my life is great but i seem to forget

Missing you has become an everyday essential to my life. I miss you so much I forget why I left you. I miss everything about who I was with you. But I know that when I miss you, I’m missing the past and not who you are now. I miss who you were and I miss who we were together. And even if I miss you everyday for the rest of my life, if the choice comes of bringing you back in my life and being who I was with you, I would reject it. Even if I miss the memories and how great everything seemed, I know that is not an option anymore because we are both different people. And the most important part is that when I left you I became myself and I grew more than I ever could with you.
—  writtwithwitt | best friend breaksup suck when you’re over attached
Missing you has become an everyday essential to my life. I miss you so much I forget why I left you. I miss everything about who I was with you. But I know that when I miss you, I’m missing the past and not who you are now. I miss who you were and I miss who we were together. And even if I miss you everyday for the rest of my life, if the choice comes of bringing you back in my life and being who I was with you, I would reject it. Even if I miss the memories and how great everything seemed, I know that is not an option anymore because we are both different people. And the most important part is that when I left you I became myself and I grew more than I ever could with you.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #87// @writtwithwitt | best friend breakups suck when you’re over attached
Scarlet Heart: Ryeo Sentence Starters

“I will not leave you.”

“You are my eternal companion.”

“It’s not a crime to want to live.”

“What am I supposed to do with my life?”

“Your life will not change simply because you want it to.”

“I received all her love. Why did I just realize now?”

“Whenever I come to you, all of my problems seem to become lighter.”

“How can I live without seeing you?”

“I wish I had not loved you.”

“Then tell me why you killed them.”

“I’m her/his awesome person now.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you alone.”

“They all get burned with the passing of time and leaving without a trace.”

“If we had met in another world and another time, I was thinking of how great that would have been.”

“You became someone I could never forget in my life.”

“I will become the only thing you see.”

“I came to realize that the opposite of love is not hating- but leaving.”

“I will forget everything.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

“If we are not from the same world, I will find you.”

“He/she is mine.”

“Did you miss me?”

“Did you ever miss me? Even once.”

“I longed for you every moment.”

“I will become a god above kings.”

“I’m not alone, so I’ll be fine.”

“The higher up you are, the more you should care about justice.”

“I can’t see the sky from my room.”

“Now that I’m here, there are so many stars.”

“You are lying.”

“We promised not to lie to each other.”

“Just lie to me instead.”

“Tell me it’s a misunderstanding.”

“It was always me that was cast aside.”

“I think you understand me.”

“He/She should come beg to me.”

“You should have said you understood me.”

“I am afraid every time we meet.”

“My heart belongs to someone else.”

“You have been my only friend.”

“Whether there is value in doing something or not, that is something you can only answer for yourself.”

“Do you want to borrow it?”

“I thought I had lost you.”

“I thought I wouldn’t be able to see you again.”

“I was scared.”

“I did not throw him/her away.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I love you.”

“You are my only king/queen.”

“I will be King/Queen.”

“Should I call you my person?”

“You are my person.”

“We were never close.”

“I may have failed once- but I never lose twice.”

“Marry me.”

“Are you here to see me?”

“Is it food?”

“Are these written characters or is it a drawing?”

“Does it change anything to get drunk?”

“You do not know how I feel.”

“I will only be good to you.”

“It would have been nice to live like this from the beginning.”

“I cannot live that way.”

“I have always been stupid.”

“I was happiest while I was with you.”

“I do not want that kind of consolation.”

“You would never become mine.”

“If I said I was sorry, that would be truly mean, right?”

“It’s a gift only you can give me…”

“If you do this, I will really die.”

“I cannot let him/her go alone.”

“I do not want to.”

“Let him/her go.”

“I am not going to apologize.”

“Did you ever even like me?”

“I like you even now.”

“Did you draw this yourself?”

“I’m sure we will get another chance.”

“Can I do whatever I want?”

“I was scared to come to you.”

“You came because of my music, right?”

“Let me see you dance.”

“I don’t dance for strange men.”

“If you are a prince, I’m one of your attendants.”

“You don’t have any honesty in you at all.”

“I really am _____.”

“If you are willing to wait, I can wait.”

“How many times is that now?”

“When it snows again, let’s walk here.”

“What happened? I shouldn’t ask, right?”

“Can I hold you?”

“When you went through a hard time, I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you.”

“I only want good things to happen for you, and to make you happy now.”

“Trust in me.”

“Who are you to be able to do that?”

“I still have more to confess to you.”

“You ruined everything.”

“You’re so foolish.”

“I forgot what I wanted to tell you.”

“How could you hurt me like this?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You belong to me.”

“I told you I would get you permission.”

“Let me help you.”

“Will kissing make me pregnant?”

“I have come back from war.”

“All I could think about was that I wanted to drink your tea.”

“I can’t even help you, so what am I to say?”

“I will take care of everything, so wait.”

“What are you wishing so hard for?”

“I feel very betrayed.”

“Do not misdirect your anger.”

“What are all of these for, anyway?”

