my mom sent this to me in an email

Signs as things my Physics Teacher said.
  • aries: "Stand up Gabe, I'm setting your desk on fire."
  • taurus: "I don't care who's condom it is, put it away."
  • gemini: "Whoever wrote mitochondria as the most important thing you learned in science raise your hand I know there's more then one."
  • cancer: "No don't ask Jesus for help on your quiz if you didn't study, not even Jesus can help you now."
  • leo: "Would anyone like to donate clothing to put on our class skeleton, it makes me uncomfortable he gets to be naked in this class but I can't."
  • virgo: "No I'm not grading your tests I'm trying to sell my world of Warcraft account. That's what happens when you have kids."
  • libra: "Don't marry anyone named Mia. Most likely she's only marrying you for a visa trust me."
  • scorpio: "Oh really does it say you're a loser on your birth certificate too?"
  • sagittarius: "I may have accidentally sent a very personal email to one of your parents that was suppose to go to my mom."
  • capricorn: "Which one of you hell beasts stole my almond chocolate off my desk?"
  • aquarius: "No Gabe, Bill Nye the science guy isn't a documentary."
  • pisces: "Do I look like I would keep dead rats in a jar?- Don't answer that."
nytimes.com
Chris Colfer: The First Time I Braved New York (and a Taxi!)
The “Glee” actor and best-selling author, whose latest young adult novel is “Stranger Than Fanfiction,” talks about a rite of passage.
By Chris Colfer

Imagine, if you will, the Pillsbury Doughboy with Peter Brady’s haircut and Truman Capote’s voice. Add a sprinkling of the fear of being touched and the social anxiety of a shy Chihuahua. That was me at 18, and in December 2008, that guy decided it was a good idea to take a trip to New York City all by himself.

To reiterate why this cultural experiment was destined for failure, I should mention I was born and raised in Clovis, Calif., a small town in the heart of the San Joaquin Valley — you know, where they end up in “The Grapes of Wrath.” Clovis is a place of spacious farmland, quiet suburbs, ample street parking and trucks with testicle ornaments. It couldn’t be more different from the Big Apple, which is probably why I spent much of my adolescence wishing Kristin Chenoweth would show up in Glinda the Good Witch’s bubble and take me there.

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funny story

when I was in grade 6, i was really into the Hunger Games books. in the books there’s a couple parts where the author talks about Katniss and Peeta sleeping in the same bed and things like that. nothing too raunchy but enough to turn a 12 year old on. so around the time i was reading the books, i also had a huge crush on this one kid. i decided i was gonna make up a story about me and this boy sleeping in bed together much like Katniss and Peeta do in the Hunger Games. the story was about a paragraph long and was quite detailed and intimate for a 12 year old. after i wrote it, i decided to email it to my best friend but instead of sending it to her email, i sent it to her family’s email address. the next day at school she told me what happened and said that her whole family read the story. i was so mortified, especially since later that day her mom was taking me and my friend to our gymnastics class. when I did see her mom, she told me what a “descriptive” writer i was and asked when chapter 2 was coming

this is an excerpt from the email abductmeirl and morriganswife sent to my mom along with multiple screenshots of posts on my blog where I talked about terfs. I decided to leave out abductmeirl’s real name and email address (tho I guess it might be fake) bc I’m a better person. 

she outright says she wants me to be sent to conversion therapy for being a lesbian even though she knows I’m dfab which is lesbophobic. happy blocking~!

Rebound

Genre: smut, kinda fluffy maybe? Warnings: blackmail, daddy kink, uh I think that’s it REBOUND

“c'mon, dan, you haven’t gotten laid in months, you need to get over Jason, and moving on begins with having sex with strangers. Safe sex of course” I stare blankly at pj from my place in the crevice of my couch. “Are you done now?” He sighs, “yes,” “good” I turn back to my computer only to have it snatched away from me. Looking up, I see pj running down the hallway into my bathroom, shutting and locking the door. I run after him, stopping to knock at the door, “I’m already over him! What are you gonna do with my computer anyway?” “Yeah ok and that’s why you haven’t even gotten out of this damned apartment after the hour of 7? Sure. And my dear dear Danny, remember that video you accidentally sent me that you meant to send to Jason? You know, the one of you fingering yourself? No?” My hands clam up and my jaw tightens, he wouldn’t. “Well I do, and it just so happens that I kept it cause I knew I’d need to black mail you sooner or later, and you see, the only thing I don’t have is your mom’s email, which is conveniently on this computer. So what do you say Danny? Mom watches a video of you with your fingers up your ass moaning ‘daddy’ or you go out and have someone put their fingers up your ass while you moan ‘daddy’?” My fists clenched, throat tight with anxiety, I knew what the clear choice was, “ok, asshole, come pick out what I’m wearing, I’m not putting in any extra work” I hear a grunt of joy and then the door flings open to reveal a smiling pj.

