Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.
Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.
“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”
Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.
I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.
About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.
I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”
She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.
She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.
Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.
“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”
I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.
He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.
If you need a laugh, please remember that once the police had to take my Nan home because she was walking down the street shouting for her cat, but she was British living in America, where it’s a little less acceptable to be shouting “PUSSY” at full volume in the street.
“I think in the world today we’ve had plenty enough
of male-driven everything and it’s finally time to see how wonderful the
world can be with beautiful, strong intelligent women kicking some
major ass.” - Chris Pine on Wonder Woman (2017)
Honorable Mentions: Yuki Kashima in Lady Snowblood (1973), Coffy from Coffy (1973), Fox in Wanted (2008), Alice from The Resident Evil Series (2002), Selene in Underworld (2003), China O Brien from China O Brien (1990), Xiao Mei in House of Flying Daggers (2004), Cheng Tai-Nan from My Young Auntie (1981), Azumi in Azumi (2003), Chang Hsuan-yen from Come Drink with Me (1966) and Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad (2016).
my nan was telling me about the time she met ewan mcgregor outside of his broadway show as she was walking down the street and he signed autographs for awhile patiently with his costars and when they got ready to leave all his costars pushed through the huge crowd and got into limos and oversized blacked out suv’s but ewan snapped on a bicycle helmet and got on a peddle bike and peddled home
I know I say it probably way too many times, but to me, Mint is the Salt of the herb world. Here are some of my fave things to do with it!
Make Mint Tea! Get a tea strainer or a small sachet bag and chop up some Mint into them. Swirl that baby around in hot, not boiling, water and add sugar if you want! This drink can be made magical by adding intent to it such as wanting protection throughout the day, or to bring luck to you!
T H E B A T H. (Fuck, i’m not over that meme) You can add mint to your bath to attract beauty and luck to yourself. I find Mint works well with Roses in a bath!
Mint Protection Jar! Find some Mint, add them leaves to a jar, fill it with some rain water or sea water and bam! Basic Protection jar! You can add other herbs or sigils to it to increase it’s power, if you want.
Mint plants are so easy to grow and propagate, i want 10 of them.
Personal Growth Spell. Find a Mint plant, get a small piece of paper and hang it off a sturdy part of the plant, ask the plant if it will let you grow with it.
Mint can be used in break up spells for couples that need a fresh start.
Some negative entities hate the smell of fresh mint.
Remember that Mint Tea? Add it to your mop bucket and get mopping! That Mint will cleanse your home and make it smell nice.
Carry a few Mint leaves in your pocket or wallet to bring good luck and prosperity.
Tip that my nan taught me. Hang Mint leaves over a doorway to prevent arguments.
Mint leaves under a pillow are said to bring prophetic dreams.