it has been five months since i’ve seen you and even so my heart skips a beat every time i think of you. no, it’s not appropriate. you’re my cousin’s best friend and ten years older than me, and practically my teacher in the way we interacted.
but i can’t help it and i’m sorry but goddamnit, why do you have to look at me like that, like you can see right through my bullshit, my sarcasm and quietness and stubborn refusal to be nice to people? why do you have to laugh at my jokes that no one else finds funny? why do you have to think like me, challenge me intellectually and teach me new things without ever being condescending? surely you know what that means to me. surely you know how much i’m in awe of your kindness and humour, your twinkling eye and how you have a smile for everyone, how you compliment my intelligence and show me how much i still have to learn all in one sentence.
i daydream about it sometimes, you know. fast forward four, maybe five years, when i’m not just another seventeen year old anymore, and i’ll come back from college and stand outside your work in the pouring rain and you’ll come outside and ask me what the hell i think i’m doing, trying to catch my death of cold out there. and you’ll drag me in and make me drink green tea (because you know i can’t bear coffee) and then one thing will lead to another and you will love me back.
it’s not happening. for all i now you’ll be married by then. for all i know, the age gap is too much. for all i know, i may never come back. because you can see that too, can’t you? you can see that now that i’m off my leash, i’m never coming back unless i can help it.
but i would do it for you. you just need to give me the word and i’ll fly right back for you.
i wish i could grab your shoulders and shake you silly till you understand, but i can’t because now it’s too late and i’m all the way on the other side of the world and i’m not coming back.
good lord, the things you do to my brain.
can i forget you and just get on with things?
“i’m trying.” will you laugh this time too?