Devil Side - Chapter 2
Summary: The next morning Bucky ends up in your room at the tower. Revelations are made.
Pairings: Bucky x Reader
Warnings: Angst mainly. Some swearing I thin referenced emotional affair
Word count: 1497
A/N: okay I did this on my husband’s phone, so the spacing is terrible. This will be the only chapter this week. Normal schedule will be up and running next week. Happy reading!
“I know you’re awake, (Y/N),” Bucky says softly, his voice restrained, neutral, emotions kept firmly in check. He’s been sitting in an arm chair for the last half hour, staring intently at your apparently sleeping form.
You sigh and sit up, meeting his eyes dead on. Refusing to let the fear you feel rise to the surface, you adopt the persona that had been beaten into you, the one surviving the red room had taught you. Years of training and killing had molded you into a heartless assassin, one who could flirt like a pro, take down a target with a look, have him under your spell in seconds. You could kill without remorse, not a shred of humanity to be found as you stared your victim in the eye.
For the moment, Bucky was simply another mark to be handled.
You regard him coolly, smoothing down the plain cotton sheets which were burrito-ed around you. When you’re satisfied, you place your hands in your lap, cock your head to the side, and wait for him to say something, anything really.
He finally breaks, running a hand through his hair. It was a nervous tick, one he had adopted when he moved into the tower. You’d been assigned to reintroduce him into society, to make sure nothing went awry and it was slow going at first. He would barely speak to you, barely look in your direction. It was nothing, you were unnaturally accustomed to silence, years of being alone, mission after mission, kill after kill had left you uniquely qualified to help Bucky.
You had bonded quickly after he realised that you, too, had been used and mistreated, your identity wiped out, brutalised and sold by your own parents for personal gain, made to murder, your gifts used to bring men to their knees, to topple empires, you had been given the serum and your mental abilities gave you an edge, you could hack a server in five seconds or less, you and Tony often had “competitions” to see who could out code each other, it remained some of your fondest memories.
“I didn’t mean to lose control,” he finally speaks, his eyes pleading.
You raise an eyebrow, throw the covers back, and get out of bed. Striding to the window, looking out at the vibrant city, you envied them their simplicity, having nothing more to worry about than bills and their loved ones. “What happened on the last mission, James?” you ask. Your voice sounds dead to your ears, no inflection, no joy.
He hesitates. “I can’t tell ya, doll. It’s classified.” He almost sounds sorry, but you know him too well.
You can see through the lie. Suppressing the scoff, you turn to face him, dreading the answer to your next question, dreading that your fears would finally be confirmed. “Who is she, Bucky? The woman you replaced me with?”
His face falls, his entire being deflating at the question. Shoulders sagging, he blows out a shaky breath, eyes refusing to meet yours. “Please don’t. Don’t ask me that,” he replies, his head in his hands.
You feel oddly detached, like you’re an observer in your own life as his words cut so deep the pain is almost blinding. There’s a scream bubbling in your throat and the overwhelming urge to knock his ass into the ground, but somehow you manage to keep it together. “Who is she, James? I will find out one way or another.”
He nods, knowing it’s true, gaze trained on the floor. “Her name is Ivanna. She works at a bar in Brooklyn.”
Your breath catches in your throat, your heart threatening to tear itself from your chest. “Did you sleep with her?”
Bucky’s eyes snap to yours, hurt shining in them. He snorts in disbelief, before shaking his head in the negative, like it was a foolish question to ask.
“Is that where you go every night? To her?” you ask, feeling nauseous, sick to your stomach, acid burning its way up your throat.
“Yes” he replies and its then your heart shatters. This was worse, this was so much worse than Bucky sleeping with someone else.
“Do you love her, James? Are you in love with someone else?”
He stands abruptly, the chair he was occupying skidding back and banging off the wall with the force. He takes three long strides toward you coming to a halt as he raises his hand to cup your cheek.
You can’t help but flinch at the action, can’t help the step you take away from him, or the fear that makes its way onto your face.
Bucky drops his hand limply to his side, pure horror on his face. Horror at himself for making you afraid of him, for shattering the trust you had placed in him. He takes a step back, putting distance between you, distance you obviously needed. “No,” he replies. “You’re it.”
You roll your eyes, anger rising full force. “Then what did you talk about? Did you make her promises? Whisper sweet nothings in her ear? Tell her you would be together? Did you tell her your feelings and fears? You stayed out almost every night for two months, Bucky! What did you talk about? What did you promise her?” your speech had started calmly, but by the end you were screaming, banging your fists against Bucky’s chest, angry tears spilling forth. Great heaving sobs are pulled from you, the emotion too much, too intense for you to keep inside.
Bucky takes it, he takes it all, not once trying to stop your onslaught. “I promised her I would leave you. I promised her we would be together, get a small apartment close to the bar. I would quit The Avengers, maybe start a family,” he says, and you can only cry harder.
Sinking heavily to the floor at his words, he remains standing, watching as you fall to pieces at his feet.
“Last night I came home, I saw you on the couch waiting for me again, I saw the hurt on your face, the pain I had caused you, I saw the fear when I lost it, and I realised how much I loved you, how afraid I was of losing you. You ran and I realized what my life would be like without you in it.” He takes a breath before he crouches down.
A family. You couldn’t give him that, your handlers had made sure of it, but how desperately you wanted one with him. How desperately you wanted to be normal, to feel a child in your arms and know you had created something beautiful. That for once your body had not brought death but life was something you wanted, everyday, for as long as you could remember.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. I know this is gonna take work, but I wanna try. Will you let me try?”
You begin to laugh. It’s humorless, but the crying stops, your coldness returns, your hurt and anger get buried somewhere deep where you kept all your disappointments, all the horror your past had brought. You shake your head, your eyes meeting his. “You had an emotional affair, and you want me to brush it off? To try?”
He blinks rapidly at your choice of words, emotional affair, and blanches when he realises what he’s done. Sitting down heavily on the floor, he shakes his head. “I really fucked up,” he states. “Baby doll… I don’t know what to say.”
The quiet that follows his statement is deafening, almost suffocating. It wraps around you like a vice, squeezing the very life out of you. You can’t breathe or think, the pain too much for you to bear.
“Are you going to leave me?” he asks quietly. “Is this over?”
You honestly don’t know. You loved Bucky more than life. The thought of never being with him again sent a wave of nausea through you. The words physically hurt, like a lance through the heart. “I don’t know, Bucky.” You were a mess, your mind jumbled and confused, your entire world had been thrown for a loop. Everything you thought you had, had ripped from you in a span of heartbeats. “I need time away from you. I need to think. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I just… I need time.”
Bucky nods and stands, making his way to the door. “Whatever you need, (y/n). Take as long as you want.” He opens the bedroom door, stopping just as he’s about to shut it again. “I’ll be here waiting, baby, I’ll always be here waiting.”
“I want to believe you, Bucky, I really do but I don’t trust you, not anymore.“ You pause briefly, taking a deep breath before continuing “if you are serious about trying you won’t see her again. You won’t talk to her again. If you do… I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, Bucky. Its either her or me.”
Bucky’s gaze catches yours, his eyes hold an emotion you can’t place, it has dread flaring back to life in your stomach. “I promise. I’ll never see her again.” with that he closes the door, leaving you to rock back and forth on the bedroom floor, silent tears streaming from your eyes, somehow you couldn’t believe him,
Your instincts screaming at you to cut out now and save yourself the pain.
You should have listened.
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