my kids will be hooked on books

best musical quotes with no context

- “the funk of moral fiber rotting”

- “for a clitoris is holy amongst all things, said he”

- “driving mad at twelve miles an hour”

- “i have maggots in my scrotum”

- “southern motherfucking democratic republicans”

- “she was the happiest corpse i’d ever seen”

- “he ran into my knife ten times!”

- “rising on a sea of marshmallow foam”

- “on the lake there was a boat, and in the boat there was a man”

- “it’s not like i’m a healthy person”

- “how do you get this gold shit off?”

- “imagine a world with no children, close your eyes and just dream”

- “four jews in a room bitching”

- “bobby maler he’s the best, looks so nasty in those khakis”

- “you’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise”

- “i’m fucking the fucking president, oh yeah”

- “i got carried away, and not just by balloon”

- “if i stop smoking crack”

- “don’t use a toaster while standin’ in the shower”

- “she got them heebies and jeebies from moonshine and cheap wine and reefer and candy cane”

- “you’ll have kids and they’ll hate you too”

- “a potpourri of contradiction”

- “this is called an aneurysm hook!”

- “please reward our pluck and save this duck”

Disney/Pix​ar Cars McQueen: OK… Here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. McQueen: One winner. 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast. McQueen: Breakfast. Wait, maybe I should have had breakfast. A little breck-y could be good for me. No,no,no, stay focused. Speed. McQueen: I’m faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I am Lightning! Mack: (knock-kno​ck)Hey Lightning, are you ready? McQueen: Oh, yeah. Lightning'​s ready. Song McQueen: Ka-chow! Song Seller: Get your antenna here! Fans: You got that right, Slick. Bob Cutlass: Welcome back to the Dinoco 400. I’m Bob Cutlass, here with my good friend, Darrel Cartrip. We’re midway through what may turn out to be a historic day for racing. Darrel Cartrip: Bob, my oil pressure’s through the roof right now. If this gets more exciting, they’re gonna have to tow me outta the booth! Bob Cutlass: Right you are, Darrell. Three cars are tied for the season points lead, heading into the final race of the season. And the winner of this race Darrell, will win the season title and, the Piston Cup. Does The King, Strip Weathers, have one more victory in him before retirement​? Darrell: He’s been Dinoco’s golden boy for years! Can he win them one last Piston Cup? Bob: And, as always, in the second place spot we find Chick Hicks. He’s been chasing that tailfin his entire career. Darrell: Chick thought this was his year, Bob. His chance to finally emerge from The King’s shadow. But the last thing he expected was…Ligh​tning McQueen! Bob: You know, I don’t think anybody expected this. The rookie sensation come into the season unknown. But everyone knows him now. Darrell: Will he be the first rookie to win a Piston Cup and land Dinoco? Bob: The legend, the runner up, and the rookie! Three cars, one champion! Song Chick: No you don’t. Fans: Oohh. What a ride! Chick: Hahaha Fans: Go get'em, McQueen! Go get'em! Fans: We love you, Lightning! Chick: Dinoco is all mine. Race car: Ahhhh! Darrell: Trouble, turn three! Chick: Haha. Get through that, Mcqueen. Bob: Ouw.. A huge crash behind the leaders! Fans: Wahh!! Bob: Wait a second, Darrell. McQueen is in the wreckage. Darrell: There’s no way the rookie can make it through! Not in one piece that is. Mia & Tia: Lightning, ahhh. Darrell: Look at that, McQueen made it through! Bob: Man, a spectacula​r move by Lightning McQueen. McQueen: Yeah! Ka-chow! Fans: McQueen (7X) Fan: Yeah McQueen! Ka-chow! Bob: While everyone else heads into the pits, McQueen stays out to take the lead! Broken car: Don’t take me out coach. I can still race! Chick: Haha. What do you think boys? A thing of beauty. Chick’s coach: McQueen made it through! Chick: What? Chick’s coach: He’s not pitting! Chick: Come on! Get me out there! Let’s go! Get me back out there! Come on! Bob: McQueen’s not going into the pits! Darrell: You know the rookie just fired his crew chief. That’s the third one this season! Bob: Well he says he likes working alone Darrell. Chick’s coach: Go, go, go! Bob: Looks like Chick got caught up in the pits. Darrell: Yeah, after a stop like that, he’s got a lot of ground to make up.Get ready boys, we’re coming to the restart! Chick: Come on, come on, come on! McQueen’s crew: We need tires now! Come on, let’s go! McQueen: No,no,no,n​o! No tires, just gas! McQueen’s crew: What! You need tires, you idiot! Darrell: Looks like it’s all gas-and-go​’s for McQueen today. Bob: That’s right. No tires again. Darrell: Normally I said a short-term gain, long-term loss, but it’s sure is workin’ for him. He obviously knows somethin’ we don’t know. Bob: This is it Darrell, one lap to go and Lightning McQueen has a huge lead. Darrell: All he’s got it in the bag. Call in the dogs and put out the fire! We’re gonna crown us a new champion! McQueen: Checkered flag, here I come! Darrell: Oh, no! McQueen has blown a tire! Bob: And with only one turn to go! Can he make it? McQueen’s crew: You fool! The King’s Coach: McQueen’s blown a tire!, McQueen’s blown a tire! Go,go,go! Darrell: He lost another tire! The King and Chick are coming up fast! Bob: They’re entering turn three! McQueen: Come on. Darrell: I don’t belive what I’m watching, Bob! Darrell: Lightning McQueen is hundred feet from his Piston Cup! Bob: The King and Chick rounding turn four. Darrell: Down the stretch they come! And it’s, and it’s… Bob: It’s too close to call! Too close to call! Darrell: I don’t belive it! (2X) Mia & Tia: Lightning! Bob: The most spectacula​r, amazing unequivoca​lly, unbelievab​le ending in the history of the world! And we don’t even know who won! Darrell: Look at that! Security: Hey, no cameras! Get outta here! Kori Turbowitz: We’re here in Victory Lane, awaiting the race results. McQueen that was quite a risky move, not taking tires. McQueen crew: Tell me about it. Kori Turbowitz: Are you sorry you don’t have a crew chief out there? McQueen’s Crew: Hah! McQueen: Oh Kori. There’s a lot more to racing than just winning. I mean, taking the race by a full lap… Where’s the entertainm​ent in that? No no no… I wanted to give folks a little sizzle. McQueen’s crew: Sizzle? McQueen: Am I sorry I don’t have a crew chief? No, I’m not. Cause I’m a one-man show. McQueen crew: Whats? Oh, yeah right. Kori Turbowitz: That was a very confident Lightning McQueen. Coming to you live from Victory Lane, I’m Kori Turbowitz. Cameramen: Hey, get out of the shot! McQueen: Yo, Chuck, what are you doing? You’re blocking the camera. Everyone wants to see the bolt. McQuenn crew: What? McQueen: Now, back away. McQueen’s crew: Ahh! That’s it. Come on guys. McQueen: Whoa, team! Where are going? McQueen’s crew: We quit, Mr. One-Man Show! McQueen: Oh, OK, leave. Fine. Hahaha. How will I ever find anyone else who knows how to fill me up with gas? Adios Chuck! McQueen’s crew: And my name is not Chuck! McQueen: Oh, whatever. Chuck: Hey, Lightning! Yo! McQueen! Seriously, that was some pretty darn nice racin’ out there. By me! Hahaha! Chick’s crew: Zinger Chick: Welcome to the Chick era, baby! The Piston Cup… It’s mine dude. It’s mine. Hey fellas, how do you think I’m look in Dinoco blue? Dinoco blue! Hahaha! McQueen: In your dreams Thunder. Chick: Yeah, right. Thunder? What’s he talkin’ about, “Thunder”? McQueen: You know, cause’ thunder always comes after lightning. Pew, Kaka-phow! Chick: Who here knew about the thunder thing? Chick’s crew: I didn’t. Cameramen: Give us the bolt! Cameramen: That’s right. Cameramen: Right in the lens. Cameramen: Show me the bolt, baby! Cameramen: Smile, McQueen! Cameramen: Show me the bolt, McQueen! Cameramen: That’s it! Tex: Ohh we, that was one close finish. You sure made Dinoco proud. Thank you, King. The King: Well, Tex, you’ve been good to me all these years. It’s the least I could do. Dear: Whatever happens, you’re winner to me, you old daddy rabbit. The King: Thanks, dear. We wouldn’t be nothing without you. Mia: I’m Mia. Tia: I’m Tia. Mia & Tia: We’re like your biggest fans! Ka-chow! McQueen: I love being me. Security: OK, girls, that’s it. Mia & Tia: We love you, Lightning! Some guys far away: We love you more!! The King: Hey, buddy. You’re one gutsy racer. McQueen: Oh, hey, Mr. The King. The King: You got more talent in one lug nut than a lot of cars has got in their whole body. McQueen: Really? Oh, that… The King: But you’re stupid. McQueen: Excuse me? The King: This ain’t a one-man deal, kid. You need to wise-up and get you self a good crew chief and a good team. And you ain’t gonna win unless you got good folks behind you, and you let them do their job, like they should. Like I tell the boys at the shop… McQueen: A good team. Yeahhh. Dreaming Song. Mia & Tia: Oh, McQueen. The King: If you figure that out, you just gonna be OK. McQueen: Oh, yeah, that.. That is spectacula​r advice. Thank you Mr. The King. Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Piston Cup history… McQueen: A rookie has won the Piston Cup. Yes!! Speaker: We have a three-way tie. Chick: Oh, ho. Hey, McQueen, that must be really embarrassi​ng. But I wouldn’t be worry about it. Because I didn’t do it! Hahaha! Speaker: Piston Cup officials have determined that a tiebreaker race between the three leaders will be held in California in one week. Chick: Well, thank you! Thanks to all of you out there! Thank you! Hey, rook, first one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. Ahh! No, not me! No, you rock, and you know that! Balloon: Oh, yeah! Woaah!! McQueen: First one to California gets Dinoco all to himself. Ohh, we’ll see who gets there first, Chick. Huh? Mack: Hey, kid! Congrats on the tie. McQueen: I don’t want to talk about it. Come on, let’s go, Mack. Saddle up. What’d you do with my trailer? Mack: I parked it at your sponsor’s tent. McQueen: What? Mack: You gotta make your personal appearance​. McQueen: No. No! No,no,no,n​o! McQueen: Yes, yes, yes! Lightning McQueen here. And I use Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment, new rear end formula! Nothing soothes rusty bumper like Rust-eze. McQueen: Wow! Look at that shine! Use Rust-eze and you too can look like me! Ka-chow! Rust-eze Car: Hahaha. I met this car from Swampscott​. He was so rusty he didn’t even cast a shadow. Rust-eze Van: You could see his dirty undercarri​age. Hahaha. McQueen: Uahh! I hate rusty cars. This is not good for my image. Mack: They did give you your big break. Besides, it’s in your contract. McQueen: Oh, will you stop please? Just go get hooked up. Rust-eze Van: Winter is a grand old time. Rust-eze Car: Of this there are no ifs or buts. Rust-eze Van: But remember, all that salt and grime… Rust-eze Car: Can rust your bolts and freeze your… Rust-eze Van: Hey look! There he is! Our almost champ! Victory ran to your rear end in here, kid. Fan: Lightning McQueen, you are wicked fast! Fan: That race was a pisser! Fan: You were booking McQueen! McQueen: Give me a little room guys. Fred: You’re my hero Mr.McQueen​. McQueen: Yes, I know. Fred, Fred, thank you. Fred: He knows my name. He knows my name! Rust-eze Van: Looking good, Freddie! Rust-eze Car: Thanks to you Lightning, we had a banner year! Rust-eze Van: We might clear enough to buy you some headlights​. Rust-eze Car: Are you saying he doesn’t have headlights​? Rust-eze Van: That’s what I’m telling ya. It’s just stickers! McQueen: Well, you know, racecars don’t need headlights​, because the track is always lit. Rust-eze Car: Yeah, well,so is my brother, but he still needs headlights​. Hahaha McQueen: Hahaha! Ha!! Hahaha!! Rust-eze Car: Ladies and gentlemen, Lightning McQueen! Fans: Free Bird! McQueen: You know, the Rust-eze Medicated Bumper Ointment team ran a great race today. And remember, with a little Rust-eze..​.And an insane amount of luck, you too can look like me. Ka-chow. Rust-eze Car: Hey, kid. Rust-eze Van: We love ya. And we’re looking forward to another great year. Just like this year. Hahaha. McQueen: Not on your life. Rust-eze Car: Don’t drive like my brother! Rust-eze Van: Oh Yeah, don’t drive like my brother! Mack: California​, here we come! McQueen: Dinoco, here we come! Song McQueen: I needed this. Hello? Harv: Is this Lightning McQueen, the world’s fastest racing machine? McQueen: Is this Harv, the world’s greatest agent? Harv: And it is such a honor to be your agent and it almost hurts to take ten percent of your winnings and merchandis​ing. And ancillary rights in perpetuity​. Anyway, what a race! Hot champ! I didn’t see it, but I heard you were great. McQueen: Thanks, Harv. Harv: Listen, they’re giving you 20 tickets for the tiebreaker thing in Cali. I’ll pass ‘em on to your friends. You shoot me the names. You let Harv rock it for you. All right, baby? McQueen: Right. Friends. Yes, there’s a… Harv: OK, I get it, Mr.Popular​. So many friends you can’t even narrow it down. Hey, when you get to town, you better make time for your best friend! You gotta break bread with your mishpoache​h here! McQueen: Yeah, yeah, that’d be great! We should totally… Harv: Ok, I gotta jump, kid. Let me know how it goes. I’m out. McQueen: What? A minivan? Oh, come on Mack, you’re in the slow lane. This is Lightning McQueen you’re hauling here. Mack: Just stopping off for a quick breather, kid. Old Mack needs a rest. McQueen: Absolutely not. McQueen: We’re driving straight to all night till we get to California​. We agreed to it. Mack: All night? May I remind you, federal DOT regs state… McQueen: Come on, I need to get there before Chick get hang with Dinoco. Mack: Ahh, all those sleeping trucks. Hey kid, I don’t know if I can make it. McQueen: Oh, sure you can, Mack. Look, it’ll be easy. I’ll stay up with you. Mack: All night? McQueen: All night long. McQueen: Zzzzz… DJ Song Snot Rod: Ah, ahh, achowww! Wingo: Hahaha! Boost: Hey, yo, DJ. DJ: What up? Boost: We got ourselves a nodder. DJ: Hahaha. Mack: Pretty music. Boost: Yo, Wingo! Lane change, man. Wingo: Right back at ya! Hahaha. Snot Rod: Yeah! Boost: Oops! I missed. Snot Rod: You going on vacation? Tuner team: Hahaha. Boost: Oh, no, Snot Rod… Wingo: He’s gonna blow! Snot Rod: Ahh…ahhh​…ahhh…​achoowww!!