my mom is like in love with him so he did this video for her lmfao

This episode was SO jokes {TVD 8x15 Review}

Hi all! You know the deal. I write my thoughts in real time so anything I saw at the beginning that might be a mistake may be corrected by the end. This review will have anti-Damon, anti-Delena, anti-Steroline, anti-Bamon, anti-Bonenzo sentiments and will most likely have references to other shows and to the misogynoir, anti-blackness and racism in the narrative. If you do not like it, you do not have to read this. Are you ready? OK! Let’s go.

1. So I’m stopping a very promising Kdrama to watch this. The Kdrama is called Mirror of the Witch, I’m on the first episode and already there are more consequences in this drama than all eight seasons of TVD. So far it looks exceptionally dark and mean-spirited, I think it might actually disturb me. Anyway. It’s still entirely ridiculous that Cade’s last words are “Go to hell.” Like why? Also why would Stefan say, “You first”? Wasn’t Cade already in hell? Like didn’t he sort of create it? And now he’s just … dead? What was that dialogue?

2. I like how opening the door to Cade’s world will only destroy everything for “miles”, like that’s such a small scale, shouldn’t it be the end of the world if the devil is walking among us? Or is he not the devil, is Katherine the devil? I’m confused about the Hell hierarchy, you see.

3. Also I should mention I have a cold and I took cough syrup and it SAYS non-drowsy but last night I was knocked the fuck out so if I get a little loopy near the end, it could be that. Or it could be that watching TVD has finally addled my brain. Who knows.

4. They really do hype Katherine way too much.

5. Sorry, pausing because my cat is being extremely affectionate and I would rather play with her for a little than watch what trash this episode is going to be.

6. But now she’s on my keyboard. It’s like she’s trying to spare me.

7. The lighting in this episode seems to be darker than normal, I can barely see anything.

8. I think it’s funny that Caroline keeps waking up expecting to see Stefan and he’s not there.

9. Matt’s hair is SO stupid though. LIKE WHY.

10. I have it paused because the video is loading still but like seriously, he looks thoroughly unattractive like this and out of character I think Zach is pretty cute, so like ugh, why am I subjected to this.

11. Why do we care about Matt’s dad again?

12. Or his mother for that matter.

13. Like remember when she came to town and then made out with Damon and then they discovered Vicki was dead and she made out with Tyler? Or was Tyler first and then Damon? Either way, she’s messy af. The only interesting dynamic was her and Caroline and Elena. She’s pointless.

14. “That was a lifetime ago, things have changed since then” that should just replace the title of TVD. “Didn’t Damon kill your sister?” “That was a long time ago.” “Didn’t Damon kill your brother” “That was a long time ago.” And now apparently abandoning your family because of man pain and cowardice and immaturity is “a lifetime ago” too but oh no, Stefan was a ripper a literal century ago and we need to harp on it forever.

15. Real talk, I already feel kinda woozy but it’s fine it’s like being buzzed and it’s probably the only way I will get through this episode.

16. Why would Dorian agreeing to help them on how to get rid of the “Queen of Hell” be misconstrued as him being “cool” with Stefan though? Isn’t getting rid of someone who is supposed to be the devil Plus be in everyone’s best interest? Like whatever, it was just another chance to take a shot at Stefan. Transparent as fuck.

17. That red looks nice on Kat.

18. I like how Katherine is in this world, everything is supposed to be going to shit and Matt isn’t like “Mom, Dad, I hate you but you need to leave town because you could possibly die” he’s just like yeah fam, I’m rescheduling our awkward dinner date. Like lol. It would be more interesting if he didn’t give a shit if they died but this is just the writers being the writers. In Buffy, when the Mayor is supposed to devour all of Sunnydale, Buffy forces her mother to leave town and tells her if she doesn’t her presence will get her [Buffy] killed.

19. I love Stefan’s face when Damon says “she’s obsessed with Stefan” like BITCH WHO TOLD YOU TO TALK?

20. Why does it have to be a wedding though? It could just as easily be an engagement party or a rehearsal dinner, like sooooooooooo forced.

21. I mean, I don’t blame Bonnie for hating Stefan but Damon was responsible for killing Jeremy and kidnapping Jeremy, Enzo was responsible for suffocating Jeremy and she’s cool with both of them, hell she fell in love with one of them so I’m just like girl, I guess. The writers are ridiculous because it just feels like they don’t know the web they’ve created with these characters and understand that they’ve turned pretty much everyone into a hyprocrite.

