Anonymous said:Can you please do an imagine where joker tells the reader that he will never love her and that she’s just a toy, and then the reader leaves him and he does everything to get her back and tell her all he said wasn’t true and he says sorry
‘’Puddin!’’ I called out for Joker, my boyfriend as he came home. I had a big red smile on my face as I approached him in the hallway of our big penthouse. It was night and he came back from a heist so I felt like I could pamper him a little bit. I threw my hands in the air so I could hug him, but he seemed pissed. I watched as he put his purple coat aside and kicked off his shoes, leaving him in only his black pants.
‘’What’s the matter?’’ I asked softly and then tried to hug him. Suddenly I felt my body flying down on the floor and I landed on my bum. He had pushed me! ‘’Go away Y/N’’ He told me sternly and took a few steps away. My coccyx stung like heck so I rubbed my lower back gently. I didn’t cry tho. ‘’Don’t push me away J, what happened?’’ I tried to get him to open up. So I stood up again, ignoring the pain he caused. I’m sure he didn’t mean to push me so hard.
J faced me with his back and I was too nervous to speak up again before he had said something. His green hair was messy and I felt like the heist went bad. Suddenly he turned around with a big fake smile. ‘’Everything is fine Y/N! Just as you want it to be. Everything is always so fucking perfect’’ He told me in a mocking way and I felt upset. I stepped back once and put my hand in front of my chest. It was a sign of being nervous. Suddenly J’s smile faded and he looked evil. I felt like I should walk away, but I stayed because I loved him.
‘’J I didn’t mean it like that-’’ I started to defend myself, but he cut me off. ‘’You’re such an annoying little brat Y/N!’’ He hissed and slammed his hand to the door right behind me, making me flinch. My heart jumped to my throat and I was scared of his behaviour. ‘’I just want you to be okay J! I love you’’ I reminded him, feeling tears in the corners of my eyes. He took a deep, raspy breath and gave me a twisted look. He stared deep into my eyes and I could feel his gaze in my soul.
‘’I don’t love you’’ He whispered, making my heart shatter in a second. Was he serious? That’s it. Suddenly tears started gushing down my face, but they were quiet. After everything we had done, how could he say that? It felt so bad and I could believe I was stabbed in my chest. ‘’You were just a toy for me. Don’t you see? I rarely take you on heists because you suck. You’re such a weak little bitch and I’m tired of taking care of you. I never loved you! All I ever wanted from you was a man’s need and that’s it!’’ He yelled at me and said the most hurtful things. ‘’You’re so bad at everything gosh..I can’t believe that I kept you around so long’’ He added harshly and seemed to enjoy seeing me so hurt. Tears blurred my vision and I felt so small in front of him. I clenched my jaw so I couldn’t break down crying. Then I opened the door that was behind me and ran out.
I couldn’t stay.
‘’Don’tcome back!’’ J yelled after me and I heard the door slamming shut. I got into the elevator and that’s when I lost it. I fell down onto my knees and I started crying into my hands. I couldn’t breathe properly because I was crying so uncontrollably. ‘’No..No..’’ I sobbed, feeling like I was dying. J was my life. I couldn’t believe what he had said! I truly believed that he cared about me, but I was wrong. I nearly choked on the tears that just kept going.
Joker never loved me, but I loved him with all I had.
I managed to walk out of the building and find my way to my only friend, Harleen. She was the doctor that helped us, but we had become very close friends. For now, I had no one else to go to. I was behind her door and I pressed the doorbell with trembling hands. I had walked on the streets without shoes and I was cold. The tears just kept oozing out my eyes and I felt weaker than ever.
The door opened and Harleen stood there in her pajamas. ‘’Oh my gosh..Y/N what happened?’’ She gasped and pulled me inside. The door closed and I started sobbing again. Harleen saw how broken I was so she pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and just lost it. I was devastated!
‘’J s-said he never l-loved me’’ I admitted and the words felt like broken glass on my tongue. I had grown my roots on poisonous ground, I knew that when I started seeing Joker. I just never expected them to break. ‘’Shh..It’s okay Y/N..’’ Harleen cooed and patted my back. I shook my head no, but I didn’t say anything. I was lost.
Two days later I was walking around Gotham at night. I had to clear my mind after crying straight for two days. My eyes stung and I felt sick. Harleen had tried to make me eat, but I had lost my appetite. I had given my life to Joker and no I had nothing. I couldn’t go back to my old life since I was a psychotic criminal, a murderer and just way too broken. I didn’t want it back either, but that meant that I had nothing left in my hands.
I stopped at a bridge close to his club. The water seemed accepting. I just stared down and leaned at the railing. The wind was playing with my hair and creating small waves. I had no idea how long I was there, but soon I heard footsteps behind me that stopped. Probably someone who knew who I was and wanted to push me.Whatever.
‘’Y/N’’ Someone way too familiar said. I turned around and saw Joker in some fancy clothes. He had been at the club. ‘’What?’’ I barked out a little angrily. I wasn’t really angry, I was hurt. I wanted to sink into his arms, but I couldn’t. What the fuck did he want from me?!
‘’I have been looking for you everywhere..where have you been?’’ He asked me seriously. I took a deep breath and tried to stay strong. ‘’Why the hell would you care?’’ I questioned him with a snarl. His blue eyes seemed sad and he looked at me helplessly. ‘’I’m sorry’’ He apologized, making me look at him again. ‘’No you’re not’’ I whispered and took a step back, away from him. ‘’Y/N I didn’t mean what I said. I was just tired and pissed off after the heist’’ He defended himself and tried to talk me through. ‘’No! No you can’t just say that..You meant it, didn’t you? You hate me just like everyone else!’’ I screamed at him. I wanted to believe him, but I was scared to be hurt again.
Before Joker could do anything, I let myself fall over the railing and into the water. I heard him yelling my name, but a second later I splashed into the water and started sinking. I looked up at the lights and then I shut my eyes. I just had to sink..down..down and down until I’d hit the bottom. I opened my mouth and breathed out the air from my lungs so it would be quicker.
Suddenly someone’s arms were around me. I opened my eyes and saw a blurry person next to me. It was fucking Joker. He started kicking his feet so we would get up again. I tried to push myself away from him, but he was stronger. Before I knew it, we were at the stoney beach and he put me on the ground. Then he got on top of me so I couldn’t go away. ‘’Let me go!’’ I sobbed, but I didn’t really want to go.
‘’What the fuck was that Y/N?!’’ He asked me with a sad voice. I stopped fighting against him and I looked directly into his eyes. ‘’I have nothing J. You don’t want me and and I can’t stay at my friend’s place forever’’ I whimpered with a broken voice. I was so hurt. It would hurt less to walk on broken glass or swallow a fucking hot knife.
‘’Would it help is I said that you have me?’’ J tried to crack a smile. I gasped and tried to keep my cool. His red smile was my weakness and he knew it very well. He had me wrapped around his finger and I kinda hated it. But I was in too deep to stay mad forever. It’s like he could control my brain by being a little soft. ‘’Maybe’’ I whispered, trying to stay angry but I couldn’t. I felt hypnotized.
‘’I’m sorry baby, how about we go back to normal, hm? You and me together..’’ He purred into my ear, making me feel happier. It was crazy. We were crazy. I wrapped wet arms around him. ‘’I love you’’ He told me, making my heart beat like a wild animal. ‘’I love you too J’’ I told him and then he kissed me.
I stared at him with wide confused eyes as I shifted in my
seat slightly. “What’s wrong? Is it something I said?” I asked as I moved to
stand up from my seat.
Red Hood began to pace back and forth as he placed both hands on either side of
his helmet. “Holy shit… Holy fucking shit! This cannot be happening right now!
This can’t be fucking happening!” He yelled and let out a groan as he turned to
I furrowed my brow in confusion as I stood from my couch and reached towards
Red Hood. “What’s going on? What’s freaking you out?” I asked as I touched his
shoulder. When he grabbed hold of my wrist and shoved me back to the couch I
gasped out of surprise. My back hit the seat and he crawled on top of me,
pinning me down against the couch, and shook his head.
“How did I not see it sooner? How did I not see that you were her?” He said as
he let out a sigh.
My eyes widened and I began to struggle against his hold. “Get off me!” I
yelled as I struggled beneath this behemoth of a man.
“No!” He yelled at me as he slammed my wrists against the couch a little
harder. “I won’t! You lied to me! You’ve been lying to me for months!” He
snarled at me.
I could feel my blood begin to run cold. What was he talking about? I kicked my
legs out beneath him but he quickly pinned them down with his and I groaned out
of annoyance. “What are you talking about?! I’ve only know you for a few days!”
I snapped. “You’re hurting me!” I groaned as I tried to fight against him once
“Shut up!” He snapped at me as he picked my wrists up and slammed them back
down. “You’ve been lying to me for months now and I trusted you! I trusted you
enough to let you into my life and this is how you repay me?! By telling me
that you’re someone else?! By telling me that you have no soulmate?! How could
you keep this from me?! How could you keep something like this a secret?!” He
My eyes widened out of fear and I struggled even more. “I don’t understand!
Please just let go! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know! Just, please stop
yelling at me!” I cried out.
Red Hood wasn’t letting up on the pressure against my wrists and he wasn’t
going to anytime soon from how things were going currently. I could tell that
he was seething with anger and he wasn’t going to listen to anything I said, so
I had no choice but to lay there and wait for an opening to get away.
“How could you lie to me like this?! What did I ever do to deserve this?!” He
yelled as his grip tightened against my wrists even more.
I flinched out of pain and let out a whimper as I wiggled underneath him. “You’re
hurting me…” I whined but was shut up with him shaking his head while laughing.
“And you’ve been hurting me for months by keeping this fucking secret!” He
snarled as he moved both of my wrists into one hand so that he could rip the helmet
off his head. He tossed it to the ground and I immediately felt my heart
plummet when I recognized who he was. Granted he was wearing a domino mask, but
I know that facial structure anywhere.
“J-Jason…” I stuttered on his name slightly before ceasing all forms of
struggle against him.
How did I not see it? How did I not recognize that he was the Red Hood? He had
the same build, the same mannerisms, and he talked almost exactly like him. I
could tell he was gritting his teeth and he let out a frustrated groan as he
hung his head in defeat.
“Why. Why did you lie to me?” He asked.
My words caught in my throat as I tried to come up with a good enough excuse,
but nothing came out as I stared at him. “Be… Because I was trying to protect
you…” I whispered.