—-

I nervously walk into the vibrantly colored gay club, my jeans are too tight and my dick feels like it’s suffocating in its confines. I turn towards pj only to find that he is no longer next to me, or even around me for that matter. Whatever, I’ll just sit at the bar and wait until he’s had his fun. Walking up to bar, I take a seat and my eyes catch with the most vibrant blue I’ve ever seen. Wow, ok this guy is so hot, Jesus, he comes up to me and I don’t know what I was expecting but “what can I get you to drink, sir?” was not it, until I realized, to my embarrassment, that he was behind the bar because he’s a bartender. Obviously. And now I’d been staring at him for a solid 10 seconds and he was giving me a weird look, “uh sorry, I’ll just have a sprite please” he nodded and then handed my drink over to me, “anything else?” ‘Your number??? A good fuck??’ He laughs and it’s only then that I realize I had spoken out loud, “oh god that’s so embarrassing I’m sorry that wasn’t supposed to come out of my mouth” “hm. Well my break is in five minutes and I figure I can find something else to put in your mouth. How’s that sound, baby boy?” A whimper makes it way past my lips and I nod, watching him smirk and quickly turn away. I tap at the counter and bounce my foot nervously for what feels like an hour before I feel a possessive dominant hand on my lower back, pushing me off the bar stool and sending a shiver down my spine. “C'mon, darling” I let him lead me out a door and into a hallway, past several other doors until we finally stopped at one and he pushed it open to reveal a bedroom, and I turn to him curiously, “it’s a strip club baby, they’re called private rooms” I nod and he comes closer to me, and I’m lost in his eyes again, before he pushes me up against the wall and kisses at my neck. “Oh god” I moan, “so easy to get worked up, look at you, already hard in your pants” I nod feverishly into his shoulder, hands gripping his shirt in tight fists. “I’m d-dan” I gasp out through moans as he continues to mark my neck, “phil, you’ll have that name memorized by the time we’re done here, angel” I tug at his shirt and before I know it we’re on the bed, naked bodies slick with sweat, pressed together and I’m begging him, “please , please phil please touch me” he reaches over to grab a bottle of lube and a condom from the bed side table and I hear the cap popping open before I feel a cool, smooth finger probing my entrance, “yes god, yes daddy please put it in” it takes a moment for me to register what I’d said before I’m blushing and phil is letting out a loud moan, “god call me that again that’s so hot baby, daddy loves when you beg for his fingers in your hot, tight hole” the first finger burns but I’m quickly asking for another and another and we’re both moaning and then he hits my prostate, and I’m screaming “DADDY! Daddy daddy please im ready please please fill me up with your nice cock daddy I need it please” burying his face in my neck, I whimper when his fingers leave me to prep himself and then I feel his tip at my entrance, “you ready?” His whispers in my ear and it’s so soft and caring I almost forget that I don’t know anything about him, almost forget that all he wants is my body “yes, phil please” he enters me slowly, carefully, gently and it’s uncomfortable but once he’s bottomed out, he stops and the burn subsides, leaving a flaming pleasure. “Move move please I can take it” his first thrust is soft and slow but I’m begging and eventually the pace is quick and unrelenting, his hand grips tight enough for his knuckles to turn white around the headboard and I’m clinging to him and pushing back on his every thrust “god baby doing so well for me, taking my cock so well, you’re so tight baby doll” the praise sends shocks through me, bringing me to the edge, “I’m close so close daddy phil please can I cum please let me cum I’ll be so good” he moans, raw and untamed, “god you’re perfect. cum, cum for me without even touching yourself, such a perfectly good little boy cumming from just my cock, I’m close” I cum all over our stomachs, my muscles tensing and hole clenching around his cock, sending him over the edge with me, until his shallowly moving inside me, our breaths still out of control, and then he’s rolling off me “god you were perfect” I blush at his statement, “you were too” with a sigh, he pulls me back into his chest, effectively squishing my face into his neck. And I think, maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t such a bad idea. I’ll have to thank pj later.