Late Night rant/vent...

I have been watching the Supergirl show take flight again in a major way and its been great to see people responding to it. Sanvers (Alex & Maggie) has brought the LGBTQ F/F fandom back to life in a major way. This is a good thing because people need to see happiness on TV. 

The issue I am still having is as much as I like watching Sanvers, and other ships play out on TV, I can’t seem to progress past Clarke and Lexa. I don’t mean in a way that I want them out of my life and I want to forget them, but there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about Lexa or Clexa at least once. I wont even be on social media and some memory or song comes on that reminds me of them. 

I am not sure if this is healthy; I literally still feel like I lost close family member or friend and I just haven’t gotten over it, or moved forward. When I am at work or school my mind once a day goes “LEXA” or “CLEXA” I am not sure how this is going to effect me long term. The weird thing is I am old enough 30-35 to know better, but something just keeps me in there. As much as I enjoy life in the things that I do Clexa is still there. I feel like it haunts me! haha no joke. 

I think it has to do with the post-307 craziness that took place; everything that came from Lexa’s death and the end of Clexa on that show. We never got full real closure. The network didn’t validate the fan’s/supporters they hurt intentional or not. There have been attempt’s by certain actors to try and calm the fandom by attending Conventions and speaking about it; well as much as they can say about it. 

It feels like a relationship and we the fandom got dumped with NO explanation. There has been some explanation but then we find out it wasn’t true and we find out it was a lie; and it feels worse. There is no Closure, and like a relationship you move on but you never forget the pain of it.     

Originally posted by giuliems

Recs from HD Pet Fair #2

Under the Same Sky by Anonymous (38k)
“It wasn’t…” Malfoy stops and there’s something tentative in his voice, the hint of an apology in his words. “It was never about you, Potter.”
With memories of the war still fresh on his mind and Malfoy back in London, Harry’s past refuses to stay buried. As Harry tries to grapple with life and love, Malfoy seems determined to make him confront his deepest desires and Harry has to try not to lose his heart all over again.

My Notes: Personally, i don’t really care for pet play, but this story. This story gripped me, and absolutely refused to let me go. It was really fascinating, very well written and thought provoking!
I ended up quite liking the use of nonsexual pet play here. It was a great tool for Draco and Harry to let go and forget about their problems for a while. It was beautiful too see how much they’ve came to trust each other, how comfortable and safe it made them feel. Not the mention the delicious tension and playful banter between them! They were quite magnetic and so much fun together. :)

-> This fic is a part of the on going HD Pet Fair fest, i’ll be updating this with the authors name after the reveals on November 4th.

languagestudying-deactivated201  asked:

Hello! Do you have any tips on reading Hangul fast, and like a native? According to my friend, who is second generation Korean - her mom and dad are Korean - she can recognize the Hangul alphabet like we recognize our alphabet, while I have to translate Hangul in my head, into romanization, which I am trying to CUT out of my life aha. Thanks~

The romanisation of Korean has undergone many reconstructions over the years, and during its creation, romanisation has seen an array of unorganised, or disorderly forms. Ultimately, romanisation is a great starting point, but it is not something to depend on.

Relying on romanisation can often lead to pronunciation and reading problems, since learners adhere to the strict guidelines that romanisation seem to enforce. People tend to forget that romanisation is simply a guide, and is not to be used as an unwavering set of rules. This is mainly because romanisation provides a very similar sounding comparison, but not an accurate one.

It’s because of this, that when anyone asks me, I always say the same thing. Forget romanisation

It was not the way that I personally learnt Hangul, since I found it unnecessary. Instead, I focused on learning Hangul the same way I learnt my own alphabet as a child. I associate the correct sound with its corresponding letter.

However, I know that some people can find romanisation very helpful! And by all means, if you feel that romanisation is the way for you, then go for it! ^^ 

But more often than not, I have people asking me how to recognise Hangul like a native or how to improve their reading skills, and it is strongly due to the fact that they have become so reliant on romanisation. When using romanisation, you are essentially putting your brain through two unnecessary processes. You first recognise a Korean letter, and then have to associate that with its romanisation comparison, before you can then link it to its correct pronunciation. Even though this step might not seem very time consuming; it might actually be the problem holding you back. 

Think of it like crossing three bridges to ultimately get to the same side of the river that the first bridge would have taken you to. Even if you hadn’t crossed the other two bridges, you still would have ended up on the right side, so why waste time crossing them if you didn’t need to?

This can often be where people get frustrated. Because you might think that you need to cross those two extra bridges, otherwise you’ll get lost or make a mistake. And that’s completely understandable; but this might be because you have become completely dependant on romanisation.

So my tip for reading Hangul like a native? LEARN it like a native!

That might sound quite scary, but it isn’t, I promise. Because all you are doing, is associating a sound with a letter. You’ve already done this once, so it will be easy to do it again! When you look at the letter “A’, you are reading the attributed pronunciation in your head without any other unnecessary steps, which is why it feels so natural. This is the trick you have to apply to Korean if you want to read it more fluidly.