Jason’s head shot up and he grimaced at my statement. “You were trying to protect
me? Nice fucking try (Y/N), or should I say Sarah since that’s who you said you
were, I am capable of protecting myself!” He snapped as he glared down at me. “Now
tell me the truth! Why did you lie to me?!” He yelled once more, causing me to
flinch at his tone.
“I’m not lying to you Jason!” I snapped back at him. “I lied because I wanted
to protect you from my father! I wanted to protect you from the demons that I’ve
collected over the years all because of my name!” I stated. “I had to keep who
I was secret because I didn’t want you to be hurt or killed because of me!” I
choked on the last few words as my throat tightened up and tears began to build
in my eyes.
Jason stared down at me for a few minutes in silence before he sighed and
loosened his grip on my wrists. He leaned his head down and rested his nose in
the crease of my neck before sitting up and moving from on top of me. He stood
up from the couch and shook his head as he walked over to the love seat that
was across from me.
I leaned up on my elbows slightly and slowly made my way up into a sitting
position. I rubbed my wrists with a frown on my face and looked over at Jason. “Jason
“No. Don’t.” He cut me off as he stood from the love seat. “I don’t even want
to look at you right now.” He said in a bitter tone. “You know, I thought we
had something special, something real.” He stated as he glared at me. “I was
planning on asking you to move in with me because I was finally coming to terms
with not meeting my soulmate, because I was falling for you. I was going to ask
you to be my girlfriend but now, that is out of the fucking question. I trusted
you and you completely threw my trust out the window as if it were some piece
of garbage.” He said as he ran a hand through his hair.
My eyes widened as I stood from my spot and quickly made my way over to him. “Jason,
I didn’t mean for it to get like this! I wanted to tell you but I was scared! I
was scared of what would happen to you if you knew! I was-“ He cut me off once
again when I placed my hand on his arm.
He gripped my upper arm tightly and pushed me back from him. “Shut up! You knew
who I was and yet you still decided to keep this a secret!” He yanked me
forward and placed his face near mine as he sneered at me once again. “You make
me sick. I don’t even want to look at you.” He snarled and I felt my heart
break in two. He shoved me back away from him and I tumbled to the ground in my
shocked state. He grabbed his helmet and stormed towards the window he
originally came through. “Don’t call me. I want nothing to do with you.” His
tone was nothing short of harsh as he ducked out onto the fire escape and
disappeared into the night.
I sat in a heap on the floor as the scene played in my head again and again. I
felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes and before I could stop them they began
to stream down my cheeks and I let out a sob. I wrapped my arms around myself
as the pain in my chest grew and grew. I didn’t want things to end up like
this. I didn’t want him to find out like this at all. I placed my head in my
hands as I sobbed uncontrollably. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” My cries echoed
through the empty apartment and the sound of rain drops began to pelt against
the now closed window.
very very very very very long and not pleasant either, so i’m putting in a read more. I’ve tried to break it into small paragraphs for easier reading, if it’s still too wall-of-text-ey, lemme know and i’ll break it up more.
Content warning for medical abuse, restraining, infantilising of an autistic adult, it’s all pretty grim reading basically. And very long.
So my left hand pushes out my own energy uncontrollably and I can feel it when I focus on my hand and touch things and put my hand in its aura space, the energy forms up like a ball between my palm and an object. The intensity of the feeling increases when I think about it or anything involving energy, really.
My right hand takes in energy, when I touch things with my right hand I can feel how much energy comes off objects or living things, and the intensity increases in that hand when I think about it as well.
I can also channel energy using my finger tips. if I place a rock in the palm of my right hand and stick only one finger out, I can channel the rocks energy. However, if I do it with my left hand, it pushes out intense energy because its combined with my own.
Can anyone give an explaination to this or know what the hell is going on with me?
Prince Tribute. The Revolution Reunites for 3 Nights at First Avenue
by Sara Savoy
A Pilgrimage: a journey, especially a long one, made to some sacred place as an act of devotion.
They came from all corners of the Earth. Belgium, Australia, Japan, every corner of the United States…small towns, big cities and everything in between. It didn’t matter who you talked to, they had all made a journey from somewhere far and somewhere within themselves to honor the one and only Prince Rogers Nelson at the 3 night concert put on by the Revolution, Prince’s backing band from the early 1980’s.
It has been over 4 months since that fateful day in April that rocked the music world and turned the entire world purple. There has been no tribute at all whatsoever during these long 4 months for the fans. Many of us felt left out. Prince let us into his world in a way that no other celebrity ever has. He welcomed us into his home on a regular basis. He knew many of us by name. He never made us feel less-than. But on April 21, the gates of Paisley Park locked up and there was a sudden, clear delineation between the estate (whatever that means) and the followers. There were several tributes, but none of them included us. During the latest one at Paisley Park one fan commented “It is almost as if they are just trying to have yet another tribute that the public is not invited to.” It was very clear to us that being included was over.
I was one of the lucky ones that got to spend a lot of time at Paisley Park over the last 3 years. It felt like my second home. I know they are opening it up for tours now but I have no desire to go…this is a very different Post-Prince world and it is no question that it is now a business. The announcement that they were trying to book Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars for the “Official fan Tribute” in October could not make that any clearer. A lot of us have met that news with valid resentment. Those commercial stars have nothing to do with Prince and that type of tribute could not be any farther from the Prince that I grew to know and love. If I sound a bit bitter please forgive me. I am struggling to accept how very different things have already become. Despite members of the representatives for the estates’ best efforts with their “Prince Army” and “Purple Army” Hashtags, we all sense the truth and can see straight through to it. Everything has changed and the fans have been struggling for 4 long months like a lost Nemo in a vast open ocean, trying to find our way home.
The Revolution played this weekend at First Avenue. It was supposed to be one show, but due to demand it grew into 3 nights. Some fans were disjointed. “Old Friends for Sale” was a common thread. They resentfully questioned the intentions after everything that has happened since April. I am happy to say that this ended up being a very sincere and loving tribute but I understand the skepticism.
I was there for all 3 nights. I have watched Purple Rain every single week for no less than 3-5 times a week for my entire adult life. I was not going to miss it. For days and days leading up to Thursday night I could not sleep, I could not eat and I was physically ill. I was so worried and so excited and so so so very sad. My physical body couldn’t deal with all of the emotions and my hands shook uncontrollably. I just needed this band that I loved so much to come through for me in the worst way.
I did not know what to expect. Living here in Minnesota you hear a lot of people say “I am a huge Prince fan” and then they say something to the effect of “He hasn’t had a hit in a long time though” …and you just know that they are one of the fans that got stuck in the Purple Rain era. I understand that that is a very important era for a lot of people, but there is a difference between those fans and the Prince Army. I was not sure who would be attending these concerts. I worried it would be fans just looking for a Purple Rain moment.
Standing in line on Thursday night it became apparent who was there. These were not casual fans. These were fans that emptied their rainy day savings piggy banks to travel very far…and they were grieving. They had made the pilgrimage to pay respects. They did not come to stand at the gates of Paisley Park just to take a photo to say that they had been there; they were there because they had lost someone that they really loved and they wanted to pay tribute. They were hurting deeply. These were my people.
These fans were fans of Purple Rain but had not been stuck there. They knew every word to the tracks from the vault played by the opening DJs inside of First Avenue. They spoke in inside information nuances. They knew every band member by name and recognized all of the VIP guests that included Prince’s ex wives, girlfriends, protégés, family and employees. It was very clear. First Avenue was full of purple and the Prince Army had reported for duty.
The Thursday night show began about 10pm and lasted for 2 solid hours. I was lucky enough to score a front row spot just underneath Wendy Melvoins’ feet. Within moments of the band taking the stage it was very apparent that the band was here to process and grieve and heal right along with us…through music. Their pain was sincere and it was glaringly apparent on their faces and by their energy and it was deep. The moment the lights went up I immediately started to sob uncontrollably. In order to contain myself I got out my phone and began to Livestream. I had to do something with my shaking hands. I got lightheaded and almost passed out. There were highs; there were lows, Wendy, Lisa, Dez, Dr Fink, BrownMark, BobbyZ…Andre… They were all there. We grieved together. The first night was all about our own sadness. We all wept openly and without shame.
During the entire set Prince’s Hohner guitar sat in the center of the stage. I noticed it right away “I think that is Prince’s guitar!” I said to my friends. At the end of the night, during the very last song, Wendy picked up that guitar and put it on. Yes, it was most certainly Prince’s. The unmistakable animal print strap that had been my very favorite one that he wore…wrapped around her like loving arms as she put it on. I remembered touching that strap one night that we got to see all of his instruments up close. It was the night of a dance party and the back parts of Paisley Park by the pool tables were all open for us to explore and I went up and gently touched each of his guitars. When Wendy put it on and began to play the opening bars of Purple Rain it was a perfect moment. It was overwhelmingly sad, but so very touching.
Prince did not want to reunite with the Revolution when he was alive. He purposefully and obviously did not show up 5 years ago during the first reunion for the Bobby Z benefit. There was an empty microphone there all night long that night as we waited with anticipation for him to show. In the end it felt like a cruel but expected snub but we understood it. It was apparent he did not want to go backwards and continued to move forward.
Despite the fact that Prince moved forward without them, the Revolution is a band full of authentic members that did not latch onto Prince in order to get famous. Prince was well on his way to stardom when Purple Rain came out, but this band truly knew him when. They were a family. There is no question that Purple Rain launched them all into mega fame…together. They made it big together. When Prince accepted awards, the band was by his side. Together they were part of arguably the best album and the best music movie of all time. The album sold over 22 million copies worldwide. All 5 of the title songs became massive worldwide hits. Purple Rain stayed at #1 on the Billboard charts (back when that actually meant something) for 24 consecutive weeks. At one point in 1984, this band simultaneously had the No. 1 album, single, and film in the US. The musical score won two Grammy’s and an Oscar, the only time this has ever been achieved. They did it all as a group. They traveled the world performing. Some people say they were only a band for two years as if that discounts all of this… but what happened during that timeframe was a lifetime of memories and monumental achievements. It was significant in history and in emotion and the love that this band has for their missing leader is real. I believe that even though he moved forward, Prince still loved them very much.
Seeing them come home to Minneapolis and play on that stage, where it all began for them…felt like witnessing the sealing of a full circle. It began there. It is fitting that we say goodbye there. While Wendy played the opening bars to Purple Rain she told us the story of how she first played those opening bars on that very stage when she was 18 years old. In 1983. Prince left her out there playing it over and over and over again… for 10 minutes. Now, we got to hear her play it again 33 years later… without him there… but wearing his guitar in a beautiful and heartfelt tribute. It was intense.
