my hand jobs are not second rate

Apple Pie Order

or Jack and Bitty see each other naked outside of the locker room

Bitty is in a mood. Most would call it restlessness, because that’s what it is. It’s because Bitty should be working on an essay for class, but he gets panicky every time he starts thinking about just how many words he has to write, so he’s on the hunt for a distraction.

Baking is too easy for a mood like this. He could do that with his eyes closed and half asleep. So, he falls back to his other fall-back. House-cleaning.

He’s already cleaned his room and the kitchen, and he’s tidied the main room, going so far as to give the green couch a very cautious wipe-down. He’s currently in the upstairs bathroom he shares with Ransom and Holster, earbuds in and blasting Beyoncé. The toilet has never looked so clean, and the grout he thought was a permanent fixture in the corner of the shower just needed a hospital strength cleaning liquid and five minutes of scrubbing.

He’s got all the bits and bobs for bathroom cleaning in a bucket, and he figures he’ll just do Jack and Shitty’s bathroom while he’s in the zone.

There is less to take care of in this bathroom, which is good but also bad because this is really the last place Bitty feels comfortable cleaning (he’s not going to mess around with anyone’s bedroom). After this he’ll actually need to do his school work.

He’s scrubbing at flecks of toothpaste on the mirror when Jack walks in to the bathroom.

Bitty didn’t hear him over the Beyoncé, but he for sure can see him.

One minute, Bitty’s focusing on a stubborn glob of toothpaste that won’t shift, and the next second there’s a penis in the mirror. Jack’s penis, specifically.

Keep reading

The Way That Your Lights Come On

Fandom: Gravity Falls

Pairing: Stanford/Stanley

Characters: Stanford Pines, Stanley Pines

Rating: Explicit

Words: 4015 

Tags/Warnings: Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Semi-Public Sex, Jealousy, Incest. First Time. Post-Canon

Summary: Ford’s jealous and Stan’s had enough.

Tumblr only note: Expanded on the “your fave acting slutty” + “jealousy” ficlet here. It’s overwrought, but that’s how I like my fic.
No Pressure - alenkoblue - Mass Effect: Andromeda [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Gil Brodie/Male Ryder | Scott
Characters: Gil Brodie, Male Ryder | Scott, Malachi Ryder
Additional Tags: First Dates, Fluff, Smut, Rimming, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex

Holding hands for a few seconds and sharing a kiss in the middle of a fledgling settlement was a nice way to start a relationship, but now it’s time for Gil and Ryder to go on their first actual date. If Bioware won’t give me the romance scenes I need, then dammit I just gotta write ‘em myself.
silver tongue - ohhotlamb - Haikyuu!! [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Haikyuu!!
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Characters: Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Office, Aged-Up Character(s), Hijinks & Shenanigans, Office Sex, Hand Jobs, Dirty Talk, But only a tiny bit, and a 2 second blowjob, theyre all dweebs, This is ridiculous
Series: Part 1 of he could become my little problem

“Oh my,” Tooru breathes weakly, staring straight ahead, his entire body tingling. Beside him, Kuroo gives a half-hearted grunt of acknowledgment.

“So you’ve said. Four times.”

“Oh my.”

“Five times.”

“Kuroo.” Tooru closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath through his nose. “It’s not just me, is it? He’s really as hot as I think he is?”

Galactica, part 10.

Hey guys. Can you believe we have already made it to part 10 of Galactica? To me it feels completly insane.

In this chapter Violet spends some alone time, Katya visits Trixie at work, Courtney continues to fuck up and we also meet everyones favorit supermodel.

A thousand thanks to @samrull and @toriibelledarling who are my rocks in the writing process of this story, and a special thank you to Nyx for being the darling you are <3

I’m looking forward to hearing what you think of this chapter!

(Rating: M)

Keep reading

Anonymous: Can I request a scenario of their lover breaking up with them?

(I am back with the second installment! Hope you like this one! It can get a little depressing though, so be warned! Also, there’s a lot of swearing for Laito’s scenario and a little bit for Subaru. Hope you guys don’t mind! Don’t be afraid to heart, reblog and follow! Enjoy.)


“Make sure you put as much sugar as you can,” Kanato ordered you. “but it can’t be too disgustingly sweet! Teddy doesn’t want a toothache.”

You stressfully sighed. “Alright. I’ll make your dessert as sweet and perfect as I can.” You poured all needed ingredients inside a bowl and started mixing; you made sure that you added extra sugar so he wouldn’t be able to complain.

