my life is ruined and my dreams are shattered

“My mom doesn’t believe in love. I think she stopped after my dad painted her soft skin with the harsh colors of blue and purple one too many times. Or maybe it was after the nights he came home smelling of cheap perfume she’d never wear. Or no, I bet she stopped when he picked their son as the canvas for his unwarranted anger. Growing up, she’d tell me that she’d pray God would make her heart like stone, like the rocks that the sea beats against over and over; she craved their inability to feel. She claims her prayers were answered, but sometimes, when she sees old couples walking hand in hand still very much in love, she turns to me with a sad smile and reveals that she always thought that’d be her and him and I have to look away. That smile, it’s her achilles heel; it tells of her shattered dreams and whispers softly of her broken heart.

My mom doesn’t believe in love. As soon as I could understand the concept she drilled it into my head that there was no such thing. She thought it was a waste of time, sneered at those who tried to say it was one of the things worth living for. Unnecessary, dangerous was how she described it. She said she’d be damned if I fell into its trap and ruined my life for a boy that would leave me broken.

Now I don’t know how to tell her that I feel the things she warned against. I dont know how to tell her that my heart jumps when I look into his eyes or press my lips to his. I don’t know how to tell her that I fell for a boy with plain brown eyes and a smile that reminds me of the sun. I don’t know how to tell her that I gave him my heart and now he has the power to ruin me.

She’s going to be so disappointed.”

- n.g //

No Sleep

I think I might be going crazy because Katniss died on a stormy evening 11 month ago while on her way home from work, but I still talk to her every night.

And a couple weeks ago she started talking to me, too.

Loosely inspired by the Reddit No SleepMy Dead Girlfriend Keeps Messaging Me On Facebook.

Major character death. References to suicidal thoughts and grief.

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I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked. I just wanted to send a little note your way. No, I’m not writing this to complain about how you ruined my life or shattered all of my dreams. I once thought you did those things, but looking back now as a married woman, I realize the exact opposite is true. That’s why I’m here to say thank-you. Let me start by thanking you for treating me poorly. Although I know I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, it taught me to respect myself and hold higher standards when it came to choosing a companion. You showed me the importance of looking for someone who cared for me enough to work hard, lend a helping hand to those in need, speak with kindness and even do those things you considered “outdated” and “uncool” – like asking my dad’s permission to date me, opening the car door and respecting my body and purity.

I can’t help but think back to all of those times you bailed on me after we had already made plans for a date night. Often it was just an hour or two before we were supposed to go out. I know, I know, the guys invited you to hang last minute and you just couldn’t say no, right? I remember the sting of not being a priority in your life. I remember holding back the tears when you called to back out, and I certainly remember letting them flow as I read yet another text filled with excuses and broken promises. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank-you for those times, too.

You may be wondering how I can truly be grateful these things, as rotten as they were. I mostly appreciate them for reminding me of how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me completely and fully as a man should love a woman. He works hard to provide for our family, isn’t “too cool” to pray with/for me, speaks with grace and treats me like a lady – not a piece of meat or a trophy to show off to his friends.

I don’t know where you are today or what your life may look like, but I hope these past experiences have taught you a thing or two as well. My prayer and greatest hope for you is that you’ve learned the importance and value of being a gentleman, living a life rooted in kindness and considering others as a priority above yourself. I don’t hate you, and although I certainly can’t say I miss you, I just had to set free the pain I allowed you to build in my heart so very long ago.