my heart my feels my everything

Wicked Game ~ Peter Parker

Summary: Peter Parker’s best friend falls in love with him and holds back her feelings until she can’t take it anymore, but Peter’s heart is already taken by another.

word count: 1,420

Warnings: Angst, couple swears

Based on the song Wicked Game by Ursine Vulpine

Peter Parker was the perfect boy. He was smart, handsome, clever, and kind. Everything

I look for in a guy. I mean I shouldn’t be so surprised I fell in love with him. He’s basically a Disney prince, but ten times more charming. I’ve been friends with Peter since I was 3 years old. Our parents had worked together until they passed away. I confronted him through everything, I was even the first person he told about how he became Spiderman. I was the person who held him after his Uncle Ben died. I was there for everything. Which made me think I had a chance  I was a fool to think Peter actually had feelings for me.

———————

“Y/n come on we have to get to class” I heard Peter exclaim.

“Yeah whatever, school sucks” I giggled chasing after him since he had gotten ahead. I walked into the school which had definitely changed over night. There were homecoming posters and decorations.

“Are we still on for watching Lord of the Rings tonight Pete?” I asked as we stopped at my locker. As I was twisting the lock I felt Peters breath on my neck.

“As soon as I’m done fighting crime I’ll be over” he whispered sending shivers down my spine.

“Okay,” I said so quietly I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear me.

“Peter let’s go,” I said turning around, but he was already gone and talking to Liz which made my blood boil.

“And again I’m talking to myself because of her,” I said under my breath my voice laced with annoyance. I curled my fists in a ball. The way he looked at her made me so angry and I don’t know why. He’s just my best friend. Nothing else and that’s period. Right?  I walked away from the scene not wanting to witness anything else. At this point, I just want to go home. I could feel my heart ache all day, but why? I can’t be mad at Peter for talking to other girls I’m not the only person in his life. We’re just best friends. I’m just wondering why it hurts so much.

I went through my classes until the final bell finally rang. I let out a sigh of relief and practically ran out the door. I’m 110% sure I don’t want to deal with Peter right now. So I may or may not have run home. Okay, I did, but I mean at least I actually got exercise instead of having my head buried in a book or laptop. I got my keys out of my backpack and as I was turning the lock I heard Peter talking to Ned. It really sucks when the person you’re trying to avoid lives in the same apartment as you. I opened the door and scrambled into my apartment faster than humanly possible and darted to my bedroom. Truthfully I just wanted to be alone. Usually, I come home wanting to read a book, but all I wanted to do is watch sappy romances and cry. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I felt single tears slide down my face when I heard a knock on the window making me jump and fall out of my bed. I quickly wiped the tear from my eye going to the window and opening it up so Peter could get in. All of the sudden everything was better just seeing his goofy smile warmed my heart and for a split second

I forgot he was even the reason I’m so upset. My world was burning down because of this boy, yet he was the only one who could save me. I flopped down on my bed looking at the ceiling.

“Why have you been avoiding me all day”? He asked

“I am not”

“I literally saw you run from the school I’m pretty sure faster than I can run” he laughed

“Well maybe I just wanted to work out”

“Since when do you work out” he laughed

“Oh my god stop” I giggled grabbing a pillow and whacking him with it.

“Ow seriously,” he said laughing.

“Don’t you have spidey things to do?” I asked

“You seemed upset so I’ll skip it for tonight, I don’t think Queens will go to hell if I take a night off” That sentence melted my heart. He was taking off because I was upset. This boy is literally going to be the death of me. I didn’t realize how close we were. I was staring right into his beautiful brown eyes and all I wanted to do was kiss him. Wait no why would I want to kiss my best friend. I was mentally freaking out so, I quickly sprung off my bed.

