my ocean city is better than yours

anonymous asked:

You're the girl who's sexually attracted to dense cities and indonesian islands right? If i were planning where to put a city what tips would help me pick a sexy location?

There are many eternal principles to sexy geography, but here are the two most important ones:

  1. The tropics are hot.
  2. Water makes me wet.

Using these fundamental doctrines, we can discern which latitudes and hydrology are Hot and which are Not. (Content note for me literally objectifying the planet.)


How hot:

(Note that these can be either degrees north or south of the equator.)

0°-20°: Aphrodite’s loins. This is the hottest property around and Best Location Ever. 10/10 would fuck, marry, and kill for.

20°-35°: Excellent runner up. If all the hottest babes have already been colonised, then you should definitely give this one a test drive. Some of the most sumptuous terrain lies within this band, so don’t worry about missing out on the action.

35°-45°: OK, so you may have fucked up a little. It’s OK! Not all of us can be Alpha Settlers. But don’t worry: The rumours that these are entirely rejects aren’t true! There are some good locations… Somewhere…
This could even be a nice place if we make sure to burn a lot more coal over the next century!
Look, at least it isn’t as bad as-

45°-55°: I… I don’t know what to tell you. I’m sorry, dude, but there is nothing of value past this point. Like, I guess you can live up there… Sort of…
Look, you’ll never be happy, but you can at least try to build something meaningful for yourself, y’know?

>55°: …You, however, cannot. There is no life up there. There are no hopes or dreams or love or humanity. Only the cold. Do not. Simply Do Not. That is all the warning you’ll ever get. I hope for your sake you take it seriously.


How wet:

Islands: Godtier sex machines. I’d let an archipelago run a train on me, ngl

Coastlines: Decent homies. Quality lubrication; quite bangable. Marrying Settling one would be a smart choice.

The shore of a massive lake with international shipping: I can forgive you for not being on an actual ocean but, as a size queen, I assure you that I do judge every megaton of water. You better at least have some skills.

Upstream of a navigable river: Pathetic. Your city is practically a landfag at this point. You could do far better than this lowlife throughput.

Inland: Fucking landfag. Get off my planet.

A Daughter’s Lament

You could have loved me,
The way my skin was just as brown,
As the amber glow of the sunless city
Where you birthed me.

You could have loved me,
The way the flickering low wattage
Light bulbs always broke beneath my fingers,
You didn’t raise me to be so clumsy hearted.

Though, you could have loved me,
The way oceans sloshed from my tear ducts,
The way singing sounds like crying
If you don’t listen close enough.

You could have loved me.
The way my skin is the same color
Of the drink you love,
My smile just as intoxicating.

You could have loved me,
The way my callused fingers shattered glass
far better than your drunken stumble
danced around rhythmlessly.

You could have loved me,
The sorrow in my voice echoed
in the silence you wanted drowned.
You chose not to listen.

You chose the color of wheat,
A shade of brown I could never be.
I went seeking sunlight,
And you decided not to love me.

You chose broken light switches,
The way starless skies spun,
And 40 watts burned a dingy orange
over bandaged fingertips.

You chose confinement in a solitary sea,
Of frothy brown water, too salty to drink.
And the sound of waves clapping
Against the cliffs from which you hung me.

otp: i promise
✧ i always knew you two losers would end up together ✧

album cover made by vvivaa
listen here

a. dreamers|savior adore b. feeling electric|parade of lights c. seven|sjowgren d. sidekick|walk the moon e. prove you wrong|he is we f. see you in my dreams|we the kings g. siberia|lights h. give me a try|the wombats i. must have done something right|relient k j. two is better than one|boys like girls k. tear in my heart|twenty one pilots l. stay low|ryn weaver m. hero/heroine|boys like girls n. tell her you love her|echosmith o. animal|neon trees p. we are in love|cider sky q. numbers|the cab r. here (in your arms)|hellogoodbye s. hearts like ours|the naked and famous t. sweet disposition|the temper trap u. goodnight moon|go radio v. the saltwater room|owl city

Your skin is my native land

I reach out my hand in the dark
And encounter
The dip, the curve, the edge of you
And your skin
Is my native land
Is the woods I explored in the crisp fall
Is the ocean I sailed in the early morning
Is the river I sat beside in the sultry summer
Is the city I scoured for treasures.

I can draw a map inside my head
I have memorized
Every dimple, freckle, ticklish spot,
The edge of you, the boundary
Where the universe
Turns into you.

I know the places where
The History of You
Carved into your skin in childhood
Turns into The History of Us
(Remember when you got that scar?)

And I can’t remember
What it was
Not to know the back of your hand
Better than mine.

@stripedgriffin

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