Friday brought a plethora of purple people touring all over the city. I was staying at the W Hotel and I watched from my view out my window as purple person after purple person appeared and stood by the music wall to take photos. They toured Paisley Park, the music wall… and obscure places such as the hospital where Prince was born. They were in search of a proper way to fill up that blazingly loud void that had been left in their hearts by a man that inspired them for a lifetime. None of it worked, but all of it helped heal… bit by bit. There was healing happening in Minneapolis this last weekend…all over the city, there was healing… and it was a beautiful thing to see.
The Friday night concert I was front row, left. Just underneath BrownMark and Andre Cymone. While we waited for the band to come out, Questlove spun Prince song after Prince song from his throne atop FirstAvenue. The entire crowd broke out in song. I have never heard so many people singing “Starfish and Coffee.” It reminded me of all of the times Prince would say “Go out and dance, there is nothing to see up here” …and I personally believe that he would have loved it.
Night one felt like it was all about our sadness, night 2 felt like it was all about Prince. This time I did not cry when the band came out. The band did not look sad, they looked lighter… as if they had released a thousand waves of sadness and were ready to take a step forward. They opened with the same song “Let’s Go Crazy” only this time instead of going crazy with grief we went crazy with dancing and singing and happy memories. All night long I kept looking up at the purple smoke filled light illuminating the band and could not help but picture Prince dancing and enjoying a thousand grieving fans that loved him and were healing through his music… delivered by the hands of those that loved him so. The Revolution.
Night 2 we actually stayed for the dance party. We danced to his music and I tried to enjoy it. The music was fantastic but I was honestly just going through the motions. I wasn’t quite ready to feel happy yet. But I was trying and that was a very big step. Just seeing First Avenue lit up with purple was amazing. There was just so much love in that room.
The 3 nights included appearances by Bilal, Kimbra (who Prince awarded the Grammy to in 2013), Maya Rudolph and Gretchen Lieberum (of Saturday Night Live fame and a Prince cover band named Princess), members of Prince’s family, his two ex wives(Mayte Garcia and Manuela Testolini), Apollonia Kotero, Brenda Bennett and Susannah Melvoin, among others.
As someone online said: “When your ex girlfriend shows up… then your other ex girlfriend… then your ex wife… then your other ex wife…”
It was very nice and Prince is the only man that could have that many women on the stage who still love him.
In the VIP area were rumors and sightings of 3eg and other Prince related employees of past and present. A replica of the Purple Rain motorcycle sat near the audience lit up in purple light. Regardless of all of this power, center stage was really just the love that we all share for this amazing man.
During the concerts there were many stories shared. Apollonia came out the first night and had a big hoop earring on. “Would you like one of these?” she teased to the crowd who all completely understood the reference to one of the most famous scenes in the Purple Rain movie. Then she threw it to the crowd… then threw a handful more. This scene was repeated throughout the 3 nights with a different story and a different flare. I love Apollonia. I have a picture of her in a corset framed in my bathroom. She is a lovely human being and is so very sweet. She recently shared a story of her last encounters with Prince and all I could think is that it is amazing how he made so many people feel so individually loved and so special. And here she was paying it forward.
Night 3 saw the energy lift even higher. The crowd cheered effusively. Questlove introduced the band with “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Revolution!”
We all understood the significance.
Wendy repeatedly held the microphone to the audience and let us to the singing. “You are the band! That is how he wanted it!” she told us. The Revolution accomplished what had been missing since we lost Prince in April, they made us feel acknowledged and they made us feel like a part of things again.
We’re still a group, right?
I was front row again. This time I brought my 14 year-old daughter. She has had some special interactions with Prince and she wanted to be there. She is the same age that I was when I first discovered Prince and it felt complete to have her experience this with me. These band members are some of the best musicians in the world. She needed to see this.
“You’re going to have to fight your own damn war, cause we don’t want to fight no more!” We all chanted and released and chanted it again. It reminded me of when Prince left us chanting “Free, Free Yourself” at Paisley Park one night all the way to the parking lot and all the way home. So many of us, tired of fighting this grief, chanting together and wanting to be set free.
During the 2nd and 3rd shows Wendy did not wait to play Prince’s guitar. She put it on right away and played it during the majority of the show. This gesture was a clear statement. He is here with us now and we are going to honor him. There was a time to be sad, but now we are going to celebrate! Prince was all about healing through music. The Revolution honored his legacy in the most perfect way…on the First Avenue Stage with heartfelt sincerity. It was beautiful.
At the end of the last night they predictably and fittingly ended with Purple Rain. As soon as Wendy began to play that familiar opening note the entire venue began to cry. There was no way around it but to openly sob as the circle completed right in front of us. What began there was ending there. As I was crying I looked up…Bobby Z was watching me. His face was red and he was struggling. His eyes caught mine and he nodded at me with a knowing look and pointed at me with his drumstick. My daughter looked back at me. It was so kind and thoughtful. It was exactly what Prince used to do.
Thank you to the Revolution. Thank you for remembering us fans and for including us and coming together to help us heal. I know that you had a choice and did not have to do this. It felt right, you did it exactly right. You did it exactly right because you know him. You did it exactly right because you know us.
At the end of the night I approached Dez Dickerson and gave him a purple rubber bracelet that said “Purple Army” on it. It is a bracelet that I wear with my purple family near and far to help keep us close together. When he went to put it on, he pushed up his sleeve and revealed a plethora of purple bands….gifts from different pockets of Prince Army members from all over the world. Mildly different but yet all the same. I was humbled in the vastness of this group of kindred spirits. Prince touched so many of us in so many ways and his loss leaves a void that is glaringly open.
No one can ever fill it. As Wendy Melvoin cheered out to the crowd at First Avenue “He can never be replaced. We won’t try. That’s a promise.”
Full circle of love. Complete. We are. The Revolution.
ok guys, so here it is the story of how this happened to me:
so i’m from new york, and when i heard that tatiana was coming to toronto comic con i could not think about anything other than how desperately i wanted to go. it physically hurt, like i wanted to go to this more than anything. tatiana maslany changed my entire world. i am also a performer (aspiring performer anyway) and finding her, changed me. i fell in love with the art of performing all over again through her, i was reminded of why i fell in love with it in the first place through her, and she moves me, inspires me, blows me away, astonishes me, more than anybody. she is my greatest inspiration and there was nothing i wanted more than to stand in front of her and tell her this. somehow, thanks to my dad, who understood how desperate i was to go to this, i was able to go. (it was an early birthday present, talk about the greatest birthday present in the history of ever…) so i booked my flight and hotel and everything and i was going to toronto for the weekend. i got to toronto friday night, this is actually my first time in toronto and it’s amazing i love everything about it. so saturday, i woke up bright and early, i honestly couldn’t sleep at all i was so anxious and excited and just a complete wreck about what could possibly happen that day. the panel started at 4 but i got there at like 11:30…so yeah i was waiting around for almost 5 hours. slowly a line for orphan black started to form and we all waited and waited and waited. they announced that they were doing a random lottery type thing where 150 random people will get free autographs. a lot of people were upset that it wasn’t just the first 150 people in line, cause like come on the people who have been waiting in line for 5 hours should definitely get a little something. so we had to pick a ticket and at the end of the panel they said they would call out a color and whoever gets that color gets to go to the autograph signing. this added so much anxiety, i had red, and i was so so so nervous. OY. ok so finally it was 4 and we all run in and me and 2 girls i was with (who were amazing and so kind to me while i was having a complete emotional breakdown thank you to everyone there who was so sweet clone club is so amazing) so we sit in the front row and i’m just staring at her name and i’m like…she’s gonna be sitting in front of me in like 5 minutes idk what’s gonna happen to me…so they show a little season 2 promo type thing and then they announced them and they walked out. and tatiana freaking looked like absolute perfection her hair, her outfit like i was already having a full on heart attack, and jordan is the cutest thing. they were right in front of me. there they were this was actually happening. so the people doing the interview asked them a bunch of questions and i was trying to take some pictures and videos but i COULD NOT PHYSICALLY GET MY HAND TO STOP SHAKING it was uncontrollably shaking so the videos suck. at one point tatiana kind of looked over to where i was sitting and i screamed i love you and she waved, and that alone killed me, i had no idea what was about to happen…so they asked audience members if they had any questions and i just kept thinking to myself, i need to come up with a good question, and i wanted to think of something that she doesn’t get asked a lot. so i’m just sitting there desperately trying to think of something. and then i did! and i whispered to the girl next to me if she thought it was ok and she was like yes yes ask it! so i started to raise my hand. and they weren’t calling on me. but i kept raising it and then the 2 girls next to me started pointing at me and waving in my direction and trying to get attention and then finally THEY CALLED ON ME. so i stand up and i’m all ready to ask my question, and then tatiana looks at me…and i lost it. everything stopped. everything. i started crying, and shaking, and i just poured my heart out to her right there in front of 300 people, the co creator of orphan black, everyone. it just happened. and as i’m speaking somebody runs over to me and hands me a microphone and i just keep saying how i’m gonna cry i’m gonna cry. and i told her what she meant to me, how i believe she is the epitome of why this is the most magical art form, that she is my ultimate inspiration, that she changed my whole life, and i was kind of there but not, like it was so completely surreal, and then finally i look at her eyes, and she’s crying. she’s looking at me, the most genuine, kind eyes i have ever seen in my entire life, looking at me like i’m the only person in the room, not just another fan. i can’t even explain it. it was the most powerful thing i have ever felt. and she was moved to tears. and somebody screamed out “she’s crying!” and tatiana wipes her eyes and says that was so beautiful. and honestly i don’t even know what to say. tatiana maslany changed my whole world. i feel like i have a really strong connection with her as a performer but also as a human being and for her to be completely moved to tears by my words, it was an indescribable feeling. indescribable. so i ask her my question, i asked which is her favorite relationship to portray between 2 clones, and someone goes great question! and then tatiana goes that is a great question! ( i was barely even alive at this point) and i sit down and she answered the question (she said sarah and rachel for s2) and she was looking just at me the entire time she answered my question and i s2g i barely