my life as a thespian

Unspoken Rules Of Standing In The Wings:

1) shut the fuck up
2) stop touching my damn prop
3) if you can see the audience then the audience can see you 4) just don’t touch anything
5)Get out of the way oh my GOD
6)“I hope you say Macbeth I swear I hope you do”

Frightened for Forever

When I first began to develop feelings for you it frightened me. I had been alone, working on developing myself without someone, for four years now and the idea of truly falling, not just a fantasy or a fling like I’d entertained throughout the years, for someone was paralyzing. Especially because I was falling for you. You’d become a staple in my life as a friend and a fellow artist, a writer and a thespian that I could relate to and rely on for honest criticism and companionship. The first time I found myself wishing you would kiss me, it felt like a betrayal to that.

I remember when reading Rainbow Rowell’s Eleanor and Park, how much I related to Eleanor and her resistance to falling in love with Park. I related to her in a lot of other ways too– being raised in a low income, abusive family, being awkward and moderately disliked in school settings, being uncomfortable with my body, moving often and learning not to develop deep roots. But her resistance to be vulnerable with Park, the one person that could see beyond the stigmas clouding her aurora, the one person that could and would love her, it was a feeling I’d rarely seen in young adult fiction before. It resonated with me, deeply and in a way that scared me. I didn’t want to admit I was so damaged, so lost. 

Our first date was awkward and strange and I blame myself partially for that. I’d says on a whim after allowing my sister be the messenger of my feelings to you. I still laugh about when I told her I had wanted you to kiss me and she gaped at me like I was insane. Megan, Why didn’t you tell me this a week ago? I told Jesse you didn’t like him and now you do?!

You’d had such a grand plan for that first date– marathoning House of Cards while getting drunk on red wine and going out to dinner at some point. The wine part fell through and I’d been too nervous to stay long enough for us to go to dinner, so you held me uncomfortably in an armchair as we watched the TV show in your dark bedroom, basically like every other hangout we’d had before.

However, there were several slight differences… like when you said before we started the first episode, oh hold on, I have something to do real quick and kissed me without warning… and the stunted conversation before I left where I said I didn’t think I could do this and you claimed you agreed…

But I could see the disappointment on your face, I knew it was a lie.

I think when you you gave me the journal that night, my going away gift before my departure for Japan that summer, I think that’s when I began to accept that I was going to fall in love with you.

I don’t like you, Park…

I remember the text you sent me, I was shopping in one of the warehouse malls in Hakodate, wandering alone and separate from my class out of a need of isolation. I was trying on a dress when my phone went off with your name lighting up my screen.

You told me that you’d realized I was one of the few people who would be in your life forever. I felt tears prick my eyes because I’d realized what a mistake I’d made. I texted back, I feel the same. 

I… think I live for you.

That weekend I invited you over to my apartment after a moment of impulsive prompted by jealousy of the boys you were going on dates with and an embracing of vulnerability, I had resolved myself to sleeping with you. I’d convinced myself that if we hooked up and maybe engaged in small flirtation, little commitment, I could get over this pang in my gut I was feeling over rejecting you.

Then I opened the door and saw your face, your button up and your skinny tie, your smirk and playful eyes, and I knew that I was going to give over far more than just a few one night stands. 

I don’t think I even breathe when we’re not together. Which means, when I see you on Monday morning, it’s been like sixty hours since I’ve taken a breath.

That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t resistant however. I didn’t want to admit how badly I wanted you, how happy I was that we were doing this despite it being unlike any relationship I’d tried before. The freedom to pursue other partners scared me, but at the same time I saw it as a way to control myself from falling too hard too fast… from giving too much of myself to you.

But all that openness did was pull us closer, closer than even you anticipated us being. 

That’s probably why I’m so crabby, and why I snap at you.

I laugh at how even after dating for a few weeks and you came to visit for the second time, I still tried to control myself, tried to seem like I wasn’t panicking, wasn’t overwhelmed with my feelings for you.

Then you told me what I’d never heard before: I don’t know is still an answer. It’s ok not to know.

I dove all in after that, letting you see me in a state more vulnerable that I’d trusted with anyone else before. I still think about how you made my body shake and my hands go numb.

All I do when we’re apart is think about you, and all I do when we’re together is panic.

Like Park did for Eleanor, you showed me how to love in a way that I’d never known I was capable of, that I’d ever known I was able to express. You helped me find parts of myself that I hadn’t yet identified– my love for polyamory, my discomfort in being boxed in a binary gender, my worth in finding recovery, in allowing my wounds to finally heal. 

What are the chances you’d ever meet someone like that? Someone you could love forever, someone who would forever love you back?

We said to each other that we knew, somehow, we’d be in each other’s lives forever. Now I know in what capacity that is. 

It’s incredible, it’s overwhelming, it’s terrifying. 

At times, it’s unbelievable, that I could be so lucky to love someone like you.

And because I’m so out of control, I can’t help myself. I’m not even mine anymore, I’m yours…

When I first began to develop feelings for you it frightened me. It still frightens me. Something as precious as this is just as fragile, and I’m always a little scared that we’ll break. 

…and what if you decide that you don’t want me? How could you want me like I want you?

But you’ve given me a capacity to trust that I’ve never had before. I use it everyday on you, on us. 

Because I know we’re forever. 

And I know you know too.