“Tch. Teddy, she thinks she can make her food perfect enough for us? She can’t even cook eggs by herself!” Kanato giggled to himself as though he just heard the best joke in his life.

You clenched your fist on the wooden spoon until your knuckles turned painfully white. You were honestly trying to do what he asks, but every step you took was another mistake to him. He’ll find the simplest errors and criticize them like Kanato himself was the greatest cook in the world.

When you put your mix into the oven, you jumped as the childish vampire screeched at you from behind. “What are you doing?!?” He opened the oven’s door and threw the platter holding the food to the ground. You winced in pain as some of the shards scraped your skin. You decided to be brave. “I’m sorry, Kanato… What did I do wrong this time?”

He ground his teeth and glared at Teddy’s head. “(Y/N)-san is such an idiot, Teddy! She can’t do anything right!” His indifferent face contorted to a furious one. He stared at you with exasperation and looked to the stove. “Do you see that?” Kanato pointed at the boiling dark chocolate you were cooking earlier. “Well, do you? Answer me!”

You fearfully nodded. “Yes, I can see the chocolate, Kanato.”

“Alright,” he grinned at you with wide creepy eyes. “If you do then why didn’t you add it?!” He growled at you, enraged. “Everything would have been so much better if you used that pretty little head of yours!”

You knew that his tantrums weren’t to be taken lightly. “I’m really sorry! I’ll make a new batch! It’ll be a lot better and sweeter and-”

“No! No ! No! Teddy and I have lost our appetite because of you!” He stomped his foot on the ground like a petulant child. Suddenly, he started sobbing into his hands. You were surprised by his sudden change. “I was g-going to enjoy my sweets so much!” He wailed. “I was so hungry and T-Teddy wanted to eat something! (Y/N)-san must hate me so much!” He sobbed.

You were slightly freaked out by his bipolar attitude but you decided to placate him. “Kanato, I don’t hate you!” He shook his head in denial. “Really, I don’t!” The vampire was still bawling loudly. “I’m very sorry! Is there anything you want me to do?” You smiled when he stopped crying.

“You’ll do anything?” He softly asked you with a hoarse voice.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He grinned mischievously and you were starting to regret your promise. “Then… I can pour all of that steaming chocolate on you and you won’t get mad, right?”

“What? N-no, that’s no what I meant! Kanato, please don’t-”

Before you knew it, he poured the boiling hot chocolate all over you. You screeched as the heat touched your skin. It wasn’t enough to damage anything permanently, but it still hurt you a lot. Physically and emotionally.

“I love (Y/N) so much! Even if I hurt her, she didn’t get mad! She’s so sweet, Teddy”. The vampire hummed to himself. You shook your head and hissed a little. “Kanato, this is twisted! Argh! I can’t take this anymore! I don’t wanna see you, you monster!” You cried and rushed to the bathroom with tears streaming down your cheeks.

His purple eyes widened considerably. “Ne, Teddy? She doesn’t mean that, right? My precious (Y/N) won’t leave me, right?!?” He innocently cocked his head to the side.



It was lunch time and you were searching for Laito. He told you to wait for him at the school’s cafeteria but you were too restless. Your gut was telling you that something was wrong; that something was going to happen. You just didn’t know what.

Dejectedly, you closed the door of another empty classroom and checked inside the room beside it. You combed through half of the school and you still couldn’t find the fedora wearing pervert. You were starting to get worried. You knew Laito had the knack to go about and search for unneeded trouble.

Since not a lot of people were walking down the halls with you, the tranquil silence was your only companion. You felt your heart beat faster with every step. The annoying thing is, you have no clue why.

When you reached the end of the large school’s last floor, you decided to turn around and eat alone at the canteen if Laito decided to not show up. Before you could take a step back, you heard loud moaning inside the girl’s bathroom. You blushed and looked away. However, a very familiar voice rooted you to the spot.

“Ah~! Osana-chan is so sweet!” You heard Laito from the bathroom. You stayed quiet and listened. You felt like a creep, but you needed to know what was going on. “I just wanna keep you forever~! You’re the only one for me.” The vampire’s careless choice of words shattered your heart to dust.

You heard girlish giggles and you barely made out the sound of clothing being removed. Sucking in a deep breath, you bit your trembling lip and opened the door to the girl’s bathroom.

When you entered the room, you saw Laito and some brunette girl having a heated make out session. Laito didn’t have his shirt on and his partner was only in her scandalously thin and lacy bra and panties. Your chest hurt when you noticed that Laito was thoroughly enjoying himself.