The key to this is simply practice. There aren’t any shortcuts, unfortunately. But since Hangul is the foundation of Korean (much like any alphabet for any language) it is not something to gloss over. You really need to take your time, and of course have fun with it!

You’ll notice that the more you practice, the easier it will become to see a letter, and instantly read the attributed pronunciation in your head! Read online stories in Korean, and instead of focusing on what any of the words mean - just focus on actually reading. Check out places like MBC News, or YTN News. Or even just following these news stations on Twitter! That is a great way to make sure you always have fresh content on your feed to practice reading, since they update regularly. Try to practice as often as possible.

I keep mentioning this video in most of my answers, but that’s because it is such a good video for learning Hangul - and I recommend watching it more than once. The key point to remember when watching, is try not to associate the letter with its romanisation - try to remember the sound associated with its letter instead. Go into it with the mindset of a child, with the openness and adaptability you had when you first learnt your native language. Because sometimes, it’s the process of overthinking that can hold you back!

I wish there was a simple, quick fix answer. But one like that doesn’t exist. So the only advice I can really give you, is to practice. And don’t get frustrated with yourself, it will come in time! Just remember to have fun with it!

I hope this was the tiniest bit helpful.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

-L.E.

Jack Johnson - Demons

Request:  Can you do a cut Johnson imagine pleasse?

MASTERLIST

I knew that sooner or later I had to tell it to Jack. I just wanted it to be later, but things got out of my hands and I had to take the first step immediately.

He and I got together when I finished high school, I was just happy to be out of that Hell. I hated most of the people and it was kind of mutual. My grades were good and I had a great future ahead of me, therefore the teacher liked me and wanted to help me, but the students took it as like I was up in their ass and was just going for the straight As. I was the nerd while I was just trying to get my shit together so I could go to a great university. And they hated me for succeeding in it.

Then I met Jack and everything that happened in high school seemed to be so… distant. He completed my life and made forget about how miserable my life was back then. And even though I knew I would get hate right at the moment we would reveal our relationship, I still had a bigger fear. I had to share something with him before we put our relationship out to the public.

He just came home from New York and promised me he would come over as soon as he is done with unpacking his things. He texted in his way here meaning I only had a few minutes before he got there. I quickly checked out my reflection in the mirror and made my way downstairs He arrived in ten minutes and when I opened the door for him his arms were immediately around my waist.

“I missed you so much baby,” he murmured carrying me inside and closing the door with his hip.

“I missed you too, Jack,” I sighed as he put me down. Cupping his face in my hands I pressed my lips to his.

“Mmmhmm, I can feel that,” he grinned pecking my lips one more time before letting go of me. “I can stay till the night, but I promised my mom I would go home tonight,” he informed me.

“Okay, um… Can we… Can we talk about something important?” I asked feeling myself getting nervous but I tried to shut it out and concentrate on the important part. He looked at me worried and nodded.

“Sure. What’s wrong, baby?” We walked into the living room and sat down to the couch next to each other. Jack pulled my legs to his lap and looked at me waiting for me to say what I wanted to.

“I was thinking about us lately. That you want us to be… public.”

“If you don’t want to, we can wait, I told you baby,” he said but I shook my head.

“No, I want to. I just have to tell you something because if I going to get the hate and everything I want you to know that, um… That I have a certain past.” He didn’t say anything but I guess he already knew what I was about to say, he just let me tell him on my own. I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts before beginning. “So I already told you that my high school years weren’t the best. I was an outsider and my classmates picked on me a lot because of my good grades and extra credits and everything.” I thought back at that one time when almost everyone failed a test in British literature, but I got an A. I couldn’t help the fact that I read those books but they didn’t. I was still the badguy for getting a good grade. “So I had a hard time back then. Some days were better, some days were worse. Around tenth grade I uh… I-I started to do something I’m not proud of.” My voice trembled, it’s not something I wanted to talk about but Jack had to know. “I was one of those stupid teens that thought cutting would actually help.” A bitter laugh got out of me but I could feel a tear run down on my face. “I didn’t want to do it more than once but then it just happened again and again and I just couldn’t stop.” Now I was full on crying. I hated to talk about that period of my life because I was so stupid to even think about doing it. I was ashamed of myself. “And I’m telling you this because I want you to know about it. I swear I’m not doing it anymore but I do have bad days when it pops up in my head as an idea but I learned to fight it.”

Jack lifted my chin so I was looking into his eyes and gave me an encouraging smile.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.” His reaction wasn’t quite what I was expecting. He didn’t even look like he was surprised. Is it that obvious that I have self-harming past?

“Why do you look like it’s not that shocking?” I asked confused. He chuckled whipping my tears away.

“Because I already knew about it.”

“What?” I snapped. “How? What are you talking about?”

“Your mom told me about it the first time I slept here.”

“But why?”

“Because she cares about you and wanted to let me know that it’s one thing that it won’t be easy to be with me, but you also have your demons. And she wanted me to know what I will have to fight with.”