22. And as a non-Beremy shipper, I still think Bonnie loved Jeremy more than Enzo and Beremy was a problematic af ship but at least some things were halfway earned, Bonenzo is pure dialogue, fam.

23. Oh and looks.

24. I don’t even know why Damon needs to tell Stefan that what happened to Enzo will haunt him like Stefan isn’t new to guilt. Why are they making it seem like this is Stefan’s first rodeo?

25. My video keeps fucking buffering. I might switch sites because I love myself too much to drag this out longer than I have to. Because I am only eight minutes in, that’s not gonna fly.

26. OK so everything is just buffering. I was supposed to have my data back, what is this.

27. Right now I have it paused on Damon. I really don’t get what anons mean when they tell me his arms are huge. Like I don’t see it.

28. WHO CARES ABOUT MATT’S MOM? What’s her name again? Kelly?

29. Is she dying?

30. She’s dying.

31. Oh she’s dead. Ish.

32. “Oh please don’t be mad at me, Caroline” that actually sounded like Stefan was talking to his mother.

33. Yeah this BE scene is giving me nothing.

34. Liz did a TERRIBLE job protecting MF, who are we kidding? And toasting with your rape victim about how her mother became your best friend and now her daughter will be your family is disgusting.

35. Lol yes use the SE necklace that Damon kept taking to give it to Caroline on her wedding day for Stefan because we’re ignoring how important that necklace was to SE, sure.

36. Seriously, Caroline looks at Alaric with more love than she does Stefan. Like just marry him, y'all are more compatible and have more chemistry than you and Stefan anyway. Like omg.

37. “I hope I get to see this one day with you and Elena” lol the FLATTEST delivery ever. Like do you even mean it? Do you REALLY? Think hard, Stefan.

38. “I want to be a part of your happiness” I mean I guess. I don’t like Bonnie being arbitrary in her blame for Stefan but like can the girl be selfish and feel what she feels when she feels it for once? And indulge? Like??

39. I also find it interesting that Stefan and Caroline don’t have a private moment before the wedding, like I know this isn’t how we wanted to do this blah blah blah. They’re so segregated even when they’re together.

40. Do the writers not know of any alcohol other than bourbon?

41. The slow mo doesn’t change the deadened expression on Paul’s face, guys. Sorry.

42. Also Alaric’s speech is stupid, who becomes “family” with the people who have continuously terrorized your life and are responsible for the people you’ve lost? Like that’s when you see a psychiatrist because you have serious emotional issues.

43. “You saw light in me when all I saw was darkness.” WHEN WAS THIS? NO LEGIT WHEN? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Madly in love, you don’t even look madly in love, you look SO chill. OMG.

44. LOL bout you’ve been ready since you saw him at school. You were on his jock for one episode, then you onto Damon and were unfortunate enough to be his victim, then it was Matt, then it was Tyler, then it was Klaus, then it was Tyler then it was Jesse then it was Klaus then it was Stefan. Girl bye.

45. That SC dance looks SO AWKWARD.
LOL SLOW MO DOESN’T MAKE SHIT BETTER UNLESS IT’S ALREADY GOOD

46. Of course Matt’s dad isn’t dead. I mean he got stabbed when it was light out and now it’s dark but he’s still gurgling. Jesus. We met him THIS season, Julie, you can kill the irrelevant fucker off.

47. I don’t know why Caroline is STILL wearing the necklace.

48. HER NAME IS KELLY. I WAS RIGHT.

49. Why isn’t Caroline vamp speeding into the house?

50. Really? That’s your reaction to your kids potentially dying?

51. So like the smoke is having no effect on Bonnie?

52. And them siphoning her doesn’t hurt?

53. Caroline is legit calm when she thought her kids were dead for a minute.

54. LMFAO SO WHO ISN’T IN HELL? Vicki was in hell, Kelly was in hell, so like ERRBODY GOES TO HELL THEN? WHAT CRITERIA IS THERE? Like if I run a stop light do I go to hell because it’s against the law? What if I jaywalk or accidentally step on an ant or something? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY.