even heard what she said i was just staring at her crying. and now i’m crying just thinking about it. so the entire panel was amazing of course. they were so funny and perfect. just everything and more. omg i love them so much it’s ridiculous. so finally it was time for them to do the lottery. and he pulls out a ticket and turns it over and IT WAS REDDDDD. i started screaming and freaking out and everyone in my area who had red was freaking out and tatiana was laughing at us and it was amazing. so we all run to the line to get our autographs. we get to the line and we’re just standing there waiting and tatiana and jordan walk out, and tatiana walks towards me looks at me smiles and waves to me..everyone kept telling me how she’s always going to remember me and how people were crying and i just felt so overwhelmed i mean..talk about a dream come true holy shit. i’m standing in line waiting and some lady from the space channel comes up to me with a camera guy and tells me they were so moved by my story and asked me if they could interview me for a segment on monday night…what?!??!?! i was like um i mean if you insist….?!??!what?!??!?! omg. so the lady starts asking me questions about why i love tat and how i came from new york and honestly i don’t even remember what i said but i guess we’ll find out soon…i think it airs on monday and i won’t be in canada anymore so hopefully someone will be able to send it to me. and then not only did they interview me but they filmed the entire thing. they filmed me waiting in line, they filmed the moment i mET HER. so i’m waiting in line shaking, it’s almost my turn. and keep in mind they were pretty strict about just staying at the table and getting a picture signed, they weren’t allowing you to go around and take a picture or anything like that…so finally it was my turn and i walk up to her and i felt like everyone was watching (which was probably because they were) the cameras were filming me and i look at her and i go “tatiana can i give you a hug?” and she stands up and opens her arms and i run behind the table and hug tatiana maslany. the warmest, kindest, most genuine, unbelievable hug i have ever received i never wanted it to end. the greatest moment of my entire life. and i was crying and shaking and just wow i can’t even f;lkjsd;fljsd;lkf shit. so tatiana saw that this was being filmed and started doing poses for the camera and i’m just standing there staring at her laughing and crying and crying and laughing and she wasfucking HOLDING MY HAND guys i’m trying to explain this as calmly as possible but just know that i have not eaten or slept since this happened. this is so surreal and such a dream come true that my stomach has been in knots ever since. so finally i go back around and this girl, just there is no comparison. she is the definition of a kind hearted, down to earth, genuine, real, beautiful human being. she spent so much time with me, and with everyone there just really talking to people not like fans, but like friends. guys she was holding my hand basically this entire time and there are some pictures where she is looking at me with tears in her eyes. i wrote her a letter, so i handed it to her and she was so touched, and she made a funny comment about how it was “so dense” or something it was so cute. and then she ASKED ME IF I WROTE MY TWITTER NAME IN IT LIKE YES OF COURSE I DID TATIANA OMFG. then we talked about so many things omg she remembered that i said i was a performer so she started talking to me about good theatre to see while i was here and she told me she just saw bryan cranston’s show and it was amazing, and then i told her how much i loved her haircut, and she said she wanted a change and then said something about my hair too and omg i was floating on a damn cloud. then she signed my picture. and held my hand again before i walked away and guys. i know we all love tatiana maslany we all love her so much,and when you love someone that much you hope to god that if you were to ever meet them, they would be kind to you and it will be an amazing experience and tatiana maslany was above and beyond anything i could have possibly imagined. she just kept looking at me with tears in her eyes and holding my hand and it was a complete dream come true. like that is all i can say. it was an actual dream come true. the definition of a dream come true. so finally when i had to leave her i walked over to jordan and omg. he already recognized me from the panel and he looked at me and started telling me how they were all so moved by how genuine i was and my authenticity and to make sure i always keep that with me and to never change and i was stunned. it was so sincere and i was blown away that he was saying this to me. blown away i couldn’t even speak back to him i was like stuttering and i think i said something about this cast and how i am amazed everyday iDK i don’t remember tbh i was just like jordan gavaris is calling me genuine and authentic and telling me to never change. AND he takes out his picture and told me he already SIGNED IT IN ADVANCE he had it waiting for me WHAT?!??! and on it he wrote “thank you so much, please never change” holy shit i couldn’t believe it. so finally i leave the area and i just needed to find a wall and fall over. we waited around for a little and when the signing was over tatiana ran over to a group of us that were standing there and took a group shot it was the most precious thing omg she’s so perfect it’s unfathomable how perfect she actually is like. holy shit. so after that i left and i cried hysterically like probably more than i ever have in my entire life. and the more i look at pictures and videos the more surreal it all feels. it was truly the best day of my life. i got to hug my hero, i got to thank my hero, and she was the greatest human being i have ever had the honor of meeting in my 20 years of life. i am so grateful and thankful for the day i decided to watch orphan black because it brought me to tatiana maslany and tatiana maslany is the ultimate gift.
ps. that night i got a notification on my phone telling me that tatiana maslany is now following me on twitter. SHE FOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER. i repeat SHE FOLLOWED ME ON FUCKING TWITTER
the most surreal, indescribable, perfect day of my ENTIRE LIFE.
I was freaking out for the whole rest of the day. I was convinced that Nash was going to catch on about what was going on. That was the last thing I wanted to happen. I didn’t want to hurt Nash anymore than I had too incase things with Shawn and I didn’t turn out right.
I called Shawn dozens of times, asking him if he thought Nash knew something was up. His response every time was No but I couldn’t help think that he was just saying that to calm me down. “(Y/n), calm down. He doesn’t suspect a thing” He reassured me. “Are you positive?” I asked still uncertain. “I could not be anymore sure. If he knew he would have kicked the shit out of my by now” Shawn said which made me laugh. “Okay if you’re sure..” I said and he cut in. "I’m sure. I’ll be at yours to pick you up at 7ish okay?“ He told me. "Okay” I said hanging up the phone.
We were only going to the movies so I didn’t get too dressed up. Shawn called at 7 ish just like he said. I made sure to answer the door before my parents did. Their questions about who Shawn was and why I wasn’t with Nash anymore, weren’t worth the trouble. “Hey,let’s go!” I said eagerly pushing Shawn off the porch. “Wow someone’s excited for the movie” Shawn chuckled. "Yeah I heard it’s really good, don’t want to miss it" I said taking is hand as we began walking down the road.
After buying our tickets at the counter, we went and took our seats. “Where do you want to sit? Down the back on up the front?” Shawn asked. “Down the back sounds good” I said as he lead me to the back row. I tried to concentrate on the movie but I couldn’t stop staring at Shawn. “What?” Shawn asked a smirk appearing on his face. “Want to get out of here?” I whispered in his ear. He hesitated for a minute. “Yeah sure, why not” He said standing up and taking my hand.
We walked out of the theatre, giggling uncontrollably. “So what do you want to do since we’re not watching the movie?” Shawn asked, smirking at me. “I can think of a few things..” I said gently grabbing the back of his neck and crashing his lips to mine. He immediately reacted by pulling my waist closer into his. I don’t know how long we were there for but we were brought back to reality by people coming out of the theatre. I giggled, wiping my mouth slightly. I turned to Shawn who was wearing a huge grin. “Come on, we should probably get you home” Shawn said gripping my hand.
We stood on my doorstep. “Well that movie was good” I said laughing. “Yeah..really..eh action packed” Shawn said smirking and I just rolled my eyes. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Shawn asked and I nodded. “Well.. night” he said leaning in to give me a gentle kiss. “Night” I said back before waving.
I walked into school the next day, not being able to keep the smile off my face. I could see Nash at the far end of the corridor and decided to go up to him. “Morning” I said chirpily. He looked up from his phone, giving me a hateful glare before looking back at his phone. "Hi..“ He said monotonously. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Something wrong?” I asked. He let out a deep sigh. "Yeah, actually. I just hate being lied to (Y/n)“ He said in an angered tone. "When did I lie to you?” I asked in confusion.
“When you told me you were doing a project and you actually were at the movie theatre making out with Shawn” He said between his teeth. My stomach dropped. "Nash..“ I began but he cut me off. "Don’t..just don’t” He said storming off. Just as I was about to say something Shawn walked up. “Hey…everything okay?” He asked noticing my hostile expression.
I had two options at this moment in time. I could stay with Shawn and move on with my life, move on from Nash or I could take a risk and chance after Nash and try to explain.
I am writing this from the place that frightens me the most in the entire world. I’m writing this from a plane at 30,000 feet. I am so scared that I feel dizzy and sick. I am so scared that every song that comes on my iPod is a magic signal from the universe that I am about to die. (“3 Doors Down? I AM GOING TO DIE LISTENING TO 3 DOORS DOWN!!!! FFFFFFUUUUUUU!!!) Every bump makes me jump like a cat on a hot tin roof. And writing this….
Oh writing this…..
I am 2/3rd convinced that I am basically provoking the universe and am seconds away from my fiery demise.
I don’t just hate to fly - I have a full on phobia. I couldn’t say the word "plane” for two years. My coworkers used to hide little cartoon prop planes everywhere because, when I saw them, I would faint. Our manager had to put a stop to it after I fell and split my scalp on a table. Every time a plane goes overhead, I flinch. (Even in my sleep, which was really awesome when I lived by the Burbank airport.) Whenever people talk about planes or crashes, I have to leave the room. And not calmly, either. I run. Because a complete and utter panic attack is sure to follow.
So….. why expose myself like this? Why poke and prod at my fears? Because I refuse to let them control me. I have accepted that I will never be less scared of flying. I have been on hundreds of plane flights. I was on over 300 flights in one year. I hated them all. I was a terrified mess for each one. Even taking medication just makes me deathly silent. If you ever want to see me CALM, put me on a plane. Outwardly, I seem like the fucking Iron Lady. But, if you pay attention, my knuckles are white and my breathing is harsh. Internally, I am screaming and putting all of my will into not doing it out loud.
Speaking of medication, I take an average of 6 Atavan for a flight from LA to NYC. I’m much more likely to die of a drug overdose than a plane crash but it gets me through it……. when I can medicate. Which, if I am traveling for business, isn’t usually. I go into a fucking coma for 24 hours after taking that much Atavan. So if I have to do anything that day or the next, I can’t medicate. I try taking one or two pills but it does little.
So, a lot of these flights, I white knuckle through it. Because if I want to visit Paris or go home to see my folks or grow my career in the music industry, there is no other alternative. You can’t go on an international tour if you insist on a fucking Spanish galleon from her Majesty’s Royal Navy to get you to your gigs. Labels won’t even give you tour support for a shitty 1970s van. They aren’t going to give me an Armada. (I mean, not until I become Evil Overlord and convert the labels into the first legions of my Doom Army but that is another rant.)