In an attempt to stop them and to make your faint presence known, you boldly called out his name. “Laito! What are you doing?” You asked with narrowed eyes. You were slightly proud of yourself. Your facial expressions didn’t convey the inner turmoil you were experiencing.

He abruptly stopped kissing the brunette and acknowledged your enraged form. “Eh? What is my Bitch-chan doing here? I thought I told her to wait in the cafeteria…” He innocently pouted and brightened as he spoke his next sentence. “Do you want to join Osana-chan and I? A threesome doesn’t sound so bad~!” He giggled.

“You are such a jerk, Laito.” You smiled bitterly and looked at the ground in humiliation. With a shaky breath, you calmly tried to say what you wanted without looking like a desperate girlfriend. “I mean, I gave you everything, didn’t I? Did you get bored with me? Aren’t I as pretty as her?” You pointedly looked at the blushing whore Laito was still holding.

“Now, now, Bitch-chan! No need to get upset with me! Fu fu~” He smirked at you. “Didn’t you already know what you were getting into when you hooked up with me?”

You stared at him with an aghast front. “I’m not a fucking hook up! I am your girlfriend! You know, the one you’re supposed to run to when your hormones kick in?” You tried to cram that information into his skull. “I loved you, Laito! You’re what my life revolves around right now! And this is what I should expect in return? Stand by as you tell this brunette cumslut that you wanna motorboat her saggy tits forever?”

You ignored the wetness that streamed down your face. “Do you think you can just get a second rate hand job from a plastic bimbo and get away with it? Do you think I’d hop in a threesome with you? You’re more stupid than I thought, you manwhore!” You shouted brutally.

“But, Bitch-chan~!” He sighed dramatically.

You raised your hand in defeat and glowered him. “I give up! I’m tired of giving you chances. You can go eat a dick, you bastard.” You flipped him off. Before you left them, you scowled at the brunette. “Hey, you tramp! Have fun with the herpes you now have! If you have any questions, go ask Laito over there. He’s a real fucking expert.”



“Subaru, can we talk?”

“Huh? Um, yeah sure.” The albino hesitantly nodded. He wasn’t completely stupid; the apologetic tone you used and your averted eyes were dead giveaways.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “I’m really sorry, Subaru.” You looked at your shoes as though they were so interesting. “I just want you to know that there are no hard feelings and I completely understand if you want to falcon punch me in the face later.”

“Tch! Spit it out already!” He growled. “It won’t do you any good if you keep rambling nonsense.” Subaru was getting really nervous. He certainly did not like where this conversation going. He wanted to get it over with.

You laughed nervously. “Well, the thing is…” You guiltily looked up at his stunning bright red eyes. “I’m breaking up with you!” Quickly, you said. Your eyes glistened with tears as you finally said those words to him.

Instead of the instant answer you expected from him, you were worried when he simply stared at you blankly. You could practically hear the gears churning in his head as he mulled over your quick confession. This was going to end bad.

“… Why?” He asked you softly. All the evidence of his old brash self was replaced with a calm and accepting persona. “Please, (Y/N). I need to know.” His eyes begged you to reply. He wanted you to say that you were kidding. He wanted you to say that it was an anime thing he didn’t understand. He wanted you to laugh your beautiful laugh and continue the day together like always.

You averted your eyes and looked at anything else but him. You hated saying these words. “It’s nothing you ever did, Subaru… It’s all me. I’m not good enough for you! You deserve someone stronger! Someone much more beautiful! Someone that won’t get you angry every five minutes!” You remained stoic and prevented yourself from crying.

“What the hell, (Y/N)?!?” He yelled at you. “I don’t understand what the bloody hell kind of crap you’re telling me right now.”

You weakly winced at his sudden outburst. “It’s the same kind of crap girlfriends spew when they’re breaking all ties they have with their sweet, awesome and totally-out-of-their-league boyfriend.”

“But… But everything was going so perfectly! You’re lying to me!” He shouted loudly.

You played with your fingers awkwardly. “I’m not, Subaru. Please make this easier for both of us and break up with me.” You wanted to stop. You really did! But you knew that you couldn’t turn back.

“… I really am a monster, aren’t I?” He told himself.

He was going to start monologuing to himself, you knew it. “No, Subaru, you aren’t-”

Your boyfriend looked at you indignantly. “I’m not, huh? Are you sure?!? My own fucking girlfriend doesn’t want me! I’m too ugly for this world; too polluted. I might as well lock myself up.”