​! Mack: Gesundheit​! Hoho. One should never drive while drowsy. McQueen: MACK! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Hey,Mack! Mack! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack,wait for me! McQueen: Mack! McQueen: Mack! Mack! McQueen: Mack! Mack… McQueen:..​.wait up! Mack. McQueen: Mack! Mack! McQueen: What?You'r​e not Mack. Peterbilt: Mack?I ain’t no Mack!I’m a Peterbilt, for dang sake! Peterbilt: Turn on your lights, you moron! McQueen: Mack… The Interstate​! Sheriff: Ahh!. Not in my town, you don’t. McQueen: Oh, no…Oh, maybe he can help me! He’s shooting at me! Why is he shooting at me! Sheriff: I haven’t gone this fast in years. I’m gonna blow a gasket or somethin’. McQueen: Serpentine​! Serpentine​, serpentine​! Sheriff: What in the blue blazes? Crazy hot rodder. Filmore: I’m telling you, man, every third blink is slower. Sarge: The sixties weren’t good for you, were they? McQueen: What? That’s not the Interstate​! Ahh ho, Auw, auw,auw! Ahhhh! No, no, no, no! Filmore: I’m not the only seeing this, right? Sarge: Incoming! Filmore: Whoa man. Sarge: No! Ramone: Hey, you scratch my paint! McQueen: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Luigi: My tires! McQueen: Phoah! Red: Huh! McQueen: Uargh! Red: Huh! Filmore: Fly away, Stanley. Be free! Sheriff: Boy, you’re in a heap of trouble. Kori Turbowitz: We’re live at the Los Angeles Internatio​nal Speedway as the first competitor​, Lightning McQueen, is arriving at the track. Cameramen: Is it true he’s gonna pose for Cargirl? Cameramen: Lightning, what’s your strategy? Woahh! Mack: What? Did I forget to wipe my mud flaps? News: McQueen’s driver arrived in California​, but McQueen was missing. News: Racecar Lightning McQueen was reported missing. News: He scheduled to race an unpreceden​ted… News: Sponsor stated they have no idea where he is. Junior: I hope Lightning'​s OK. I sure hate to see anything bad happen to him. Jay Limo: I don’t know what’s harder to find, Lightning McQueen or a crew chief who’ll work for him! Hummer: Lightning McQueen must be found at all costs! News: They’re all asking the same question: Where is McQueen? McQueen: Oh, boy. Where am I? Mater: Mornin’, sleepin’ beauty! McQueen: Ahhhhh!! Mater: Hahaha! Boy, I was wonderin’ when you was gonna wake up. McQueen: Take whatever you want! Just don’t hurt me! a parking boot? Why do I have a parking boot on? What’s going on here? Please! Mater: You’re funny. I like you already. My name’s Mater. McQueen: Mater. Mater: Yeah, like “tuh-mater​”, but without the “tuh”. What’s your name? McQueen: You don’t know my name? Mater: Uhh, no, I know your name. Is your name Mater too? McQueen: What? Look, I need to get to California as fast as possible. Where am I? Mater: Where are you? Shoot! You’re in Radiator Springs. The cutest little town in Carburetor County. McQueen: Oh, great. Just great! Mater: Well, if you think that’s great, you should see the rest of the town. McQueen: You know, I’d love to see the rest of the town! So if you could just open the gate, take this boot off, you and me, we go cruisin’, check out the local scene… Mater: Dad-gum! McQueen: How’d that be, Tuh-Mater? Mater: Cool Sheriff: Mater! What did I tell you about talkin’ to the accused? Mater: To not to. Sheriff: Well, quit yer yappin’ and tow this delinquent road hazard to traffic court. Mater: Well, we’ll talk later, Mater. Haha. “Later, Mater.” That’s funny! Sheriff: The Radiator Springs Traffic Court will come to order! Ramone: Hey, you scratched my paint! I ought take a blowtorch to you, man! Luigi: You broke-a the road! You a very bad car! Fillmore: Fascist! Commie! McQueen: Officer, talk to me, babe. How long is this gonna take? I gotta get to California​, pronto. Sheriff: Where’s your lawyer? McQueen: Tuh, I don’t know. Tahiti maybe. He’s got a timeshare there. Sheriff: When a defendant has no lawyer, the court will assign one to him. Hey! Anyone want to be his lawyer? Mater: Shoot, I’ll do it, Sheriff! Sheriff: All rise! The Honorable Doc Hudson presiding. Luigi: Show-off. Sheriff: May Doc have mercy on your soul. Doc Hudson: All right, I wanna know who’s responsibl​e for wreckin’ my town, Sheriff. I wanna his hood on a platter! I’m gonna put him in jail till he rots! No, check that. I’m gonna put him in jail till the jail rots on top of him, and then I’m gonna move him to a new jail and let that jail rot. I’m… Throw him out of here, Sheriff. I want him out of my courtroom. I want him out of our town! Case dismissed. McQueen: Yes! Mater: Boy, I’m purty good at this lawyerin’ stuff. Sally: Sorry I’m late, Your Honor! McQueen: Holy Porsche! She’s gotta be from my attorney’s office. Hey, thanks for comin’, we’re all set. He’s letting me go. Sally: He’s letting you go? McQueen: Yeah, your job’s pretty easy today. All you have to do now is stand there and let me look at you. Listen, I’m gonna cut to the chase. Me, you, dinner. Ka-chow! Sally: What the…? Auww! Please! McQueen: I know, I get that reaction a lot. I create feelings in others that they themselves don’t understand​. Sally: Ohhh, auww! McQueen: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I scare you? Mater: Well, a little bit, but I’ll be alright. Sally: OK. I’m gonna go talk to the judge. McQueen: Do what you gotta do, baby. Oh, but listen. Be careful. Folks around here are not firing on all cylinders, if you know what I mean. Mater: Ka-ching! Auww! Sally: I’ll keep that in mind. Hey there, Mater. Mater: Howdy, Sally. Sally: Hi, folks! Folks: Good morning! Sally. McQueen: You know her? Mater: She’s the town attorney and my fiancee. McQueen: What? Mater: Nah, I’m just kiddin’. She just like me for my body. Sally: Doc, you look great this morning. Did you do something different with your side view mirrors? Doc: What do you want, Sally? Sally: Ah, come on, make this guy fix the road. The town needs this. Doc: No. I know his type. Racecar. That’s the last thing this town needs. Sally: OK, I didn’t want to have to do this, Doc, but you leave me no choice. Fellow citizens, you’re all aware of our town’s proud history. Doc: Here she goes again. Sally: Radiator Springs, the glorious jewel strung on the necklage of Route 66, the mother road! It is our job and our pleasure to take care of the travelers on our stretch of that road. Sarge: Travelers? What travelers? Filmore: Ignore him. Sally: But how, I ask you, are we to care for those travelers if there is no road for them to drive on? Luigi, what do you have at your store? Luigi: Tires Sally: And if no one can get to you? Luigi: I won’t sell any…tire​s. I will lose everything​! Ohho. Sally: Flo, what do you have at your store? Flo: I have gas. Lotsa gas! Sally: OK boys, stay with me. And, and, Flo, what’ll happen if no one can come to your station to buy gas? Flo: I’ll go outta business and… we’ll have to leave town. Sally: And what’s gonna happen to all of us if Flo leaves town and closes her station? Folks: Without gas, we’re done for! Lizzie: What? Sally: So, don’t you think the car responsibl​e should fix our road? Lizzie: The only guy strong enough to fix that road is Big Al! Ramone: Lizzie, the guy left, like, 15 years ago. Lizzie: Then why are you bringing him up, you lemon? Sally: Oh, he can do it. He’s got the horsepower​. So, what do you want him to do? Folks: Fix the road! Sally: Because we are a town worth fixing! Folks: Yeah!!! Doc: Order in the court! Seems like my mind has been changed for me. Folks: Yeah!! McQueen: No! Filmore: Nice rulin’. McQueen: Ohh, I am so not take you to dinner. Sally: That’s OK, Stickers. You can take Bessie. Mater: Oh man, you got to work with Bessie! I’d give my left two lug nuts for somethin’ like that. McQueen: Bessie? Who’s Bessie? Doc: This here is Bessie, finest road-pavin​’ machine ever built. I’m hereby sentencing you to community service. You’re gonna fix the road under my supervisio​n. McQueen: What? This place is crazy! Mater: Hey, I know this may be a bad time right now, but tha, you owe me $32,000 in legal fees. McQueen: What? Doc: So we’re gonna hitch you up to sweet Bessie, and you’re gonna pull her nice. McQueen: You’re gotta be kidding me. Doc: You start there where the road begins, you finish down there where the road ends. Mater: Holy shoot! McQueen: Whoa, whoa, whoa! How long is this gonna take? Doc: Well, fella does it right, should take him about five days. McQueen: Five days? But I should be in California schmoozing Dinoco right now! Doc: Then if I were you, I’d quit yappin and start workin’! Hook him up, Mater. Mater: Okay-dokey​. McQueen: Freedom!! Mater: Maybe I should’ve-​a hooked him up to Bessie…a​nd then-a…t​hen took the boot off. McQueen: Wuuuhuuu! Goodbye, Radiator Springs, and goodbye, Bessie! California​, here I come! Yeah! Oh, fell that wind. Yes! No,no,no,n​o! Outta gas? How can I be outta gas? Sheriff: Hahaha. Boy, we ain’t as dumb as you think we are. McQueen: But,but,bu​t how did, how did…you.​..? Sally: We siphoned your gas while you were passed out. Ka-chow. McQueen: Auw,auw,au​w,auw,auww​w!! Sheriff: Hahaha. Sheriff: Gentlemen. Sarge: Sheriff. Filmore: Hai, Sheriff. Luigi: Why the tires are here? Guido: Sono sempre stati qui. Luigi: They were better well before. Guido: Stai sempre a parlare. Luigi: Guido! Lizzie: Red, can you move over? I want to get look at that sexy hot rod. Mater: You know, I used to be a purty good whistler. I can’t do it now of course, on account of sometimes I get fluid built up in my engine block, but Doc said he’s gonna fix it dough. He can fix about anything. That’s why we made him the judge. Boy, you shoulda heard me on Giddy-up, Oom Papa Mow Mow. Now, I’m not one to brag, but people come purty far to see me get low on the “Mow-Mow”. McQueen: Ah? Ah, man, that’s just great! Mater: Hey, what’s wrong? McQueen: My lucky sticker’s all dirty. Mater: Thaah, that ain’t nothin’. I’ll clean it for ya. McQueen: No,no,no! That wouldn’t be necessary. Hey! Hey, big fella! Yeah, you in the red! I could use a little hose down. Help me wash this off. What, where’s he goin’? Mater: Oh, he’s still a little bit shy, and he hates you for killin’ his flowers. McQueen: I shouldn’t have to put up with this. I’m a precision instrument of speed and aerodynami​cs. Mater: You hurt your what? McQueen: I’m a very famous racecar! Luigi: You are a famous racecar? A real racecar? McQueen: Yes, I’m a real racecar. What do you think? Look at me. Luigi: I have followed racing my entire life of my whole life! McQueen: Then you know who I am. I’m Lightning McQueen. Luigi: Lightening McQueen! McQueen: Yes! Yes! Luigi: I must scream it to the world! My excitement from the top of someplace very high! Do you know many Ferraris? McQueen: No,no,no. They race on the European circuit. I’m in the Piston Cup! What? Luigi: Luigi follow only the Ferraris. Flo: Is that what I think it is? Sally: Customers. Customers! Customers, everyone! Customers! OK. Lizzie: Customers? Sally: All right, everybody calm down for a long time. Just remember what we rehearsed. Make sure your “Open, please come in” signs are out. And you all know what to do. All right, nobody panics. Here we go! Minny: Van, I just don’t see any on-ramp anywhere. Van: Minny, I know exactly where we are. Minny: Yeah, we’re in the middle of nowhere. Van: Honey, please. Sally: Hello. Welcome to Radiator Springs, gateway to Ornament Valley. Legendary for it’s quality service and friendly hospitalit​y. How can we help you? Van: We don’t need anything, thank you very much. Minny: Whoa, honey ask her direction to the Interstate​. Van: There’s no need to ask for directions​. Minny, I know exactly where we’re going. Minny: He did the same thing on our trip to Shakopee. You know, we were headed over there for the Crazy Days, and we… Van: OK,OK. Really. We’re just peachy, OK? Filmore: What you really need is the sweet taste of my homemade, organic fuel. Van: No, it doesn’t agree with my tank. Minny: We’re just trying to find the Interstate​. Sarge: Good to see you, Soldier! Come on by Sarge’s Surplus Hut for all your government surplus needs. Minny: Ohh, honey, surplus! Van: I think we have too much surplus. Sally: I do have a map over the Cozy Cone Motel. And if you do stay, we offer a free Lincoln Continenta​l breakfast. Minny: Honey, she’s got a map. Van: I don’t need a map! I have the GPS. Never need a map again, thank you. Flo: How 'bout somethin’ to drink? Stop at Flo’s V8 Cafe. Finest fuel on Route 66. Van: No, we just top off. Luigi: And if you need tires, stop by Luigi’s Casa Della Tires, home of the Leaning Tower of Tires. Minny: We’re just trying to find the Interstate​. Ramone: But you do need a paint job man. Ramone will paint you up right. Hey, anything you want! You know, like a flame job. Minny: No, thanks… Ramone: Maybe ghost flames! You like old school pinstripin​’? Von Dutch style ha? Minny: Oh, honey, look. Von Dutch. Van: Oh, ho, OK, no. Ahahaha. We’re gonna be going now, OK? Auww! Lizzie: A little somethin’ to remember us by, OK? Van: Oh,ha,ha. OK! Sally: Come back soon, OK? I mean, you know where we are! Tell your friends! Van: HohohOK! Yes. You bet. Minny: Thanks again, folks. Bye-bye now. McQueen: Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey, hey,hey! I know how to get to the Interstate​! Minny: Oh, do ya? Van: Minny, no. McQueen: Yeah, yeah,yeah. No, not really. But listen. I’m Lightning McQueen, the famous racecar. I’m being held heren against my will. And I need you to call my team, so they can rescue me, and get me to California in time for me to win The Piston Cup. Do you understand​? McQueen: No,no,no,n​o,no. No, It’s the truth! I’m telling you! You gotta help me! Don’t leave me here! I’m in hillbilly hell! My IQ’s dropping by the second! I’m becoming one of them! Sally: OK, don’t worry. They know where we are now. They’re gonna tell their friends. You’ll see. Radio: And we’ll be back for our Hank Williams marathon..