signs as things my friend has said/done
  • aries: *bumps into 3 different stools* i forgot how to walk! what's happening! *continues to bump into 2 more stools*
  • taurus: this ice cream is too spicy for me
  • gemini: my two faces are anxiety and depression
  • cancer: *glances at goggles hanging from a hook* god i wish that were me...
  • leo: *sent the physics teacher 7 emails from a fake email address containing a video of Goofy laughing and titled every email "Hyuck!"*
  • virgo: *blasts Boy Is A Bottom at full volume at his mom's office*
  • libra: *talking about the show Buzz or Delete* if buzz isn't like... your dream husband... what the fuck are you doing man?
  • scorpio: *in a groupchat* smite me w that NUT
  • sagittarius: the master of anon hate... call that a SCHLAPPY MEAL
  • capricorn: my new password for everything is blondtwink123
  • aquarius: *over text* SOME PEOPLE??? EAT 5 CHOCOLATE BUNNIES???? TO COPE?????
  • pisces: *slips on a wet floor and crashes into a recycling bin* don't look at me im vulnerable
I think I’m going to skip all of my classes today because I need a “me” day. The problem with “me” days is that I need them four times a week. The problem with me is that I’m very smart and very capable (or so I’ve been told) but my laziness hinders me. Laziness. They forgot to add procrastination, self-destruction, and the inability to leave my bed to the list. The problem with me is that I’ve dealt with this before but have no idea what to do next. I should email my past teachers and ask them what I did after I sent them messages excusing my week-long absences from class due to “personal reasons.” I should stop scratching my hand in case my mom asks me if I’m okay again. I am okay. I am doing fine. But I have an itch that I cannot place, an itch that changes locations when my fingers find it. The problem with me is that I will focus on it completely until it goes away. The problem with this feeling is that it never goes away. It has always been one large itch that I cannot place.
—  Laughing In My Sleep, Lora Mathis
Discovery of Self

Prompt: superman one where you’re his daughter and you love playing the piano and music and stuff but because of his hearing he can’t listen to you play and so you get really sad about it and you get a surprise scholarship to a music school abroad and you kind of leave him and he doesn’t really know what to do???

AN: Let’s just talk about this little prompt right here … This turned into something that I love. Hopefully you guys enjoy it too. Thanks to my beta’s for plowing through my stories

Words: 1144


          You wait for him to come home. You just sit at the kitchen table and wait. You’re reading in your chair when the door finally creaks open, and he walks in. Those stupid glasses are on his face, and you don’t understand how they hide anything.

          He doesn’t even pause, he just walks straight to the fridge, pulls out the carton of ice cream, and two spoons and sits down. You both take a few bites before he finally asks, “Okay, what’s up kiddo?”

          You prepare yourself to tell him, but instead you ask, “Were you able to save everyone?”

          He smiles, as he takes off his glasses, “Yeah, your brothers and I were able to get everyone to safety. The rest of league was tackling a tsunami.”

          There’s another moment of silence before you say, “Mom called from Milan, the story is taking longer than she thought, she’s going to be another three days.”

          He just smiles. “Excellent, she’ll make it back in time for the cookout this weekend, everyone’s going to be there. Grandma and Grandpa Kent are driving in, your brothers are flying in. Your uncle Conner and Aunt M’Gann are coming in too. I even convinced Bruce and Damian to come, you and Damian get along right?”

          You shrug. “I haven’t had all that much contact with him, to be honest.”

          He nods, “I suppose that’s true, but he’s a good man, I think that you two would…”

          “I’m moving to London!” The words come out without your consent, and the look on his face makes you almost wish you could take them back. Almost.

          He stares at you. “I don’t understand.”

          “My college acceptance letters came in a few weeks ago. I got in everywhere I applied.”

          The smile that lights up your father’s face makes your heart break even more. “That’s amazing sweetheart, spectacular, but I don’t understand why you would say you were going to London when that’s the case. And why wait several weeks to tell us?”