I’ve had friends call me fearless. I am NOT fearless. I am scared of damn near everything. I am scared of flying. I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of strangers. I am afraid of the shit that I think about and all the shit that I don’t. I am afraid I am going to fail. I am afraid I am going to succeed only to find out that I absolutely hate who I have become. I am one big ball of self-doubt and fear and emotions that I cannot control.
But they can’t control me, either.
I can’t stop myself from being scared. My fear is raging through me right now, making it hard to type because my hands are shaking so badly. But this uncontrolled emotion did not stop me from getting on this plane. It won’t stop me the next time, or the next, or the time after that either. It will never stop me.
I don’t aspire to be fearless. I will never be fearless. But fear doesn’t have to be a weakness. It won’t be a strength, either. It will just be there. Like planes and distance and gravity.
I am scared right now. This is terrible, awful torture. My mind races and sees so many horrible things that it can’t even pick a terror to torment myself with - so I am dizzy from my spinning, out of control mind and near the verge of either vomiting or unconsciousness. I can barely focus enough to write this - and every letter makes it worse. But I wrote it. So fuck fear.
If anyone ever tells you to ignore your fears, tell them they are stupid. You can’t ignore your fears. But you can refuse to let them stop you from doing something. You may not be able to do it at your full capacity - I’m sure I am nowhere near as eloquent as normal and typing with blurry vision, shaking hands and on the verge of a total panic attack isn’t easy. But I am doing it. My muscles are jumping, ripping my hands off the keys as my body tries to let the fear take over. But I refuse. I just flat out refuse. Like it or lump it, body, because we are doing this. And we are doing it again and again and again.
I will always be afraid. Always. But I’m never stopping - at least, not because I’m afraid. That’s the thing I have control over.
So fuck “fearless”. Be a fucking ball of fear and nerves and doubt and terror. Carry that ball with you everywhere, because it’s yours and there is no kicking it away. But don’t ever let it stop you. It’s inside you and it will fit anywhere you do. If you can fit onto a plane, it will fit. If you can fit into a new job, it will fit. If you can fit into a new school or relationship or whatever, it will fit too. It will be uncomfortable and it will scream for your attention but it will fit.
The word just kept running through my head over and over again, like I had never had another thought before in my life.
A baby, inside of me, right now. I was pregnant.
I was having Adam’s baby. We were having a baby.
I was alone in the bathroom of a lavish hotel room that would never feel like home, when I found out that my life was going to change forever. Leant over with my hands placed either side of the sink, shoulders slumped and my head hanging low. I squeezed my eyes shut, so hard that I started seeing stars, thinking that this was all a dream, and when I opened my eyes this would all go away, right? Wrong. My eyes opened and the little plastic stick was still there with the two tiny parallel pink lines staring back at me. An almost inaudible sigh escaped from my lips that would have been masked if a pin dropped. I looked up slightly and caught my reflection in the mirror, I laughed slightly at what I saw. Was wearing stained tracksuit trousers with Adam’s grey sweatshirt that was around three times too big, which travelled with me when I was on tour. His scent brought me comfort in the most troubling of times.
After a period of time that could have been a mere few tantalising seconds or hours, I wasn’t too sure, of looking at my reflection in the mirror I broke down. Anxiety bubbled up from inside of me, making me question everything. Can I bring a child into the life I live? What if Adam didn’t want this? Would he run? Would he still love me?
I could feel my heart rate rising to a thousand beats a second and I started to lose my breath. I turned myself around, leaning all my weight against the bathroom sink. My legs started to lose strength, all while my breathing was getting shallower and shallower. I slowly sunk myself to the floor and brought my trouser clad legs up to my chest. My long slender arms wrapped around my legs while my head rested on my knees. I knew what was happening. I knew the signs all too well. I was having a panic attack. My breathing was getting quicker and quicker by the moment and I was gasping for breath, doing anything to try and breathe normally again.
It was like I wasn’t thinking. I fumbled to grab my phone from my trouser pocket, struggling to do so as my hands uncontrollably shook with fear. I dialled the number, the number that I had memorised over two years ago. It was like a routine that had been engraved in my memory, one that I would never forget. I placed the phone to my ear, the ringing echoing in my head and eventually going through to voicemail.
“Dammit, Adam!” I shouted to myself and no one else. Just when I needed it most he wasn’t answering my calls.
I hit redial and tried calling again. As the phone rang I lent my head back and rested it on the wooden bathroom cabinet door, anything to try and bring me back to reality and calm me down. On the fifth ring, Adam answered.
“Taylor, baby, what’s wrong? Why are you ringing me in the middle of the night?” He questioned me with worry in his voice, mixed in with his strong accent that he only had when he had woken up in the morning. At any other time of the day, I would have thought that he sounded sexy as hell, but right now I couldn’t even put two thoughts together.
With my voice still trembling from my laboured breathing I replied “Shit, shit, shit. Adam, I am so sorry. I completely forgot the time difference. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll call you later.”
I could sense that he could hear the anxiety in my voice when I spoke. “It’s fine Tay. Tell me, tell me what’s wrong, baby.”
Once I heard that word, it was like rain water stored up for three years had been released and then the flood gates opened. Baby, the word broke me. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Tears streamed down my red puffy cheeks, and my breathing was even more laboured than before, if that was even possible. “A-A-Adam” I was able to stutter out inbetween breaths. Thats all I could say.
Adam had been on the other side of these phone calls more times than he would have liked. I knew he hated seeing me like this, in a full blown anxiety attack, and I hated him seeing me like this. But, he was the only one who knew how to calm me down, and he did, every time.
I could hear Adam trying to talk to me through the phone but I couldn’t decipher what he was saying to me. It all sounded like a foreign language that I had never heard of before.
“Taylor!” He shouted down the phone. “Taylor, baby, I need you to listen to the sound of my voice. Listen to what I am saying. I need you to calm down for me, okay? Can you do that?”
I nodded in response, not thinking that I would physically be able to talk right now. After him calling my name again I realised that he wouldn’t have seen my response. “Adam, please.” I was able to squeak out inbetween hiccupping to try and catch my breath. Through the phone I could hear rustling, like Adam was sitting up in bed after realising the urgency of the situation that I currently found myself in.
“Taylor, listen to the sound of my voice. You need to take a deep breath, in and then out” I could hear him taking the deep breaths as I tried to copy him, anything to try and slow my breathing down. “Baby, you need to keep breathing okay? Focus on taking a deep breath in,” he paused, audibly taking a deep breath in, “and out.”
“I-I need you Adam, please, please.” I beg him. “I need you here. Please come see me.”
“You know I can’t Tay, I would do anything to be there with you.” I could hear his heart breaking for me through his voice.
At this point I had laid down in the fetal position on the cold hard tiles. Adams voice slowly soothing me as he talked to me. My breath eased slightly but it was still far from being back to normal. After not giving Adam a reply he just carried on talking.
“Babe, it’s just one more week until you’re back from Australia and then we will be together. One more week. That’s only five days. You’ve come this far, we did eight months, you can do these last few days. C'mon baby. Keep breathing slowly.”
When Adam could hear my breathing slowing down, he carried on talking, knowing what he was doing was calming me down. The huskiness of his voice mixed with his sweet words worked like a dream, every time. It was like he knew me better than I knew myself. Better than anyone in my life had known me.
“When you get home we will do everything you’ve been waiting to do with me since your tour started. We will celebrate your birthday, and we will watch as much Greys Anatomy and Law and Order as you want, and I promise you I won’t complain.” Adam spoke softly to me, as I chuckled lightly to his last comment.
“And we will spend all day in bed, and I’ll tell you how much I love you and how happy you make me. And I’ll do it just to see the blush rise on your cheeks and then to see you bury your face in my neck. And I’ll pull you even closer to me, if that is possible, and I’ll whisper sweet nothings into your ear just so I can hear that childish giggle that you have when you are embarrassed. Because you know, that if I could, I would bottle that sound up just so that I could get drunk on it every night. And we will dance in our underwear and three o'clock in the morning to your favourite song and when the music stops, we won’t care and we will carry on dancing anyway.”
And like that, after Adam talking to me for 30 minutes, it was like nothing had happened. Still lying on the bathroom floor in a hotel that I can’t even remember the name of, Adam for the hundredth time since we had been together, managed to bring me back.
“I love you” was all that I could say.
He responded to me with an “I love you, too.” He continued on to say “Now, tell me baby, whats going on in that pretty head of yours? Tell me why you called me in the middle of the night having a panic attack.”
“It’s, it’s just..” I started, not knowing how to continue. I couldn’t tell Adam over the phone that his whole life has just changed and that he was going to become a father. Could I? No, I couldn’t. I was going to have to face my fears and tell him face to face when I got home from Australia. “It’s the usual, you know?” Knowing that it was a small white lie as to why I was like this right now, but these thoughts still lingered in the back of my mind on a daily basis. “The media looking and dissecting every move that I make. It’s like they are just waiting for me to mess up so that they can make a fool out of me. And the tour, it’s all coming to an end and I just don’t know how to deal with it all. What’s going to happen when its all over? Are people going to be mad that I want to take a break? And then there is me and you. What if you realise that I am as bad as everyone says I am, and I am the way the media says I am? You’ll see the real me and I am scared that you won’t love me anymore.” My breath started to quicken again and I could feel myself going into another anxiety attack, as my chest started to tighten and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again.
“TAYLOR!” Adam shouted to me. “You need to stop. Take a deep breath for me.” I follow his instruction, not wanting to go back to the place I was just at, hating the feeling of not being in control of my own body.
“That’s a good girl, you’re doing great, baby.” He continued. “You need to stop thinking like this. Stop thinking the worst of every situation. The media will always be there, so what? You don’t need to stress yourself out about that. And your fans, they’ll understand if you want to take break. You’ve given them everything you have got for the past ten years, you deserve a break, and the true fans will understand that, I promise. And me and you? We are fine, okay? I’m head over heals in love with you with Taylor Swift. I’m so crazy in love that I can’t even think straight when I’m around you, you’re like my drug that I just can’t get enough of. And when I first met you, back at the Elle Style Awards, I was hooked and I knew that you were the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one I want to come home to everyday. And when something exciting happens, you’re the first person I want to tell it to. It’s you Taylor, and it’s always been you, and it will always be you. And it’s because you kink your eyebrow when you’re trying to be cute, and that you crinkle your nose when I say something to you that makes you embarrassed. And if you need to hear why I am in love with you I could go on all night."