​. Sally: That’s good. Radio:…a​fter a Piston Cup update. Still no sign of Lightning McQueen. Meanwhile, Chick Hicks arrived in California and today became the first car to spend practice time on the track. Chick: Yeah, well it’s just nice to get out here before the other competitor​s. You know, get a headstart. Gives me an edge. Dreaming Song Chick: Yeah. Chick: Hey, McQueen… Eat your heart out. McQueen: Mater, let me get this straight. I can go when this road is done. That’s the deal, right? Mater: That’s what they done did said. McQueen: OK. Outta my way. I got a road to finish. Mater: He’s done! Doc: Done? Mater: Ahmhm. Doc: It’s only been an hour. McQueen: I’m done. Look, I’m finished. Just say thank you, and I’ll be on my way. That’s all I gotta say. Mater: Weehoo! I’m the first one on the new road! Ahho! It rides purty smooth. Sally: It looks awful! McQueen: Well, it matches the rest of the town. Sally: Ahh. Red: Umph, huhuhuh. Sally: Red. Who do you think you are? McQueen: Look, Doc said when I finish, I could go. That was the deal. Doc: The deal was you fix the road, not making it worse. Now, scrape it off! Start over again. McQueen: Hey, look, grandpa, I’m not a bulldozer. I’m a racecar. Doc: Hohoho. Is that right? Then why don’t we just have a little race? Me and you. Sally: What? McQueen: Hohoho. Me and you. Is that a joke? Doc: If you win, you go and I fix the road. If I win, you do the road my way. Sheriff: Doc, what’re you doin’? McQueen: Hahaha. I don’t mean to be rude here Doc, but you probably go zero to sixty in like what? Three-poin​t-five years? Doc: Then I reckon you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about. McQueen: You know what old timer? That’s a wonderful idea. Let’s race. Sheriff: Gentlemen, this will be a one-lap race. You will drive to Willy’s Butte, go around Willy’s Butte and come back. There will be no bumpin’, no cheatin’, no spittin’, no bittin’, no road rage, no maimin’, no oil slickin’, no pushin’, no shovin’, no backstabbi​n’, no road-hoggi​n’ and no lollygaggi​n’. McQueen: Speed. I’m speed. Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beemer. Luigi: OhHohohoo. My friend Guido, he dream to give a real racecar a pit stop. Guido: Pit stop. McQueen: Aa, haha. The race is only one lap, guys. Uno lappo! Don’t need any help. I work solo mio. Luigi: Fine. Race your way. McQueen: No pit stoppo. Comprendo? Guido: OK. Sheriff: Gentlemen. Start your engines! Ramone: Hijole! Check that out! Filmore: Whoa. Flo: Emm, emm. Sally: Great idea, Doc. Now the road will never get done. Sheriff: Luigi. Luigi: Hohoho. On your mark, get set. Uno for the money, due for the show, tre to get ready, and quattro to… I can’t belive it. Go!! Hahaha. Doc: Yehaa! Hahaha! Sally: Yeah. Luigi: Huh? Doc, the flag means go. Remember the flag. Here we go. Go. Ramone: Uhh, Doc, what are you doing, man? Doc: Oh, dear. It would seem I’m off to a poor start. Well, better late than never. Come on, Mater. Might need a little help. Mater: Ahh, OK. Doc: You got your tow cable? Mater: Well, yeah. I always got my tow cable. Why? Doc: Ohh, just in case. McQueen: Ahh,auw,au​w,auw,no,n​o,no,no,no​! Ramone: Oh, man! Auww!! Filmore: Whoa. Bad trip, man. Doc: Hey! Was that floatin’ like a Cadillac, or was that stingin’ like a Beemer? I’m confused. Mater: Eh,eh,eh. Doc: You drive like you fix roads. Lousy! Have fun fishin’, Mater McQueen: Ahhh! Mater: I’m startin’ to think he knowed you was gonna crash! McQueen: Thank you, Mater. Thank you. McQueen: I can make a little turn on dirt. You think? No. And now I’m a day behind. I’m never gonna get outta here! Ramone: Hey, ese! You need a new paint job, man! McQueen: No, thank you. Filmore: How 'bout some organic fuel? Sarge: That freak juice? McQueen: Pass. Flo: Whooh, watchin’ him workin’ is makin’ me thirsty. Anybody else want somethin’ to drink? Mater: Nah, not me, Flo. I’m on one of them there special diets. I’m a precisiona​l instrument of speed and aero-matic​s. McQueen: “You race like you fix roads.” I’ll show him. I will show him! McQueen: Great! I hate it! Hate, hate, hate, hate it!! Doc: Haha. Music. Sweet music. Sally: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. McQueen: Radiator Springs, a happy place. Bessie: Peckkk. McQueen: Whoa, OK, Bessie you think that funny? Great! I’m talking to Bessie now! I’m talkin to Bessie!! Mater: Hahaha. Sally: Wow. Mater: Mornin’, Sally! Hey, look at this here fancy new road that Lightnin’ McQueen done just made! Sally: Yes! Amazing! Ramone: Yeah! Flo: Ohh, Ramone, Mama ain’t seen you that low in years. Ramone: I haven’t seen a road like this in years. Flo: Well, then let’s cruise, baby. Ramone: Low and slow. Luigi: E Bellissima​! It’s beautiful! Guido, look, it’s a like it was paved by angels. Ohhh. Mater: Oh, I tell you what. I bet even the roads on the moon ain’t this smooth. Sally: Doc, look at this. Shoulda tossed him into the cactus a lot sooner, huh? Doc: Well, he ain’t finished yet. Still got a long way to go. Luigi: Guido, look at Luigi! Hahaha. This is fantastico​! Sally: That looks like fun! Mater, I got dibs, next turn! Lizzie: Hey, Luigi, this new road makes your place look like a dump. Luigi: Ahhh, that crazy old devil woman. Ohh, ohh. She’s right! Sally: Ohh, ahh! Luigi: Guido! Doc: That punk actually did a good jab. Well, now… where the hack is he? Doc: Sheriff! Is he makin’ another run for it? Sheriff: No,no. He ran outta asphalt in the middle of the night, asked me if he could come down here. All he’s tryin’ to do is make that there turn. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o! Ohh, great. Perfect turns on every track I’ve ever raced on. Doc: Sheriff, why don’t you go get yourself a quart of oil at Flo’s. Doc: I’ll keep an eye on him. Sheriff: Well, thanks, Doc. I’ve been feelin’ a quart low. McQueen: Ahhhhh! Phuahh, thahh! Doc: This ain’t asphalt, son. This is dirt. McQueen: Oh, great. What do you want? You hear to gloat? Doc: You don’t have three-whee​l brakes, so you got to pitch it hard, break it loose and then just drive it with the throttle. Give it too much, you’ll be outta the dirt and into the tulips. McQueen: So you’re a judge, a doctor and a racing expert. Doc: I’ll put it simple. If you goin’ hard enough left, you’ll find yourself turnin’ right. McQueen: Ooo, right. That makes perfect sense. Turn right to go left. Yes! Thank you! Or should I say,“No thank you”? Because in Opposite World, maybe that really means, “Thank you”! Tuh, crazy grandpa car. What an idiot! Doc: Ahhh. McQueen: Turn right to go left. Oh. Whoa, auwwww. Oh, that… AUUUUUWWWW​WW!!! McQueen: Turn right to go left. Guess what. I tried it. You know what? This crazy thing happened..​. I went right! Lizzie: You keep talkin’ to yourself, people’ll think you crazy. McQueen: Thanks for the tip. Lizzie: What? I wasn’t talkin’ to you. Sally: Oh, Guido, e bellissimo​! Guido: Che cosa? Sally: It looks great! This is great! Guido: Ti piace, eh? Si, si, bellissimo​. Mater: Ummmph. Oh, lord. Hehehe. Sheriff: Mater! I need you to watch the prisoner tonight. Mater: Well, dad-gum! Wait a minute, what if he tries to run again? Sheriff: Just let him run outta gas and tow him on back. But keep an eye on him. Mater: Yes, sir! McQueen: While I’m stuck here paving this stinkin’ road, Chick’s in California schmoozing Dinoco. My Dinoco. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who’s touching me? Luigi: You have a slow leak. Guido, he fix. You make a such a nice new road. You come to my shop. Luigi take a good care of you. Eventhough you not a Ferrari. You buy four tires, I give you a full size spare absolutely free! McQueen: Look, I get all my tires for free. Luigi: Hohoho.. I like your style, eh? You drive the hard bargain. OK. Luigi make you a new deal. You buy one tire, I give you three for free! Flo: Aaa… Would you look at that? Ramone, Ramone! Ramone: Hm,hm,hm. Luigi: Then Luigi make you a new deal McQueen: No,no,no,n​o. Deal me out. Pass. No, thank you. Luigi: No,no,no,n​o,no. This is it. My last offer. You buy one tire, I give you seven-a snow tire for all free! Done. You interested​, you call me. You know where I am. McQueen: Fuuuhhh. Ahhhh. Stop! Let me…Tuhh, puahh!! sally: Oh, Red, you missed a spot. See it right there? On the hood right there. McQueen: No, no! Noooo!! Stop, stop! That cold!! Help! Please! Stop! Sally: Thanks, Red. McQueen: What was that for? Sally: Do you want to stay at the Cozy Cone or what? McQueen: Huh? Sally: And if you do, you gotta be clean. 'Cause even here in hillibilly hell we have standards. McQueen: What,I…? I don’t get it. Sally: Nothing I just thought I’d say thank you for doin’ a great job. So I thought I’d let you stay with me. I mean, not with me! But there. Not with me there, but there in your own Cozy Cone. And I’d be in my cone, and it’s… McQueen: Wait. Wait, you’re being nice to me. Sally: I mean if you want to stay at the dirty impound, thats, thats fine. You know, I understand you criminal types. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o. That’s OK. Yeah, the Cozy Cone. Sally: Ehhh. It’s newly refurbishe​d McQueen: Haha. Yeah, it’s like a clever little twist the motel’s made out of caution cones, which, of course, cars usually try to avoid, now we’re gonna stay in them. Haha. That’s funny. Sally: Figure that all out on your own, did you? Cone number one, if you want. McQueen: Auuhhh. McQueen: Hey, do I spy a little pinstripin​g tattoo back there? Sally: Auuww. Haha. That’s just a… Ahhahaha. Auuww. You saw that? Yeah! Just gonna be going. Gonna…Ye​ah. Mater: You know, I once knew this girl Doreen. Good-looki​n’ girl. Looked just like a Jaguar, only she was a truck! You know, I used to crash into her, just so I could spoke to her. McQueen: What are you talking about? Mater: I don’t know. Hey, I know somethin’ we can do tonight, 'cause I’m in charge of watchin’ you! McQueen: No, Mater, I gotta finish this road, and I have to get out of here. Mater: Well, that’s all right, Mr. I Can’t Turn On Dirt. You probably couldn’t handle it anyway. McQueen: Whoa, whoa, easy now, Mater. You know who you’re talkin’ to? This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything. McQueen: Mater, I’m not doin’ this. Mater: Oh, come on, you’ll love it. Hehehe. Tractor-ti​ppin’s fun. McQueen: This is ridiculous​. Mater: All right, listen. When I say go, we go. But don’t let Frank catch ya. Go! McQueen: Whoa! Wait! Who, who’s Frank? Mater. Wait, Mater! Mater: OK, here’s what you do. You just sneak up in front of 'em, and then honk. And they do the rest. Watch this. Mater: Hahahaha. I swear, tractors is so dumb! I tell you what, buddy, you don’t get much better than this. McQueen: Yep, you’re livin’ the dream, Mater boy. Mater: I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there. Oh, you turn, bud. McQueen: Mater, I can’t. I don’t even have a horn. Mater: Baby. McQueen: I’m not a baby. Mater: Puuuck, puck, puck. McQueen: Fine. Stop! stop, OK? All right. I’ll do something. Mater & McQueen: Hahahahaha​!!! Mater: That’s Frank. McQueen: Ahhhh!! Mater: Run, hahaha , run!!! Mater: Run! He’s gonna get ya! Hahaha!! Sally: Customers! Mater: Tomorrow night we can go look for the ghostlight​! McQueen: I can’t wait, Mater. Mater: Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ ya! Oh, boy, you gotta admit that was funnn unn! McQueen: Oh, yeah…yea​h. Mater: Well, we better get you back to the impound lot. McQueen: You know, actually, Sally’s gonna let me stay at the motel. Mater: Aaaa… Gettin’ cozy at the Cone, is we? McQueen: Oh, come…No. No, are you kidding? Besides, she can’t stand me. And I don’t like her, to be honest. Mater: Yeah, you probably right. Hey, look, there’s Miss Sally! McQueen: Where, where? Mater: Hahaha. You’re in love with Miss Sally. McQueen: No, I’m not. Mater: Yes, you do. McQueen: No way. Mater: Way. McQueen: Come on, look Mater: You’re in love with Miss Sally(2X) McQueen: OK, that’s real mature Mater, real grown up. Mater: You love her (7X) McQueen: Wait…All right. OK. Mater, Mater, Mater, no. Will you stop that? Mater: Stop what? McQueen: That’s driving backwards stuff. It’s creeping me out. You’re gonna wreck on somethin’. Mater: Wreck? Shoot! I’m the world’s best backwards driver! You just watch this right here, lover boy. McQueen: What are you doing? Watch out! Look out! Mater? Mater! Mater! McQueen: Hey take it easy, Mater! Mater: Waaaaaaa! Ha,ha,ha! Hee,hee. McQueen: Hahaha. He’s nuts. Mater: No need to watch where I’m goin’. Just need to know where I’ve been. McQueen: Whoa, that was incredible​! How’d you do that? Mater: Rearview mirrors. We’ll get you some, and I’ll teach you if you want. McQueen: Yeah, maybe I’ll use it in my big race. Mater: What’s so important about this race of yours, anyway? McQueen: It’s not just a race. We’re talking about the Piston Cup! I’ve been dreaming about it my whole life! I’ll be the first rookie in history ever to win it. And when I do, we’re talkin’ big new sponsor, with private helicopter​s. No more medicated bumper ointment. No more rusty old cars. Mater: What’s wrong with rusty old cars? McQueen: Well, I don’t mean you, Mater. I mean other old cars. You know? Not like you. I like you. Mater: Nahhh, it’s OK, buddy. Hey, you think maybe one day I can get a ride in one of them helicopter​s? I mean, I’ve always wanted to ride in one of them fancy helicopter​s. McQueen: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Mater: You mean it? McQueen: Oh, yeah. Anything you say. Mater: I knew it. I knowed I made a good choice! McQueen: In what? Mater: My best friend. Mater: See you tomorrow, buddy! McQueen and Sally parked beneath a tree, K-I-S somethin'somethin’-​somethin’-​t!! McQueen: Hahaha! Whoa, whoa. Haha. McQueen: Number one. Number one…Ahhh​…Number one! McQueen: Ahh, this is nice. Sally: Hey, Stickers. McQueen & Sally: Huh!! Sally: I’m sorry. McQueen: Wohho!! You scared me. You gotta be careful. Sally: I scared myself scaring you scaring me. McQueen: I mean, I wasn’t like “scared” scared. Sally: No, of course not. Not. McQueen: I was more… Sally: Just I overheard you talkin’ to Mater. McQueen: When? Just, just now? What, what did, what did you hear? Sally: Oh, just something about a helicopter ride. McQueen: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got a kick out of that, didn’t he? Sally: Did you mean it? McQueen: What? Sally: That you’ll get him a ride. McQueen: Oh, who knows? I mean first things first. I gotta get outta here and make the race. Sally: Ah, hah. You know…Mat​er trusts you. McQueen: Yeah, OK. Sally: Did you mean that? McQueen: What? Sally: Was it just a “Yeah, OK”, or “Yeah…OK​” or"Yea-yea​h, OK" McQueen: Look, I’m exhausted. It’s kinda been a long day. Sally: Yeah, OK. G'night. McQueen: Oh ah. Hey, thank you. Sally: What did you just say? McQueen: You know, thanks for lettin’ me stay here. It’s nice to be out of the impund, and this is… It’s great. Newly refurbishe​d, right? Sally: Yeah. McQueen: Good night. Sally: Good night. Sally: Huhh. Sarge: Will you turn that disrespect​ful junk off? Filmore: Respect the classics, man. It’s Hendrix! McQueen: Ahh…huh.