“I have to the bathroom” I squeaked, practically running to the bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and immediately shoved it closed and locked the door making sure I heard the click to know it was locked. I went to the sink looking in the mirror. I had this strange feeling to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him. The amount of desire I have for this boy is driving me insane. That’s when it all made sense. I was in love with Peter Parker. He was literally my dream boy. I would have never thought I meet someone like him, But I couldn’t lose him over a simple crush. If love is just a simple crush. My cheeks were flushed red from embarrassment so I swiftly turned on the faucet and splashed water in my face. The cold water wasn’t enough. I grabbed the nearest towel and wiped my face off and then threw it back onto the sink. I sluggishly walked back to my room trying to think of an excuse of why I was freaking out. Why did I have to fall in love? Especially with him. I don’t want to be in love with my best friend. I don’t have a chance so all I can do is a dream, but how long can dream until I go completely insane. I gradually opened the door to find Peter gone. I saw a note lying on the bed. So much for him spending the night with me.

Mr. Stark called it’s super important. I’m so sorry I had to leave. Have a great night Y/N, love Peter

What kind of game is this boy playing? Is he trying to make me fall in love with him? Well if that was the game he won. I grabbed the paper and ripped it in half. I wanted to scream. I was so angry. I was furious. I was so in love with him. Simple crush my ass. I’m drop dead head over heels for Peter. I left the torn up paper on the bed and moved my way over to the bed. I got under the covers, and that’s when I lost it. I was bawling. It was uncontrollable. I swiftly jumped out of my bed. I needed fresh air. I opened up my window and climbed up the fire escape to the roof. I did this when I was upset about something. Now thinking about it. The times I went up here are all because of Peter Parker. Who thought the best thing in my life could cause me so much pain. I sat there, taking deep breaths finally calming myself down. I sniffled wiping the tears from my face.

“Y/N why are you crying” I heard from behind me, scaring the hell out of me. Why does this boy insist on trying to be with me when he the reason for all my problems, but I had enough of it.

“You, I’m so in love with you, and I can’t have you, It took me a long time to realize, but I love you okay, now can you please go away or tell me you feel the same way” I practically screamed leaving him speechless.

“Y/N I-I”

“What Peter just say it,” I said quietly

“I just asked Liz to homecoming” he murmured, and that’s when I felt my heart drop. Why did I fall in love with Peter Parker?

Part 2 maybe ndjwfjkwj

How to Love Like Us (Ethan x Reader)

Description:  Ethan is asked to join his ex for a sit down video for a YouTube channel where they are instructed to ask each other about their relationship.  As they move through their conversation, travelling through the past, a question comes up that has yet to be discussed.  The response Ethan receives is one he never expected.

Word Count: 2,862

Warnings: Talk of depression. Language.

 A/N: This is based off of YouTube videos such as Hurt Bae and other couple one on one interviews with each other.  Thank you to @scuteedolans for encouraging me with writing this piece.  In this Ethan is about 20-21 years old.  I hope you enjoy it!


 Your POV:

It had been 6 months since I had last seen him.  I knew that we were about to enter the room at the same time to sit in those chairs, face to face, with nothing just a stack of questions and never-ending eye contact.  Sat in the center of a nearly empty room were two, tall director’s chairs set so that we would be across from each other.  A couple cameras were set up to record with the camera men standing behind them, just waiting for us to take our places.

I never thought that I would be in one of these “exes ask questions’ videos, but when I was told that Ethan was asked to do one, I felt like I at least owed it to him after the way we left off, so reluctantly I agreed to do it with him.

           “Y/n, are you ready?” I turned to face the producer who had set this whole thing up.  I’m sure my eyes were filled with fear and hesitancy.

           I took a deep breath and nodded my head.  Was I actually ready to face him?  Did I have enough time to prepare myself for what was to come?  I wasn’t told ahead of time what these questions were going to be.  It was obvious that there would be questions that would catch me off guard or would be ones that I didn’t want to answer, but I signed the form that I would be completely honest and open throughout the whole thing.

           “Is Ethan in place?” she said as she pressed the ear piece closer, waiting for the answer.  “Okay, perfect, let’s get ready.” She placed her hand on my shoulder, “You’re going to do great.  We can take breaks when needed and you don’t have to ask to get up.” Her hand gave me a quick squeeze.  “Do you need a tissue?” she handed it to me without waiting for my response.

