a/n: this is my first writing piece on this account and it is based on the song Killing Me by Jacob Whitesides.I listened to it for the first time today and I instantly fell in love and also got this idea as well. Hope you like it.
WARNINGS: a bit of fighting/angst, swearing
I hate all the fussing and fighting
‘Til we take it to the room and ignite
It’s killing me, killing me, get it? ya killing me
Killing me, killing me, this love’s the end of me
It’s toxic all day, it’s a warfare
Surrendering at night just to go there
Killing me, killing me, get it? ya killing me
Killing me, killing me, this love’s the end of me
He drove me insane. One second I thought I loved him and then the next I felt like my heart was physically being ripped from my chest. Loving him was a sin, a crime, something that shouldn’t be this complicated. It was toxic for both of us, we knew that, but somehow by the end of the fighting, we were wrapped in each other’s arms while breathing heavily and wondering where we went wrong.
He drove me crazy. I thought he loved me the way I did. But whenever I let him back in we are back to square one. He’s messing around with other girl’s and leaving me emotionless on the bathroom floor, a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
But I did love him. That’s the thing. He meant the most to me in this crazy fucked up world. How could the person who you love the most also be the person you wished to walk away?
He cared, that’s the sad part, he cared more than anyone else. He never intentionally started the yelling, it was always me - yelling at him without reason because I was too scared to say my real feelings. And because of that, I watched him prance around with his latest conquests, people he meets through his hectic lifestyle.
I leaned my back against the wall of the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. My mascara was probably smudged all the way down to my chin. My eyes remained glued to the picture of him and some random girl in a club. If only I could tell him how I really felt then he wouldn’t just see me as one of his frequent hookups.
I hated the fighting so why was I always the one to light the match?
A light tapping knock appeared at the front door of my apartment. I knew it was him. He always came over after big events or parties, usually to unwind or because taking someone home was too obvious to the paparazzi so he came here for a release. I stood quickly, tucking my phone into the back pocket of my jeans and walked over to the mirror. Just as I thought, my mascara had traveled down from my eyes to my chin. I tried to wipe away as much as possible before rushing out of the room and towards the door.
On the other side of the door, he’d be there, dressed in his suit from this after party and his breath would be slightly reeking of vodka. I sucked in a deep breath then swung the door open, revealing a well dressed Shawn. His white shirt under his classic black blazer was unbuttoned and his tie was gone.
“Why are you here?” I asked cautiously, trying to avoid eye contact, hoping that he wouldn’t see my bloodshot eyes and smudged makeup.
“Hey,” he cooed softly. “What’s wrong?”
There it is. He cared too much for me yet we fought, we screamed, and we always made up under the covers without actual words or feelings. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was killing me.
“Nothing. You should go home, you must be tired from the event.” I struggle to say, finally letting my eyes wander up to his to see his eyes soften at the look of my tear-stained face.
“Well, I’m not going to leave now. You’re upset about something and I want to make sure you’re okay.” He said sweetly.
I wasn’t able to protest before he pushed the door open wider and strolled past me. My breath huffed out of my chest while I closed the door. This is what I was afraid of happening, I didn’t want him to tempt me because my emotions were too wild for him to be in front of me. I knew that his kind words and touches were going to make me cave, and tonight I just wanted him to get out of my life. It was killing me.
I slowly walked into the living room where he was standing. His eyes were looking around the room like he was searching for some sort of clue as to why I looked like a mess. He spotted my coffee table where I had multiple bottles of half drank water, a bag of chips, and an opened bag of gummies.
“Really, Shawn, I think you should go home,” I repeated and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Y/N,” he breathed out, his eyes still looking at the mess of my living room. Besides the food, there were blankets tossed over the couch without a care in the world. I was slightly embarrassed because he’s never seen this side of me before, the emotional side.
“I don’t want to hear it,” I snapped. “I rather be alone right now, okay? Go find someone else to mess around with tonight because it won’t be me.”
“Y/N” He repeated, this time sounding shocked.
“No, don’t act surprised. I am done with this, can’t you see it’s hurting me? We only care about each other when we are under the sheets.”
“That’s not true,” Shawn said. “And you know it.”
“If it isn’t true then why did you come over tonight, Shawn? I mean we haven’t talked all day, no texts or calls. But the second night time comes around you want a simple fuck. I’m not going to be that person for you anymore. It’s killing me.” I yelled, so hard that my chest ached as the last words left my lips.
Shawn took a few steps towards me but I took a step backward. The thing that hurt the most was the look on his face. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved somebody and seeing his face drop with my words was like a knife in the chest.
“It’s not just a simple fuck, Y/N.” He slowly says, his eyes staying locked on mine.
“Then what the fuck is it?” I shouted, my arms uncrossing and flopping at my sides angrily.
Shawn gulped and lowered his gaze to the ground. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” he began. “At first we were just hooking up, messing around when no one was looking and it was fun. I don’t know what happened but after the few weeks, you never left my mind. I tried to erase you with all the other hookups and maybe I was trying to drive you away because I didn’t have the power to leave myself. But the point is that you’ve never left my mind and I can’t stop thinking about your lips and your laugh. It’s making me insane, I’m sure of it.”
I stood there, frozen in place. He’s never poured that much emotion into his words while talking to me before.
“And then we end up fighting because both of us are too fucking stubborn to admit that we have feelings. It’s easier to get out our feelings by screaming than it is to say I love you.” He continued, this time I let him step closer to me with each word.
“I love you.” I find myself whispering as he finally stands directly in front of me, his hand slowly finding mine and interlacing our fingers.
“It seems like I’ve been waiting forever to hear that,” he said and smiles down at me. His smile spreading wider on his face when I feel myself smiling as well. “And I love you too. I think I always have.”
His lips moved painfully slow down to mine and as they connected I could feel my body lighting up in the kind of fire I’ve never felt before. Whenever we’ve kissed before I could feel the rushed nature and the anger from our screams only seconds before. But now, every angry feeling towards Shawn was wiped clean and his lips guided mine at a slow pace. A slow pace that made my knees weak and my mind go completely, utterly blank.
“We’ll work through this.” He mumbled against my lips.
I nodded and felt another smile form on my lips.
“Just keep kissing me,” I said, pulling on the back of his neck and letting our lips meet once again.