​..please..​.huh… Dreaming Song McQueen: No!! Frank: Uarghhh!! McQueen: Noooo!!! I gotta get outta here! McQueen: Hey, have you seen the Sheriff? Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh! Doc: Hey, what are you doin’? Sheriff: Get a good peak, city boy? McQueen: I,a..a..I just need my daily gas ration from the Sheriff. Doc: Wait for him at Flo’s. Now get outta here. McQueen: I’ve been trying to get outta here for three days! Sheriff: Hope you enjoyed the show! McQueen: Whoaho, Doc. Time to clean out the garage, buddy, come on. McQueen: What? He has a Piston Cup? McQueen: Oh, my gosh. Three Piston Cup? Doc: Sign says stay out. McQueen: You, you have three Piston Cups. How could you have… Doc: I knew you couldn’t drive. I didn’t know you couldn’t read. McQueen: You’re the Hudson Hornet! Doc: Wait over at Flo’s, like I told ya! McQueen: Of course. I can’t belive I didn’t see it before. You’re The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! You still to hold the record for most wins in single season. Oh, we gotta talk. You gotta show me your tricks. Please. Doc: I already tried that. McQueen: And you won the championsh​ip three times! Look at those trophies! Doc: You look. All I see is a bunch of empty cups. Filmore: You know, some automotive yoga could really lower your RPM’s, man. Sarge: Oh, take a car wash, hippie. Flo: Yeah, look at my husband, y'all. Hooo…Tha​t’s your color! Ramone: Yellow, baby. Hahaha. Flo: Mmm! You smokin’ hot! Sheriff: There he is! McQueen: Oh, my gosh! Did you know Doc is a famous racecar? Folks: Hahahaha! Sheriff: Doc? Our Doc? Sarge: Not Doc Hudson. McQueen: No,no,no,n​o, it’s true! He’s a real racing legend. He’s The Fabulous Hudson Hornet! Flo: Fabulous? I never seen Doc drive more than 20 miles an hour. I mean, have you ever seen him race? McQueen: No, but I wish I could have of. They say he was amazing! He wins three Piston Cups. Mater: Phooah!! He did what in his cup? Sheriff: I think the heat’s startin’ to get to the boy! Lizzie: Well, I’ll say! Look how red he is! Ramone: Yeah, I think he needs a new coat of poly, man. Mater: Are you sick, buddy? Sheriff: You are lookin’ a little peaked. Ramone: Yeah, he needs a new coat of poly for sure! Sheriff: Hey, hey! What are you doin’? Sally: It’s OK, Sheriff. You can trust me, right? Sheriff: I trust you, all right. It’s him I’m worried about. Sally: Mmm… I trust him. Come on, let’s take a drive. McQueen: A drive? Sally: Yeah, a drive. Don’t you big city racecars ever just take a drive? McQueen: Ahhh…No. No, we don’t. Sally: Hey, Stickers! Do you comin’ or what? Flo: Ahmm. And you thought he was gonna run. Ramone: Hey, can you believe it, man? He actually thought Doc was a famous racecar! Hahaha… That’s so too much!! McQueen: OK, you got me out here. Where are we goin’? Sally: I don’t know. McQueen: Whoa! Yes. Sally: Hahaha. McQueen: Whoa! Hahaha. Uahh!! Sally: Hahaha. McQueen: Thahhh! Sally: Ah.. hahaha! Sally: Ah.. hahaha! McQueen: Hahaha! Thuhhh!!Th​uhh!! McQueen: Wow! What is this place? Sally: Wheel Well. Used to be the most popular stop on the mother road. McQueen: This place? Sally: Yeah, imagine…​Oh, imagine what it must have been like to stay here. McQueen: You know, I don’t get you. How does a Porsche wind up in a place like this? Sally: Well, it’s really pretty simple. I was…an attorney in LA livin’ life in the fast lane, and. McQueen: Oh, you were, were you? Were you rich? Sally: What? McQueen: Just…clu​es to the puzzle. Sally: Yeah, OK. Well, that was my life. And you know what? It never felt…hap​py. McQueen: Yeah. I mean…rea​lly? Sally: Yeah. So I left California​. Just drove and drove and finally broke down right here. Doc fixed me up, Flo took me in. Well, they all did. And I never left. McQueen: Yeah. You know, I understand​. You need a little R & R. Recharge and old batteries. But you know, after a while, why didn’t you go back? Sally: I fell in love. McQueen: Ohh. Sally: Yep. McQueen: Corvette? Sally: No. Sally: I fell in love with this. McQueen: Whoa. Look at that. Look, they’re drivin’ right by. They don’t even know what they’re missing! Sally: Well, it didn’t used to be that way. McQueen: Oh, yeah? Sally: Yeah. Forty years ago, that Interstate down there didn’t exist. McQueen: Really? sally: Yeah. Back then, cars came across the country a whole different way. McQueen: How do you mean? Sally: Well, the road didn’t cut through land like that Interstate​. It moved with the land, you know? It rose, it fell, it curved. Folk: Mornin’! Folk: Nice day, huh? Sally: Cars didn’t drive on it to make a great time. They drove on it to have a great time. Song McQueen: Well, what happened? Sally: The town got bypassed just to save ten minutes of driving. Song McQueen: How great would it have been to see this place in its heyday! Sally: Ohh…I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed of that. But one of these days, we’ll find a way to get it back on the map. McQueen: Yeah. Hey, listen, thanks for the drive. I had a great time. It’s kinda nice to slow down every once in a while. Sally: You’re welcome. Mater: Hey, listen, listen! If anybody asks you, we was out smashin’ mailboxes, OK? McQueen: Wha… What? Ramone: Oh, man, the paint’s still wet! Luigi: No,no,no,n​o! Get out of the store! Hey! Don’t eat the radial! Here, take-a the snow tires. Sheriff: Mater! Mater: I wasn’t tractor-ti​ppin’! Sheriff: Then where did all these gol-durn tractors come from? Mater: Whoa, boy! Whoa! McQueen: Hahaha. Hey! Hey guys. There’s one goin’ this way. I got it. McQueen: Come here, little tractor, come here. Yeah, that’s a good tractor. No,no,no,n​o, come here. What are you doing? You’re not supposed to go wandering off all…alon​e. McQueen: What are you doin’ with those old racin’ tires? Doc: Huuhhh. McQueen: Come on, Doc, drive. Doc: Ahhhh. Yeah. McQueen: Wow! You’re amazing! What are you doin’? Doc, wait! Mater: Giddup right in there! Come on, Rusty. Weee…hey​y! McQueen: Doc, hold it! Seriously, your driving’s incredible​! Doc: Wonderful. Now, go away. McQueen: Hey, I mean it. You’ve still got it! Doc: I’m askin’ you to leave. McQueen: Come on. I’m a racecar, you’re… a much older racecar, but under the hood you and I are the same. Doc: We are not the same! Understand​? Now, get out. McQueen: How could a car like you quit at the top of your game? Doc: You think I quit? McQueen: Right. Your big wreck in '54. Doc: They quit on me. When I finally got put together, I went back expecting a big welcome. You know what they said? “You’re history”. Moved right on to the next rookie standing in line. There was a lot left in me. I never got chance to show 'em. I keep that, to remind me never to go back. I just never expected that that world would…wo​uld find me here. McQueen: Hey, look, Doc, I’m not them. Doc: Oh, yeah? McQueen: No, I’m not. Doc: When is the last time you cared about something except yourself, hot rod? You name me one time. And I will take it all back. Ahhuh? I didn’t think so. These are good folk around here, who care about one another. I don’t want 'em depending on someone they can’t count on. McQueen: Oh, like you? You’ve been here how long and your friends don’t even know who you are? Who’s caring about only himself? Doc: Just finish that road and get outta here! sarge: Will you turn that disrespect​ful junk off? Filmore: Respect the classics, man. Mater: He’s done. He must’ve finished it while we was all sleepin’. Doc: Good riddance. Flo: He’s gone? Sarge: Well, we wouldn’t want him to miss that race of his. Sheriff: Hisk…his​k. Ramone: Oh, dude, are you crying? Sheriff: No! I’m happy! I don’t have to watch him every second of the day anymore! I’m glad he’s gone! Red: Hahaha. McQueen: What’s wrong with Red? Mater: Oh, he’s just sad 'cause you left town, and went to your big race to win the Piston Cup that you’ve always dreamed about your whole life and get that big ol’ sponsor and that fancy helicopter you was talkin’ about. Mater: Huuhh! Wait a minute! Folks: Hahaha. Mater: I knowed you wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. McQueen: Hahaha. Sheriff: What are you doin’ here, son? You’re gonna miss your race. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a police escort, and we’ll make up the time. McQueen: Thank you, Sheriff. But you know I can’t go just yet. Sheriff: Well, why not? McQueen: I’m not sure these tires…ca​n get me all the way to California​. Yeah, does anybody know what time Luigi’s opens? Luigi: Ah..haha! I can’t-a believe it! Luigi: Four new tires! Grazien, Mr. Lightning. Grazien! Flo: Would you look at that! Luigi: Our first real customers in years! I am filled with tears of ecstacy, for this is the most glorious day of my life! McQueen: All right, Luigi, give me the best set of blackwalls you’ve got. Luigi: No,no,no,n​o! You don’t-a know what you want. Luigi know what you want. Blackwall tires. They blend into the pavement. But-a this…whi​te-wall tires! They say, “Look at me! Here I am! Love me.” McQueen: All right, you’re the expert. Luigi: Eh, hehehee! McQueen: Oh, and don’t forget the spare. Luigi: Perfetto. Guido! Guido: Peet stop! Song Luigi: Hahaha! What did Luigi tell you, aey? McQueen: Wow, you were right. Better than a Ferrari, huh? Luigi: Aaa, No. McQueen: Wow! This organic fuel is great! Why haven’t I heard about it before? Filmore: It’s a conspiracy​, man! The oil companies got a grip on the government​! They’re feedin’ us a bunch of lies, man. McQueen: OK, I’ll take a case. Ramone: Ahh.. Yeah. Ka-chow. Mater: Here she comes! McQueen: Places, everybody. Hurry! Act natural. Folks: Hi, Sally. Sally: All right, what’s goin’ on? Mater: Ladies and gentlecars​, please welcome the neeewww Lightning McQueen! McQueen: What do you think? Radiator Springs looks pretty good on me. Sally: I’ll say. Rrr. Ka-chow. You’re gonna fit right in in California​. Oh my goodness. It looks like you’ve helped everybody in town. McQueen: Yeah, everybody except one. Hey, is it getting dark out? Lizzie: What? What’d he say? McQueen: Let me say that again. Is it getting dark out? Lizzie: Now, what was I supposed to do after that? Song Sally: They fixed their neon. Flo: Low and slow? Ramone: Oh, yeah, baby! McQueen: Just like in its heyday, right? Sally: It’s even better than I pictured it. Thank you. McQueen: Shall we cruise? Lizzie: Oh, thank you, dear. I’d love to! McQueen: No,no,no. Sally: Lizzie! Lizzie: I remember when Stanley first asked me to take a drive with him. Mater: Hey, Miss sally. May I have this cruise? Sally: Of course, Mater. Sheriff: A,a,ah! Lizzie: …and again and I said, “No,” and he asked me again, and I said, “No.” But, oh, he was a persistent little burger for a two-cylind​er. Finally I said, “All right, one little drive.” Mater: Hahaha. McQueen: Hey! Sally: Thanks, Mater. Mater: Good evenin’, you two. Lizzie: Oh, Stanley, I wish you could see this. Flo: Is that what I think it is? Sally: Oh, I don’t know, Flo. I haven’t had a chance to find out. But I am going to find out. Hello. Flo: Not that. That. Sally: Huh. Customers? Flo: Customers, everybody! And a lot of 'em! You know what to do. Just like we rehearsed. Mater: It’s the ghostlight​! Helicopter​: We have found McQueen. We have found McQueen! Cameramen: McQueen, over here! McQueen: Aaa, wait, excuse me. Cameramen: Is it true you’ve been in rehab? Cameramen: Did you have a nervous breakdown, McQueen. McQueen: I’m sorry, what? Cameramen: McQueen’s wearing whitewalls​! Cameramen: Are the tires you wearing are turning balding? Sally: Stickers, McQueen! Cameramen: Was Lightning McQueen your prisoner? Mater: Shoot, no! We’re best buds! I ain’t braggin’ or nothin’, but I was in charge of huntin’ him down if he tried to escape. McQueen: Sally, Sally! Kori: McQueen! Will you still race for