"Thank you, Adam” I replied, taking a pause before continuing, “You always seem to know the right things to say. You make everything better. But it’s the middle of the night there babe and I know you have a gig tomorrow, you should sleep.”
He replied quickly “I’m fine, baby. If you need me, I’m going to be here for you, no matter what. Any time, anywhere."
"I promise you I’m okay. Go to sleep, we can talk at a more civilised hour tomorrow.” I reassured him, hearing the tiredness of his voice coming through as he spoke.
“Night, baby. Thanks again. Sweet dreams.”
Just as I was about to hang up on him, I heard his voice one last time. “Oh, Taylor?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. Night”
And just like that, it was like the past hour never happened. After hanging up the phone to Adam to crawled into bed. Even though it wasn’t close to being time for bed, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. As I lay in bed willing myself to go to sleep, I thought back to the baby that was growing inside of me. Mine and Adams baby. My hand absentmindedly gravitated towards my still flat stomach. The idea of having a baby a lot less scarier than it was almost two hours ago when I first found out. I knew that Adam wouldn’t leave me and we would be okay, as long as we were together.
As the days went by, my excitement grew because of two things. Firstly, I was going to see Adam in a few days after being away from him for so long. And secondly, as each day passed I was getting more and more excited about the baby. Inbetween rehearsal and actually performing I tried to figure out the perfect way to tell him about the pregnancy. Being one to always be creative when giving gifts, I knew this time round couldn’t be any different. When I had free time available and I had planned the present to perfection, I got everything that I needed from the stores around Sydney. Luckily, I wasn’t caught by the paparazzi, so the world was still clueless about the pregnancy, and so was Adam.
After the final show was finished and I had completed the ridiculously long aeroplane ride home, I was exhausted. That mixed with morning sickness just killed me. But what made it all better was that when I stepped out of the plane onto the tarmac, was him. Climbing out of the black SVU, he was here. It was like I was given life again, like breathing fresh air for the first time after being caught up in the smog from the city. Standing there, in his usual attire of black jeans and a black t-shirt, was Adam. I paused at the top of the aeroplane staircase, seeing the half smirk that was upon his face. It was a smirk that could break a million hearts but yet cure diseases at the same time. A smile erupted onto my face. The eternal type of happiness that appeared in my eyes, in the curve of my lips, that originated in my chest, deep down within my ribs and blood vessels spread throughout my body. My heart didn’t speed up or jolt at the sight of him, but rather slowed down, reducing the adrenalin levels travelling through my veins at the thought of actually having to tell Adam about the baby.
Seeing him was like coming home after a long trip away. I dropped my carry on bags, and ran. I ran like I was being chased by a demon. My arms pumped backwards and forwards and my legs moved faster than they have before in my twenty-six years of life, propelling me to the love of my life. The doubts of him not turning up completely wiped from my mind. The sound of my heels on the hard tarmac echoing slightly as the rumble of the aeroplane engines died down after the long journey.
The smile on his face as I run towards him was a sight that I wanted to remember for the rest of my life. It was the look of peace and serenity. If I was to forget everything that happened in my life, the awards, the tours, every experience, and this was the only moment that I could remember, I would be okay with that.
Once I was close enough, I launched myself into his arms. It was like I had been launched from the pitchers glove, going 110 miles per hour, landing in the dead centre of the catchers glove. There was no question to where I belonged. His arms felt like home, and I never wanted to leave. He was my home, but more importantly, my person.
My arms had wrapped around his neck when I launched myself to him. Nuzzling my face into his neck and inhaling his musky scent that I longed for when we were apart. His arms looped around my midsection, cementing himself to me. Once we had made connection he lifted me off of my feet and spun me around. After hearing my light giggles emitting from my lips, he set me back on solid ground. I pulled back slightly from his strong grip so that I could savour that look on his face for a final few moments. Wanting to relish this sweet, sweet moment for longer, I readjusted my grip on him so that my arms circled around his broad back instead of around his neck. I placed my head over his heart, missing the feeling of being in his arms. He moved so that his one arm was around my waist and his other arm around my shoulders, clinging onto me for dear life. It was like he thought that if he let go of me, I would disappear into thin air. We rocked side to side for just a slight moment, with only the whistle of the wind and the luggage being offloaded from the plane disturbing the silence.
Adam buried his face into my hair, knowing that my scent calmed him down and brought him tranquility. Being away from him when I was touring, always stressed him out, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to help if anything were to happen to me. I loved touring, but I liked the world best when I was in his arms. Just like I was right in this moment, with my face in his chest and holding onto each other like we were the last good things in this world.
“Hey beautiful.” He whispered into my hair, I could hear the emotion weaved into his voice, mixed with pure excitement and joy that I was finally home in his arms. I could feel his heart beating against his chest as lay my head on him, beating like a tribal drum, a melody that I would never get bored of hearing.
My arms were still around his body, like a vice. I didn’t want to let go, fearing that if I did, I would wake up and this would all be a dream and I would awake the other side of the world, thousands of miles away from my love. “I’m so happy that you’re here.” I say to him. It’s all that I could say to him, feeling a lump form in my throat and tears stinging my eyes. I knew this made Adam smile, laughing at the vulnerability laced in my voice and in my words, as I moved to hide my head inbetween his shoulder and neck.
He pulled me closer, knowing that it was too soon to let go. I just needed a few more moments of being held in his embrace. Once he felt me shiver from the cool breeze hitting my bare arms, he pulled back from me, resting his hands on the top of my arms. As I looked into his eyes, all I could see was love and the answers to all my questions. The smile was still upon his face and never wavered from when he first saw me today. He rubbed his hands up and down my arms in an attempt to warm me up, but the look in his eyes was enough to set me alight and keep me warm for eternity.
A single tear escaped from my eye from the moment that we just shared. My hand moving up to wipe away the tear was stopped by Adams handing grasping mine. His eyes flicked up to see my security picking up my hand luggage that was discarded when I first saw him. Once he refocused on me, he stepped closer to me so that we were chest to chest. Both of his hands found their way to the sides of my face. His thumbs swiping across my cheeks, wiping away and stray tears that escaped during our embrace, while his fingers laced themselves through my hair. I became motionless, struggling to hold myself back from closing my eyes and falling into his embrace from the intimacy of his touch.
He brought his head down towards mine, at a slow place, alluring me in. It was like we were two magnets, pulled together like an unknown force. My eyes flicked to his lips and then back to his green eyes that I could get lost in. Closing my eyes and anticipating that was about to happen, and becoming impatient at his slow pace, I go onto my tip-toes in a weak attempt to speed the process up. When our faces were millimetres apart, I felt his breath hit my lips. “I’m so happy that you’re home.” He whispered against my lips, still holding onto my head. It was like he was teasing me, and I knew he was when a soft moan left my mouth and a smile crept on his face.
Knowing what he was doing to me, he leant in the last few millimetres and our lips touched. The gentle intimacy of his touch sent shivers down my spine and goosebumps all over my body. It was like we were the only two people in the world when our lips connected. I brought my heals back onto the ground, pulling him down with me. My classic red lipstick smudging against his lips. We both pulled back from the kiss, not wanting to cause a scene at the airport. Our eyes opened again and was green to blue and nothing else. “Lets get you home.” He spoke and then leaned in again, bending his head down and kissed my cheek slowly. Moving his head so that his lips brushed against my ear, “So that I can show you how long and hard these past three weeks have been without you.” I shivered again and closed my eyes, losing myself over his breathy voice being so close to my ear. For a final time, he moved his lips and pressed them to my forehead, and slid his hands through the rest of hair and rested them at the base of my neck.
My legs started to feel like they had turned into jelly as many long moments passed. It made it difficult for me to stand. His breath was still hitting my face as I opened my eyes, my heart aching for him. Breaking the silence that had built up between us, just loud enough for him to hear “Take me home.”
A breathy laugh escaped from his mouth and he backed away from me and grabbed my hand in his. Another gesture that made me feel at home. There was just something about Adam that his presence put me at ease and made it feel like there was nothing wrong with the world. Security had put my luggage in the car when I was embraced in Adams arms, so we just had to climb into the car. With my arm stretched out in front of me, fingers entwined with Adams, he pulled me along and opened the door for me. ‘Always a gentleman’ I thought to myself. I let go of Adams hand and I slid into the car, while he closed the door for me and circled around the car to get into the other side.
After longing for his touch over the past three weeks, as soon as he was in the car, I reached out to grab his hand again. Our driver started the car and pulled off. Minimal words had been exchanged since Adam and I saw each other since I had landed, but words were not needed with us. Our eyes spoke our words for us, and were conveyed between longing stares or quick glances. I shuffled over so I was within a close proximity to Adam, and laid my head on his shoulder as my eyes fluttered closed. A mix of his intoxicating scent and the jet lag causing me to become sleepy. He brought our joined hands up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on my hand and then rested them onto his lap. I wondered how I ever thought someone else’s hand fit more perfectly into my own than Adams did.
The drive home from the airport to Malibu took slightly longer than it should have because of traffic, typical. When it cleared we were able to speed along under the blistering heat of the sun, in the privacy of the black SUV. The radio playing a song that was lulling me to sleep. Trying to fight the sleep, wanting to spend every waking moment I could with after being separated for three long weeks. I asked him how his gigs had gone while I had been away touring, wishing I could have been there to support him and cheer him on, just as he did for me so, so many times over the past two tours. We spoke to each other on a daily bases whist I was away, but nothing can compare to the physical contact with the one you love. Being able to breath in his scent while my head lay on his chest as he runs his fingers through my hair, was unlike anything else. You couldn’t achieve that through FaceTime.
The driver pulled up to the apartment building and the car came to a slow stop. In the blink of an eye, Adam was out of the car and opening my door for me. I paused as I was climbing out of the car “Thank you, baby.” I spoke to him as I leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
Our hands quickly reconnected as we both quickly thanked the driver and security for handling my luggage. I suddenly become giddy and excited when I realised that Adam and I would be alone for the first time in weeks. Walking towards the elevator, I was as close to Adam as humanly possible, wanting to be within his vicinity at all times. Adam leaned over to press the button to call for the elevator. As we waited, he let go of my hand and pulled me into his side with his left arm circling around my shoulders and holding me close. My arms circled around his waist from the side as my legs parted slightly so I was even lower than before, snuggling into his side and breathing his scent for the hundredth time today. Adam turned his head to the side and placed a kiss on the top of my head and stayed there until the ping of the elevator alerted us of its presence.