           I looked at my feet the whole time I walked to my seat, too many thoughts racing through my mind for me to comprehend.  Once I was standing next to the chair, I looked up to meet Ethan’s eyes.  He looked at me with a warmth that made my heart skip a beat the same way it did the first time he ever looked at me.

           We both picked up the notecards from our seats before finally sitting down.  It took me a solid 30 seconds to adjust in my seat whereas it only took Ethan a moment to find a comfortable position.  He tapped his cards against his thigh to straighten them up, his eyes still trained on mine.

           “Would you like me to go first?” he asked quietly.

           “Yes, please.” My voice could hardly be heard. It was like my voice had caught up in my throat.

           “Okay.” He lifted the first card, reading it to himself before sharing it with me.  A small smile formed at the corner of his lips, “How did we first meet?” he placed the card at the back of the stack.

           I laugh a bit at the memory, “We were both at Best Buy.” He flashed a toothy smile, “You and Grayson were looking for a new camera while I was looking for a new lens.”

           “Grayson was doing all of the work while I was taking pictures of myself on each camera.” Ethan filled in the next part, shaking his head at himself.

           “You kept trying to take selfies with me in the background to make me feel uncomfortable, but it didn’t work.” I added, thinking back to that day.  I had noticed Ethan moving from camera to camera, turning it toward his face and snapping picture after picture.

           “And you,” he pointed right at me, “finally posed for a picture.  You flipped me off in the background.” He broke out in a small fit of laughter.

           I nodded, “I did.  You deserved it.”

           “You’re right I did.” He paused before nodding at the cards in my hands.

           Flipping the top one over I read it aloud without taking a look for myself.  I figured that it would be a better idea to just get it out.  “Did I ever do anything that made you question whether we were supposed to be together or not?  If so, what was it?”  The question rolled off my tongue much easier than it would have if I had read it in my head first.

           A frown formed on his face, his eyebrows knitting together.  He was taking a while to respond and it was making me more nervous than it probably should have.  “Nothing you ever did made me question us being together.  You were everything I hoped for and more.”

           My lips tightened, folding in as I tried to fight back the emotions I was feeling.  He said it in such a light tone, but the hurt that was in his eyes made my heart want to explode.  I tried to find the words to respond with, but there it was like fireworks, response after response exploding in my mind but fizzling away all too soon.

           Before I could even say anything he read his next card, “If you could describe our sex life in 3 words, what would they be?” I was surprised at how well he held it together as he asked.  I knew that he wanted to explode with laughter by the playfulness in his eyes.

           I bit my lip to suppress my grin, “Amazing, loving, and…” I tapped my chin, “adventurous.” I absent mindedly played with a piece of hair that was brushing against my face.

           “Oooh, adventurous!” he wigged his eyebrows and shoulders at the same time.  I immediately hid my face in my hands, embarrassed yet amused by his response.  “Don’t be so shy!” he leaned forward and gently hit my leg with his cards.

           “I can’t help it!” I argued, pulling out my next card, “What’s your favorite memory of us?”

           “Oh I don’t even have to think about this one!” he clapped his hands together.  “My favorite memory is the time we went on the jet ski and I let you drive it for the first time ever.  It was only a minute in and you knocked us into the water!”

           “I was so excited!  Guess the excitement got the best of me.” I giggled like a school girl.

           He shook his head, laughing, “When we came up we realized that you flooded the engine somehow so we had to swim it back to shore which took like a half hour.”

           “Then we got to the dock and you refused to help me out until I admitted that it was all my fault.  So when you finally helped me out I pushed you back in.”

           “And you told me it was out of love.  And I just knew, that I couldn’t let you go that day. I’ve never felt the way you made me feel.” He laughed, throwing his head back.  “God, no one could love the way we loved.  No one knew how to love like us.”

           “We did have an epic love.” I admitted, wishing I could relive all the moments we shared.

           “Next question.  What was your first impression of me?” he raised an eyebrow.

