my life is going wrong

story time: presidential edition
  • so you know how everyone has a story
  • you know
  • like the story
  • like if you’re at a party and someone turns to you and says, tell the story
  • and you know exactly what they mean
  • the story
  • well 
  • i have a story
  • and not unlike most good stories, it involves three key components:
  • barack obama
  • pre-2008 reebok sneakers 
  • and the absolute earth-shattering horror you can only feel after making the worst mistake of your life

Keep reading

Let me introduce you to three of my friends: hallucigenia, opabinia, and wiwaxia. They’re all from the Cambrian explosion, the period of time around 500 million years ago when life was just starting and was still trying to figure out questions like “how should a mouth work?” and “legs?”

Hallucigenia was about an inch long (most life back then was tiny, they were only a few eras removed from being single celled after all) and it had sixteen clawed legs, hard spines coming out of its back, and a wicked tentacle neckbeard. 

Opabinia was between two to three inches long and it had thirty fins along the side of its body, along with five mushroom shaped eyes on top of its head. By far though, its most interesting feature was its strange proboscis. Like a Dr. Moreau style mashup of an elephant and a lobster, the long nose terminated in a large claw that it used to grab prey and bring it to its backward facing mouth.

Finally, this is wiwaxia. This danger-artichoke was a two inch long armored slug-like creature with no head. In fact, its actual body was largely just its one massive foot. 

I find these animals interesting for three main reasons. First, it’s incredibly fascinating to see all of the potential paths that life on earth could have taken. Imagine an ocean filled with elephant lobsters! Second, whenever I feel like my life is going nowhere and all my choices are the wrong ones, I like to think that I’m in in my phase where I’m still developing hallucigenias and wiwaxias, and not yet making awesome things like butterflies or velociraptors. Finally - it serves as a stark reminder that if we ever find alien life, there is a fantastic chance it will look like nothing we’ve ever seen before - it might look more like one of these creatures than a human being. 

“I’m glad I had a daughter. Ever since my grandmother died, I’ve needed the female energy in my life. It’s good energy. I mean, when things go wrong, another man can tell you that everything is going to be OK. But not like a woman can.”

There’s only ever been one person I’ve looked at and thought … “I could quite easily spend the entire rest of my life with that man”.


And sooner or later I need to accept that he’s spending it with somebody else.

—  Ranata Suzuki
3

“All the money I had saved up from working in corporate America, I invested in the food truck, I gave the guy my whole life savings. As we were driving home, things started going wrong with the food truck. My head gasket blew out on me. The transmission went out. Stick shift went out, Generators went out. A friend of mine put it on social media and then people started coming.”

- Gregoire Tillery, founder of We Dat’s Chicken and Shrimp, the only African-American owned business on Canal Street.

Interview with the owner Gregoire here

And I’m supposed to sit here and do what? Wait for you? Beg for you to come back again? Act like the reality of us isn’t that we won’t ever work together? You admitted it for yourself when you brought yourself to say the words. I’m not the girl for you and I only hurt you so if I’m such a crappy person then why won’t you just leave me alone? If you hate me so much, then why try to be around me all the time? Just go already.
—  🖤
Don’t let them get to you. They expect you to fail. They think you’ll never amount to much. They’ve always had you down as just ‘slightly above average’. Prove them wrong. Make them see how much they’ve underestimated you. Prove them wrong.
—  Growing Up - untoldxstories8921
What Huniepop taught me about dating:
  • *sits down on a date* Where the fuck is your grid?
  • “Do you prefer flirtation or sexuality?”
  • “EAT THIS WHOLE FUCKING WEDDING CAKE NOW TELL ME HOW TALL YOU ARE”
  • *gives girl earrings to rejuvenate moves* “Okay give those back I need them when I try to fuck your professor later.”
  • “Fuck these birds, am I right?” is a perfectly acceptable pick-up line.
  • Listening to the weird fairy girl that may or may not be a figment of your imagination will totally get you laid.

THERE IS NO WORLD IN WHICH RESCUING THIS FROM THE DEPTHS OF FLASH SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO DIFFICULT AND IT STILL HAS A WEIRD BORDER BUT I LITERALLY CANNOT LISTEN TO IT ONE MORE TIME SO HERE

HAVE THIS PIECE OF GLORY IN A HALFWAY MODERN VIDEO FORMAT

YOU’RE WELCOME @timesvigilante *COLLAPSES*

Sometimes I have days where everything seems to go wrong in every area of my life all at once and all I want to do is cry. I don’t know if it’s from frustration or anger or just every imaginable emotion I keep bottled up inside trying to express itself all at once… but whatever it is, that urge to break down in tears is overwhelming.
I never do… at least, not at the time and certainly not in front of anybody else because I know I can’t. I have too much riding on me… there’s too many people that rely on me and not enough time for the luxury of a breakdown. But I would do anything to be allowed to fall apart just once and have somebody else pick up the pieces.
But that’s not who I am. I’m the strong one. I’m the one who supports everyone else and fights to keep everything together.
I’m the kind of person who cries and pretends they don’t. I act like I’m invincible when in reality I cry alone in my car, in bathrooms and when other people fall asleep. I’m the one who pulls myself together every time when in reality… I’m falling apart inside and would give just about anything for somebody to hold me together…
—  Ranata Suzuki | Falling apart inside
  • Maui: the ocean says you're a nerd
  • Moana: I'm not surprised