55. STEFAN WHY DON’T YOU EVER CHECK ANYONE’S PULSE?

Final thoughts: This episode didn’t enrage me like I thought it would, it’s just thoroughly ridiculous because it attempts to haphazardly rewrite history and Paul was such a lacklustre groom, like faaaam, those vows were horrible. And Caroline and Stefan are just so isolated from each other, like they don’t feel like a couple or a pair, they don’t feel like one, it’s so very cold. Kelly coming back with her daughter to destroy MF is like, I mean I guess, Katherine’s plan isn’t even original, Stefan was going to burn MF to the ground first anyway, like we’re seriously recycling plots in the same season too? This was actually laughably bad.

I’m almost done with my finals so have some fam quotes

-birds are loud
-but cute
+like me

‘‘i have dememepression’’

-MY DAD HAS AN EMERGENCY CHEETO IN HIS BREAST POCKET
+your dad is my spirit animal

-BREAKTHROUGHS
+It’s one in the fucking morning

‘‘The one where she has 8 legs’’

-Help
-Fuk
-My leg
-It’s stuck
-Fuck my leg huRTS
-brb trying to scape
-I’ve been freed
+???
-My leg was stuck in the void
-Aka the side of the bed near the wall

-I’m still not over the fact that I confused an American president with a chicken restaurant
+WAIT
+WAS IT KENNEDY?
-yea
~JFK AND KFC
^LMFAO
~ARE DIFFERENT
+TO BE FAIR
~THINGS

‘‘*notices your bulge * OwO whats this? r u excited for daddi? x3
((I HAVE NO WILL TO LIVE))’’

-* slams the bible on the talbe*
-we need this guys
+I thought you would pull out the Kamasutra honestly

‘‘Well the binder dial me daddy thing was from when we were walking to history class and my friend had her phone on top of her books and binders and she pulled them against her chest when we were going through a crowded area and she accidentally called me??? so then i just kinda turned to her and said ‘binder dial me daddy’ and she stopped dead in her tracks bc she was crying from laughter’’

-And then the thicc sus thing was just me thinking about how to make spaghetti and meatballs really fucking sexual
+Just go to Italy Jesus Christ

‘‘knk is one letter away from kink’’

‘‘Porn + Angst = Life’’

‘‘My teacher said ‘no hugging, no touching, only high fives are allowed’’’

‘‘We played kahoot in music
My name was ‘daddy 666′
And someone used a spam bot and added like 7 daddies’’

‘‘IT IS I THE FRENCHIEST FRY’’

-y’all doin the most
+doin the moist

-what is ‘‘cronch’’
+monch but softer
-what is ‘‘monch’’
+cronch but softer
-what
~yes

‘‘DO IT FOR MAMA SOVIET RUSSIA’’

‘‘Bendiddle Counterclock is Dead’’

‘‘yes
she was eye eyebrows’’

‘‘if that’s what death looks like death is ho t’’

‘‘Theres literally no middle ground. I either give 0 fucks about it or I will end my life in defense of whatever I have claimed as mine’’

-Y’all I eNcoUNTERed a coYOTE wiTH mY PORN STAR fRENDS
+What
-WE were walking to the park and then a cOYOTE runs up and we’re like wAT
+You’re focusing on the lesser details here
+porn star friends???????
-ThEy sTARTED mOANING aT IT
+Oh my god
-it was an experice
+It sure sounds like it

‘‘A glass cabinet of dildos’’

-Shelf
+What
-Put blood plant on shelf
+S t o p

‘‘Jesus Christ I read bore as vore and I was like ‘‘WHY WOULD YOU VORE HIS KIDS’’’’

‘‘That moment when ur used to read fics in Englihs cause in ur native there arent a lot of good ones and then u just find a good one in ur native and u feel #blessed’’

-I just fucking imagined mermaids trying to skate
+Wiggle wiggle

-Sup is one (1) letter away from soup
+Soup is nine (9) letters away from depression
-depression is me
~Where’s the u going 
+Up the ass

-want to come over and eat what my mom made?
+did she made jelly
+i want jelly

‘‘Novi: I know but my brother has to go to bed and we’ve been talking for like 5 hours
Me: It’s ok I understand
Novi: No it’s not I want to throw him into a river’’

-Novi in the VC: ‘‘I didn’t need to see that,,, I’m having a stroke’’
+Also me in the VC: ‘‘I’m not pure, I pronounce Georgia as Heorhhhhhhhia’’

-im gay for hell
+EVE YOU ARE HELL
-rude

‘‘sky has too many colors to be straight’’

