my left testicle

TIFU by ignoring testicle pain

So this happened a few days ago. 

I had just gotten home from work (I work from 9-3) and I decided to take a nap for a few hours before I had to make dinner. As I was starting to fall asleep I rolled over and then felt a weird pain in my left testicle. It didn’t feel like it had been hit, but rather like it was being squeezed. I assumed I was laying on it or something and rolled again, but the pain stayed. I wanted nothing more than to sleep and I knew if I had laid on it the pain wouldn’t just go away instantly, so I tried my best to ignore it and managed to fall asleep. This would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

I woke up 2 hours later and I felt like my dick and I felt a pain greater than anything that I’ve ever felt. My left testicle felt like it had been attacked by a cobra, and was having it’s life slowly squeezed from it. I knew right then something was wrong, I’ve been hit in the balls before, but this is something else. I reached down to feel it and the whole thing just felt weird. My parents weren’t home (I’m 17) and there was no way I’d be able to drive myself to the hospital, so I had to call my neighbor who rushed me there. The pain was just getting greater as time passed to the point where I threw up out her car window at one point.

The first thing they did when I got there was give me some morphine. This helped me a little, and I was able to stay still long enough for them to do an ultrasound. While they were comparing my balls, the doctor told me that I was most likely dealing with testicular torsion. For those of you who have only heard of that from Cards Against Humanity but have no idea what it actually is, basically it’s when the spermatic cord twists, and cuts off the blood flow to the testicle. If it isn’t treated soon enough, the testicle could die and have to be amputated. The doctor gave me a lot of crap for going back to sleep instead of taking the pain seriously, because I was really cutting it close time wise and they weren’t completely sure if they were going to be able to save it.

I learned that the way to fix it would be to perform a surgery where they cut open the scrotum and manually untwist the cord. They put me under, and I went to sleep praying that they would be able to save my testicle.

They couldn’t.

Today’s the first time I haven’t been heavily medicated since the surgery, and I want to use this TIFU as a PSA. If you think something might be wrong with your balls, TREAT IT LIKE IT’S SERIOUS. I already have a low sperm count, and the doctor told me it’s very unlikely that I’ll be able to have kids now that I can only produce half as much. Please guys, take care of your testicles.

TL;DR: Decided sleep was more important than my balls, lost half of the Juice Crew

honestly, those whole rumblings of organized crime involvement in konami’s downfall are outlandish (stranger things have happened, but outlandish nonetheless), but at the same time, i think it’s really telling that konami has made such a string of aggressively bad decisions that the theory has gained traction

like, how badly do you have to fuck up before people start seriously considering the possibility that your company is a front for yakuza money laundering

whatever’s going on, i would give my left testicle for a comprehensive book detailing it, because yakuza or no yakuza, i’m certain it’s one hell of a story