the Piston Cup? Sally: Stickers? McQueen: Sally! Cameramen: Come on, give us some bolt! Mack: You’re here! Thank the manufactur​er! You’re alive! McQueen: Mack? Mack: You’re here! I can’t belive it! Oh, hoho. You are a sight for some headlights​! I’m so sorry I lost you, boss. I’ll make it up to you! McQueen: Mack, I, I can’t belive you’re here. Harv: Is that the world’s fastest racing machine? McQueen: Is that Harv? Mack: Yeah. He’s in the back. Cameramen: Show us the bolt, McQueen! Mack: Get back, you oil-thirst​y parasites! Cameramen: Hey, where’s the old McQueen? Mack: Actually, this is my good side here. Cameramen: Show us the bolt! McQueen: Harv! Harv! Cameramen: Give us the bolt! McQueen: Harv? Cameramen: Come on! Harv: Kid, I’m over here! McQueen: How you doin’, buddy? Harv: My star client disappears off the face of the earth! How do you think I’m doing? McQueen: Harv, I can explain. Harv: I’m doing great! You’re everywhere​, baby! Radio, TV, the papers! You can’t buy this kind of publicity! What do you need me for? That’s just a figure of speech, by the way. You signed a contract. Where are you? I can’t even find you on my GPS. McQueen: I’m in this little town called Radiator Springs. You know Route 66? It’s still here! Harv: Yeah, that’s great, kid. Playtime is over, pal. While the world’s been trying to find you, Dinoco has had no one to woo. Who are they gonna woo? McQueen: Chick! Harv: Bingo. In fact, check out what’s on the plasma right now. Cameramen: Show us the thunder! Chick: You want thunder? You want thunder? Ka-chicka, ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! McQueen: Hey, that’s my bit! Harv: You’ve gotta get to Cali, pronto! Just get out of Radiation Stinks now, or Dinoco is history, you hear me? McQueen: Just give me a second here, Harv. Harv: No,no,no, wait. Where are goin’. Get in the trailer, baby. Kid! You want, you want a bigger trailer? McQueen: Sally, I…I want you to… Look, I wish…Ahh​hh. Sally: Thank you. Thanks for everything​. McQueen: Ah. Haha. It just a road. Sally: No. It was much more than that. Mack: Hey, kid! We gotta go. Harv’s goin’ crazy! He’s gonna have me fired if I don’t get you in the truck right now! McQueen: Mack, just… hold it for… Sally: You should go. McQueen: I know, but… Sally: Good luck in California​. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Cameramen: McQueen, come on! McQueen: Sally! Cameramen: Show us the bolt, McQueen! The bolt! Hey, Lightning, show us the bolt! Cameramen: Where’s the old McQueen? Harv: Come on, get in the trailer. That’s it. That’s right kid, let’s go! You’re a big shining star. You’re a superstar. You don’t belong there, anyway. McQueen: Whoa… Wait…Who​a,whoa,wai​t,wait! Cameramen: Hey, guys! McQueen’s leavin’ in the truck! Kori: Hey, are you Doc Hudson? Doc: Yeah. Kori: Thanks for the call. Sally: You called them? Doc: It’s best for everyone, Sally. Sally: Best for everyone, or best for you? Mater: I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. Bob: Hello, race fans, and welcome to what has become, quite simply, the biggest event in the history of racing. A three way battle for the Piston Cup! Darrell: There’s a crowd of nearly 200,000 cars here at the Los Angeles Internatio​nal Speedway. Tickets to this race are hotter than a black leather seat on a hot summer day! Bob: The King, Chick Hicks and Lightning McQueen in a 200 laps, winner-tak​es-all, tiebreaker race. Darrell: You know I got a lotta miles on me, but let me tell you somethin’ buddy. I never thought I’d see anything like this. Wow! Man. This is exciting! Bob: In fact, the country has almost shut down, to watch what many experts are calling “the race of the century.” Junior: Hey, King! Good luck in your last race. You’ve sure been an inspiratio​n to me. The King: Thanks, Junior. Appreciate it. Dear: Hey, be careful out there, OK? The King: Yeah, mam. Mia: He’s hot. Chick: Wanna know the forecast? I’ll give you the forecast. A 100 percent chance of thunder! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Say it with me! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Security: Hey, you! No admittance without a garage pass. Fred: Oh, it’s OK. Lightning McQueen knows me! Andretti: Hey, Marco, it’s a beautiful day for a race, isn’t it? Security: Absolutely​, Mr. Andretti. Andretti: And good morning to you, Fred. Fred: Mario Andretti he knows my name! You gotta let me in now! Security: Sorry, pal. McQueen: OK, here we go. Focus. Speed. I am speed. Victory, one winner, two losers. Speed. Speed. Speed. Speed… Mack: Hey, Lightnin’! You ready? McQueen: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m…I’m ready. McQueen: Mack, thanks for being my pit crew today. Mack: Nahh. Don’t worry about it, kid. It’s the least I could do. After all, “Gas Can” is my middle name. McQueen: It is? Mack: Nahh, not really. Small aeroplane: A. O. TV Crew: Nelson! Zoom in. Ready, 16? Take 16. Bob: And there he is, Lightning McQueen! Missing all week, and then he turns up in the middle of nowhere! In a little town called Radiator Springs. Darrell: Wearin’ whitewall tires, of all things. Chick: Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Hahaha. Hey, where you been? I’ve been kinda lonely. Nobody to hang out with. I mean, except the Dinoco folks. Ohhh and the twins. Of course. You know the twins the one that used to be your fans, but now they’re my fans. Anyway, listen to what the twins think… McQueen: Ahh. Shoot! Fans: Boogity, boogity, boogity, boys! Let’s go racin’! Dear: Come on, you can do it! Tex: Come on kid, make us proud, boy! Bob: Fifty laps down, and The King is still holding a slim lead. Darrell: Hey, McQueen’s got a run on him! He’s lookin’ to the inside! Ohh! Chick slammed the door on him! Bob: Chick’s not making it easy on him today. Darrell: Oh, man, he lost so much momentum, and now he’s gonna have to chase him back down! Bob: Ohhh, McQueen spins out in the infield! Chick: Hahaha! Just me and the old man, fellas. McQueen just doesn’t have it today. Mack: Hey, kid, are you all right? McQueen: I don’t know, Mack. I..I… I don’t think I… Doc: I didn’t come all this way to see you quit. McQueen: Doc? Guys: Yey.. Hahaha. McQueen: Guys, you’re here! I can’t believe this! Doc: I knew you needed a crew chief, but I didn’t know it was this bad. McQueen: I thought you said you’d never come back. Doc: Well, I really didn’t have a choice. Mater didn’t get to say goodbye. Mater: Goodbye!! Okay, I’m good. McQueen: Hahaha! Doc: All right, if you can drive as good as you fix a road, then you can win this race with you eyes shut. Now, get back out there! Hot snot, we are back in business! Guido! Luigi! You’re goin’ up against profession​al pit crews boys, you’re gonna have to be fast. Luigi: They will not know what bit them! Doc: Kid, you can beat these guys. Find a groove that works for you and get that lap back. Chick’s Crew: Is that? Chick’s Crew: Oh, wow. That’s him! TV Crew: Is that…? That’s the Hudson Hornet! Bob, Darrell! The Hudson Hornet’s back! Bob: Darrell, it appears McQueen has got himself a pit crew. And look who he has for a crew chief! Fans: Wow… Look, man. It’s the Hudson Hornet! Biggest fan: Whoa!! Fans: Well, dip me in axle grease and call me Slick! It surely is. Biggest fan: Hahahahaha​! Bob: Wow, this is history in the making. Nobody has seen the racing legend in over 50 years! Lizzie: Hey, Doc! Come look at the fellow on the radio. He looks just like you. Bob: McQueen passes them on the inside! Darrell: But he’s still nearly a lap fail. Bob: Can he catch up to them with only 60 laps to go? Doc: You’re goin’ great, kid. Just keep your head on. Guido: Vai! Vai! Vai,vai! Chick’s crew: Hey, shrimpie, where did McQueen find you, huh? Those round things are called tires, and they go under the car! All Chick’s Crew: Hahahahaha​!!! Guido: Con chi credi di parlare? Ma, con chi stai parlando? Luigi: No! No, no! You’ll have your chance. You will have your chance. Chick: Oh, kid’s just tryin’ to be a hero, huh? Well, what do you think of this? Yeah, that’s it kid. Whats?? Mater: Whoa! Git-R-done​! Hahaha! I taught him that. Ka-chow! Chick Crew: Auuww! Bob: What a move by McQueen! He’s caught up to the leaders. Darrell: Oh, yeah. This is what it’s all about. A three-way battle for the lead, with ten to go. Tex: Hahaha! Look at that boy go out there! Chick: No, you don’t. McQueen: Doc, I’m flat! I’m flat! Doc: Can you get back to the pits? McQueen: Yeah, yeah. I think so. Doc: Hey, got a yellow. Bring it in. Don’t tear yourself up, kid. Mack: We gotta get him back out there fast or we’re gonna be a lap down, and we’ll never win this race! Doc: Guido! It’s time. Chick Crew: Hey, tiny, you gonna clean his windshield​? Hahaha! Darrell: I don’t believe it! Bob: That was the fastest pit stop I’ve ever seen! Darrell: It was a great stop, but he’s still gotta beat that pace car out! Bob: It’s gonna be close. Mater: Yeah!! Biggest Fan: Yeah, baby!! Fans: Yeah… Hahaha! Darrell: Yeah!! He’s back in the race! Guido: Peet stop. Luigi: Guido, you did it! Mater: Way to go, Guido! Ramone: Yeah!! Bob: This is it. We’re heading into the final lap and McQueen is right behind the leaders. What a comeback! Darrell: A hundred and ninety-nin​e laps, and, baby, it all comes down to this! Doc: This is it, kiddo. You’ve got four turns left. One at a time. Drive it in deep and hope it sticks. Go! Chick: We’ll see about that! Bob: McQueen’s going inside! Bob: Chick and The King are loose! Darrell: I think McQueen is out of the race! Darrell: McQueen saved it! Bob: He’s back on the track! Doc: Float like a Cadillac..​. McQueen: Sting like a Beemer! Biggest Fan: Ka-chow, ka-chow, ka-chow! Fans: Wooowww! Folks: Yeeehaaaa! Hahaha. Darrell: Lightning McQueen is gonna win the Piston Cup! Sally: Come on! You got it! You got it, Stickers! Chick: I am not comin’ in behind you again, old man. Dear: Oh, no! Chick: Yeah… Woooww! I won, baby! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Flo: What’s he up to, Doc? The King: What are you doin’, kid? McQueen: I think The King should finish his last race. The King: You just gave up the Piston Cup, you know that? McQueen: Ahhh. This grumpy old racecar I know once told me somethin’. It’s just an empty cup. Bob: Darrell, is pushing on the last lap legal? Darrell: Hey, man. He’s not really pushin’ him. He’s just givin’ him a little bump draft. Chick: Whoaa.. Hohooo!! Hey. What? What’s goin’ on? Fan: That’s what I call racin’ right there. Tex: Hahaha! Luigi: Bravo il mio amico! Mater: Way to go, buddy! Filmore: There’s a lotta love out there, you know, man? Sarge: Don’t embarrass me, Filmore. Lizzie: That’s my hot rod. Chick: Come on, baby, bring it out! Bring out the Piston Cup! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Yeah! Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Hey, how come I’m the only one celebratin​g is me, huh? Where are the girls? Bring on the confetti! Auuww! Auuww! Easy with the confetti. What’s goin’ on? Come on, snap some pictures. I gotta go sign my deal with Dinoco! Ka-chicka! Say it with me. Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Cameramen: Booo! Mia & Tia: Booo! Chick: What’s wrong with everybody? Where’s the happiness? Hey! This is the start of the Chick era! Dear: Thanks, Lightnin’. McQueen: You’re welcome. Fan: Way to go, King! Fan: You’re still the car! Biggest Fan: You’re The King! Yeah! Rust-eze Folks: Yeah! Hahahaha! Mack: Wahh! Hoo! Rust-eze Car: You make us proud, kid! Mack: Congrats on the loss, me bucko! Doc: You got a lotta of stuff, kid. McQueen: Thanks, Doc. Tex: Hey, Lightnin’. How 'bout comin’ over here and talk to me a minute? Son, that was some real racin’ out there. How’d you like to become the new face of Dinoco? McQueen: But I didn’t win. Tex: Lightnin’, there’s a whole lot more to racin’ than just winnin’. Rust-eze Van: He was so rusty, when he drove down the street. Hahaha. Buzzards used to circle the car! Folks: Hahahaha. McQueen: Thank, you, Mr. Tex, but…but these Rust-eze guys over there gave me my big break. I’m gonna stick with them. Tex: Well, I sure can respect that. Still, you know, if there’s ever anything I can do for you, just let me know. McQueen: I sure appreciate that. Thank you. Actually, there is one thing. Mater: Whoah! Hoo! Aaaa! Hey look at me! I’m flyin’, by golly! Whoahh! Hoo! I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park! Luigi: I think it’s about-a time we redecorate​. Michael Schumacker​: Chow! Hi, Lightning McQueen told me this was the best place in the world to get tires. How 'bout setting me and my friends up with three or four sets each? Luigi: Huh. Guido! There is a real Michael Schumacker Ferrari in my store. A real Ferrari! Punch me, Guido. Punch me in the face. This is the most glorious day of my life. Michael Schumacker​: Wow. Spero che il tuo amico si riprenda. Mi dicono che siete fantastici​. Sally: Uh..huh!. Hahaha. Just passin’ through? McQueen: Actually, I thought I’d stop and stay awhile. I hear this place is back on the map. Sally: It is? McQueen: Yeah, there’s some rumor floating around that some hotshot Piston Cup racecar is setting up his big racing headquarte​rs here. Sally: Really? Well, there goes the town. McQueen: You know, I really missed you, Sally. Sally: Well, I create feelings in others they themselves don’t understand and, blah, blah, blah, blah. McQueen: Hahaha. Mater: McQueen and Sally parked beneath the tree, K-i-s-s…​i-n-t! McQueen: Great timing, Mater! Mater: Hep-non, hip-hep, hi-li-lill​y! Weeeee!! McQueen: He’s my best friend. What’re you gonna do? Sally: So, Stickers, last one to Flo’s buys? McQueen: I don’t know. Why don’t we just take a drive? Sally: Mmm. Nahh. McQueen: Yeah! Ka-chow! Mater: Yeeeehoooo​!!!!! Song -X-X-X THE END X-X-X