I pulled Adam along before the doors closed on us. Once inside the elevator, I rested my head on his shoulder once again, my high heels making me tall enough to do so. Like a routine, Adams slung his arm around my shoulder, entrapping me to him while his other hand was lazily placed in his jean pocket. I loved the fact that I could still wear heals around Adam, although the added height I still looked small when standing next to him. But I loved it even more when I didn’t have to wear heals. It meant that I was in the safety and comfort of my family and friends, a place where I could be myself and at ease. Another fact was that it meant that Adam towered over me and made me feel protected and I knew that it made him feel like a man, being able to cover me completely.
I conjoined our hands together and then brought his arm up to my lips. I slowly placed gentle kisses up Adams arm until I reached the hem of the arm of his t-shirt. All of a sudden Adam had pushed me up against the wall of the elevator and we were making out like a couple of teenagers. It wasn’t a slow and sensual kind of kiss that we had shared when I had first arrived. It was a desperate, sloppy kiss that carried a lot of need. But, I mean who could blame us? We hadn’t seen each other in three weeks!
After a few minutes of making out, I realised that, although the elevator doors closed, we actually hadn’t moved anywhere. Laughing into the kiss, I put both of my hands on Adams chest and pushed him back slightly. A huff escaped from his lips and his head dropped momentarily. When I had enough room, I stretched over and pressed the button that would take us to the apartment. When the button illuminated white, Adam pulled me back to our original position and connected our lips again. After arriving at the floor and the doors opening, Adam and I still hadn’t moved. “Adam, we’re here baby.” I whispered against his lips, loving the proximity were currently had but hating the lack of privacy. “Lets go.” I finished.
Adam eagerly pulled me down the dull hallway that lead to the apartment door. He put his hand that I wasn’t holding onto into his jean pocket to fish out the apartment keys. As I was holding onto his hand and bouncing on the balls on my feet, shaking Adam as I did. “Baby, you’re going to need to cut that out if you want this door to be opened quicker.” He spoke as he laughed at me. I pretended to pull an angry face as I moved my hand to playfully hit his chest.
The door opened and the bright lights of the hallway lit the dark room that we stepped into. Adam must have forgotten to open the curtains in a hurry to get to me this morning, I thought to myself. As soon as the door was closed, I was pressed up against it, resuming the same position we were in when we were riding the elevator. We kissed until we were both struggling for air, both pulling back slightly to look into each others eyes. All I could see in Adams eyes was passion and love, but mostly just love.
“Taylor, I can’t even being to tell you how much I’ve missed you over the passed three weeks. It’s been absolute hell coming home to an empty house, well, I mean besides the cats” A laughed escaped my lips as he spoke, still never breaking eye contact with each other.
“Well then baby, you better just show me how much you’ve missed me then.” I replied to him with a flirtatious voice and a glint in my eye, just to make sure that we were on the same page as what was about to happen.
“Oh, now you’re asking for it, Swift!” Adam replied as he flung me over his left shoulder and held onto my legs so that I wouldn’t fall. I squealed at the gesture and playfully hit his back in a weak attempt to get him to put me down. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work. Adam took the stairs two at a time, still cautions as to not drop me but wanting to get to the bedroom as soon as humanly possible. “Adam, I swear to God, if you do not put me down right now there will be consequences to pay!” I tried to add a hit of annoyance into my voice but it didn’t come out seriously as I couldn’t hold my laughter in.
All of a sudden Adam threw me onto the bed. The comforter that covered the bed was soft and smooth against my skin, as my body formed a crater beneath me. There was nothing better than being back in our own bed after a long time away. Lying there on the bed while watching Adam move around the room with an air of confidence brought me peace of mind. Peace of mind that this is where I should be right now, and that Adam is the one I should be with. All he was doing was emptying his pockets of his wallet and phone, but there was something about the way he moved and the way his forehead crinkled slightly as he was concentrating that made me fall more in love with him.
The comfort and familiarity instantly relaxed me. So much so, that my eyes started to droop closed. I had realised it before, but right now affirmed all my thoughts, that I wanted everything with this man before me. I wanted marriage and kids and forever after, a thought that never even crossed my mind with other people I was with. But, I was happy because at least one if those things has come true. A baby. I still couldn’t quite contain my excitement over the fact that I was going to be the mother to his flesh and blood. We were going to have a mini-Adam or Taylor running around. I wanted to raise our children together, make them into the best versions of themselves as possible, and I wanted to do that with him and no one else. I wanted to be able to grow old with him and fall asleep next to him for the rest of my life. All I needed to do was try and pluck up the courage to actually tell Adam about the baby. The thought of our baby brought out protectiveness over me that I couldn’t control and I didn’t want to control.
Once Adam saw my eyes closed he instantly tried to capture my attention. “Oh no, no, Missy. You cannot fall asleep right now. We have a lot of catching up to do! Whatcha thinking about? You’ve that big grin on your face again? ” He asked.
“You. I was thinking about you.” I said to him as I opened up my eyes and pulled myself up slightly to rest on my elbows to look him in the eyes. “Oh yeah? And what were you thinking about me that caused that gorgeous smile of yours?” Adam spoke as he walked closer to the bed and climbed onto it. He placed his knees either side of my waist, while his hands settled on the bed either side of where my head just rested, entrapping me underneath himself.
I brought my hand up to run it through the scruff of his beard, that had grown a little too long for my liking while I was away on tour. My hand then gravitated to the back of his neck and my hand continued to play with the little hairs that lay at the base of his neck. “I was thinking about how happy you make me, and the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I continued on to say “I just want to let you know how grateful I am to have you in my life, babe. I don’t know where I would be without you and I am so glad that I have you to come home to.” By now, the tears had built up in my eyes but had yet to spill.
“Well,” Adam started “I guess it’s a good thing then,” He continued as be brought his head down to mine so that our lips were millimetres apart, teasing me. “It’s a good thing that the feeling is mutual. You’re my ride or die, baby. It’s you and me. You’re my forever.” He whispered the last part, just for me to hear, conveying that there was only the two of us in the world, that no one else mattered. At least that was true for now, the fact that no one else mattered. Because in approximately seven months, there would be a tiny human being that would depend on us, but Adam didn’t know that yet.
Becoming impenitent, I leaned forward the last few millimetres, joining our lips together. The kiss started off sweet but soon turned into sloppy kisses when breathing became an issue for the both of us. Adam started to place light kisses on my neck. He then moved and started nipping at my ear, his husky breath tickling my ear as I giggled. “How about,” He began to speak, his voice coming out throatily and his accent stronger because of the built up passion, as he tugged on the hem of my crop top, “We get you out of these clothes?” Adam asked the question as he was rising back onto his feet, sliding off the bed as he pulled me up with him.
“Actually, I wanted to take a shower first. You know how I get when I’ve been travelling for so long.” I stated to him, hoping that he wasn’t going to be mad that I wanted to put this on hold for a few more minutes.
“Of course, babe! Why would I mind?” At this point we were in close proximity of each other, Adam craning his neck down to be able to see me. His hands gently resting on my hips, gently rubbing circles on my exposed skin.
Becoming embarrassed for some unknown reason, I lowered my head so I would not have to see Adams confused look on his face while I started to play with my hands, a habit that I had picked up when I was nervous. “Um… because, you know.” I couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence at the moment, “I-I thought maybe you would want to join me?” A smile graced his lips when I asked him the question, as he let out a breathy laugh.
My head shot up when I heard him laugh. “Baby, why wouldn’t I want to shower with you? Look at you, you’re beautiful and quite frankly, sexy as hell. Why Wouldn’t I want to take the opportunity to see you naked? I’ve missed this.”
A blush started to creep up my cheeks, shocked by the words coming from Adams mouth. Although he told me everyday that I was beautiful and that no one compares, it still made me blush with embarrassment that he thought those thoughts. “Adam, stop. We both know that there are prettier-” My words were cut off by his lips crashing onto mine, an attempt to stop me talking.
Adam lifted my right leg by my thigh, hinting at me that he wanted to pick me up. I followed suit and jumped so that both of my legs were wrapped around his waist, locking my ankles together. His hand was still on my thigh as his other hand travelled to my lower back and rested there. Adam started walking us to the direction of our en-suit bathroom, my one hand finding its way to the back of his neck, while the other gently rested on his cheek, all still while he was kissing me.
Our kissing was quickly interrupted when my back hit the doorframe of the bathroom. I throw my head back laughing at how it ruined the moment. “Oh shit! You alright babe?” I responded by kissing him, conveying to him that I was fine.
He carried on walking until he was in front of the bathroom counter, and then rested me down onto it. I unlocked my ankles and shifted myself closer to the edge of the surface so that I was as close to Adam as possible. He put his hands either side of my legs, his thumb rubbing small circles on my right thigh. I was unsure if the shivers that crossed my body were from the coldness of the counter top or from Adams touch. Once we were struggling for air, our kiss ended and our foreheads rested together.
Both of my hand were rested in my lap, after the kiss I brought my hand up to his face and swiped my thumb across his lips. “You’re the prettiest.” He whispered to me, then placing a delicate kiss on my thumb.
“Lets get you into the shower, baby.” Adam spoke to me, his teeth grazing his bottom lip where my finger had just been. He picked me up the same way he did before we got into the shower.
“That’s exactly what I need, Mr Wiles.” I taunted him as my hands rested at the base of his neck. As we got closer to the shower I jumped down from his hold as he turned around to twist the water on. The shower was a futuristic shower, so you didn’t ever have to turn around, water coming from above and from the sides. The steam from the hot water filled the bathroom almost instantly, making the room humid.
I went to the back of my shorts to start undoing the zipper to take them off. Once I heard Adam make a strange noise, my attention was off of my shorts and onto him. “Woah, woah, woah. Slow down, baby.” He must have seen that I was confused given the look on my face, I thought that this was what he wanted? Did I get the wrong signal? He beckoned me forward with his long finger, “C’mere, I want to do that.”
Adam loved to undress me, hence why I currently have a baby inside of me, it always led to sex, one way or another. Being naked in front of each other was never an issue, Adam always made sure that to tell me that I am beautiful. By the time I was finished dreaming, both his and my clothes were in a pile on the bathroom floor. My eyes caught on Adams toned chest, appreciating how well he looks after his body. Not noticing that he had now stepped backwards into the shower, I still remained still.
“You like what you see, ey?” Adams voice broke me out of my trance. I could hear the cockiness in his voice, a smirk plastered onto his lips. He held is hand out for me to grab to try and pull me into the shower. “Alright, pretty boy. Lets not get a big head now.” I say, slapping his hand away and getting into the shower by myself.
