my journey my thoughts

I am that sad human
Loving, caring, giving
Never receiving

I am that sorry human
Worthless, useless, helpless
Not good enough

I am that broken human
Weeping, shattering, bleeding
Not living, just existing

I am that torn human
Thinking, ticking, pondering.
Is it even worth living 

I need to get away from here for a while. I need to get away from being local because I need to explore and branch out. Home will always be home, but there’s a big world to see and I don’t know very much about what’s out there. I need to get away from those who hurt me because I feel it weighing down on my heart. I long for people who don’t long for me, but if I long for adventure it will at least long for me back because it loves being discovered and it loves anyone who gives it a chance.
—  Things on my mind
10

“What I owe him, I already repaid. What he owes me. No need to repay.”

Journey to the West: The Demons Strike Back (2017)  西游2伏妖篇 (x)

Dir. Tsui Hark, Prod. Stephen Chow

Today’s happy headcanon: For days after meeting Sarek and Amanda in “Journey to Babel,” Jim refers to Spock solely as “He who is my boyfriend” just to piss him off.

Possibly the most frightening symptom or for me anyway. The first time it happened was the peak of a panic attack, but the more frequent they happened the more this feeling did, I thought I had lost touch with reality. Now I live in constant anxiety and fear of my next panic, constant state of derealization. I never leave my house, I spend my days in my room zoning out into movies and tv shows, I find it hard to just be in my living room some days. My doctor moved again and instead of once a month I have to see someone new befire I can even see him. I’m terrified. 16 years, has passed, I haven’t lived much more just survived. Last year something let me be normal for about a year, then the darkness came back. To be so scared of your own mind is awful. When I was first diagnosed the internet was new, but I found so much comfort in chat rooms, not feeling alone. Finding others. For anyone suffering now hold fast, the good days make it worth it.

Falling for him is like
falling on pillowy soft grass
that embraces me.
Falling for you was like
being pushed off
the Empire State building.

Falling for him is like
walking on white fluffy clouds
on a glorious sunny breezy day.
Falling for you was like
crawling on rusted iron nails
to get through each day.

Falling for him is like
eating chocolate covered
caramel candied marshmallows.
Falling for you was like
tasting nothing but blood
on trying to chew on broken glass.

—  The ‘You’ is you Rusty.
I hope you know.

6 years ago, I was over the moon excited for a little show about what would happen if fairy tale characters we know and love were cursed to our world. It was the first time in my life that I realized it was okay to believe in fairy tales. It was a constant reminder that in our world, fairy tales *are* real if you’re just willing to believe in them. And I realized this show had given me an amazing gift. And then something else happened. We were given a brand new story, never written in any book or displayed in any movie. We were given the story of a woman, tough as nails but broken by a world of pain and abandonment, and a man, driven by anger and pain and the need for revenge. This man and woman faced so many trials before they even met, and what they faced after meeting was enough to fill a hundred storybooks, but they never gave up hope. They defeated the monsters, both real and internal. They fought for their love, and they won. And they taught me that it’s never too late to find a happy beginning. No matter your past, everyone deserves the chance at happiness. And that the truest of love can come when you least expect it.

I’ve learned so much from this show and from this pairing, and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me that I was never alone in my belief in magic. You’ve been with me my whole life. Like a song in my heart.

I fall in love everyday. I fall in love a little with each person that I stumble upon that day. I fall in love a little with whoever shares a part of themselves; a dark past; a loving memory. I fall in love a little with whoever makes me laugh; who makes me question the things I was so sure about; who makes me question life; who gives me a new perspective on the things I’m so adamant about. I fall in love a little with each and everyone I come across on this journey called life for they show me something new each time and give me another reason to go on with my life. They make me fall in love, all over again, each time; fall in love with life.
—  denmysterywoman // midnight thoughts

My dream is to explore ruins all over the world! 

Would you like to join me?