“And you didn’t leave me,” I whispered getting the whole picture now in my mind.

“Of course I didn’t, baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

I couldn’t say anything I just wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tight. He was the best thing that happened in my life and I was thankful for him in every second.

“I love you, and I want everyone to know it,” I murmured. He leaned back looking into my eyes making sure I really meant it. And I really did.

“You sure? We still can wait.”

“No, I want it. I really do.” His smile widened immediately and pressed his lips to mine hungrily.

“I love you.” Kiss. “I love you.” Another kiss. “I love you.” Another one. “I love you so much.”

I laughed at his eagerness, but I couldn’t be happier.

Feel like I'm not worth the air I breathe...

I may have done what I needed to do for self care… But I’m like 99.9% sure I only did that cause my mother was nagging me.

I seem to be in a continued state of depression, with minor flakes and good moments during the day…

I feel fat, like I’m taking up unneccesary space in the world, each cm is worth nothing of greatness…
My breath is wasted as I just sit here doing nothing beneficial with my life…
I know I’m loved and liked… But I think I need to be shown it every day, cause I forget it easily when I’m like this…

1/7 Yunhyeong

Song Yunhyeong x You

slight!angst, fluff

“This address please,” I hand the taxi driver an address as he nods and start driving.

I sigh, letting my vision explores the gleaming lights outside the car. It should be one of the most important night in a year. Today is my anniversary with Yunhyeong. We’ve been together for 3 years long ever since he asked me out that night with a bouquet of lily in his hand.

It was such a great moment. I was just graduated from college which was already amazing and he made it better by taking me to a park at night, handed me his self-arranged flower and uttered his deepest feeling. I swear I would never ever forget that moment in my whole life. Apparently, the guy himself seems to forget that moment.

Yunhyeong is a gentleman, no doubt. He’s kind and sweet. He never let me down and always tries to make me smile. But this is too much. I don’t even get it why is he always forgot our anniversary date. Not only once, but in every years we’ve spent together. Even after I reminded him about this few days ago and this morning.

I bet that waitress was feeling pity to me. I waited at the restaurant for the good 3 hours, expecting my boyfriend would at least show up even if he’s late. Sadly, no. So all I did there was just sitting alone like a fool who just get dumped.

“We’re here, Miss.”

“Oh yeah, sure,” I open my purse and pull out some cashes. “Here you go, Sir. Thank you.”

.

.

The living room fills with music as I enter myself. The lightning is dim, almost dark. No one is here. Only the music player that plugged with Yunhyeong’s iPod is on. I turn it off and walk towards the bedroom I shared with my boyfriend.

“You’re home, princess?” I turn around and see Yunhyeong appears from the kitchen. He looks nice with that black shirt I bought him months ago. If only he came to our dinner like how we planned. “Oh, wow, you look fancy.” He is smiling widely as he walks closer.

I roll my eyes and turn back. I don’t want to talk to him for now. I really need a moment for myself to think how come I date a forgetful man like Song Yunhyeong.

“Wait, is anything wrong?” I can hear a worry tone flashed in his voice. “Y/N?”

“Well, why don’t you tell me?” I say, still walking without turning my head even once.

“What should I tell you?” I might not see his face, but I know Yunhyeong is putting his confused face right now. “Baby, please stop ignoring me and tell me what’s wrong?”

I eventually turn around, facing his worried face right in front of mine with a fake laugh. He looks more confused than before. His brows are frowning and our eyes meet.

“Would you tell me why didn’t you show up at our anniversary dinner and made me looked like a fool waiting for her forgetful boyfriend for three hours straight?” I say in a hurry. Taking my breath and start again, “can you not forget about this for once, Yunhyeong?”

“What are you saying? I thought—“

“What? What were you thinking? It’s next month? Next week?” I leave him in the middle of the room. I just don’t want to fight him. Not now. Not when I’m still feeling tense which could turn it to a huge argument.

I close the door on his face, lock it before he could walk in.

Yunhyeong knocks and calls my name, “look, I know it’s our anniversary and I’ve been thinking about it since days ago.”

“Don’t lie!”

“Did I ever lie to you, Y/N?”

I hold my breath. I have to give up right now because this is Song Yunhyeong we’re talking about. He never lies to me. Not even once, although sometimes the truth were painful to say. All the words he had spoken during the time we have spent together are the truth.

I turn the door’s knob with my eyes staring straight to my toes, trying my best to hide the tears that streams down my cheeks. Yunhyeong moves his feet to get closer to me, he reaches my chin and tilt it up.

“Please don’t cry…” He cups my face and rubs my tears’ trace with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, princess. I really do. I know it’s my fault to make you wait that long at wherever you were, because I thought we were going to have a special dinner at home.”

“What?” I look up to him.

“Well, we talked about special dinner for tonight about a week ago. And I thought the dinner you mentioned would be here at home only me and you with glasses of wine,” he takes a strand of my hair and tucks them behind my ear. “I really do sorry for all of this.”

