‘ i don’t know which fork to kill myself with. ’ ‘ damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere! ’ ‘ i’m really bad at making decision. ’ ‘ if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich. ’ ‘ i just want to listen to taylor swift alone. ’ ‘ pink wine makes me slutty. ’ ‘ i’m like a mailman, except instead of mail, it’s hot sex that i deliver. ’ ‘ i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay? ’ ‘ i had figure skating lessons since i was thirteen and then my mom sobered up and realized i was a boy. ’ ‘ i don’t think it’s fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time. ’ ‘ this plan is officially the worst! ’ ‘ don’t pretend to know my pain. ’ ‘ you misspelled the word ‘rhythm’ 38 times. ’ ‘ i’m as mad as a dad in traffic! ’ ‘ i could do this all day, son! ’ ‘ you sons of bitches ready to party? ’ ‘ i’m dealing with a dingus. ’ ‘ you’re the most throat-punchable boy in all the world. ’ ‘ that’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends. ’ ‘ oh, goodness gracious! what are you, a sorcerer? ’ ‘ i can buy my own pizza! can somebody please loan me $15? ’ ‘ i gotta tell my best friend i’m in love with her. ’ ‘ i’m– i’m pregnant. i mean, you’re pregnant. we’re pregnant! ’ ‘ what kind of taco meat do you bitches have? ’ ‘ i think you need me too much. ’ ‘ i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay. ’ ‘ i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with. ’ ‘ we didn’t bring you with. you followed us there in your car. ’ ‘ saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! ’ ‘ i’ve seen his penis like… a million times. ’ ‘ he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there and i’m saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave. ’ ‘ people are the worst. ’ ‘ hey, do you have any snacks? ’ ‘ it’s a weird life, but it’s where i’m at right now. ’ ‘ i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly. ’ ‘ it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day! ’ ‘ i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself. ’ ‘ as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry. ’ ‘ if i don’t know what’s gonna happen, i don’t do something. ever. i don’t care how much i want to do it. ’ ‘ i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski. ’ ‘ i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. ’ ‘ how cute am i? ’ ‘ i’m a color-blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles. ’ ‘ what’s your problem? don’t you want me to have a good night? ’ ‘ maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen. ’ ‘ anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for. ’ ‘ every prank you do turns out either too big or too small. ’ ‘ it burns! it burns! ’ ‘ why does your hair look so baby soft?! ’ ‘ how do you get this thing off? get it off of me! ’ ‘ everyone drinks midori sours! it’s a melon liqueur! ’ ‘ what do i think the puzzle will look like? the pictures on the box. it’s a japense garden! ’ ‘ what the hell is wrong with you, just waving that thing around like an idiot? ’ ‘ give me the spot or i’ll kill you all! ’ ‘ i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder! ’ ‘ that tastes disgusting, i don’t like it. ’ ‘ sometimes i feel like you’re in one of those weird man-dog body-switch movies. ’ ‘ where are your nipples, man?! ’ ‘ stop being so mean to me or i swear to go i’m going to fall in love with you! ’ ‘ i want you to get off my farm! ’ ‘ i don’t have a vagina! ’ ‘ this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces! ’ ‘ i refuse to pay for the wifey. ’ ‘ i don’t like it! it’s too much responsibility! ’ ‘ shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch. ’ ‘ gave me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you cookie, man! ’ ‘ back off, i’m starving! ’ ‘ your job could be done by a vending machine. ’ ‘ i thought god just didn’t give me abs. ’ ‘ what you’re doing is illegal. ’ ‘ i’m not taking advice from you. you pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘lasagna’. ’ ‘ and i’m taking this remote because you always hit the info button by mistake. ’ ‘ are we all just living in the mind of a giant? ’ ‘ i don’t trust fish. they breath water! that’s crazy. ’ ‘ do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably. ’ ‘ i can’t work under pressure like this. you know i get nervous. i am just a man. i am not a god. ’ ‘ first order of business: we eat their food. ’ ‘ can i get an alcohol? ’ ‘ if you are for one second suggesting that i don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you! ’ ‘ the bees are back! ’ ‘ i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years. ’ ‘ the only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish. ’ ‘ the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. ’ ‘ you ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? ’ ‘ you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night? ’ ‘ i’ve made out with half of the people in this room. ’ ‘ i’ve had nightmares about making out with two of the guys in this room. ’ ‘ ah! son of a bi– …penis. that wasn’t better. ’ ‘ someone’s personalized condoms just came in the mail. ’ ‘ i just found a groupon for hypnosis lessons. think about what you could do with that! sex stuff. ’ ‘ has anyone seen my good peacoat? ’ ‘ hahaha. what a dumb idea. do it! ’ ‘ this is the coin i had in my pocket the first night we kissed. and i always have it. ’ ‘ i feel like i want to murder someone and i also want soft pretzels. ’ ‘ i hate doors! ’ ‘ suck it, mr. krabs! ’ ‘ no, i don’t dance. i’m from the town in footloose. ’ ‘ are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch. ’ ‘ he asked me if i wanted to watch planet of the apes. i didn’t know he meant right now. ’ ‘ would you eat your damn sandwich? ’ ‘ when you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it. ’ ‘ you know… i don’t get what’s going on here. ’ ‘ hey, you made a difference. how does it feel? ’ ‘ do you have a tank top i could borrow? you look about my size. ’ ‘ cheers to unemployment! ’ ‘ i was about to catch you but then you fell. ’ ‘ there are tampons hidden all around the apartment. ’ ‘ i think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. i think that because they’re still in there having sex, i think. ’ ‘ please take that thing off. you look like a homeless pencil. ’ ‘ we are gonna make it! ’ ‘ i’m not ready to lose you. i just got you and i’m not letting you go. ’ ‘ i can think of five reasons why i wanted to be your friend: boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek. ’ ‘ actually, that’s not fair, she might be a really nice ho. ’ ‘ i’m not doing squats or anything. i’m just trying to eat less donuts. ’ ‘ you’re gonna be fine. you’re gonna meet somebody and you’re gonna fall in love. ’ ‘ who’s gonna… lay down a flag on this sweet, sweet continent? ’ ‘ i like to improvise with my body. i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience. ’ ‘ you can run away from your problems, but you’re just gonna find new ones that pop up. ’ ‘ i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s my thing. ’
These are my moccasins. Not my only pair, but obviously my favorite. I love moccasins because they are the closest thing to going barefoot. They teach you to be light on your feet. They are quiet and stealthy for sneaking too haha. I’ve had these for about 3 years. My mom got them for me for my birthday. They were vintage, but in perfect condition… not worn out at all. I think she paid like a dollar for them. I think I’ve worn these more than any shoe I’ve ever owned. They have carried me on many adventures. I like wearing them hiking, and switching between them and going barefoot. They are my most loved shoes ever, and they are simply falling apart. It’s funny how people look at them sometimes, I just laugh inside when they shoot me dirty looks. They don’t realize that if I weren’t in town, I would be barefoot. People judge so fast. But, I’ll wear them until they don’t have a sole at all, enjoying every step along the way. (:
I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.’
It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.
I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
I just want to slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
I’m not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.
Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?
This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!
What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.
I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!
Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up.
When I was a wee thing the 1700′s were always a favorite time period of mine to learn about, so parents took me down to Colonial Williamsburg as a suprise going away present before I head out West! I ditched my usual medieval-inspired clothing for the occasion and instead put on some 18th century garb…aside from my medieval moccasins…they are far too comfy to give up when walking all day ;)