-what will you do Ryan
+idk
+hide
+i guess

-we are all pure and sane people here
+excepting u

-ssssssssssss
+i understand now
-i meant to say aaaaaaaaaaa but i hit s by accident so it looks like i was hissing
+ssssssss
~sneks

-NOVI JOIN ME IN OUR EXPEDITIONG OF,,, ARKANSASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
+AND THEN,,,, HEORHHHHHHHIAAAAAAAAA
-AND AFTERWORDS WE WILL TAKE,,,,, TEHHHHHHHHHHHHHASSSSSSSSSS
~why are yall taking over places???
-communism

-im pure cant you tell
+no we can’t
+cause we can fucking see
~roasted

‘‘how much dong would a dong dong if a dong could dong dong’’

-sshlonguh dongafolay?
+IM FUCKINGH CRYUNG
~dong long
^novi mispronounced schlong dongadoodle
^so this is what we get
-sslonguh dongadolay
^ye thats how he said it
+I KNOW HOW TO ENGLISH
^sure honey

‘‘Y’all Ryan is Romanian now’’

‘‘an anagram for lulu’s children is uncurled hills’’

‘‘in soviet russia the america lives in you’’

‘‘I am in a call with Ryan and I just messed up the pronunciation of the 50 states of America and I feel proud’’

‘‘>what do when youre nervous when you see your crush
<close your eyes’’

‘‘is elmo hotter than kermit’’

‘‘i just squealed why am i so white’’

‘‘I should be sleeping honestly
How tragic
That I don’t give a fuck
’’

‘‘ZEUS’ THUNDERCOCK IS THE ORIGIN OF A LOTTA PROBLEMS’’

‘‘yes the best zombie ive ever seen’’

-*distant, but very loud * YEEHAW
+it distant bc im in europe

-Lmao Google maps is being stupid as fuck
+wow I’m Google maps the
-I wanna say no bc ily but I also wanna say ‘‘big fucking mood’’ tbh
+lmao
+I’m what the kids call
+relatable
-Im what the kids call
-really fucking bad at art why do I even try
-fucking me

‘‘Earlier I was angry bc of fake advertising of granola’’

-FUCK
-WHERE IS THIS ERASER
+WHA
-IM CALLING THE POLICE
+911 WHAT’S UR ERASER

-choke on that dicc
+I just shoved like 50 animal crackers in my mouth this is the end
-animal diccs
+my favourite animal is a penis
+mhm so tasty
-A wild penis galloping through the fields
+Yeehaw

-what is rule 63
+69
-no 63
+69
-?????
~69
-stop

‘‘Guys I just remembered this evening I was working on a few essays with my best friend and then I just stretched and said ‘‘Jesus I stretched my own soul’’ and she answered ‘‘And even when you don’t have one’’ and I was just like,,, true’’

-I once said that I didn’t have a heart and my mom agreed and laughed
+Same

-she was like ‘‘oh i love her hald skirt’’ and i was like ‘‘,, hes a guy’’
-and she responded with ‘‘oh you mean from that one japanese skatey show thing’’
-sure mom
+LMAO
-i think thats the first time ive ever heard yoi called that tbh
-ive heard it referred to as ‘‘that one thing with the japanese weeb and the snow man’’
-i died a little after that conversation tbh
+JSJDHSJ

-i almost pulled up the rappin for jesus video onto my tv in fromt of my parents
+LMFAO
-fuck that was close

-mY CHERMICAL ROMANCE YEA MCR
-did you not know they were the same thing
+my bad fam
-for fucks sake
~omfg
-mcr is my chermical romance im actually so offended i might cry
^MY BAD FAM

‘‘mama i talk about ghost sex all the time wow’’

‘‘i went straight to my PS3 oops
That’s the straightest thing I’ve done’’

-I literally just typed in ‘horny fish’ and did not get what I expected
(…)
+I’m sorry about the horny fish
+ThE inTernET IS CRUEL

-i have exams too i dont wanna
+I do wanna (die)

-PUNCH ME
-anyways
-ur collar bone could kill a man ( me ) and I love i t 

‘‘get your shit together korea be more creative’’

‘‘dad wanted to buy me heelys when i was like 8 or 7
mother didnt let him
sigh’’

-I got sour patch children.
+YOU’RE STILL ADORABLE, I LOOK LIKE A MESS
+NICE EVE
-im killing these children by eating them.


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