Adam had a shocked look upon his face, while he brought his hand up and held it over his heart. “Wow babe, you really know how to cut a man deep!” The shower water was spraying against his tanned shoulders as he just stood there.
Sarcasm dripped from my words “Oh baby, how will I ever make it up to you?” Once I was standing in front of him in the shower I pulled myself towards him, making us skin to skin. My arms circled around his waist and rested on the lower part of his back, while my head titled all the way back so that I was able to see his face properly. Goosebumps appeared on my skin at the heat of the water made contact with it, the sting of the water coming at me from all directions. Adam pulled me in closer and brought his hand to the back of my neck, his other arm wrapping around me, trapping me to his chest. My head lay over his beating heart, my eyes closed while I soaked in the warmth of his body and the water. As the water ran down over Adams body, it dripped from his jaw, getting into my eyes and hitting against my lips.
Adam spun us quickly and pinned me up against the wall of the shower, both of his hands placed against the shower wall, elbows locked, holding himself up. The water massaging my sore muscles from the countless shows and dancing. Trying to get away from the water, I try to wriggle out of Adams arms, trying to get closer to him. A laugh rumbled from deep within him, keeping me prisoner within his arms. This seems his ‘go-to’ position because we found ourselves like this for the third time today. We were both laughing as my head was thrown back against the mosaic wall. After minutes of laughing, it faded as we looked at each other, smiling with happiness.
In moments like this, it hits me out of nowhere, with the impact of a freight train, just how much I loved his man in front of me. He was my sun and I would revolve around him for the rest of my life. He was the force that would pull me back to reality, and back to him when I was too far away.
One thing eventually turned into another and suddenly I was in Adams arms and we finally merged from two separate bodies into one. No words were spoken. We didn’t need to speak. The close proximity of our bodies was all that was needed. Just to be together in the most intimate way possible. My head would roll against his shoulder and he would bend his head down to that we were cheek to cheek. Adam interlocked his fingers with mine, raising them above our heads, bracing them against the shower wall.
Connecting after what felt like decades apart, it was a mix of pain and pleasure, all rolled into one. Adam plunged himself into me, his face against the side of my head, blowing hot breaths against my ear, our panting could be heard over the sounds of the shower spraying out water. The friction between our two bodies made the water feel cold between our over-heated skin. Adam never slowed down, never stopped moving or let up, and I never wanted him to.
My head was hanging down, resting on his shoulder while I was panting, trying to catch a breath. Adam brought one of his arms down, resting his hand on my lower back, attempting to hold me up still. I moved the same arm down, my slippery palm steadying myself with the use of his forearm. The change in positions made me almost cry out. I’m not sure what stopped me, but the moan got caught in my mouth, feeling the high coming closer and closer with each thrust. The water was dripping all around me, rolling off of Adams body, his height and stature shielding me from the water.
I knew Adam hated when I held myself back, and he could feel me not letting myself go. I felt his mouth next to my ear as his teeth grazed my lobe harshly. He groaned into my ear “C’mon baby, let it all out for me.” The pleasure taking over him, he pushed his forehead against my temple, pushing my head to the side. He ordered for me to be loud, to not hold myself back “Let it out,” he was muttering over and over again in my ear. Inbetween deep breaths and jagged grunts I heard him pant out “Let me hear how good,” another grunt, “How good I make you feel.”
His final encouragement was the final push that I needed before my body shook. As I hit my high, his name was rolling off of my tongue breathlessly and passionately. My head flung back, all making Adam keep going even harder, not slowing down. His breaths were mixed with cusses that got lost within his heavy accent as he got lost in the details of me.
Adam put me down, still holding onto me, not trusting that my legs would be able to hold myself up. My body was still visibly trembling after the intensity of the orgasm. I could see the pride in Adams smile that he was the one responsible for it. Chest to chest, I reached around Adam and shut off the water of the shower. He stepped around me and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around me like you would a child, pinning my arms to my sides. Adam grabbed my chin, tilting my face towards his, kissing my mouth quickly. He then moved onto patting my body down, drying me. A smile graced my lips as I thought of how good a Dad Adam will be, how caring and tentative he is towards me. Butterflies erupted in my stomach at the thought.
Soon Adam and I were laying in bed, his one arm bent behind his head and his other arm circled around me as I lay my head on his bare chest. I was absentmindedly drawing patterns on his chest, thinking about when I should give Adam his present, which would basically tell him about the baby. It turns out that I had spelt out ‘I’m pregnant’ on his chest without even realising. “You need to quieten down your thoughts over there, Missy. They’re too loud.” Adam broke the silence as well as breaking my chain of thought. Before I knew it, Adam had rolled on top of me and was tickling me. “I’m going to tickle you if you don’t tell me what you’re thinking!” Adam said to me over the sound of my loud giggles. Wriggling to try and get away from him was useless as he was a lot stronger than I was.
“Stop! Stop! I’ll tell you!” I was able to get out inbetween my giggles and trying to catch my breath. Adam stopped at my comment but was still straddling my waist. “You’re going to need to get off me first though.” I spoke as my giggles died down.
As Adam got off me and was now back on his side of the bed, I slipped out of the bed and started walking towards the door of the bedroom. The soft carpet against my feet and inbetween my toes, Adams t-shirt hanging off of my small frame. As I was about to reach the door handle, his voice stopped me. “Uh, where are you going?” His face looked like a child whose mother was dropping him off at daycare, his voice laced with sadness and concern.
“To get your present.” I spoke as I turned to walk out of the door, my suitcases still downstairs from when the security dropped them off. “But what’s that got to do with what you’re thinking? You said you’d tell me, you better not be trying to distract me so that you don’t have to tell me Miss Swift.” Adam spoke as the look on his face become one of a sceptic.
My reply was just two words, “You’ll see,” and with that I walked out of the bedroom and downstairs. Once I had found the gift and was walking back upstairs to the bedroom, I found myself giving myself a small pep talk. ‘You can do this Swift. Just pull yourself together. He isn’t going to leave, he’ll be happy.’ As I was about to enter the room again, I took a deep breath and stepped in.
I saw Adam leaning against the headboard, phone in hand. When he had seen that I returned he placed his phone on the bedside table. The neatly wrapped present was still in my shaking hands as I walked over to him and crawled onto the bed, leaning back onto my legs as I left the present on Adams lap. My breath was caught in my throat as Adam leaned forward and kissed me, thanking me for the present.
Adam seemed the open the present tantalisingly slowly. He paused, looking in my eyes. “You sure you’re okay babe?” He asked, prolonging opening the present. “Just hurry up and open the present dammit, Adam.” I said to him as I pushed the present further into his hands, my heart beating out of my chest.
As the wrapping paper was off, Adam gave me a strange look. The white box confusing him. I nodded my head, encouraging him, getting more and more excited for him to know. He carried on opening the box, lifting the thin lid off of the rest of the box. Removing the tissue paper that lay on top of the contents, his eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, his face showing a mix of confusion and shock, which soon turned into compete shock and then happiness.
A huge smile was upon my face as I saw the clogs ticking in Adams mind, putting the pieces together slowly. His mouth was moving, but no words were coming out, speechless and this new revelation. He quickly glanced up at me, seeing the happiness on my face, reflecting his happiness. Looking down at the box, he pulled out a white baby onesie that read “My Daddy is the DJ” in little black letters, along with an ultrasound picture and the original pregnancy stick.
He held the onesie out in front of him, getting another look at it. Happiness was still engraved on his face. Adam dropped the onesie and climbed over to me, making me fall onto my back. He was on all fours, entrapping me between the bed and his body. “You’re-You’re pregnant?” He asked. At this point, tears were already streaming down my face. I nodded at his question and bit my bottom lip, “I found out in Australia.” I was looking directly into Adams eyes when I saw tears start to form, a grin still on his face. I brought my hand up to wipe away his tears as they started to form, my palm resting on his cheek.
“Congratulations, Daddy.” I whispered to him, my voice slightly horse from crying. He brought his lips down and crashed them onto mine, the saltiness of our tears mixing inbetween our kisses. He soon pulled away from the kiss and buried his face in the crook of my neck, his tears staining my t-shirt. “I swear you’ve made the happiest man on the planet for the second time this year.” He mumbled against my neck, his breath tickling me which caused me to let out a soft giggle. “First, you agree to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me,” He kissed my neck and then brought his face out of the crook of my neck and looked me in directly in the eyes, “And now, you’re having our baby.”
“I was scared that you were going to be mad, that you would leave and not want the baby.” I speak my fears to him, my hand absentmindedly gravitating towards my still flat stomach. “Tay,” He began, he moved his weight onto on arm, bringing his other hand to my cheek and then moving it to comb through my hair. “Was that what your panic attack was about? When you rang me in the middle of the night? You thought that I would leave you?” I nodded my head in response to his questions. He took his hand out of my hair and his arms locked either side of my head, his weight resting on his knuckles. Still looking me directly in the eyes, “The only person that I am ever going to love more than you,” He paused, his hand moving to rest on top of my hand on my stomach. His words were stern but yet full of love, wanting to make sure that I believed his words, “Is this baby. And the other five babies that we are going to have, okay?” He said the last part quickly, thinking I wouldn’t hear.
“Five?!” My mouth hung open, “I think you need to cool your jets, big boy. This one hasn’t even started showing yet.” I teased him. At the mention on the baby, Adam sat up and shuffled back slightly on the bed. His hand let go of mine and the took the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it up, revealing my stomach. He brought his head down and started talking to the baby. “Hey little nugget, I’m your Daddy.” He whispered against my skin. His fingers were gently tracing patters across my stomach, sending goosebumps all over my body. “I wanted to let you know how much I already love you, and that I’ll do everything and anything to keep you safe in this world. I’m the luckiest because I’ll have the two prettiest girls in the world in my life. I love you, Princess.”
At this point, tears were streaming down my cheeks as I watched Adam talk to your baby. When he was done, he placed three gentle kissed up my stomach and then leaned forward and placed one against my lips. I brought both of my hands up and placed them on his cheeks, pulling his head down to kiss him again, trying to convey just how happy I was in this moment. When we had run out of breath, Adam pulled away slightly, his forehead resting against mine. “Princess? You think the baby is a girl?” I whispered to him, not wanting to ruin the moment.
“I know its a girl, and she’s going to be just like her Momma, and I’ll love her just as much as I love you.”