Hello!~ I really don't want to bother you, I thoroughly enjoy your blog and I have a question that literally burns my soul. I'm an INFJ and I've always had a big struggle with the "let's love them with all I have and when it's over shut them out completely" concept. No matter how seriously hardcore I loved someone, when they left me and they no longer needed me or my help in any way, they would come back but I could not let them in again. I wanted all my secrets back. How do I deal with that?..
Oh, the INFJ door slam.
I’ve also seen this behaviour in my INFJ friend (although I think this is applicable to NFs in general) and I can say it might be unhealthy if it controls you more than you control it. INFJs are profoundly emotional individuals and they care for people and relationships very deeply. So it might surprise people to see this kind of severe measure in such a caring type.
I think it really depends on the reasons why each individual in particular stopped being a part of your life.
Was it because they were constantly behaving toxically towards you? I’ve seen that NFs sometimes tend to bear actions from other people that hurt them or upset them until they cannot suppress it anymore and then the door slam happens. In this cases, I think it is a problem of assuming way too much. They don’t talk to these persons either because they don’t want to come across as rude/dramatic or because they are positive that it won’t change anything. But that’s a mistake in my opinion. We Ni-doms are particularly prone to just assuming things when our conclusions can be in fact wrong. An early conversation could prevent the whole continuous toxicity and even the door slam itself.
Was it because it felt like they “kicked you out” of their lives first? Relationships are not inamovible; they change, evolve, sometimes they perish and revive.
And that’s okay. Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt you at all, some people are not good at keeping in touch when they move out, or something in their lives changes; but that does not inherently imply that they don’t want you, they might just have a different concept of keeping relationships, maybe they have a lot to deal with, or maybe they are just plain useless at being communicative.
Whatever the case, keep in mind that your decisions are not permanent. If you stopped talking to someone you used to care for at some point, that does not necessarily mean they can’t be a part of your life ever again. If you came to the conclusion that they were toxic, that’s okay and maybe you shouldn’t feel guilty for not letting them back, no matter how friendly they seem.
However, don’t obsess over absolute concepts, you don’t have to decide only between “loving them with all you have” or “shut them out completely”. Try to look for a healthy equilibrium and remember that each day you choose, you don’t have to be overly rigid, especially if some of your decisions have been based on assumptions.
I’m not sure if this was helpful but I really wish you all the best. Don’t hesitate to message us if you need anything else. And I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog :)