory. i cannot explain to you what the feeling of those trashbag donuts felt like. i cannot. it is, i imagine, what pirates felt like when they took over government ships. it is the ending championship game scene of every sports movie. it’s the part in the romcom where they kiss in a hot air balloon. IT’S EVERY P&G COMMERCIAL ABOUT MOMS.

we brought them back to camp, frantically texting the other counselors. COME 2 FRONT 4 DONUTS. KEEP IT SECRET. KEEP IT SAFE.

they came in hoards, but we were the masters. they were our donuts. we were gods among sugar-starved mortals. “oh, you want the last boston cream pie? well, gosh. so does jenny. WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME THAT JENNY CAN’T?”

  • nothing.
  • you and jenny are both cogs in the wheel.
  • i am the donut god.
  • these donuts are joy, they are victory, they are light.
  • they are in a trashbag.
  • get in, motherfuckers. WE’RE GETTING SUGAR HIGH.
Welcome Aboard Chpt. 12

Summary: “You! Stay behind and let them go free, but wait until we are a far distance out. That’s an order! And you! Take the beloved prince to Captain Lester’s quarters. He would like to meet him.” Dan could swear he heard the smirk in the pirates voice. He stiffened. Captain Lester? The same Captain Lester who was said to be the deadliest pirate that sailed the seas? Dan finally realized why the ship was familiar. It was the same ship that had invaded, looted, and sunk over 38 of their own ships in just one night.Dan knew he was definitely going to die.“


Dan Howell is a Prince who gets kidnapped by none other than Captain Lester, the deadliest pirate to sail the seas.

a/n: I actually wrote this during a long car ride on my phone so hopefully everything turns out ok. This is kinda where shit hits the fan so I really hope you enjoy!

WARNING: There is use of guns and violence in this chapter. Please be cautious if triggered or want to avoid violence.

“Remember to keep your head down low. Keep in mind that citizens don’t widely accept pirates. You won’t be treated the same if you are talked to.” Louise debriefed him on the dock. Phil was talking to a suspicious man across from them. Dan almost cringed when he realized they all look suspicious. It hadn’t occurred to him until now that what they were doing was probably illegal.

He was a Prince gone rouge.

Dan was so distracted by his own thoughts he didn’t realize Phil had walked up until he spoke. “The distributor is waiting for us in town by the old pub. PJ, I’ll use you and Chris and few other men to transport the food back onto the ship. It will be a lot of heavy lifting so be ready. Louise and Dan will work as our lookouts and as always I will handle the transaction. Are there any questions?”

Dan was almost shocked. He had never really truly seen Phil go into Captain mode. Besides being super turned on, he was also extremely impressed.

“No questions? Alright. Dan will walk with me in the front and Louise if you wouldn’t mind taking up the rear.” Louise just nodded and headed to the back. The group began walking attempting to look casual.

“What exactly is a lookout supposed to do?” The prince asked.

“If you see anything out of place or dangerous tell me or PJ immediately.” Phil talked to him but didn’t make eye contact. He just continued to survey the area.

“You realize we are the dangerous thing here right?” Dan joked causing the Captain to chuckle. There was a long pause before Phil spoke again.

“If anything goes wrong today, I just want you to know that I truly do care about you.” He whispered.

Dan didn’t answer or say anything back. He just slipped his hand into Phil’s and squeezed. Reassuring both men that nothing would go wrong.


Dan looked around at the piles and piles of boxes. Most of them were filled with bread, fruit, and rum. But mostly rum.

He turned and made eye contact with Louise. She nodded, as if encouraging him. Phil was having a muffled conversation in the corner with PJ as their men collected and took out boxes.

There weren’t many people in town at this late. Dan told himself that they would probably get away with this. Whatever this was.

As the last boxes were removed Phil shook hands with the distributor and walked out. He gestured for both Louise and him to follow.

“I figured we could go to the pub to celebrate a successful transaction. I sent PJ after the other men to let them know they may join us.”


The pub was small but full of people. Dan found a spot at the bar with Phil. The Captain told him that he would be right back and disappeared into the crowd.

“What’s your name sweetheart?” The bartender spoke.

“Daniel How-” He stopped. The bartenders eyes grew. What had he done?

“I kn-knew you looked familiar. Your Prince Daniel. The kidnapped prince.” She stuttered. This earned him the attention of many surrounding individuals.

The prince didn’t know what to do so he tried to run. Before he made it anywhere the man sitting next to him grabbed his arm.

“Not so fast. There’s a pretty penny waiting for me if I return you to the kingdom. And an even prettier penny if I sell you to someone else.” The man breathed into his face.

“Whoa who said you get to keep him?” Another large man said grabbing his other arm. Suddenly they both had guns and Dan just sat paralyzed. Phil suddenly appeared.

“What the fuck is going on here?” He yelled.

“Captain Lester.” One of the large men growled.

Chaos suddenly erupted around him. More and more people got involved. Fist fights turned into gun shots being fired left and right. Dan watched in horror as a gun shot sounded next to him and Phil fell to the ground.

Chapter 13