idk borderlands 2 but your undying hate for this guy is simultaneously hilarious and incredible.
I actually love Handsome Jack, he’s a great and complex character and an excellent antagonist, but people just fucking stan him and go “he can do no wrong he’s the hero of the story let’s ship him with the protags uwu” and it drives me crazy. I can make a list of shitty things he’s done right off the top of my head.
enslaved his daughter and turned her into an instrument of destruction
guilt trips your ass about you being a “child killer” when you saved his daughter from him
yeah, you ended up killing Angel, but she said so herself that she died a long time ago because of him
tries to kill you in the fucking intro of borderlands 2
and will continue to do so until and even after he’s fucking dead
gives you a quest to jump off a cliff for money, says if you do it, you’ll forever be his bitch, no matter what happens
if you call the suicide hotline, he calls you a weak pussy or smthn i don’t remember
it’s one of his funnier moments but he literally pays you to off yourself
tries to “bring order” to pandora (the planet ur on) by killing all the bandits
which is the majority of the planet
he wants to mass genocide the planet
he kills innocent civilians all the fucking time, either by guns or by not giving them any fucking medicine
hates when people swears, but swears constantly
fucking kills roland, the badass black dude that was the leader of the resistance against handsome jack
it’s always the fuckign black dude that dies, isn’t it
kills bloodwing (mordecai’s [a cool dude] bird) after enslaving it, mutating it, and making it kill you. it dies from the bombs handsome jack put into it’s fucking neck
he does inhumane experiments on animals on a daily basis
has you kill the bandits he hired to kill his grandma so he doesn’t have to pay them
enslaves roland’s gf lilith after angel dies, right after he kills roland.
he then tries to make lilith fucking kill you
boasts about killing roland, the leader of the resistance that had so much experience in battle
handsome jack killed roland by shooting him in the back while roland was talking to you.
that was a bitch kill jack and u know it
literally the only reason why borderlands 2 exists is because handsome jack is a fucking fascist asshole
and that’s just the shit he’s done in borderlands 2, that’s not even talking about tales from the borderlands where he fucking abuses and tries to kill the person he’s most shipped with.
but yeah sure let’s ship rhack and put it in every tag relating to borderlands because yeah, let’s spread this abuse love story around.
so yeah i’m a little pissed off about handsome jack. which is a shame because he’s such a funny character.
and to anyone jack sympathizers that tell me to stop hating: some people??? hate on handsome jack??? to cope???
*WARNING: PURE CHEESE GROSSNESS also this isn’t edited yet so soz im lazy 😂 this is inspired by basically every fan fiction but especially that riarkle one that I cant find (if anyone finds it be sure to link me!) on with the fanfic*
“Okay, then turn left when you get to the - NOW LUCAS!” Maya screeched from the passengers seat as Lucas completely missed the turn which led them further up the desolate road.
“Great job, bozzo! What’s your next genius plan now?” Maya clenched her jaw in frustration, shooting daggers at the Texan sitting next to her. His eyes rolled so far back he thinks it’s possible that he saw his own brain. “Look, we’ll turn left at the next exit and see where it takes us.” Lucas said, sighing deeply as he put his indicator on to turn left.
The next road seemed even more desolate and dark than the other, only a few streetlamps and the lights of the houses sprinkled along the street to provide a little brightness. It was late, around 2 or 3am and both of their phones were flat dead with the constant addiction to tech prone to their generation. They drove slowly in silence up the road until it came to a dead end.
Lucas sighed once again, but deeper this time. They had really got themselves into a situation this time and New York winters weren’t going easy on them. He got out the car (much to Maya’s calls of protest) to take in their surroundings and see if there was anywhere they could find refuge or at least charge their phones. However, as soon as he slammed the car door, a light sprinkling of snow began to descend and he knew then that it would not be safe to drive in those conditions at this time so he made his way back to the brooding blonde who had wrapped her arms around herself as tight as she could.
“So, Huckleberry, what’s the plan?” She said, twizzling her whole body to meet his eyes. “There isn’t one. We can’t drive ‘cause it’s just started to snow and both of our phones are dead. We’re basically stuck here until morning.”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Maya deadpanned him, her features curled up in annoyance. “Yes! I’m totally joking and that’s why I look so god damn pissed, great job Maya!” He sarcastically let the sentence fall from his lips as Maya mimicked him under her breath.
