my jokes are bad i'm sorry

Rogue One drunk headcanons

Chirrut: asks random rebels to hit him as hard as they can, go ahead, he can take it. eventually evolves into “throw random shit at me and watch me deflect it with my staff”. would evolve into “try to shoot me and watch me dodge” if Baze didn’t intervene. makes even more blind jokes than usual (they’re bad).

Baze: drinking competitions. once outdrank everyone on echo base, including a couple of aliens who were twice his size. gets emotional and calls everyone little brother/sister. eventually has to throw Chirrut over his shoulder and carry him away from the party.

Cassian: the mom friend until he himself gets too drunk. scolds his drunk friends and curses a lot in spanish. once got tearful and told K-2SO it was his best friend. “you wanna know what’s really shitty about the Empire? you wanna know what the really, really shitty thing is?”, never finishes the thought.

Bodhi: talks non-stop in a near-incomprehensible slur, goes from happy drunk to sad drunk and back to happy drunk in the span of one minute. must be kept out of the hangar at all costs or he will try to steal an x-wing (this job usually falls to Cassian).

Jyn: thinks she can outdrink everyone. cannot, in fact, outdrink anyone. extreme lightweight. will try to start fights with everyone in sight. once challenged Luke Skywalker to a duel (he declined). passes out two hours into the party, has to be carried out.

K-2SO: is a droid

Happy New Year to all my followers

Carlos spent the whole of New Year’s Day making jokes.

“Babe, I can’t believe I haven’t shaved all year!”

“Cecil, I’m really sorry that this is the only coffee I’ve made you all year.”

“I wonder how Janice is doing… I haven’t seen her since last year!”

Cecil spent the whole day groaning. As the day drew to a close, Carlos suddenly leapt off the couch and ran towards the front door. 

“Where are you going?”, asked Cecil. 

“Ceec!”, said Carlos, looking slightly panicked. “I haven’t done any science since last year! I have to go to the lab right now!”

  • Bickslow: I will shit on everything you love.
  • Lisanna: You'll be shitting on yourself.
  • Bickslow: ...That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me...
7

for the lovely Barzah

   ↳Insp.

10

BEHOOOOOLD, MY UNDERTALE AU.

Weeabootale. The AU where (almost) everyone is a super kawaii weeaboo desu.

This is actually a troll AU. A joke.

I think we can all agree to say that… huh… Undertale has a loooooot of AUs. So I decided to make a joke about it by making a troll AU parodying the cringy undertale fandom- (not that the undertale fans are weeaboos, but… Ya know, bad ships, hypes, undertail and all…. I wanted to parody that.)

Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate AUs. I’m actually in love with some of them (for exemple Horrortale, Underfresh, Undynetale & Jerrytale xD)

And I also don’t want to criticize weeaboos trought this AU. I took this theme absolutly randomly. And since I love parodying animes and all, I thought it would be a good theme for me xD so yeah, if you’re an anime lover, don’t be offenced by this! I don’t hate you! I love you!;3

This introduction comic is so wrong and offencive omg. Please don’t be offenced by this. It’s really all a joke omg don’t kill me.

I guess I forgot the word “offencive” in the introduction gif.

Offencive and gross.

WEEABOOTALE. THE OFFENCIVE AND GROSS AU WHERE THE RESPECT IS DEAD.*explosion*

ok I gotta shut up now. This post is getting too long.

I wasn’t gonna post any weeabootale on tumblr, but since my friend @3demonicangel posted a weeabootale fanart here, I thought I needed to introduce it.xD (PLEASE GO FOLLOW HER!! it’s her birthday today!! ;w;)

btw if you’re wondering, YES, I made everyone in this AU. Everyone.

Even Jerry.

BD


Ah, and sorry for all those english mistakes… I’m french so english isn’t my native language ;w; I was also typing very fast… (for exemple of course I wanted to write “partner” instead or “parnter”….) I’ll try to fix those mistakes asap if I can TT///TT

read from left to right please. As much as it’s “weeabootale”, it’s not writen in the manga order lel.

gif, y u no work on phones. *cries*

anonymous asked:

AM I missing something? How does Charlie's plot have 2 meanings?

I’m gonna preface this by saying I can’t be held responsible for the things I put liveblogging. It’s mostly just a joke and my overreacting, but at the beginning when Charlie and Dennis are talking about/comparing traumas.