A letter to Terry Pratchett

alright, how to do this. Since i was 12 my favorite author has always been Terry Pratchett. His Tiffany Aching series shaped who i am today, and i hold his writing above all other writing. i always fantasized about meeting him and telling him how much his writing meant to me and how grateful i was. And then he died the day before my 17th birthday. and god, i wept. i completely broke down. it took me a while to recover, and even longer to find the words, but i wrote him this letter, and i thought i’d put it by the terry pratchett memorial next time i came to london (i live in denmark), but by the time i came the memorial had been painted over. and so this letter has been sitting in my documents folder for a long time, and i feel like that iis wrong. i need to put it out there somewhere in the world - even if its just for closure. i watched the BBC documentary ‘back in black’ recently and i got the idea to publish the letter here, so i may live to regret this but here it comes; my badly written, far too long letter to a man who will never read it:


Dear Sir Terry Pratchett,

I don’t really know why I’m writing this letter. As things are, you’ll never read it, and even if you could, I don’t know if I’d dare give it to you. Or if I’d even dare approach you. You see (and you’ll probably disagree/dislike me for this/get miffed about this), you rank frighteningly high on my list of natural forces, my hierarchy of deities. You probably wouldn’t like that, rather a rising ape than a fallen angel, but that is how it is. I believe in a god, but you are closer to him in my accounts than you will ever be to me. Maybe that’s wrong, don’t put your heroes on pedestals and whatnot, but I don’t think I can stop it now. It’s just how it is. So I don’t really know why I’m writing this letter, or if anyone will ever read it, but I think I needed to do it. Get out all the things I will never get a chance to tell you. Very human, isn’t it?

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Going to the eyedoctor

My eye sight always sucked. Like I was wearing glasses since I was in kindergarden. Until I went and saw my new eyedoctor - that dude hooked me up.

When ur a kid and you wear glasses it’s totally obvious that your gonna be a nerd. They’re like this magnet that brings bullies to you, along with a fondness for comic books and bein good at math. No matter what I did, it seemed like I couldn’t NOT be a nerd so eventually I grew into it. Right down to the sweatervest and khakis I was wearing when I went in today

I used to be that guy…you know the one. That dude with the gleam in his eye cause he knows everything

The doctor saw that right away too.

“Hi,” he said. “Do you want to get red of those glasses?”

Yeah, duh doc. But contacts make my eyes itchy.

He had me take off the glasses and read a chart. It was so blurry I couldnt see any of the letters.

“lets make an adjustment” he said and clicked a piece of his equipment

It’s weird how you always get cold sitting in a doctors office. I shifted in the chair. His agro air conditioning was pushing through my basketball shorts and tshirt easily.

“How’s that?” he said

“I can see M U…then it gets blurry”

Click. Another adjustment…

I was shifting again in my chair. My muscles were totally sore from today. First I’d tossed around a football with the guys, then I’d gone and lifted. It was a good sore….

“I see like a M U…then it’s blurry… then there’s an S and some more blurry letters.

"How about now?” he clicked in another adjustment.

The chairs in these offices are always too damn small for a guy like me. It’s my own fault…but if u could put on muscle like I can, you’d pack it on too

“It looks like M U S C L E S…and then it gets blurry again…”

“Hm,” said the doc. “I think we’re getting close.”. He snapped on another adjustment.

This air con really was super bad. I don’t know why I wore a stringer top here…I mean I wear one like everywhere I guess. These guns just don’t fit into most shirts, and u gotta show off what u got anyhow.

Click. How about now he asked?

“Super close doc…” I said. “M U S C L E S somethin U somethin”. Lol, what did that spell? My brains so foggy that I can like barely read bro…whatever, reading was for nerds.

“Okay,” he said. “One more.”. And the world clicked jnto focus.

Shit…I had a total hard on tenting out my tight little gym shorts. If I moved wrong the doc would probably see my dickhead pop out.

“What do you see?” he said

“M. U. S. C. L. E. S. L. U. T….” I said.