They sat there in silence for a good 2 minutes, a world record by Maya and Lucas’ standards. Maya’s creamy skin was dotted with goosebumps and he could see her lips turning blue as she shivered dramatically in her seat.
“You cold?” He asked, trying to break the ice (but considering the temperatures, he doubted that would work).
“No shit, Huckleberry. It feels like jack frost is pinching my butt with those razor sharp icicle -claws of his!”
“Weird analogy but alright.” He dismissed. He pondered for a second, wondering whether to give her his jacket or not. “Do you want my jacket?” He asked cautiously as not to shake the bear. She turned to him doe-eyed, clearly puzzled and very tired.
“Erm… Sure? If you aren’t using it.” She assured as he reached into the back and pulled out a hoodie that was at least twice the size of her. She pulled it over her head with a quiet word of thanks and then proceeded to pull it down which meant the end happened to reach her lower thigh.
“Rick? I think it’s a little on the big side.” She stated, looking down at the sweater that was longer than most of the dresses she owned.
He couldn’t help but burst out laughing when he glanced over his shoulder and saw her petit frame being swallowed by his jumper that was just the right size on him. He wanted to grab his phone and take a picture but her death stare and lack of power put him off.
They were content for a while, Maya humming a tune and hugging her knees for warmth. As much as she hated his mocking about her size, she had to admit that the sweater was warm and she didn’t mind the smell that clung to it. It smelt like Lucas, kind of like sandalwood (@wickeryburning). She had to admit though, she was still freezing. She had only got a loose t-shirt and high waisted shorts on underneath and she also saw Lucas shiver, the outlining curve of his lip turning a pale tinge of blue.
“Huckleberrrryyy!” She whined, breaking his train of thought.
“It’s too collllld.” She continued to whine. He chuckled at her groaning, but inside was feeling the exact same way.
“Look, I might have a blanket in the back but it’s not going to fit over the both of us in the front. We’ll have to sit in the back if you want any blanket.” Lucas said, pulling the key out of the engine and getting out the car to grab the tartan blanket from the boot.
Maya huffed, but did scramble over the seats to the back and rested her head on the cold window. Lucas climbed in the back with her, blanket in tow and sat a measurable distance away from her, just so the blanket reached the tips of them both.
Had it been anyone else, she would be practically lying on top of them now. But it was Lucas. And her. Stuck in a car. Alone. It had already been awkward enough over the past few months with too many unspoken words and bottomless emotions. Sure, Lucas and Riley broke things off and though it had caused a little awkwardness the first few days, the two were happy as could be when they were simply friends (plus Riley may or may not moved her pining over to a certain scientist). Maya, however, was in denial of the fact. She had tried to persuade the two back together, but they wouldn’t budge. Riley and Lucas knew they weren’t great as a couple and were fine with it. Maya wasn’t. She insisted that they were right for each other, that they had to love each other. Maybe it was because she was scared of what would happen if they didn’t.
Anyhow, it had made the last few months awkward between Maya and Lucas. They had history that they couldn’t deny, and now that it was a free for all Maya wanted to keep order in the chaos, trying to make sure nothing changed.
A cloud of silence loomed over them, and Maya felt her cheeks begin to flush from embarrassment.
Lucas finally broke the silence. “Maya, this clearly isn’t working. You look like a snowman and I think my toes have detached from my body. I have an idea but you have to trust me.”
Maya rolled her eyes, trying to deny her lack of heat but she had to admit that she still felt like a penguin, especially as the snow began to pile up outside. “Fine. What’s your bright idea lone star?”
Lucas took a deep breath, preparing himself for a probable slap. “Skin to skin makes you considerably warmer.” He paused, studying her facial expression to see if she had caught on to his idea (she clearly hadn’t). He dared to continue.
“Soooo. I know it’s weird… But if we both took our shirts o- OW!” Yep, he had been right. She slapped him.
“I knew it! I knew you were a perv!” Maya stated, avoiding eye contact with the cowboy. He grew irritated
“Oh for God’s sake Maya! It’s -5 and I just want to be warm. I hate this just as much as you and believe me, I can’t even feel my balls.” She sniggered, but could feel the tension in his voice. He genuinely did want to be warm and not a perv.