Dennis: [Mike] has sex with one disgusting bird…

Charlie: Yeah, yeah

Dennis: That’s not trauma. That’s not real trauma

Charlie:  It’s not even that bad

I get that the point was really talking about “real” trauma and issues, but just the phrasing and timing makes it sound like Charlie is agreeing with the sex with Dee part like ‘yeah yeah, been there’ then continuing with ‘Dee and/or the sex wasn’t bad.’ He’s agreeing with Dennis and playing it off so casually, then seems surprised when Dennis says Charlie’s experienced trauma. It seems like one of those things when two characters are talking about different things, but their conversation fits together anyway, then they’re surprised & confused to learn they weren’t on the same topic. 

If that makes sense. I feel like Dennis does in Charlie Rules the World, when his British accent flops. “In my head, I had it so good”

I’m sorry for people who followed me in the beginning for my aesthetic and are now subjected to this Trashcan™ that is my blog.

Wish I wasn’t so fucking sensitive haha

2

A weird mix of songs that were most definitely written about Jerome.

  • Sinister Kid - The Black Keys
    • “I got a tortured mind and my blade is sharp. A bad combination in the dark. If I kill a man in the first degree baby would you flee with me?”
  • WOW - Marilyn Manson
    • “You thought I’d change after a while and said you better treat me different, or else. Or else seems like a stupid fucking thing to say to someone like me. Someone like me. Wow.”
  • Trouble - Elvis Presley
    • “I’m only made out of flesh, blood and bones but if you’re gonna start a rumble don’t you try it on alone because I’m evil. My middle name is misery.”
  • Blood - My Chemical Romance
    • “The doctors and the nurses they adore me so but it’s really quite alarming ‘cause I’m such an awful fuck. I gave you blood, blood. Gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you could drink and it has never been enough. I gave you blood, blood, blood. I’m the kind of human wreckage that you love.”
  • Slow Motion - Third Eye Blind
    • “Now the cops will get me but girl if you would let me, I’ll take your pants off. I got a little bit of blow we could both get off. Later bathing in the afterglow. Two lines of coke I cut with drano and her nose starts to bleed a most beautiful ruby red.”
  • Psycho - Muse
    • “I’m gonna break you, I’m gonna make you, a fucking psycho. Your ass belongs to me now.”
Either Way | Hoseok Smut

I’m so excited my first requested scenario is about the beautiful ball of sunshine that is Hoseok! I liked this request so much I sat down and finished it in one night. This is my first smut, so please go easy on this prude. XD Hope you enjoy <3

Part 2

Word Count: 3538 words

Genre: semi-angst, smut semi-fluff (so basically the big three) along with cursing and slight violence

Mafia!Hoseok

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

           A sigh escapes your lips as you tap your pencil against your notebook, struggling to keep your eyes open. There were a multitude of books open in front of you, turned to random pages as you tried to get your thoughts together for your seven-page essay on the traditional rise of the west narrative you had been reading within your Modern History class the past four weeks. You were desperate to keep your perfect 4.0, because honestly, that’s all you had going for you. Too shy to join any clubs or sports, you spent your days in the library, concentrated on your studies. Too timid to take on a leadership role within a club? You remedied that with taking a business course. Too quiet to join the only sorority on campus that did volunteer work? You fixed that by volunteering at the library to restock books and read to the preschool class that came occasionally.

Groaning, you dropped the pencil onto the table, and rubbed your face tiredly. Whenever you closed your eyes, all you saw was him. Jung Hoseok. His smile could turn anyone’s day around, and that’s exactly what he did for you. Whenever you had stayed up too late studying and showed up to university ready to collapse from exhaustion, all you had to do was hear him laugh or see his bright smile and you would be wide awake, praying that you got to see or hear him again. His goofy antics and his loud, simply happy voice was the highlight of your day.

You remembered the first time you talked to the perfect junior. You had taken a few advanced courses this year, putting you one year ahead, which meant you were in his year. Though you shared History of Compositions with one another, you had never talked to him before. You had slowly fallen for the larger than life boy who sat four rows over, and two desks in front of you. No; the first time you talked to him was in the library, while you were trying to read to the preschoolers who had come for their monthly trip.

You had just finished asking the kids which story they wanted to hear. After you decided the majority wanted The Rainbow Fish, you saw him. He had a pink book in his hand, standing halfway down a row in the kid’s section, seeming to contemplate it. His dark brown hair that usually was left to flop over his forehead was pushed back under a backwards baseball cap. You swallowed nervously as you watched his perfectly pink lips mouth the title of the book, and you quickly looked back down at the kids in front of you, who were eagerly waiting for story time to start.