           I shrugged, “That you were a goon.  A cute goon, but a goon none the less.”

           “You loved every bit of this!” he held his hands out as if to say, ‘look at me’.

           I shook my head, heat rising to my cheeks.  “Let’s move on.  Are you in a relationship now?” my chest tightened.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer, but the question had already been asked and there was no taking it back.

           “No.” he answered.  Short, sweet, and to the point.  “Are you?” he retorted.

           “That’s not your question to ask, it’s mine.” I raised my brows at him.

           “So you are.” He deadpanned.

           “No.  I haven’t talked to any other guy since you.  But it was my question to ask, so…” I made a childish face, placing the card at the back of the stack.

           He chuckled, “Always have to be sarcastic don’t you?”  I shrugged in response, “I miss your sarcasm.”  We both got silent.  He immediately looked down at his next card, “What was your favorite thing about me?

           “Your smile.” I responded.  “Your smile when you were excited, your smile when you were happy, your smile when I told a horrible joke, when we rode rollercoasters, when we were at comedy movies.  The way you smiled for me when I was sad and when I needed courage.  You’re smile whenever we were together.  I love your smile.”

           He purposely grinned from ear to ear.  He kept moving his head back and forth to make sure that I saw each angle of his infamous smile.  Of course I laughed because almost everything he does makes me feel an unexplainable joy that was unique to only him.

           “You were the reason I smiled.” Of course he had to pull on my heart strings a little more.  I was already feeling numerous different emotions and his actions and comments were only making those feelings stronger.

           “You were the reason I smiled.” I answered truthfully. Again we shared a moment of silence before moving on.  “What is the one thing you regret about our relationship or regret not doing during it?” I asked.  Why did these questions have to go so deep?

           His head turned to the side, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.  He kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t get himself to turn to me.  I let him take his time; I didn’t want to rush him.  “I regret not telling you I loved you more.  You deserved more ‘I love yous’.  I wish I would have told you how much I love you every second of every day.”

           The tears finally started to well up in my eyes as he finally looked at me.  The Kleenex that had been sitting on my lap was now in my hands, ready to soak up any tears when they finally fell.  He had seen me cry enough already during the breakup, I didn’t want him to see me cry again.

           I pushed myself up from the chair, setting the cards down on the seat.  My feet carried me out of the view of the camera and off set.  Ethan didn’t follow me, he remained in his seat, his head turned back to the side again, only this time his eyes were focused on the floor. I could feel my heartrate picking up and my breathing going deeper than it had in the past 6 months.  My hands were covering my face as I took the time to collect myself.  It was a solid 3 minutes before I built up the courage to return to my seat.

           “Sorry for making you wait.” I mumbled as I returned to my position.

           He shrugged, “It’s okay, you needed a break. I didn’t mind.  I’ll always wait for you.”

           I tried to ignore his comment because there was only so much more I could take before I had a full on meltdown.  “It’s your turn.” I gestured towards the final card in his hand.

           “Oh, yeah.” He whispered.  “Okay, my last question is… Why did we break up?” his voice trailed off at the end.  “I don’t even know the answer to this question; you broke up with me and never told me why.” The curiosity in his voice was almost over shadowed by the pain.

           When we broke up there were so many things going on in my mind and when I made the decision I just left him with only a few words spoken and a thousand tears shed.  He deserved more than that but I was too much of a coward to tell him the reason.

           “I… I broke up with you because… I just…” I stuttered through my words.  I never thought the day would come where we would be sitting face to face with nowhere to run, and I would be forced to answer this question.  “I broke up with you because I wasn’t okay.  I was filled with a sadness that couldn’t be lifted.  It weighed heavy on my heart.  There were things that were going on in my life that I didn’t share with you because I know how easily worried you get.  I was just so sad.”

           “I could have helped you.  Why didn’t you tell me?  We could have worked through it together!” his voiced raised a bit but not too much.