She huffed before mumbling under her breath. “Fine, but you’re still a pervert.”
He turned around to face the window, lifting the hem of his t-shirt up and over his head before throwing it in the middle, averting his eyes from where Maya was tentatively tapping the hem of her shirt. Eventually, she lifted it straight over her head, shivering as she felt the chill hit her hard. She turned to face Lucas and did a double take as she took in the vision before her (she also thanked her lucky stars she wore her nice bra today)
He had a tan torso, and a six pack clear along his stomach. Sure, she knew he was probably in shape since he did so much football but she already felt herself getting warm from the situation. He was just the same, surprised that she had outlines of abs from where she had been doing a thirty day challenge. And, he couldn’t help his eyes wander around… Places.
“Hey! Eyes up here you perv!”
“I could say the same to you, shortstack.”
Her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of pink and she tried to cover it by making conversation.
“Well… That was pointless, I feel colder. I’m putting my shirt bac-”
“Maya, its called skin to skin for a reason. You just sitting there isn’t going to help - you need to actually be, you know,… Touching me.”
“Fuck my life.” She mumbled under her breath before shuffling closer. He stretched his body across the backseat though his feet hung off the end. She top-tailed with him, her head where his feet met the edge. He gave her a pointed look as if to say “really?” And took her hand causing her to pull it away like a ninja and make her own way to where he lay.
She rested her back very lightly on his stomach, her hair brushed to the side so that it lay across the length of his shoulders and her head facing towards the seat in front of them. She had never been this close to Lucas before, and she thought her heart might just pound out of her chest.
She could feel his warm breath on her neck, smell is cologne, feel his fingers in the tips of her hair. It was a sensory overload and she thought she might just pass out. He pulled the blanket over the two of them and Maya found herself gravitating even closer towards him (if that were possible) so that she could have as much warmth as possible. Her skin felt on fire as she nuzzled into his shoulder and then his arm was around her waist and she didn’t even try to move. Her finger found it’s way to his stomach and began tracing the lines of his abs. Her breath hitched as the grip on her waist tightened and rolled her so her head rested just under his chin, on his chest.
She felt oddly safe in his big arms, his fingers running through her wild locks. He feels kind of nervous, but he can’t help the smile when her eyes flutter and she takes a big yawn. There’s a few stars he can see out the window, and it smells kind of Smokey with a scent of cold like when your around a campfire with all your friends late at night without a care in the world. He can feel Maya’s pink nose against his bare chest, chilling him as she nuzzles further into him.
His voice is low, almost a whisper. She hears him though, making a small whimper to let him know he had her attention.
“Do you ever think about us? You know… What we could have been if it hadn’t got this messy?”
Maya’s eyes shoot open quickly in surprise, but she covers it well by pretending to rub them.
“Well. Yeah I guess.” She shrugs her shoulders gently.
“But there’s nothing we can do now. You two are p-”
“Perfect for each other? ” he finishes her sentence and for the first time she meets her eyes with his, swallowing the familiar lump she feel emerging in her throat.
“Maya. You know me and Riley aren’t perfect for each. Just accept it. There’s someone else I like anyway.”
She turns away from him with a big sigh, replaying in her mind that hope is for suckers. “Yeah? Who might the lucky girl be?” She asks with pretend interest, tracing the lines of his torso once again.
He taps her chin lightly so her eyes are looking straight at his, nowhere to run or hide. Two souls connected with so many years of unspoken words and yet they’re barely touching, without a whisper they say thousands of pages of words with thousands of meanings. And he can’t help but lean in and press his lips against her, relishing in the chill that isn’t from the cold snow pouring outside their window.
She feels her heart stop for a second and her hands are numb and her brain frozen in place.
“Does that answer your question?” He says, cupping her face gently between his big hands, little blonde hairs entrapped in his finger tips. She’s speechless, nodding and not exactly smiling but not exactly angered.
She lays her head back on his chest and curls into him and not a word needs to be spoken for the Lucas to know what his little one’s intimacy meant. Though her heart was pounding a mile a minute, she felt tranquil, like a peace had washed over her that she didn’t recognise.
That’s how they were found in the morning by the rest of their friends, Maya curled into his side, with Lucas’ arm protecting her, light snores from the both of them. It’s safe to say it took a lot of explaining to the 57 missed calls that their friends left.