You quickly willed yourself to forget about his presence, reminding yourself that he probably wouldn’t even look over here, and if he did, it’s not like he knew who you were. The book went by slowly, the kids (for the most part) listening attentively unless you reached a part that caused the kids to make noises of sympathy or laughter. Once you finished, the teacher came over to collect them after they thanked you. One little girl came up and hugged you, and you smiled down at her and said you looked forward to seeing them next time. Once the kids dispersed, you looked up to see Hoseok leaning against one of ends of the rows of bookcases, the little kid’s book still in his hand. He was looking straight at you, a small smile gracing his blemish free visage. You quickly averted your gaze, feeling your skin heat up, and you decided to focus on straightening up what the kids had messed up.

“Hey.” His light voice came suddenly, startling you out of your thoughts. You straightened after rearranging a few books, turning to him with a small smile on your face.

“Can I help you with something?” You questioned, trying to keep your voice as light as his, thanking God you didn’t stutter. He looked surprised by your question, but smiled nonetheless.

“Oh, I don’t think so.” He answered, shrugging slightly. “You’re in my composition class right?”

It was your turn to return his surprised expression. “Yeah, I am.”

“I’m Hoseok. What’s your name?” I know, you thought to yourself. His smile widened and he tilted his head to the side slightly. God, why does he have to be so cute?

“I’m Y/N.” You answered, bowing slightly in greeting. He returned it pleasantly.

“So do you volunteer here? To read to children?” You didn’t know why he wanted to talk to you, but there was no way you were going to pass up talking to the one person who could light up an entire room with just his dazzling smile.

“I do, every Friday and Saturday.” You looked down to avoid blushing when you noticed his smile made his eyes crinkle in the corners. You finally noticed the book in his hands was for Barbie. “Do you have a little sister?”

This time, his skin turned a bright pink, but he laughed it off. “No, it’s for my children’s art class. We’re supposed to write about a children’s author, but… I’m kind of lost on who to choose.”

“I would recommend Dr. Seuss.” You turned to pluck Green Eggs and Ham off of the “Favorites” section you were standing near. “You’ll probably find his life a lot more interesting than Barbie’s creator.”

 

You remember that day like it just happened. It had been three weeks since then. Ever since that day, he would enter the class you two had together, and sent you a smile and a wave. For the first few days, you were too embarrassed to acknowledge him, and ended up ducking your head whenever he walked in. After the first week, you started to return his smile with a shy one of your own, and you didn’t miss how his smile turned into a grin when you did so.

Beyond that, nothing had happened. You saw him in the library occasionally, but he never saw you. You told yourself you were fine with it, but deep inside you felt a tinge of disappointment. You had been really looking forward to talking to him again. Your best friend had told you that there was nothing stopping you from going up to talk to him-she reminded you constantly that everyone she’s ever talked to about you said you were the sweetest girl. She tried telling you Hoseok would think of you the same way, but your timidness got in the way of you approaching the boy you were hardcore crushing on.

Midnight rolled around, and you finally decided you should probably head home. Since you were a sophomore, you opted to get yourself a little apartment a few blocks outside of campus. You wanted to be far enough away from campus to be away from the kids who focused more on partying than studying, but close enough so you could walk since you didn’t have a car. After you packed up your things, you slung your heavy bag over your shoulder and made your way to the library entrance. The older woman who ran the night shift looked up and smiled.

“Good night, sleep well.” You told her, returning the smile.

“Good night sweetie, good luck on your essay.” She responded, and you waved as you exited the building. The cold air hits you hard, so you zip up the hoodie you were wearing and shove your hands into the pockets, setting a brisk pace for your cozy apartment. The university shuttles stopped running hours ago, and though you could take the public bus, walking from your home to classes and back was all the exercise you got during the day.

As you walked, your mind turned to random things. It was your friend’s birthday next week, so you noted you should stop by the market on your way home from volunteering tomorrow to buy things to make her favorite cupcakes. You could have groaned at realizing the exam you had at the end of the month in your pointless business class, if you didn’t hear one. You froze, hearing angry, low voices ahead. You slid along the wall, not really knowing what to expect. The place outside the university wasn’t the best of places, like many other universities. Despite this fact, you had never witnessed any crimes on your way home.

“Where the fuck is our money, huh?” As you got closer, the voices got clearer. This was the only way you knew you could take home, so you had to pass the entrance of the ally quickly to avoid being seen. Your morals told you you should call the police, but the fear gripping you was telling you just to duck your head and pass on as fast as possible. You did neither of these things.

Peaking your head around the corner, you saw three men standing around a crippled figure leaning against the wall for support. A dark haired boy you couldn’t fully make out was holding a metal bat, and the guy leaning against the wall was gripping his stomach and groaning in pain. He must have hit him. The dark haired boy was turned away from you, while another boy wore a baseball cap pulled down to conceal his features. The last one didn’t wear anything to conceal his face, but you didn’t recognize him.