           “Ethan…” I took a deep breath.  “Ethan, you were the only thing that could make me happy, but when you were gone my world got darker.  Do you know how scary that is?  How scary it is to know that you are depending on one person to bring happiness into your life?”

           “If you would have told me…”

           I cut him off, “If I would have told you that would have put pressure on you.  Pressure that you didn’t deserve.  I needed to learn to be okay on my own.  I can’t depend on someone all my life.  It was up to me to choose the path, it was up to me to choose recovery, and it was up to me to let you continue on your journey without me holding you back. There were many times I wanted to call you.  I wanted to tell you what was going on.  I wanted to ask you to rescue me.  But I had to be my own hero.”

           He ran his hand through his hair, a frazzled sigh leaving his mouth.  “What happened?” he whispered.

           “I was depressed.  At first I thought that there must have been something to trigger it, but there wasn’t. Sometimes people just get sad and there’s no explanation.  I started to pick apart everything in my life.  I wasn’t happy with the way I looked.  I was constantly searching for flaws on myself; it was almost an addiction for me.  I hated my job.  I chose to do what my parents wanted me to do.  I’m an accountant!  I fucking hate numbers!  I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to tell the stories built up in my imagination!  I wanted to tell our story!  And… I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.” Once I finished I took a deep breath.  I closed my eyes so that I could just breathe.  The silence allowed me to hear my own heartbeat, my pulse pounding in my head. I could hear Ethan’s breathing. It was a sweet rhythm that brought me peace faster than anyone else could.

           “You were always enough for me.” I felt his hand take mine in his.  “You are always going to be enough for me.”

           “But in my head I wasn’t even enough for myself.” I made eye contact with him.  “And I deserve to be enough for myself.”  I turned his hands over and traced the lines imprinted in them.

           “How do you feel now?” he asked, his eyes watching my fingers dance against his skin.

           I smiled, “These past 6 months I’ve been working on myself. A big part of it goes into my writing. I’m almost done with the first draft. I’m happier now.  It’s a work in progress, but there have been many successes.”

           “I’m happy that you’re feeling better and I’m happy you’re writing again.” He encouraged me, “I hope you continue to do so.”

           “I haven’t finished it quite yet…” I lifted my fingers from his hand, leaning back against the chair.  He leaned back as well, looking hurt that I pulled away.  “There’s one more question by the way.”

           “Hit me.” He said, tapping his hands against his legs.

           “It says… Do you still love me?” my hands tightened around the card.  “You don’t have to answer that.”

           He held up his hand, “I will always love you.  You were my world.”

           “And you were my world.”

           We sat there, eyes connected, voices off.  The workers dimmed the lights around us, leaving us in a peaceful darkness.  The cameras were turned off, all of the room was silent.  I stood up and Ethan mirrored my actions, our eyes still trained on each other’s.  He stepped forward, his hand sliding up my neck, delicately pulling me closer to him. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine.  I could hear the shuffling of feet carrying the camera men away, leaving us two alone.

           “God, I’ve missed you.” He whispered.  I could feel his warm breath against my lips.

           “And I, you.” My fingers lifted and played with the hair at the nape of his neck.

           “Please, come home.” I could feel his thumb moving in circles against my skin.

           “Okay.” I whispered, lifting my head a bit.

           “I told you.  I’d always wait for you.” He kissed me softly, whole heartedly, and gently. And although I never quit loving him, I somehow managed to fall even more in love.


..

sit next to me (Tom Holland Imagine/One Shot) a/n: loosely based on the song 'sit next to me' by foster the people

Zendaya owed me big time-not just because I hauled myself off my sofa to make an appearance at her birthday party but also because I could be using this valuable time to watch Netflix. And obviously, Netflix ditching equalled true friendship.

I smiled through our friends, hugging and kissing cheeks until I was finally face to face to the newly 22-year-old goddess.

“You came.”

“Like you gave me a choice.”

She side-stepped Jacob and Harrison and allowed me scoot into one of the booths. Not bothering to check who I was going to be squeezed next to for the next couple of hours, I sat down and regretted my decision immediately.