          You take a deep breath. “Because I applied to a music school in London. Very prestigious, only five percent of applicants get in, and I managed a full scholarship.”

          Your dad’s eyes narrow. “But that’s not what we discussed, you were going to attend one of the three schools your brothers go to, so that there was someone to watch over you. Keep you safe.”

          You take a deep breath in an effort to stay calm. “Dad, the guys go to some amazing schools, but none of them have the kind of program I need if I want to play professionally.”

          He just crosses his arms and says, “But we agreed that you weren’t going to play professionally.”

          Your voice steadies. “No, you decided that. You and the boys, and the league decided to keep me in this little protective box where I can’t be used against you, because I am apparently helpless.”

          Your dad just sighs. “Y/N we’ve been over this, you’re in a vulnerable position because of who your family is.”

          You meet his gaze, “Don’t you mean because of who I am?”

          “Y/N …”

          “Four kids, and I’m the only one without powers. I can’t fly, I’m not bulletproof, and I can’t shoot beams out of my eyes. Heck, I’m not even an investigative reporter, like mom. I’m the normal one, but there is absolutely nothing normal about my life. You’ve kept me in a box, like I’m veal. I always have to have someone watching me, heck, I’m eighteen and I still have to check in with you and mom, or my older brothers.”

          Your dad’s voice raises, “You’re in constant danger because of what our family is…”

          “I AM NOT A PART OF THIS FAMILY!” The statement takes both of you by surprise, and your dad’s expression turns to one of horror and sadness. You clear your throat. “I’m the only one without powers, I have spent more collective time with my grandparents than with my parents. You and mom have always been gone, trying to save the world. And when the boys started showing signs of powers you put all your time and energy into training them. I became an afterthought …”

          Your dad moves forward to hug you, and you step back, out of his reach He whispers your name, “Y/N …”

          “You know nothing about me. You’ve never even heard me play. And it’s not just you dad, the guys have never heard me play, and mom, well mom is always traveling now.” There’s this silence before you say, “I love you guys, I really do. I understand why you do what you do, and why the world comes before me, but at the same time, I have needs too. And I need this. I need this school, and this opportunity. An opportunity to find out who I am, and what’s best for me.”

          You take another few steps back, “Grandma and Grandpa Kent already know, I told them months ago, and I’ve sent an email to mom. And I have no doubt that you’ll tell the boys.” Your phone buzzes in your pocket, and you know what that means, “My flight leaves in three hours, and it takes an hour to get to the airport, which means I have to go.”

          He takes a step forward and you take another back, distance is your friend right now. “I have to go to the school early to start setting things up. My dorm, classes, set up reservations for the piano, things like that.”

          “So this is it? You tell me and run?”

          You nod. “You forget dad, I was never the superhero, I was never the brave one, I was never the strong one. I knew how things would go. The entire family would converge and try to keep me from going, and I would give in. But I can’t, because I need this.”

          You allow yourself to walk towards him now and in that moment, your father, Clark Kent, Superman, looks smaller than you’ve ever seen him. You simply kiss his cheek and say: “I’ll email you to let you know I’m safe. I love you daddy.”

          You don’t look back, and when you get to London you throw yourself into school. You throw yourself into figuring out exactly who you are. You exchange sporadic emails with your family, and not one demands your return. And for that you’re extremely grateful. On the night of your end of the year recital, you walk out onto the stage to take your place, and when you look out into the audience you see your family. You can’t help but smile as you sit down and play. And as your fingers glide across the keys, who you are shines through.

Photo Album Feelings

Bruce Wayne x Reader

Summary: You’ve been wanting a baby recently, but how do you bring it up with Bruce, whom you’ve never discussed kids with?


“Are those photos from when you were a child?” I jump a little at the unexpected voice before flipping the stack of photos over and awkwardly smiling out of discomfort as I continue to cut out the rest that I’d printed out.

“Yes” I say shyly as I take a moment to sneak a glance at his reaction, “there’s some from when I was a baby too.”

“Can I see them?” Bruce asks gently as he moves from the back of the couch, looking over my shoulder so he can sit next to me.

“Not yet” I blush a little in embarrassment as I try to continue accomplishing my goal” finish cutting out the pictures my Mom had sent me via email.