“Please!” The man gasped out, collapsing onto the concrete floor. “I don’t have it; I just need a little more time!”

The man you could see clearly rolled his eyes, fed up with the man in front of him. “Unfortunately for you, boss wants it tonight. It’s either your money or you.”

The next few things seemed to happen in slow motion. He pulled a sleek black gun from the waistband of his pants, and before you could stop yourself, you gasped. They all turned to you, and what you saw had your blood freezing in your veins. The dark haired man was wearing a black face mask, but that didn’t stop you from recognizing him. Hoseok.

“Someone fucking grab her!” The man wearing the hat hissed, and those four words had you running in the direction of your apartment as fast as you could carry yourself. You heard metal hit the concrete, and knew Hoseok was the one in pursuit of you. You groaned, trying to shrug off your backpack as you ran, so you could lose the extra weight slowing you down. However, this idea was short lived as you felt a hand clamp around your arm, tugging you violently to a stop. You were pulled back into a chest, his hand letting go of your arm to wrap it around your waist firmly. You opened your mouth to scream, but his hand came up to cover your mouth tightly.

“Shh!” Hoseok hissed, his mask now hanging around his neck. There were faint lines where it had been before, but other than that his face was as perfect as always. You looked up at him with eyes wide in fear, but as his tongue darted out to wet his lips, you felt something stir inside of you. “Do you want those guys to come and help me? I can assure you you don’t. If they know I’m not going to hurt you they would come and do it themselves. If you stay quiet I’ll take my hand away, okay?”

“What the fudge Hoseok?” You whispered. Hoseok found himself smiling, amused by your cute way of avoiding cursing at him, even though he knew he deserved it.

“Just…” He sighed, shaking his head. “Let me walk you home. It’s not safe out.”

Despite the situation, you found yourself holding back a laugh. You had just found him and his friends beating the crap out of some guy, and yet you weren’t crying pleading for him to leave you alone. “You don’t say.”

He cracked a grin at your comment, before turning you back in the direction you were running. His hand rested on the small of your back as you led him in the direction of his apartment. Your felt your body heat up when his hand touched your back, and you groaned in your head. Even though your mind was telling you he was dangerous and you shouldn’t associate with someone like him, your body was telling you he was fine as hell and that you should definitely associate with him.

The walk to your apartment was oddly quiet. Hoseok was a naturally talkative person, so you were surprised that he didn’t try to talk to you about compositions or how his essay on Seuss went or even talk about the friends he had left back there. You were silent not only because you were at a loss on what to say, but also because you were fighting back your hormones. Though you were attracted to the cute, happy Hoseok you saw in class every day, the dangerous, dark Hoseok you saw tonight was somehow a major turn on.

Once you made it to your apartment you jabbed your key into the keyhole, trying to control the shaking of your hand. Hoseok wrapped his hand over your own and turned the key, unlocking the door. He pushed it in, his other hand not leaving your back. You looked up at him questioningly, but he just pushed you gently inside. You shuffled in, unzipping your hoodie and throwing it on the couch in the living room, not really knowing why Hoseok was following you in. Was he going to go back on what he said and threaten you? Would he actually try to hurt you-

You were pulled from your thoughts as the door behind you slammed shut, and Hoseok’s warm, wet lips were suddenly pressed firmly to your own, and he was pushing you up against a wall. You moaned out in surprise, every dirty little day dream you had dreamed up in class seeming to come true. He slipped his tongue into your mouth when you moaned. There was no fighting for dominance, because Hoseok immediately demanded it, his tongue massaging and rolling against your own as he took control of your mouth.

“God, I’ve wanted to do that since the first day of classes.” His lips brushed against yours once after he pulled away abruptly, before he was pulling away completely to lift your shirt off of your body. “You always looked so fucking innocent, your face shoved in a book and your cute little skirts… I had a hard-on every time I saw you for the first couple of weeks before I learned to control myself.”

Your shirt was gone, and next he was at the clasp of your bra. He pressed his lips to your jaw, murmuring, “I never made a move because I didn’t want to drag you into this shit. But fuck, if I knew you were going to walk into our business tonight I would have done this a long time ago.”

When his hands pulled away your bra and grasped roughly at your breasts, you finally stirred into action. One hand went to his hair, gripping it lightly as you pulling him in to kiss him desperately. He groaned against your lips, reveling in the feel of your soft skin. His fingers pinched at your now full erect nipples, and you gasped before he rubbed the pads of his thumbs over them. Pleasure was already spiking through your body, traveling down to your core. Suddenly you were pushing his hands away so you could pull of his shirt, and once it was gone his mouth was attached to your neck, sucking and nibbling at your skin. Your head tilted back, your eyes shutting as your hands ran up and down his chest, feeling the planes of his skin and the indentations that marked where his abs were. God, you had wanted this for so long.