Because there he was- brown haired, golden skinned and smiling.

I wiped my sweaty palms on my trousers and tried not to bolt.

Looking up I could see Zendaya’s gaze flicker to mine before she left my side.

Some friend she was-leaving me with the ex I was still in love with!

I cleared my throat and was just about to pull out my phone to pretend I was busy, when I heard him. He cleared his throat. My attention diverted to him almost instinctively, still so conditioned to respond to him.

“Want a drink?”

I nodded. I knew if I stayed beside him for too long, we would fall into the same old pattern-ignore each other, deny the sexual tension and then end up leaving as quickly as possible. Leaving me a frustrated mess and him, running a hand through his hair just like he was now. In the dim lighting, it flickered from gold to amber to shades of scarlet. I really wanted to run my fingers through the softness and tug at the roots, making him moan like he used to when we were together.

Tom gestured for a drink with his muscular arm raised and then dropped it down to rest on the edge of the table. From where I was, I could see the scar on his right ring finger from a failed attempt at making a birdhouse with Paddy. And I could see that I needed to stop staring.

The atmosphere around us was vibrant. There was loud music blaring-probably some obscure pop band like Neiked that I didn’t recognize. Zendaya and the rest of our friends pretended they weren’t spying on us but they were doing a terrible job of it. Tony, bless his heart, was still as clueless as ever.

I turned back to staring at my hands, heart racing, body dying to run. From the corner of my eye, I knew he was looking at me. He used to do the same thing when we were together and I missed it.

I missed him. I missed his dumb sexual jokes and I missed him making us tea. I missed being in his presence. I missed him smiling at me. But most of all, I think what I missed most was his lips against mine-kissing and kissing till we were so out of breath, we felt lightheaded.

The drink arrived just as I built up the courage to look him in the eyes. I grabbed the glass and chugged it down. Wiping my mouth, I turned to Tom, who was looking at me. His fingers wrapped around a stray strand of hair and tucked it behind my ear. He was leaning in, one arm draped around the back of the booth and the other on the table in front of us.

This is a bad idea.

This is a very bad idea.

“Hey guys! How’s it going?”

Startled, I nearly jumped back. Zendaya smirked, knowing very well what had she had interrupted. I cleared my throat and stepped out of the booth, excusing myself. She shrugged and left to re-join our friends. I took the opportunity to slip out and zig-zag past the hordes of people who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

Jesus, this girl was popular.

When I had almost made my escape, I heard him once more. It was truly astounding that even in the midst of so many voices, his could reach me so easily. It was as if he was talking inside my head and not in a crowded pub.

“Hey.”

He said, making me turn around. Standing there, it hurt so much to notice how perfectly we would fit together right then if we only reached out a few inches. But we didn’t. Instead, we stood watching each other.

“Hey.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

I yelled over the new song blaring over the speakers. Only the throbbing base of EDM could apparently drown out the imaginary voices in my head.

“I’M SORRY!”

I heard him-clear as day, clear as crystal.

“I fucked up, darling. I fucked up so badly.”

His hand cupped my cheek and my heart sped up. I swallowed hard, trying not to let my apprehension show. I sighed as my back pressed against the wall behind me. Knowing full well that he didn’t deserve to be forgiven, he didn’t even deserve to be talked to, I did the one thing I’d been wanting to all night. I slipped my hands through his soft hair and tugged him lower.

Our lips met softly. First just a gentle peck but then I kissed him with all of the feelings bubbling inside of me. I kissed with anger and passion and love and everything in between. I kissed him to make him understand how hurt I was, how broken he’d made me feel and how in the end, it didn’t matter. Because I wanted him. I wanted him so goddamn much.

Tom had just moved his hands to my waist when I could hear loud hollering in the back. We parted, more than a little startled and found Tony, Zendaya, Harrison and Laura on the top of the pub’s counter-cheering.

“Wooohooo!”

“Get it girl!”

“Show her how it’s done, TOM!”

Embarrassed, I ducked my head down. But he laced his fingers with mine and asked,

“Sit next to me?”