A while back, I played a beautiful game called Journey. The whole point of the game is basically what it is and on the way you get to see such amazing scenery and old ruins with someone else accompanying you if they happen to be playing at the same time. Sooo why not a Journey AU with Sorey and Mikleo!!

Tbh the only thing Timothy Zahn said that had me like ?? was when he was signing my book and I mentioned that I appreciated his thoughts in the panel. He said something about Leia being a character who’s already gone through her hero’s journey by the time ANH begins, and consequently she doesn’t have much of a journey throughout the movies (not disparaging her — I think in the context he was trying to affirm that she was a strong character). I tried not to gape, because boy do I think differently. I pointed out that she does learn how to let herself love and be loved and heal, but I avoided going much deeper.

The Star Wars Psychology: Dark Side of the Mind book I’ve been reading has an excellent chapter on this by Mara Wood called “A Distressing Damsel: Leia’s Heroic Journey.” It points out that Leia’s character arc fits the heroine’s journey, as defined by psychologist Maureen Murdock in the early nineties:

“While the hero’s journey involves going outward into the vast world, Murdock describes the heroine’s as one of introspection and the exploration of one’s soul. The hero supposedly concentrates on doing, whereas the woman must learn how to be. Like Campbell, Murdock found heroic descriptions in mythology and literature from different cultures over centuries and throughout the world.

Even before Luke embarks on his hero’s journey, Leia starts on her own heroine’s journey. Her role in the Star Wars saga closely follows Murdock’s outline of the heroine’s journey and serves as an explicit example of the journey many women undertake, much as Luke’s journey follows Campbell’s description of the hero’s journey…. As Leia moves through each stage of the journey, she battles her own personal demons while simultaneously growing into the leader the New Republic needs.”

This chapter is a fascinating read — one of my favorites in the book — and I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I dislike the assumption that a strong female character has to have it all together; that she doesn’t need to go on her own journey, that she is at some pinnacle while everyone else is straining to achieve their own. A lot of people see Leia this way, but I think that’s ignoring so much of what happens to her in the movies, as well as her own words and actions.

Say it with me: a strong female character can and should struggle, and grow, and be complex. She doesn’t have to have it all together to be strong. And if you really look at Leia, look at her closely, she doesn’t, even though she tries to put on that front. She’s an emotional, traumatized mess underneath all the fire and ice on the outside, and that’s okay! Over the course of the movies we see her learning how to melt that ice and be vulnerable, how to hope, how to open up the doors of her heart again and love. She goes on her own journey, too, and it is just as valid.

So this is me. This is me right now.
And lately, (realistically, most of my life), I’ve been hating myself. Every time I look at myself in the mirror., especially when I get naked, I see all my imperfections. I do not have a slim gorgeous stomach, I do not have perfect thighs. Or boobs.

And hating yourself is the worst.
You compare yourself to everyone. “Why can’t I be that gorgeous?” “Why was I made this way? Why can’t I have their metabolism?”
You get filled with jealousy and rage. You develop trust issues.

And before my mom passed I was blessed with her telling me that I’m beautiful every day.
But I also was cursed with growing up in a small town and being called “emo freak” or “emo faggot.” I even got made fun of because I liked girls. I went home after all that abuse to more abuse at home from my step dad.
I was deemed “worthless.” And then from my dad, when I was 16, when I finally(!) Had the courage to wear a bikini, I got called chubby from my own father.

Then there is the online bullying. I got my fair share of that too. It was more so often when I was growing up, but I still get it from time to time.

Then there is the endless cheating I’ve endured. “Why am I not good enough?” “What did they have I didnt?”
People nit pick you. So it doesnt matter how many compliments you get sometimes, the negative words hurt more.

They dig deep and embed yourself in your thoughts.

I haven’t worn a bikini in years because I’m too self conscious. I always wear leggings with shorts because I hate my thighs and legs.