You pushed him away, dropping to your knees in front of him. Your hands made quick work of his belt, and you popped the button in his pants before Hoseok was shoving both his pants and his boxers down. His cock sprung free from its confines, already more than halfway hard, a drop of pre-cum seeping from its tip. You wrapped one hand around its base, causing Hoseok to hiss. You looked up at him to see him looking down at you, his eyes half open, and you slowly licked his tip. His eyes closed and his head fell back, so you unhurriedly sucked the entire head into your mouth. You sucked more of him into your mouth, your lips covering your teeth as you slid his length farther into your mouth. You pulled back, starting to bob your head up and down his cock as he let out a groan. One hand went to fist your hair, helping guide you up and down his length at a pace that pleased him. He hips started to buck into your mouth, and once you felt him hit the back of your throat, you pressed your tongue firmly to the underside of his cock.

“Fuck.” Hoseok hissed, his hand tightening in your hair as he gently pulled you up from his length. You felt yourself drip onto your panties as you got back onto your feet, his wrecked expression doing terrible things to you. “I thought you were a good girl, baby.”

“I’ve only been with one man.” He was nothing compared to you.

“And I’ll be your last man.” He groaned, before bringing you in for a heated kiss. You moaned into it, not believing how fast you were turned on by just his words. His hands went down to pop open the button on your pants, before he just pushed them down. You kicked them away, wrapping your arms around Hoseok’s neck as he once again dominated the kiss. The palm of his hand was suddenly pressing against the apex of your legs, rubbing back and forth in a way that had you pulling from his lips to gasp. His fingers dug into your center, and you pressed your thighs together in need. Your hips started to rut against his hand and he smiled, ghosting his lips up and down your jaw.

“What do you want me to do to you, baby?” He asked, taking his hand away to push your panties down. You kicked the away like you did with your pants, this time a blush taking over your features. His hand returned to your center, rubbing over your clit with a finger slowly, but filled with pressure.

“I-” Your throat went dry and you looked away, trying to fight the moan that was threatening to tear through your throat. Hoseok grinned, placing a finger under your jaw, pushing up so you were looking up at him while his finger sunk deeper down.

“Come on, Y/N.” He coaxed, one finger suddenly pushing its way through your folds, entering your heat. He pumped his finger in and out lazily. “You’re so fucking wet for me. When you’re this wet, what do you want me to do?”

“Fuck me.” The words slipped their way through your lips, quiet and mumbled but he still heard. He pressed his lips to yours again, silently reveling in the fact he got his sweet little girl to say such a naughty thing, before pulling his hand from your heat, his hands gripping your hips as he lifted you up and pressed you against the wall. Your legs wrapped around his waist quickly, your body completely ready for him. One of his hands left your hip to grip his cock, rubbing it against your folds. You moaned loudly into his mouth, one hand going to grip his hair tightly again while the other dug into the back of his shoulder. He continued the torturous rubbing for a minute, letting it sink down to your entrance before he pulled himself back up to rub your wetness over his clit.

He sank into you suddenly, causing you to break away from his sinful mouth and let out a gasp that quickly turned into a high-pitched moan. Hoseok leaned forward to capture your lips with his once more, swallowing any further sounds you made as he thrust his hips into you. Every few seconds he gained in speed, his hips slapping into yours roughly, his grip on your hips bound to leave bruises. He felt so good, and your muscles clenched around him every time he pushed himself fully in. The sounds of wet skin hitting wet skin would be enough for a sailor to blush. You clenched around his length, making him hiss as his thrusts turned sloppy. Your orgasm hit you so suddenly your back arched to its limit, your head falling back as you chanted his name. His hit just a few thrusts after, him stilling inside of you as long ropes of cum spurt into your heat.

He held you against the wall for a minute, his head resting against your shoulder. His grip had lessened considerably, and though you knew where he had gripped you would hurt in the morning, you couldn’t bring yourself to care. He pulled out of you after a minute, and before you could unwrap your legs from his waist, he was carrying away from the wall, his arms slipping around your back to support you. He found your room easily, and managed to pull back the blankets before he set you down on top of the bed. You laid back, your breathing still heavy. He squeezed in next to you and pulled the blankets over your bodies. He pulled you back into his body, wrapping one arm around your torso as he buried his face in your hair.

Happy Hobi or dangerous Hoseok, it didn’t matter. You would take him any way he came.