You gave one look at his heartbroken face and eloped him in a tight hug. “Oh, Subaru… You’re the sweetest and nicest person I know! I’m leaving you for the greater good.” You finished lamely.

“Okay.” He finally seemed to accept. “I’ll see you around.” He left you feeling like the worst person in the world.


“Did you do it? Can I talk to him now? Do you think I can be his next girlfriend?”

You glared at the girl. “Yeah. He’s pretty fucking sad and vulnerable right now. Knock yourself out.”

“Thanks, (Y/N)-chan! You’re so sweet!” She mockingly gave you a hug. She giggled and whispered in your ear, “Don’t worry, (Y/N)! Now no one needs to know your dirty little secret, right?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Aftermath (Kylo RenxReader)

Originally posted by trashwilldo

“You’re angry with me.”

Your eyes flicked up to his but you said nothing. You continued the task at hand and kept applying the iridescent serum on the burn that marred Kylo’s face. The cells were already repairing themselves, the mark already lightening.

“That’s it isn’t it?” His eyes narrowed as he searched your usually smiling face and found your mouth was set in a hard line.

“Not at all,” you sighed. You stood up and looked down at Kylo, taking him by the chin to examine the mark. Satisfied you had done what you could, you sealed the jar and placed it on a nearby shelf. “It’s something far worse than that.”

“What is it then?” You turned to face him before answering plainly.

“Disappointment.”  He immediately rose from his chair, hands clenched and brow furrowed into a glare. “Oh don’t bother,” you said unfazed. “The time for fighting has passed, which you failed at. Miserably. The proofs all…” you paused to flourish your hand at his face. “There.”

You stood your ground as he stomped toward you, forcing all the furniture of his way as his anger filled eyes met yours.

“You weren’t there you don’t understand!”

“I wish I had been.” you hissed. “Maybe then we wouldn’t be on an escape ship running to the other side of the system!”

“She was strong with the Force!” he yelled.

“So are you,” you seethed. “You’ve been training since you were a child and she discovered her powers mere hours ago yet here you stand, ‘Master of the Knights of Ren’, mutilated and defeated.”

“She was stronger than us!”

“Not stronger than me,” you spat. “You obviously, but not me. Maybe if you hadn’t been distracted with your familial ties she could have been apprehended earlier.”

“That was something I had to do. It was ordered by Supreme Leader.”

“Don’t use that as an excuse. Your father could have been dealt with at any time yet you let that take priority over the mission at hand. But at least we know you cannot be outmatched by 60 year old smugglers. Though it seems Wookies still pose a threat.” That comment made him snap and he grabbed you by the throat and held you against the wall. You kicked him in his injured side and he immediately let go. He fell to his knees, holding his side and gasping. You yelled out in frustration. “The command in this order is useless! First, Phasma allows herself to be blindsided and lowers our shields leaving us completely vulnerable. Then you go running around in the forest and let the scavenger and the traitor get away without even getting a glimpse at the map. At this rate will be done within months, if we’re lucky enough to get that much time!”

“Well since we failed so miserably what were you doing during all of this!” Kylo exclaimed. Within the next second you had a fistful of his matted hair and yanked his head back.

“My job!” you yelled. “If it hadn’t been for me we wouldn’t have even been able to leave that iceberg!” You opened your hand and shoved his head before grabbing the light saber from his belt. He grabbed your wrist to stop you.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking this so you don’t destroy or kill anything while I’m gone.” You snatched your arm away and clipped the saber on your belt next your own.

“Where are you going?” he demanded as you made your way to the door.

“To speak to Hux. Who would have thought he would be the only one I could count on.” You stopped when you reached the door and spoke softly, your back still to the injured sith. “I’ll be back later to check on you.” The doors slid open and you exited, determination in your step.  Kylo sighed and leaned back against an overturned table. He couldn’t remember the last he’d seen you this angry. If you were this angry with him, he felt bad for Phasma if she managed to run into you.  

why do straight people have such unrealistic standards for dating, like “ohh he has to be at least 5 inches taller than me and ripped but not grossly buff with brown hair and facial hair but not too much facial hair and he needs to be brilliant and rich and have an impressive job and live nearby and match my beliefs in every way possible and hunt for his food in the woods using only his bare hands, also he must have been to space and have blue eyes and speak 10 languages and play every instrument known to man.” ok that’s cool that you know what you like, but i will fall for literally any girl within a 150 mile radius who has thought about being queer for longer than 30 seconds. the world population cant possibly be growing at the rate it is if straights are this picky what’s going on