“Did you listen to me when I said I’ve booked a place downtown?” I say as I play with the fabric of his shirt.

“I don’t think so,” he hesitates. “If I knew you were booking a place for us I wouldn’t just stay here and cook.”

“So you waited for me too this whole three hours?” I frown, can’t believe what I just heard.

“Not really, I was actually hoping that you’d be home late because I was struggling with the steak and can’t decided which wine to drink since both are your favorite.”

I’m not really sure how to react right now. I can’t just keep being mad at him after knowing that he actually remember our special day and the fact that he had spent his precious time on making good food for us to eat.

“I think we’re even, now.” I say while fixing my hair.

He chuckles a bit, “no, we’re not. It’s still my fault for not listen carefully the other day.”

Yunhyeong leans in, erasing the gap between our face before his warm and soft lips touching with mine. I run my fingers through his hair. It’s just a short kiss but who’d know this will warm my heart and fixes everything.

INTP Confession #140

I have so many words in my vocabulary that I seem to forget words more often than anyone else I know. Simple words, or complex ones, like my expansive library of words has become too great for my mind to hold and words keep slipping through the cracks. I remember the word I want to use, and I remember what it means, but I cannot for the life of me remember the word. Similarly, sometimes I use a word without truly remembering what it means, but I’m sure it fits its context.

I think I am finally Clean.

Hi. My name’s Areeba, and I just wanted to tell you something. So I’ve been hesitant to post this for a while but i decided to just do it.

April 15, 2015, was the day that I finally became clean. I finally stopped waking up hating myself and my life. I finally stopped having bad thoughts all the time. I finally stopped feeling so alone and feeling like I had no one. I finally felt genuinely happy. And it felt great.

I remember one specific thing from this day that i can never forget. I remember when i looked up at the sky, how the sky seemed so much bluer than before and how i smiled just looking up at it. That was the first time in a while.

For months, I felt horrible and sad every single day. I wanted to just disappear. I had bad thoughts that I just couldn’t control. I felt so alone… I didn’t have any real friends and I had to fake my happiness everyday.

BUT NOW STARTS A NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. 

Someone who is a very big part of helping me find happiness is taylorswift .

Taylor if you are reading this, you have helped me through all those months of pain. Listening to your music and what you do on tumblr and everything else you do has helped me drastically. Listening to New Romantics at the end of a hard day instantly made me smile. You helped me escape my dark world. It was you who took my hand and dragged me out of there. I have more confidence now because of you. You inspire me every single day and push me forward to fight harder to be happy, and for that I am forever grateful. Even though I’ve never actually met you, you are the nicest, funniest, most beautiful person inside and out that I have ever seen. You are the light in my life. You’re my best friend. I just want to say Thank You, for everything you have ever done for me. For now, I’m telling you this on tumblr, but in the future, I will tell you this in person. I love you. I just love you so much. 💕

 -With love, Areeba.

im writing to my future self, because she needs to know how life works at 15. It seems adults often forget their younger years once they hit 25. I’m writing in great detail to her, so that she must not forget me. Of course she is a whole other person, I am very much disconnected to her. We share the same DNA and that is it. Our skin cells will be different and she would of forgotten half the memories I hold with me now. every year, a version of me dies and the one im in now will die soon and i don’t know when. future “me” will be so different to “me” now and that scares me because im making all the decisions for her life. she may not have any passion for etymology when she is created. but I do. will she suffer the mistakes i made or find beauty in her history?
oh isn’t life strange?

I’ve only had this tumblr account for about 4 months now..

what even..

Originally posted by whatsadbeautifultragic

Which seems so crazy to me… It has become such a big part of my daily life and I really can’t remember my lonely, boring world without it… I spend the majority of most of my days on here.. And I have had the please of finding so many great people who I talk to almost everyday and I can’t remember my world without them either.. The reason why I made a Taylor based tumblr is because I wanted to find people who would accept me, and care for me and be my friends and also obsess with me.. And I have found that in every single person and I COULD NOT BE MORE THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!

mnmegg Maeghen, you are my sister okay? I love you and you inspire me SO MUCH and make me want to be a better person and even though you’re busy with school you still make time for me and I appreciate that so much. I usually wake up with a smile on my face and you are someone who keeps that smile on for the rest of the day.

blank-space-swiftie Zoe, is it bad that I don’t even remember how we became friends? It has just felt like that long. And I <3 you so much! You make me happy and your love for soccer has made me love it more than I did before. I love our summer snapchatting at 2:00 AM (AND I’M CURSING YOUR NAME) and how we talk about the most random stuff sometimes?

cats-and-wildest-dreams Ceci, It all started with a shirt that made me feel like a hippie and a long list of Taylor Swift lyrics exchanged back and forth. You are so strong and TAYMAZING and so gorgeous and I love talking to you because we relate so much.. When you smile I smile.. And that’s something that I love doing and I love seeing you happy and just. <3 <3 <3

taylortv13 ANNA!!!! LA concerts? Yup. That’s when we became friends.. And even though it hasn’t even been that long.. It feels like it has. I value your friendship so much. You take the time to actually reply to all my snapchat videos that pile up over the day which I love :.D cause I know i’m excessive and annoying but you still do! You’re STUNNING and cute and I JUST WANNA SQUISH YOU INTO A HUG OKAY?!?! 

