my original musings

What if they’re right?
Those people standing on sidewalks with their twisted faces and hateful signs
Who have crept so far under my skin that I see their ghosts in my mirror
And feel their screams ringing in my churning guts?

What if God hates fags,
Hates me
Enough that cities deserved to be razed to the ground?

I don’t think a lot about Sodom and Gomorrah, just enough
That the heat of fire and brimstone singes my eyelashes,
Enough to hear my lost brothers and sisters screaming.

Men and women locked in embraces with each other
Tears evaporating from their cheeks as the sky crumbled and rained holy flames
A baptism by fire
While Lot was in a cave fucking his daughters
As thousands of aching lungs choked mercy between coughs of smoke?

When Lot’s wife looked back, what did she see?
Was it the destruction of a people so corrupt they deserved to be incinerated,
Or was that first taste of salt her tears as she saw thousands burning alive
For something as simple and inconsequential as love?

—  Genesis 19


I wanted to discuss something with my fellow Poland-geeks, and that is his infamous designation as a “phoenix”.

Some of you may know that the word for phoenix in Japanese is hinotori (like in my username). In Japanese, it’s written like this:


火 - “fire”

の - a modifying particle

鳥 - “bird”

So, “firebird” - specifically, the feng huang or Chinese phoenix. It also can be used to refer to the Western concept of a phoenix; note that this kind of phoenix is reborn only when it dies naturally.

However, I listened to Poland’s dialogue, and 火の鳥 is not what he says. Instead, he uses the word fushichou:


不 - a negating prefix

死 - “death”

鳥 - “bird”

So fushichou breaks down as “undying bird”. It is usually translated as “phoenix” as well, but the concept is, not the Egyptian/Greek phoenix we usually associate with the word, or even the feng huang that hinotori refers to… but rather something a lot more like the Slavic firebird. The emphasis is on the creature’s immortality. The Żar-ptak renews itself, not in flame, but in the light of the dawn.

So when calling himself a “phoenix”, Poland uses the word fushichou to emphasize his own stubborn refusal to permanently die.


still getting used to these paints but anyway here’s a tattoo idea I had at work today (bonus: you can always add on when another album comes out)

Citizen Erased - Origin of Symmetry, 2001

“It’s an expression of what it feels like to be questioned. I spend more time than most people being asked about purpose, and it’s a strange feeling. I don’t really have the answers and I have to respond on the knowledge I have obtained so far, but the problem is that it gets printed, and something else has come along that’s made you completely disagree with what you said”. - Matt Bellamy


I started liking 9muses because every song they put out is awesome but the moment I knew I should stan them was the moment I came across this video.

Eliot writes of cigarettes & foggy days
Whitman of leaves of grass
Yeats writes of Ireland & rolling hills
Keats of forgotten love

But I, I write of friends that I’ve known
Of thoughts that I’ve had and said
Yet nothing seems polished, and nothing seems right
And nothing seems true at all.

Dickinson writes of loneliness
Ginsberg of freedom and beats
Hughes of triumph & pride in himself
Shakespeare of loves unseen

And I, I write of nothing at all
There’s nothing new that I can say
I dream of lines better than any I’ve seen
And hope someday words will be found.

—  e.h., 7 March 2017
Of Poets

I wish we used the word ‘love’ more
to mean something that wasn’t romantic.
I wish it could say:

*(but no, I’m not sure that I want to kiss you).

and when my friend took my hand
at a coffee shop and told me he had feelings for me,
I wished there were simple words to say:

    i. you’re important to me.
          (but I don’t know in what way)
    ii. you make my life better.
    iii. you make me smile
    iv. I miss you when you’re not there
     v. you deserve the best

                  (I don’t know if I love you the way you want me to
              or the way you deserve to be loved. but this is what I have, 
                    it isn’t a yes / it isn’t commitment / it’s just this:
                                 I care. you matter. I love you.)

—  a. n. s. | help me to write a love poem that doesn’t promise forever 

It’s still surreal that I planned on cosplaying Bolas about 4 years ago and I’m actually finishing it bit by bit now.

After those, the only new thing I have to make are the wings.

a little talk about the Red Spot suit to cheer myself up a lil.

I’ve only gotten to wear the suit a three conventions, the first con I went to ever, Sakuracon, and the one I was just at. Vancoufur.

I’ve noticed some reactions.

Kids LOVE Red. Especially like, young kids. The first convention some little boy dressed as Batman who couldn’t have been over five grabbed his paw and WOULD NOT leave or be separated from me and lead me all around the con for the majority of it. Which was 1. Awesome because when you think deeply Red Spot and Batman are somewhat similar. and 2. freaking adorable. Red found a friend.

However, most of the time adults will be like “oh! sick hellhound!” and think he looks cool. or intimidating or monstrous. (Though I notice that when I don’t act in-character and especially if I talk people think it’s cute instead. Because “oh there’s a squeaky small boy in that suit lol”)

But going back to the first two reactions, that makes me pretty happy because Red Spot as a character was always intended to be seen as a big cuddly puppy to kids and a fear-inducing savage dogbeast to adults.

For children, Red is a powerful and strong protector. He’ll take you for flights on his back for a ride, he’ll eat all the monsters under your bed, he’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you, but bad adults need be wary because if they slip up or make a mistake They. Will. Get. Gutted.

I’ve noticed the abusive adults in my life were always pretty apprehensive of the idea of him. Didn’t like the possibility of me ‘fighting back’. Even if it was through fiction.