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anonymous asked:

How about a You've Got Mail-esque prompt for Swanfire?

AN: This better not awaken a full-fledged fic.  Keep this universe away from Straggle, she will make it 9,000 times worse.

“Emma…they’re opening a Gold Books around the corner.”

Emma jerked her head away from her copy of “The BFG”.  Belle was bouncing a little on her toes, her usual habit when she was nervous.  Emma couldn’t blame her.  Swan’s Way had been a home for Belle when she needed it most–a way to cover her expenses during college and a place of peace and tranquility.  Emma knew exactly how she felt.  Her bookstore was her solace too.  

“You gotta be kidding me,” She hopped off the stool before the register and squinted out the window. “Here? In the middle of independent-local-stores land?”

“You know those giant corporations,” Belle crossed her arms. “Next they’ll be putting up a Walmart.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry,” Emma cleared her throat. “This store belonged to my mom and my grandfather before her. There’s no way we’re going out of business. The neighborhood is loyal.”

Belle glanced out the window again. “But don’t you think–I mean, have you heard of them? Gold and his son? They make a living putting people out of business like this.”

“They’re not gonna put us out of business,” Emma said firmly. “Don’t worry so much, Belle. We’ve got this. There’s plenty of room for two bookstores.”

Belle’s concern did not dissipate.  Sighing, Emma pulled open her laptop.

“Come here. I got a new email from TheBeats42 this morning. He sent me a Ginsberg poem!”

Belle beamed, recognizing the lines.  “You know, Emma, in the age of Tinder and Bumble, an email relationship is a little old-fashioned. I can’t believe you haven’t met him yet.”

“I like it this way,” Emma traced the edge of her computer. “Besides…as long as we keep emailing, there’s less chance of him disappointing me. We know nothing about each other–not our Facebooks, our Instagrams…we just email. And it’s…perfect.” 

Got into another big arguement with Zac. Called my moms crying really bad. They helped calm me down a little bit and told me to take my klonopin. 

I got off the phone, took a shower and my meds and got an email saying that they sent me cookies and ice cream from insomnia cookies

My moms are the best

When every1 knows Malec are in love except Malec

“You saw Mom?” Isabelle echoes with a frown. “What did she say?”

“That we were already married anyway,” Alec grumbles, the words half muffled by his beer bottle as he takes a long sip. “And that she lost some bet with Dad.”

“Shit, the bet!” his sister exclaims, slapping a hand on poor Simon’s arm, who winces in pain. “I had completely forgotten about the bet. I can’t believe Dad won.”

“Seriously?” Magnus chimes in, lifting an eyebrow.

His surprise only increases when the rest of the table groans in unison.

“Really?” Alec asks, casting a bewildered look over them. “All of you?”

“I didn’t bet money because I’m still a minor,” Max offers with a shrug. “But I lost anyway. I had bet on Christmas. Magnus always gets overboard for Christmas time and I had a plan involving mistletoe.”

“It’s February,” Alec deadpans. “Christmas is already over.”

“Yeah well you waited six years to do something about your feelings for Magnus,” Max counters, curving a defiant eyebrow at his brother. “What’s another year?”

Magnus chuckles again but he doesn’t even have the time to really enjoy seeing his boyfriend being roasted by their friends because apparently, he isn’t as safe as he thought he was.

“Don’t laugh, mate, you’re not any better,” Ragnor tells him with a conceited smirk. “My bet was that you would do something two years ago and I lost. Then I bet more money on that time you were together at Venice for a filming last year and I lost again.”

“Is that why you sent me that cryptic email while we were in Venice?” Magnus asks bemusedly, eyes wide with bewilderment. “The ‘don’t let your dreams be dreams’ or some other bullshit like that.”

“You don’t understand my prose,” Ragnor retorts.

“Wait, wait,” Alec cuts in, holding a hand up. “Two years ago? How long has this bet been going on?”

“About four… Five years?” Simon replies, although it sounds mostly probing. The others nods in agreement.

Alec heaves out a deep sigh, shaking his head. “Who else is involved?”

“Mom and Dad, Luke, Jocelyn, Alaric, Hodge, Meliorn, Maia, Rebecca, Simon’s mom,” Jace lists out, counting on his fingers, his brow furrowed in concentration. “I think that’s all.”