madi2100 HIIII MAAAAADDDDIIIIII:D How ya doing? Thank you for being you and talking to me on snapchat.. which i’m pretty sure your mom still doesn’t know you have? :P YAY FOR REBELLING! Just don’t let her find out cause I don’t know if I could get through a day of not talking to you… You make me laugh and we talk basically every night and YOU’RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL! Plus you are like.. fearless.. Which I wish I was but i’m not:P I LOVE YOUUUUUU AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND OKAY?!

bakingcookieswithtaylor CINDY!!:D You. Are. Breathtaking. okay? and we send videos every day which I love.. though our time difference SUCKS. But we make do! Especially on weekends! I value your opinion on everything, but even more on style.. We are both similar in a way with that I think.. AND I LOVE IT!:D One day.. I hope you get to bake cookies with Taylor!!! But today… or sometime in the near future at least, I hope you get to see her in concert! THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME HAPPY! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

alltoowonderstruck Reed, Hi! YOUR CONCERT IS IN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH OH MY GOSH!!:D I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!! How’s your costume coming.. IT’S GOING TO BE SO WONDERIFIC OH MY GOSH!!!! We bonded on Kik and on snapchat and I love talking to you and hearing your opinions and being able to be a part of your day!!:D 

tayloralisonswiftsupporter Sophie, You are so pretty<3 and plus… you’re on youtube which is goals… I still can’t work up the nerves for that!! I love talking to you and seeing your face on snapchat and your blog on my dash!!!<3 <3 <3

alltoowellyeah Paula! Hi!! SNAPCHAT FILTER BUDDY!! I love seeing you try out the new filters and I know I probably overwhelm you with videos but the few I get back I ENJOY SO MUCH!!!:D Our conversations about Harry Potter are VERY important too.. and honestly.. your account is GOALS.. okay?

bekah218 Rebekah! I know we haven’t been talking long.. A little over a week actually.. But you too have become a part of my daily life that I couldn’t imagine you not in.. You’re so so so so so beautiful on the inside in out. Sometimes, I’m a tad jealous. Thank you for becoming my friend and allowing me into your life <3

1989tayvin HIII ANGELA!!:D I’M SO SAD THAT I HAD TO MISS YOU IN MINNESOTA BUT I’M SO HAPPY THAT YOU RECEIVED A FOLLOW FROM TAYLOR! I have to say that you are my favorite blog to stalk. Because you’re wonderific.. (obviously) and also TAYVIN!!!! But honestly, we should talk more if you like and YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD IN THIS WORLD OKAY?!

greeneyesat2am Aria! You beautiful thing… THANK YOU FOR BEING LOVELY! We sadly don’t talk much either but I think that should change… Unlike you.. because you are taymazing and wonderific with a beautiful face and blog and you.. are… goals.. okay? plus your url.. <3

drowninginswift ELLA!!! Your confetti is on it’s way!!!:D I hope you enjoy it! I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to meet you and GIVE YOU A HUG and talk to you even if it wasn’t for the longest time… I love knowing that there’s someone living relatively close to me on here and that I have met.. cause one day I hope to meet all of my friends on here and you were the first!:D Your costume was.. goals.. and I still want one.. <3

swizzyizzy Izzy! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I MISS YOU AND OUR CONVERSATIONS AND WHAT? PLEEEAAASSSEE COME BACK!

thotjuly9th Hi Caitlin!!:D You look stunning in your dress… SO GORGEOUS! I can’t wait til you see Taylor! (YOU’RE GOING THE SAME DAY AS REED!:D) You have such a beautiful soul and it’s definitely something that reflects on the outside from what I have seen<3.

survivingrainstorms Meha! (SUCH A UNIQUE NAME I LOVE IT!!) You have been a part of my life on tumblr from pretty much the very beginning… You are constantly showing up in my notifications and I have no way to repay you for that so THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are so wonderific and I would like to talk to you more<3

I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIENDS AND FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY CONSTANT LIPSYNCING VIDEOS IF YOU FOLLOW ME ON SNAPCHAT.. (i’m sorry.. actually i’m not :.D) (If you don’t… follow me ;) im ilovetwirling11) THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME SO HAPPY<3 I HOPE TO GIVE YOU ALL HUGS ONE DAY

Originally posted by daniswifty

To everyone else, YOU ARE SO LOVELY! THANK YOU!!! Please, come and be my friend!!! I LOVE FRIENDS 

And lastly, to Taylor.. Thank you.. for providing me the opportunity to be able to meet all these wonderific people. You and all of them… help make my life complete and make me happy. I love you. taylorswift

Originally posted by asthelightsgodowndropeverything

Today.

