Original #13: I Didn’t Mean To Kill Stan
Note: This story includes sensitive adult themes.
I really didn’t. Why would I? Stan was my best mate. We’d been friends since high school.
I hadn’t meant to kill him. I just wanted him to shut up. All I did was tap him on the head with my hockey stick, for crying out loud. And then down he went, making a mess along the way. Crashing into stuff, grabbing onto furniture. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to clean up all that blood?
Anyway, like I said. Stan was my man. He was my homie, my bromie, my Steve Buscemi. I trusted him with my life. But just now, when I left my room to get a drink, I come back and what the hell do I see? Stan was messing around my laptop. Just clicking on shit and looking at my personal stuff. So right there, it was clear that Stan was in the wrong.
And then what happens? He goes absolutely insane. He starts yelling and calling me names and demanding explanations about some pictures I got on my laptop. In my own house! I tell him to calm down but he wasn’t having any of it. So I did what I gotta do. I shut him up. Maybe a tad too enthusiastically, but it was an honest mistake. Killing him, I mean.
I know what you’re wondering about right now. What pictures?
I’ll come clean, alright? They were pictures of Stan’s sister, Stephanie.
But, look – it’s not weird. I’m dating her. I’m her boyfriend. So naturally, I’m going to have some pictures of her in my laptop. But Stan doesn’t understand. He’s a great guy, but we don’t see eye to eye on some things. Like Steph.
I first met Steph a year ago. I was at Stan’s crib, just hanging and chatting when this absolute babe walked past the living room. I mean, she was so sexy. Va-va-vroom and all that. The way she moved, the way she carried herself, she had such an air of confidence that impressed me right away.
I knew I had to have her.
But I knew I had to take it slow. I had to gain her trust. Turn on the charm, make her fall back in love with me. So that was exactly what I did. Whenever I was at Stan’s place, I would drop in to Steph’s room and say hello. Gradually she become more comfortable around me, and our conversations grew longer. I learned about her hobbies, her favorite music, her favorite TV shows, and all that.
I also learned that she loved ice-cream. So on our very first date, I brought her out to this really classy ice cream parlour downtown. Bought her her favorite flavour – chocolate chip, in case you’re wondering. After that, we went to the theatre and watched this movie that she had really been looking forward to. It was a great date.
But here’s the thing about Steph. She’s a lovely lady, but she’s very conservative. She doesn’t like, shall I say, the hanky panky business that relationships usually entail. I tried to cop a feel one time on one of our dates and she didn’t go for that at all. Said she wasn’t comfortable.
Here’s what you gotta know about me. I’m a gentleman. If my lady is no ready, then I’ll do the waity. I respected her preferences and our dates remained purely verbal. No tactile movements at all.
But here’s another thing you gotta know about me. I’m a dude. I have needs and desires. So if my lady wasn’t gonna give me action, I gotta get them from somewhere else. But I didn’t wanna cheat on Steph too, so I couldn’t go messing around with other girls.
So I compromised. I went to the hardware store and bought a couple of surveillance cameras. You know, the sort that you can hide in corners and on top shelves to watch people. And they were the good kinds, too. With a click of a button from my laptop, I could take pictures from the livestreaming videos. What can I say? Only the best for my lady. Then one day while Steph was using the loo, I installed them in her room. Easy peasy. One on the top shelf facing her bed, and one on another shelf, facing her closet.
It was all going great. I had tons of fantastic pictures and videos of Steph.
And then Stan had to step in. Almost threw a wrench in my plans, what with all the yelling and hollering. Luckily, there was no one else in my house. I would have hated to remove the cameras from Steph’s room!
So anyway, that’s that. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Stan thought that I’m a bad guy, but I really am not. I truly, truly, love Stephanie from the bottom of my heart.
Speaking of Steph, I really should get going. This entire thing with Stan almost threw my A-game off. I’d almost forgotten that we’ve got tickets to go see Steph’s third grade dance recital. I would have hated to miss that!