“You forgot Raj,” Isabelle says.

“Raj?” Alec exclaims astonishingly. “My ex-boyfriend Raj?”

“Yup.”

“I hate you all,” Alec sighs.

***************************

This is way too funny XDXDXD

It’s Always Your Move

Privacy

I guess it’s just not a thing.

Today I got a printed summary of our shared parenting meeting, the same copy that is given to everyone involved, including Ducky’s parents.

It has my cell phone number right on it.

I have stated more than once in this case to multiple people that I did not want my contact information shared. The CW let everyone know that all communication (other than the notebook) needed to be filtered through her at this time.

But then the Easter seals worker (parent coach, meeting facilitator) includes my phone number on the summary without ever asking me, even though he was right in the room when I said no direct communication at this time.

Funny that Rooster’s mom also got my number from her Easter Seals worker, even though I had wanted it private then too.

I sent an email to Ducky’s Easter Seals worker and CCed the CW. Was passive aggressive and asked if they gave same copy to parents (I know they did) and said I hoped they didn’t give my personal number without my consent. (I know they did).

It’s done now, but I’m ticked this is the SECOND time this contracted agency has given my information.

And as another fun privacy violation, the other day after the doctors visit while we were making the new appointment, the receptionist said she didn’t realize he was living with us and proceeded to pull my address from the girls files and read it out loud. Right in front of Ducky’s mom, and she knew that I am the foster parent. I waited until Ducky’s mom left and asked the receptionist to please not say my address in front of people again, and she just looked at me funny and said ok. I told her that should be their policy for all children in custody and it could be a safety concern, but she didn’t care at all.

Later that day my husband saw a van matching the description of theirs (he hasn’t met them) driving slowly past our house on our out of the way rural dirt road that gets no traffic. Ugh.

My phone number hasn’t been used yet, but I’m sure it will be, and I didn’t want to have to deal with direct communication with them at this point. I shouldn’t have to be reminding the “professionals” that they should keep my info private.

Today, I fucked up... by not proofreading my cover letter to Harvard

…to fucking Harvard.

So, I found out I fucked up about an hour ago. My mom had to tell me because I’m such a fucking idiot. I was all excited about finishing my application, so I sent it to her. I’m applying for a position in this neurogenetics lab at Harvard Medical School. I spent all weekend and most of today finalizing my CV and cover letter. There were some formatting issues, I think because of the downloaded font I was using, which made the document on my computer look different than the emailed version. Because of this, I didn’t see that my highly profane, stream of consciousness, sorta high ramblings from last week (rough drafts), were still on the page, yet to be deleted..the kind of rough drafts that you never fucking show anybody-especially your extremely Christian mother and Dr. Person from Harvard Medical School.

But, because I’m an idiot and didn’t notice the extra pages at the bottom of my screen, Dr. Person will likely not be choosing me as his next lab technician. I’ll post some of the finer points below here in a second.

TL;DR: sent my dream job’s boss my notes - including “science is all around us,”- and other super insightful shit.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

Updates :)) 

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For reference. When I was in high school, I emailed my friend a Hetalia smut I wrote. My parents went through my computer and found out about it, which would be humiliating enough already.

But then, since I was 18 and my friend was 17, I got a very scary speech about how “distributing pornography to a minor” was an actual CRIME. “If her mom knew you sent her that, she could PRESS CHARGES against you, Kelley!”

They also called me a whore and asked me who I was fucking, to have the knowledge required to write a story like that (I was a virgin….)

My family was abusive af and I hate that six years later it’s still affecting my writing. :(

If there was every any question on how much I am willing to put up with:

I just made my dad apologize to me.

After I accidentally overdrafted his account by depositing a check (despite the fact that he told me to, but I didn’t tell him when I did).

He sent me a really rude email yelling at my Friday.

Hadn’t spoken since.

Then he sent me an email saying he is back from vacation and hope all is well.

All I said back was “gonna need an apology”

he was real rude, and I did deserve an apology (despite my mom and sister telling me basically to accept it. No?) but damn sometimes I even shock myself.


He did apologize. Not really sincerely, but that’s kinda big for him because he (which is where my sister gets it) just ignores it until it blows over.