I’ve been struggling finding an apartment, as you know. It’s hard to find a place in LA that’s a good price and also safe. Since I’ll be living alone, I definitely want to make sure wherever I next live is a good place for me. So I’ve had the stress of moving looming over my head all month. I found a few but haven’t heard back. I don’t really express this stuff (as bad as it is) online a whole lot because I always get the “why are you so sad, your life is great” or “stop complaining”. People seem to forget I’m human. Life trolls me. Hard. I can’t be this happy go lucky robot all the time. But today really did it to me.  A few days ago I felt like breaking. Like at the end of this month I could possibly end up sleeping in my car, mooching wifi off Starbucks trying to find an apartment maybe even in the ghetto if I have to. I have no where to go. My family is thousands of miles away and the friends I have don’t have room for me and I’d hate to impose. So I decided to fly my best friend out from the UK. Someone who would give up anything to help me. All night last night I was excited as heck and could barely sleep. This morning I rushed to LAX as fast as I could and received a text he had landed and was getting off the plane. I was stoked. I circled LAX waiting to hear back but my texts weren’t even sending. Oh you dork you let your phone die again, huh?  I parked the car and waited. Then decided to go inside and wait by the door. That’d surprise him! I waited and waited. I asked front desk people when the London flight would get through border control. They shrugged and I continued to sit by that door. That’s when it happened. My phone rings and I answer excitedly, thinking his phone really did die and he found a nice lil old lady to use her phone to contact me. “Is this Kaitlin Witcher?” what? “Yes this is she.” “Ma’am, your boyfriend is detained in blah blah blah” My throat closed and I felt sick. Detained? What does that mean? She tells me he’ll call me in an hour. That didn’t sound good. I go back to my car and fidget for an hour. I haven’t eaten. We were supposed to go get Chick-fil-a and go watch the sunset by now. Yet I was alone in my car with tears rolling down my face. An hour goes by and I get a call. “Is this Kaitlin Witcher?” “Yes! Yes this is she!” “I’m going to put your boyfriend on speakerphone, okay? He needs to tell you something.” oh shit. “Kate?” “Yeah I’m here are you okay?” “…they’re sending me home.” 

I cannot express to you how much it hurt listening to someone you love sound so broken. The rest is a blur something about visa something about how they thought he came to work here. They sent him to a flight back to the UK an hour later. 

I’ve been laying on my bed telling myself I can figure this out. I don’t feel like I can. I know I’m lying to myself. The one person I needed most and who was so close to me got taken away. I am so sad and I hate feeling this way. All I can think of is how awful this is. I saved my money to fly my SO out here and the US Border Control can say no, just like that. I tried to explain he isn’t out for work, he came for me. But they didn’t care. 

Why is this such an issue? We’re all on the same planet. We’re all the same creatures. Why are we putting so many borders on so many things? 

I’m sorry for the long rant. I just needed someone to talk to and you are always here for me. <3

I don’t know if it’s just me or whenever I see Hollywood undead related things it makes me so happy it always brings a smile to my face and helps me forget about the bad things in life. And I especially feel happy when I see J3T, Charlie, Kurlzz, Funny man, J-dog, and Danny with a smile or laughing. Knowing that they are happy and partying and just overall having a great life makes mine seem so worth it. HU gives me a reason to move on from things, they give me a reason to keep trying, they give me a reason to live. But whenever I actually dig deep and think about how I will never see any of them, I always kinda lose that happiness for a little bit. They’re my heroes and it hurts that I can’t actually thank them for making me so happy and helping me through some of my depression. I truly love them and thank them, I know I sound like an annoying fanboy but I’m so grateful for them.

My return to Boston

This is a following up to ‘My return to Paris’  It is set within canon, trying to augment and give some ideas about a few people we meet later on.  Many thanks to @lenny9987 for being a great copy editor and to @mybeautifuldecay for talking through my ideas.

Exhausted. Drained. Frayed

My trip to Paris had done the complete opposite of what I had hoped. I had gone with the vain hope that it would help to close the door on a chapter of my life. Instead it seemed to reprint it in bold.

When I had found the flowers at the graveyard, my half soul cried out for its partner in remembrance for the grief shared but I would not give in to it. Not here, not on my own. I had made a promise to forget, to move on. I had been keeping my promise as best as I could but in that brief moment, my soul betrayed me.

The flight had been long and cramped. I sat next to a man who was intent on talking to me as much as possible and to ascertain where my husband was. I caught up in my medical journals. A particular graphic description of a man with fourth stage syphilis seemed to quieten my would be companion.

I tossed and turned in my seat hoping to grab as much rest as I could my hair curling up at the edges despite my valiant attempts to keep it in check.
Frank and Brianna had been at Logan on my return. As luck would have it, I spotted them before they saw me, and I was able to duck into a nearby toilet, smooth my hair and apply some make up. Importantly I also took the moment to compose myself and bring some semblance of calm.
‘Time to get a grip Beauchamp’ I muttered under my breath.