We both sat there for a sec. I shifted in my chair and the head of my cock escape its shorts. The doc was looking at it. He wanted this.

“So…doc… do I need glasses?” I asked.

That broke him out of it. “No,” he said. “Glasses are for nerds”

I gave a deep laugh. No way was I a nerd. I looked in the mirror above his desk…my thick jaw and muscled body made me unquestionably a jock. And my dull eyes didn’t have a trace of smarts to em.

“So doc…” I said, peeling off my tank. “Just how do u like to get paid?”

So hear me out...

It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so bear with me. I saw these prompts for arranged marriages, and my delightful brain thought, why not combine them?

“We’re both about to enter into separate arranged marriages, but we’re madly in love and I’m pretty sure our future spouses are hooking up too” and “We fell in love, so how can we convince our parents that an arranged marriage between us would be a politically good idea?”

And, of course, it’s ABO, because fuck it if that ain’t my jam.

  • So the Novaks and the Winchesters are old friends; their kingdoms have never fought or been in a war against each other, although they’ve allied together several times.
  • Growing up, Cas was just the nerdy kid from the kingdom next door; he liked to read history books and study entomology and create model battle fields from throughout history. Dean liked to ride horses and hunt and practice fighting, like any good knight in training would. It’s not that he ever held Cas’s oddness against him; no, he liked that Cas was a little different. They were essentially best friends, he, Sammy, and Cas. They were always together, always visiting each other’s kingdoms, and each time, Dean couldn’t help but think how lucky he was to have a friend like Cas, even with all his little quirks that Dean couldn’t help but like. But he didn’t realize how much he liked it until they each presented.
  • Suddenly, Cas was just so much more interesting with his big gummy smile and his crinkly blue eyes and his dorky jokes and his nerdy pastimes. It didn’t hurt that he smelled amazing, all soft and warm like an omega should. And just like that, Dean knew that he was in love with his best friend. And, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, Cas suddenly loved him back, too. Well, apparently, he’d been in love with Dean for a while, but he’d been so careful about hiding it, not letting it show. But the second that Dean sneaks him away from the others and takes his hand and smiles that special way at him, Cas’s smile blossoms even more beautifully than before, because he doesn’t have to hide it anymore. And as Dean claims his first kiss from his beautiful omega, all he can think is how lucky he is to have a love like Cas.
  • Now, if only his father saw it the same way.
  • Dean tries to come up with some way to present it so that the king will allow them to mate, because it is coming to that time in Dean’s life. Within a year, he’ll have to wed, and John’s looking to make some strong political connections. So over dinner, John is tossing out names and kingdoms that would be advantageous, when Dean, oh-so-casually, throws out Cas’s name, and says it would be good to cement the friendships between their kingdoms. But John counters that they already have a firm relationship with the Novaks, they don’t need to cement anything. And then he goes right on listing other kingdoms.
  • Dean tries to hide his disappointment; Mary tries not to beat the shit out of her dumbass husband.
  • No matter how they present it, John will not budge, not when Mary threatens to withhold *ahem* special privileges, not when Dean pleads and begs, not when Sammy gives him the famous puppy-dog eyes. He’s firm in this, and they can’t understand why. Until news comes of an uprising to the east, in the opposite direction of Cas’s kingdom. There are dark forces on the rise, a former prince named Lucifer who broke away from his family and seems bent on destruction…and he’s coming right toward their kingdom, right toward the Novak kingdom, too. And suddenly, Dean realizes why he needs to marry into another kingdom. The Novaks, they’ll stand by them and fight with them through thick and thin, but they’re going to need so much more than just their two kingdoms if they’re going to protect themselves…if Dean’s going to protect Cas.
  • So he agrees to marry the daughter of the king of Milton, a beta named Anna.
  • Of course, his father joyously announces the news before Dean has a chance to explain to Cas. So when Dean goes to try to explain himself, Cas won’t see him. Instead, he sends out one of his servants, some catty girl named Meg, with a note saying that it’s probably for the best that they don’t see each other again. Dean returns home, heartbroken and alone, but his resolve is firm; he needs to protect the Novak kingdom, needs to protect Cas, and if marrying Anna is the way to do it, so be it.
  • John also arranges a marriage for Sam to the Moore kingdom, to an omega named Jess. They won’t get married for a few years yet, since they’re still young, but the tie is there. Dean can’t help but feel happy for Sam, who’s obviously head over heels for the omega from the moment he meets her.
  • John, busy as ever wheeling and dealing and solidifying alliances, convinces Charles, king of Novak, to arrange a marriage for Castiel. So Castiel gets promised to the prince Michael, solidifying ties with yet another kingdom for their alliance.
  • And of course, what better way to celebrate all of these alliances than with a giant, two-week-long festival held right within the Winchester kingdom (a festival that may or may not be just a front for the alliances to begin planning their defense and attack strategy).
  • When Dean sees Cas across the ballroom at the ball they hold on the first night, he can’t help but stare. It’s been months since he’s seen his omega, months, and he looks so much better than Dean even remembers. Of course, there’s an air of sadness about him, a frigidity that has nothing to do with the temperature of the room. He won’t even look at Dean (it hurts too much. He hadn’t even wanted to come, but his father had forced him, pointing out that the festival was to celebrate his arranged marriage, and he had to be there). Dean tries all night to catch his eye, but to no avail. If he weren’t so sure of the omega’s feelings for him, he might think that Cas hated him. But he knows Cas, he knows his omega. And he has to see him, to talk to him. He has to explain why he’s doing this, explain that he’s doing it for Cas.
  • Without any pomp or fanfare, without any warning, he steals Cas away from Michael’s side for a dance. It’s supposed to be a waltz, nothing too fancy, but suddenly Cas finds himself breathless as he’s whisked around the floor. He has no choice now; he has to look at Dean, at his alpha, and Dean sees it then. Cas still loves him, so very much. To most observers, it looks like just another dance, a waltz between old friends. But to those who know—Dean’s mother and brother, Jess, Cas’s cousin Gabriel—it’s painful to watch. They can practically see Cas’s heart breaking with every step, see the way his blue eyes fill with tears as Dean speaks softly to him. As soon as the dance has ended, Cas rushes from the ballroom with no more than a whispered plea for Dean to stop tormenting him.
  • That should be the end of it. Dean’s had his dance; he’s had his chance to explain himself to Cas. And yet, it’s not. Every time he sees Cas and Michael standing together, the few times Michael wraps his arm around Castiel or takes his hand, Dean has to rein his alpha in with extreme force of will. He wants nothing more than to rip Michael’s hand, the hand that’s touching his omega, away and steal Cas back. But he can’t. He knows that Castiel and Michael haven’t solidified their bond yet; even back when they believed that their bond was a sure thing, Cas wouldn’t let Dean take him because of his devout religious beliefs. Even knowing that, Dean needs the affirmation that Cas is still his, that he still loves him. Luckily, he knows where to find Cas in the few private moments they’re afforded.
  • He sneaks into the library, day after day, stolen moments between all the other festivities and events, just to catch glimpses of his omega curled up with a book in front of the fireplace, just to catch a whiff of that wonderful scent, sad and resigned though it may be. He thinks he’s being careful, sneaky even, until the fourth day when Castiel sighs heavily and tells him to come out of hiding. At first, he plans to just sit across from him, to look at him and talk to him, but when do things ever go according to plan? They end up sitting on the floor in a darkened corner, Cas curled into his side as they whisper soft apologies and regrets. Before he leaves, Dean claims another kiss, this one broken and sad.
  • The next day, they sneak into their back corner of the library again, and Dean takes another kiss. And the next day another, and the next day another. Each is just as wonderful and terrible as the one before, and somehow even more still. For Cas, it’s the only truth he has left, the only bit of sanity for him to cling to. He finds himself in Dean’s kisses, loses himself to the alpha’s mouth, drowns in his scent. Every desperate press of lips is an invisible brand he leaves on his alpha, hoping that Anna won’t ever be able to truly wash them away. He can’t help but wonder what would happen if he just offered himself up to Dean, went ahead and mated with the man he loves despite everything. But he can’t; he can’t do that to their kingdoms and their families. He’ll just have to keep smiling and allowing Michael to wrap his arm around him; he’ll have to keep pretending that he’s not dying inside every time he sees Dean and Anna together.
  • They’re so busy sneaking off together, they don’t notice Anna and Michael’s increasingly long absences. If either of them had taken the time to notice, they probably wouldn’t have thought anything of it. In fact, no one suspects a thing until one of the maids walks in on their betrotheds in bed together…and not just in bed, but tied together, fresh mating marks on their neck.
  • At first, all is in an uproar. John wants to seek recompense for the broken agreements, demanding for things to be made right. He brought these families to his kingdom to help them, not humiliate them. All seems lost; the alliances won’t happen, and they’ll have to stand alone against the coming evil. But Dean knows that they still need these alliances, that they can’t afford to make enemies out of these kingdoms, so he offers an alternative option. He can see that Michael and Anna love each other; he recognizes the symptoms easily, having experienced the same with his omega. He proposes that Michael and Anna mate, joining their two kingdoms, but that the overall alliance of kingdoms still remain intact. They’ll all still be allied, just not through marriage. They’ll stand together, a unified confederation against Lucifer and his forces. 
  • Michael and Anna, along with their families, readily agree. They know that it’s only a matter of time before Lucifer defeats the Winchesters and Novaks and heads for them next, and they’re wise enough to realize that Dean’s offering them a solid out, no strings attached. So they draw up new contracts between the kingdoms, contracts that don’t involve marriages but are still just as binding. 
  • Cas tries to hide his elation as their fathers all sign the contracts that free him from his oppresive farce of a marriage and open up a world of possibilities for him and Dean. 
  • Of course, this leaves both him and Cas without mates, and oh no! what are they ever to do about it? 
  • After seeing the wisdom Dean exhibited with the situation, John realizes that Dean will make a great king someday, but he also knows that a great king needs a supportive mate, and he can see that there will be no one more supportive of his son than Castiel. He finally agrees to the mating and gives his blessing.
  • The two are married within a month. It’s not that they mean to rush, but they both feel that they’ve waited long enough. Dean finally claims Cas in their large, warm bed, their scents blending and bleeding onto the sheets as he takes him again and again. After, as they lie there sated and panting, Cas smiles dopily, that big beautiful gummy smile that Dean had fallen in love with so long ago, and whispers that this is everything he’s ever wanted.
  • Dean can’t help but agree.
Training the New Act

June 16

It’s been two days since I went to the circus.

I have not left.

Finally managed to get my goddamn phone back from those three hooligans. Screen’s cracked in the corner but it’s still usable. I still don’t know how they got the drop on me.

I don’t have any signal but I know they still have my charger somewhere, and there’s an outlet in the corner of their trailer. If I can get even a bar I can call 911 and I’ll have a SWAT team here to save me. In case I die before help is found, my name is Evan Randall. I’m a doctor. The clowns kidnapped me, the act with the three teenagers, the juggler, the crying girl, and the acrobat. Show these bastards the full extent of the law.

Keep reading

2

After the Berkeley kids shut down my freedom of speech and my book got shut down for being a little too liberal for the liberals, I wanted a change.  Let’s face it, I only did the Breitbart thing because I wasn’t really getting the hookups I wanted.  Money can buy a lot these days, anyhow, so down in Palo Alto I hooked up with some of my connections at Stanford and discussed the latest in epigentics and sexuality enhancements.  I really just wanted a sort of popper for the weekend, a yohimbe-esque aphrodisiac, but I was a bit drunk and running my mouth off… anyhow, it was just a little powder, I thought, how wild could it be?

Before I knew it, though, I was getting hot flashes.  I almost had to loosen my collar on the drive home, just felt a bit woozy and, well, as I parked in the hotel’s parking ramp I had to fight an urge to almost literally rip my shirt off as I hurried back to my hotel room.  I just felt overheated but also cramped, stuffy, something else… as I almost ran down the hotel corridor I did start to almost rip my shirt right off.  I felt like I was going to start to pant…

As soon as I slammed the door behind me, I started getting out of my clothes as it really hit me.  I was hulking out, jocking up, furring out… this couldn’t be real, I thought, but it was real.  I was not only feeling up, I was feeling horny, and who could blame me given the hairy muscle jock that was staring back at me in the mirror?

Turns out the change was permanent, so the old Milo is gone.  The new Milo though, hell, he’s more in command than ever… that is, when I can manage to keep a dick out of my mouth or keep my hands off any other jock’s furry ass….growl, man, fuckin’ yeah.  I love the new me.

A Savior among Others

Ohmlirious |Word-Count: 3,000+

(This is a new idea I have that I want to make into a some kind of series, if you guys enjoy it)

Every person in the world had a savior. An angel. And it’s their job to keep their assigned human out of harms way, until death comes to take them personally.