Well,
It is finally time to stop those nasty ass habits.
I WILL get the courage to wear a bikini. I will wear leggings with my shorts only when I want that look, not to hide myself.
It is time i start loving myself.
I am going to hardcore work towards the body that I want. I am going to fight my thoughts and depression.

I need to remind myself that every time someone makes fun of me (or someone else) it is because THEY CAN. They are insecure. They have their own rage that they deal with. Their own demons, and the way they deal is to nit pick everyone else.

So here is the point of this.
I wanted to share my journey. My dark thoughts every day. I wanted you to remember that your mind, and other people, are the cruelest.
But you can conquer all of it, just as I will.

Welcome to a little insight of my every day life.

What a shame 
that a girl who once believed
in fairytales, magic and love 
had to be struck by 
cruel and cold reality.
Fairytales are just lies, 
magic is unreal.
and love doesn’t exist.
What a shame 
that a girl who once thought 
of boys as friends 
had to taste the bitter truth. 
Boys are arch enemies 
waiting in the sidelines
to aim bullets at you.
What a shame 
that a girl who loved a boy 
now just waits 
for this boy to stab her, 
then simply walk away.
All she’s now left with is 
demons in her mind
and the colossal fear 
of not being good enough
and of never being loved. 
What a shame 
that a girl who loved life 
now has thoughts 
flooding her mind 
that tell her 
it may be a good idea 
to finally put an end 
to this sorry life of hers.  
Just a shout-out...

In the last two months, I have been so blessed.  I am honestly speechless right now at all of the wonderful events that have taken place in my life that have included my path and my growing relationship with the witchcraft community.  If you know me, you know that it is rare that I am without words, but I have been moved so deeply that I just knew that I needed to share my thanks.

First and foremost, to all my followers and my new friends I have made because of my blog, thank you.  Thank you for subscribing to my daily nonsense, my personally crafted spells and rituals, and my stories about my craft, and my magical journey.  I never thought my experiences would be shared with so many people and I want you all to know that I am humbled by your friendship and encouragement.  I will continue to stay the course and try to be the best I can for all of you.  You all inspire me and for that I am eternally grateful.

To Witch Haven: I am daily honored by your presence on my server–our server.  You have truly become a second family to me.  I love each of you and I love being able to watch you start on and walk your journeys of witchcraft.  I never anticipated that our witchy family–our wamily–would grow to this size. Again, crones and witch babies, I love all of you! #witchhavenwamily always!

To my Witch Haven moderators, I cannot sing your praises enough.  @aquariwitchmom, your protectiveness and unchecked opinions keep me on my toes, ready for anything.  @talamh-criostal, your unwavering loyalty and our instant kinship keep me centered and absolutely focused on the path ahead.  @wattle-and-witchcraft, your insatiable curiosity and genuine positivity remind me to always keep searching, to keep discovering.  @baron-bones, the balance struck in you between old soul and unrelenting movement forward remind me the celebrate my past, but to also charge headlong, passionately into the future.  You four have my deepest respect and I owe the success of our server to each of you.

For all those who have attended my classes: I just want to give praise and thanks to you who have taken Witchcraft 101 on Witch Haven.  To say that I was not shocked to see how many of you arrived to learn would be a bold-faced lie.  It is because so many of you have participated in my class that I continue to persevere, research, grow, learn, and put all of the strength my sea hag soul into this community.  You honor me.  There will be more to come!

Lastly, to the Vassage family:  You know who you are.  You know what we do.  Nothing can be said other than DEI GRATIA.

So…ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING!

I am blessed, I am humbled, and I bow to the purpose residing in me.

how can i ask for love from another when i am not loving You. how can i ask for loyalty from another when i am hardly loyal to You. we tend to ask for things within others when all we need is You. only You. oh how confused my heart is when it does not know the right way. the right way toward your love, a love so deep, no man or woman can reciprocate. no mother or father can reciprocate. no friend or sister or brother can give back. a love so grand and pure. a love so deep and selfless. a love i can’t wait to hold within me.
—  S.Bashir
27.05.2017