'Mama! Over here!’ There was no mistaking Bree, standing in a bright green shift, hair flowing and bright. Next to her was Frank, polite smiles and courteousness.

Claire, so lovely to have you home. I hope the conference went well? He leaned in for a kiss and chastely touched my cheek.

'It was most enlightening. But I’m back and’ I turned to Brianna ’ I cannot wait to hear all the news’

The car journey felt long. Tiredness was kicking in throughout my body. My head felt fuzzy, my bones aches and my muscles had turned to jelly. Bree talked for most of the journey home, filling in the awkward silences and my disinterest in what Frank was saying to me.

We arrived and stilted conversation turned into silence.

Everything was the same, except it wasn’t. Like being given a pair of glasses to wear for the first time I felt as if I was seeing this as clearly as I ever had. The way the light dappled on the sofa, hinting at the dust. Frank’s weary look towards me, his face aged and worn with all traces of gentleness and smoothness erased. My own, a painted mask.
Just as in the graveyard I felt it again, the odd sensation of being watched or, guarded over. There was an almost ethereal presence in the house. I shook it off which Frank mistook for cold and came over to hug me. I froze and he backed away. I turned and smiled as best as I could
Presents! Who wants to see what I got!
The excitement of my arrival dissipated very quickly with Bree eager to leave to be with friends. Frank said he would be late as he had a faculty meeting to attend. I ran a bath a​​nd ​began shedding my clothes. ​ ​Dropping into the warmth of the bath was pretty much the best thing I had done in the last 50 or so hours and my mind began to wonder about what would happen next. I was back in Boston and the life I had to call home. But like a sock that has been repeatedly darned and mended, the fabric of my being was threadbare and the holes beginning to show. Whether I recognised it, France was the yarn that began the unravelling. Bree would be gone in less than a couple of years, my work was increasingly taking up my time. Then what? What would become of me when my link to the past is no longer there every day? What did it mean for Frank and myself? I wiped off all traces of make up, the last vestiges of the projection to the outside world and stared hard in the mirror and the reflection in front of me. Time passes and we change every day without noticing it. Would he notice? How would I have aged if I had stayed? I shook my head to try and rid myself of the thoughts. It is what it is Beauchamp, live with it.

Lying in bed, I felt an odd sense of comfort, as this was the most comfortable bed I had ever slept in. Warm arms seemed to circle me and I fell into a deep sleep.

And there I fell, onto a woollen plaid, laying on a bed of leaves. It wasn’t Scotland, or at least it didn’t feel like Scotland, more like one of those photos of the American wilderness I had seen in Bree’s textbooks. The plaid was scratchy against my skin but the leaves were gloriously soft. I felt at peace in an instant.

I realised I was not alone.  A hand reached for my breast first and began gentle ministrations. I could feel the hardness of my nipple against the linen shift I wore; each time gently chafing and increasing the sensation. Bristles tickling up and down my leg, gentle kisses as soft as velvet and a probing tongue. It continued at a gentle, yet persistent pace and I felt the most exquisite sensation filled with lust and desire and a building throbbing. I had not felt this way for many years and with one person.

Jamie.

I moved my head up to see a head of curls and sharp piecing eyes looking at me, smiling.

I gasped, my head fell back and as he began again to increase his speed, the slippery tongue pushing every nerve ending throughout my body ache with pleasure. I burned and exploded with an intensity I had not experienced for over 17 years. I steadied myself and reached out to bring him to me, touching his face as he kissed my hand, the Viking nose rubbing along my palm. I tried to focus on his face but it had begun to loose its clarity and the edges began to soften. He said something that I didn’t hear but I woke up instantly my palms sweating and a throbbing between my legs.

With quick movements, I dealt with my desire but in comparison to the dream it felt perfunctory and in some ways only heightened my loneliness.

The house had grown quiet and dark and I rose from my bed and headed to my case where I searched for a large, battered book on medical botany. I gently thumbed through the pages and stopped to my goal, the delicate, almost paper like blue petals between my fingers. I closed my eyes and began to make plans.

One day, one rhyme- Day 912

One day a stone fell from the sky.
I saw it fall with my own eye,
Or I’d have thought it must be thrown.
It was quite small, and white as bone
And when I picked it up, I felt
Some kind of good luck I’d been dealt.
My sky-stone brought fortune it seemed,
And all the good dreams that I’d dreamed
Seemed to become reality.
My life was great, to some degree,
But it wasn’t to last I guess.
I found myself in some distress.
I thought the stone unlucky, so
I gave that rock the old heave ho,
Since all the good luck turned to bad.
I cannot forget what I had,
But i can plan the future too
And I can find fortune anew,
Cos it seems the luck was my own
And it never came from a stone.

I was having a great day until I got home and had to clean up a big mess made by my dog who seems to forget that the couch is not a chew toy. I truly have dedicated my life to cleaning up other people’s messes. I think that’s his way of telling me I haven’t been spending enough time with him. Or he wasn’t a big fan of the couch. All I know is that tomorrow is Saturday and I’m not getting out of bed until noon.