Unlike others, however, Jon didn’t have a guardian angel. He wasn’t even sure if he had a savior, there were never any signs and the savior hadn’t made it known in any way. He was clumsy as all hell; sometimes he truly and unironically wondered how he still managed to stay alive with his great ineptness.

His mother tried to convince him every time he talked with her, “Oh, your champion will find its way to you eventually; you’ve always been a late bloomer anyways Jonathan.” And he’d roll his eyes and scowl as she laughed and told him to be patient.

But when? That was the million dollar question. The question he’d asked for years, but received no answer to. He was going to get an answer one day, if it was the last thing he’d do. 

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Fool’s Errand so far:

Fitz: Fuuuuck, isn’t the Fool is just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? I mean, look at how he glows, look at the perfect angles of his cheekbones, look at how elegant his hands are, look at how his hair and skin are made out of fucking SUNBEAMS, look at how his clothes flatter his perfect body, look at how the firelight flatters his perfect face, look at how the candle light is tenderly fondling his aristocratic bone structure, look at how the sunset makes him glow like some godly magical immaculate unicorn boy…..

Fitz: WAIT IS HE IGNORING ME I don’t care Idon’tcareIdon’tcar– NOO I DON’T LIKE THIS… Ahhh nevermind he paid attention to me, my life has meaning again *breathes* ohhh but fuck seriously look how goddamn attractive he is now, I just, how?? He’s so goddamn beautiful *fills pages with poetry*

Fitz: Oh, yeah, and also he’s really nice to me and he’s loved me loyally forever and he’s pretty much the only person I’ve ever trusted in my life and shit I really missed him so much when he was gone… but whenever I’m with him I feel so complete <3

Fitz: Ugh dammit why do we have to travel with other people I just want to be alone with him!!!

Fitz: ………………..seriously though, I don’t get why he flirts with me?? What a weirdo.

Fitz: Eh, this woman is alright, I suppose. I mean, I don’t trust her or anything but she’s nice and sort of pretty.

Fitz: She seems sort of into me. Awesome, maybe we should hook up.

ooc;

tfw you picked up a totally random book from the library booksale because the synopsis looked promising but now you’re attached to all the characters and i mean literally all of them and now you’re also filled with a Great Need™ for a 1960s East-West spy AU with either of your muses

2

[  verboten. ]

Summary: AU One-Shot. The next generation of OUAT. She’s the daughter of the Savior and Captain Hook. He’s the son of Beauty and the Beast. Their fathers have been enemies for centuries, but they’ve been making heart eyes at each other for years. Secret dating ensues.

AO3 / FF.net

A/N: Based off this post and a subsequent ask I received. I have forever had this fancast in my head for these OUAT kids – he takes after his mother with his shy smile and love for books, she has her father’s coloring and her mother’s magic. And then you went and ruined me by making it a sort of star-crossed lovers trope. Because that is EXACTLY what would happen in such a fairytale. 

My deepest, heartfelt thanks to my sparkledoodle @killians-dimples for being so kind and listening to me freak out over this and being a wonderful, encouraging friend. As always. 

(ETA: I started this before S6 kicked off, so I am completely ignoring that the show decided to shoot holes in this headcanon by actually casting the future Rumbelle son.) 

+ + + +

She’s not quite sure when exactly it started, she’s only sure that she’s in too deep.

And that her father is going to kill her.

A gust of crisp fall wind greets her as she steps out of Granny’s Diner, lifting her raven curls and tipping her beanie askew as she makes her way quickly down the sidewalk, a bag of sandwiches tucked neatly under her arm. She told her parents that she was going to the sheriff’s station to finish up some paperwork, which wasn’t exactly a lie (no use even trying when Emma Swan is your mother) – but it wasn’t exactly the whole truth either. She just has to make a little detour first.

(She tries not think about the way her mother’s sharp green eyes had lingered on hers before she dashed out the door, tries to pretend that her secret is safe.)

(But deep down she knows her mother sees too much.)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Why are so interested in Greek mythology? I didn't realize it had such a big fandom on tumblr, where did it come from? Other than Greek mythology are there other mythologies people like on tumblr?

In elementary school, I found this kids book about Greek mythology and I was hooked on it ever since. Then as I grew older, I started to learn about other mythologies, but Greek will always have a special place in my heart. I actually didn’t know it had such a huge fanbase either until I followed @oylmpians (look at that slick promo) and she would (still does) reblog and create such beautiful edits. The top 3 other than Greek mythology would be: Roman, Norse and Egyptian. (You should check out @mythologicalnet for more myths though.)

anonymous asked:

ouat

favorite male character: i hope tv show heaven is treating robin well, my true guy <33
favorite female character: you mean the only character that’s relevant, regina needs a break from carrying this show and keeping it alive through her blood, sweat, and tears 
least favorite character: emma can choke tbh
prettiest character: regina ofc <33 but if you ignore snow’s hair, she’s such a close second
funniest character: i used to think rumple or hook, i’m not sure anymore
favorite season: 3b was so good, what happened
favorite episode: 3x09 save henry
favorite romantic ship: outlaw queen
favorite family ship: regal believer <3 my kids
favorite friend ship: i’m so happy snow queen is alive and well
worst ship: lol where to start? i guess i’ll go with sq, bc at least the other ships have nothing to do with my children

send me a show/movie/book etc?

10

Hook-a-Duck / La pêche aux canards

guys, you don’t know how happy i was when the toodler update bring a small duck in 6 differents swatches. we can use them as floaties for pool, deco for the bathroom… or hook-a-duck ! i wonder if someone ever have made this in their game, mmh. but it was my very first idea. “la pêche aux canards” (hook-a-duck in french) was my favorite game ever when i was a kid. we usually have them at the summer school party or at fair.

anyway, i guess maybe some of you never played this game. it’s more difficult than it looks : you’ve to catch a small duck and they all have a small number wrote underneath them. the number match with a gift (candies, books, pencils, water guns) but it can be a huge reward like dolls, teddy bear, or bikes !!! the fun is that sometimes, ducks go upside down so you see the big prize number but then, they flip and they all looked the same, aaarg! oh, and they move all the way around, sometimes real quick !

p-s : the original lot ain’t mine but i’ve made some improvements :) (it’s still a wip but i won’t share for obvious reasons, btw)

signs as mitch hedberg jokes
  • Aries: If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up
  • Taurus: Every book is a children's book if the kid can read
  • Gemini: I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies
  • Cancer: You know, I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with 'em later
  • Leo: I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that
  • Virgo: I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too
  • Libra: I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube
  • Scorpio: Last time I called 'shotgun' we had rented a limo, so I fucked up
  • Sagittarius: I haven't slept for ten days.. because that would be too long
  • Capricorn: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus.. or a really cool opotamus?
  • Aquarius: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem
  • Pisces: I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake

I am a mom who decided to read this book, as it was required for my son’s 8 grade language arts class. I’m always interested in what he brings home and the very first glance had me hooked. He also enjoyed reading this book and it was an easy read for us both. The Pigman is a short story that kids can easily relate to, plus interesting enough to hold their attention. I can see why this book is so popular and is given as a class assignment. I gave The Pigman 5 stars because it impressed me while also teaching a lesson too.

anonymous asked:

How did you get introduced to Stephen King?

Honestly, I’ve known about him since I was a kid… but I never really read his books until about four years ago.  I just picked up Cujo at the bookstore one day and decided to give it a chance.  After that, I was hooked.  Now I have more than a dozen (I think) of his books.   The last one I read was Christine–the book about the haunted Plymouth Fury. The Stand and The Green Mile are my favorites by far.

They're The Smartest People I Know

Milo’s finger tapped on the desk in front of him, his cheek tilted into his palm as he waited for Zack and Melissa. He had surprisingly gotten to class before them, but his previous class was rather close. He was smiling, but it didn’t really hide his boredom.

“…And if you value your life, you’ll stay back here with us.”

Milo turned his head slightly to give Bradley a glance. He was talking to the new student, both of them looking at him. Milo smiled and waved, but the two students were quick to scuttle away a bit further. Milo shrugged and turned his attention back to the door.

“You think he’s here or did another flock of eagles snatch him up?”

“If he’s not, I’m calling that it was wildebeest.”

Milo sighed, finally a distraction. Melissa and Zack were a few steps from the door when Milo suddenly stood up. His chair squeaked with his movement and was nearly knocked over in his haste as he ran over to stand behind the doorway.

“Melissa! Zack! Stop where you are.”

The two kids froze in their tracks, looking at Milo from their place in the hallway. They were one footstep away from being in class.

“Milo, what’s up?”

“Just take my hand. Carefully.”

Zack looked Melissa for an explanation, but he didn’t receive one, for she was just as confused as he was. Slowly, they both took Milo’s outstretched hands, but his look of worry didn’t falter.

“Don’t move.”

Milo glanced up at something they couldn’t see before he took one step back and yanked them forward. They both fell on top of him and he wrapped his arms around them.

“Milo! What’d you d-”

Zack was silenced by the sound of the many medieval weapons crashing to the ground in front of the doorway. Spears, swords, flails, you name it, all crashing down like a guillotine. After it was over, Milo let them go, all three of them sitting on the floor.

“Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine, but that could have been horrible.”

“How did you know to save us from that?”

Milo’s smile returned and Melissa and Zack couldn’t help but smile themselves.

“Murphy’s Law gives warning sometimes. And everyone knows that the safest place when near a Murphy is-”

“Oh my gosh!”

Milo looked up to see the new kid, having recovered from the shock of the situation, walking up to him.

“Dude, what was that? What is wrong with you?! You could have gotten them killed! Someone like you shouldn’t be in school! You should locked up in some science lab where you can’t hurt anyone and so that they can figure out what the heck is with you, you freak!”

Milo stared for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak, but the new kid cut him off, turning to Zack and Melissa.

“And you guys! Are you insane?! Why would you hang out with this kid? He’s gonna get you killed! You guys are freaking stupid if you think hangi-!”

“Hey!”

Milo stood up, putting himself between the kid and his friends.

“Leave them alone!”

The classroom grew quiet, the only noise being a few people taking out their phones and pressing record. Milo noticed, but it didn’t deter him.

“Yeah, I know I’m a freak but it’s exactly something I can help. You can talk about how I could get someone or myself hurt or killed all you want because, honestly, it stopped bothering me years ago. But when you talk about my friends, calling them stupid got wanting it hang out with me, then that’s when it’s bothers me.”

Zack and Melissa stood up at this point, watching and listening as Milo showed a side of himself that they have never seen before.

“Zack and Melissa aren’t stupid for wanting to hang out with me. If anything, I’m stupid for not pushing them away when he first met so that they wouldn’t get hurt at all, but I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t. Melissa and Zack are the greatest friends I could have ever asked for and I’m not gonna let anything happen to them.”

Milo grabbed the straps of his backpack as he stood up a little bit straighter.

“I may be a danger to everyone in this room, heck, I may be a danger to everyone in this school, but I’m gonna to protect the ones I can. Look at these two-” Milo gestured behind him at Zack and Melissa. “Do they look hurt to you? They aren’t hurt because, as I was saying before you decided to walk up and butt in like you knew everything, the safest place when near a Murphy is right next to them. Watch.”

Milo backed up, hooking his arms around Zack’s and Melissa’s. He then proceeded to tap his foot to some unknown beat, the desk in front of them soon buckling and sending heavy books flying at them. Everyone watched in awe as the books missed Zack and Melissa by mere inches. Milo stepped forward, but didn’t let go of them.

“So, don’t call my friends stupid when they’re the smartest people to know to always be with me.”

The kid looked at the trio before shuffling away back to the back of the class. Milo released Melissa’s arm, but pullef Zack down, making him dodge a bird that had flown through the open window. Zack chuckled, walking with Milo to their desks.

“Thanks, Milo.”

Melissa plopped down in her own chair, turning around to look at them.

“Hey, Milo. Is that true?”

“Is what true?”

“The thing you said about the safest place being right next to you.”

Milo leaned forward, slouching again as his smile returned.

“Sure is! A safe distance away also works, but the absolute, most guaranteed place where you can’t get hurt, is right by a Murphy’s side.”

The trio chuckled, Zack placing his hand on Milo’s back.

“Hey, thanks for standing up for us.”

“I had to. I couldn’t just let that kid call you names. Like I said, I’m gonna protect you from everything I cause to happen. I caused that to happen. Besides, sticks and stones may-”

“Damage your vital organs so always wear body armor,” Zack and Melissa said together.

Once again, the three laughed happily together. They shared a hug that quickly disbanded with the sound of hasty footsteps coming down the hallway.

“Sorry I’m late! Anyway, he’s ready for the weapons disp-AAH!”

Their history teacher tripped over the fake fallen weapons, landing with a heavy, “Oof!”. All eyes landed on Milo and he looked around.

“Hey, you can’t blame me for that! He wasn’t paying attention!”