I nodded, looking up at him and hoping I never had to look away again.

Out of my Head of my Heart of my Mind part 2

It was a day where you could SEE the heat. A day where the hue of everything was brighter, lighter; washed out, even. It was an awful day. The day Dark let it sink in that he could never die. That he would one day have to watch his one true love, Anti, die. If he were to ever love again, he would have to watch them die, too. It would be an endless cycle of watching everyone he knew perish…and what to do, then? Become emotionless? 

He wanted to feel the pain of death. 

He held Anti’s power limiter in his hand…and before he realized what he had done, he glanced at his clenched hand…at the crushed limiter, bits of dust from it flowing in the summer wind. Oh what had he done? 

Anti fell to his knees, eyes becoming black. “Wh-why?” He couldn’t help but snarl. His claws grew. He tried so hard to fight back, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

And in an instant, he pounced. Dark didn’t even see him move; he blinked and Anti was on top of him, ripping his heart out with joy, a toothy grin from ear to ear. Dark felt every bit of the pain; wasn’t this what he wanted? He turned to ash; berserk Anti was confused; where was his victim? 

Dark reformed, skipping the bird phase. Anti repeated, ripping into Dark’s chest with his teeth. 

Again and again. 

Dark died over. And over. 

Get used to it. Dark thought. Become numb. This is the only way. 

But how am I going to get Anti back?


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*
Sorry for such a short one, ya’ll! Sometimes you just wanna get a quick one out, ya know? Love y’all! 

I want to heal, I guess.

I want this war to quiet itself in my chest, my heart can no longer handle being the only casualty, the only wounded survivor. I am ready for my thoughts to silence themselves, I am going crazy from feeling everything all at once that it feels akin to nothing. My nerve endings are shot from firing all the time - the sun reaches my skin and I shiver at the cold.

Somewhere along the line I must have broken my spine without noticing it. I am numb to the things I carry, all the broken pieces and burdens do not register anymore. They are heavy enough that I could walk into water and drown but I am not certain I’d find the will to swim.

I am weak in the face of my wounds. I soothe over them with rough hands. I hurt to feel better.

I ache to heal, to be gentle, to forgive myself for the wreckage that never found a home. I want to open my doors and let it in, I want to pour it tea and let it belong for the first time in all of its wretched life.

I want to lay my heart to rest and sing it to sleep with the song of peace. I yearn for the day when my brain can whisper to it and the words are like falling water instead of the unforgiving bite of a blade. I want to stand with open palms, I want the sun to pour into them so much so that I can press it against my heart and radiate its warmth to the world around me.

I want to understand my pain and carry it in willing arms instead of letting it break my shoulders. I can be more kind to it that way, I can keep it safe.

I am ready to begin again, like the first stitching of an injury. I will pull myself together at the seams of my soul. I will continue until I am whole again.

“I had this vague notion that one day I might be editor of ‘Vogue China.’ It was a bizarre ambition, as I didn’t speak a word of Chinese. There were flaws in my plan, admittedly.”

  • Me, to other people: It's okay if you don't feel inspired for a little while. Just give yourself some time, don't put too much pressure on yourself, and you'll break out of it.
  • Me: *doesn't write for 3 days*
  • Me, to myself: you are literal trash
10

Twelve Days of Twelve: July 18th: Team TARDIS

A relationship in all its forms, in the combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.

Maybe it was your brown eyes. Maybe it was your scent, maybe it was your hands, they were so common, but so original.
You were my happy place, you were my safe haven, you were my home.
But I guess, we move houses sometimes because of leaks and cracks, and it wasn’t the home that were damaged, it was my heart, it was my feelings for you, it was everything.
—  Excerpts from a book I’ll never write.
Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.
—  Drake
He is still in my heart, you see. I’ve tried everything to cut him out, but he is in there like a rusted lock and I feel so sick, like I’ve unnoticeably swallowed the key. I fear he might rot in there, that he has hijacked my heart for the rest of eternity.
—  Quote from my journal, 28 June 2017