You know why I'm not okay?
I feel rejected. Abandoned. Not good enough. There are so many things I’m really good at and none of that helps. I have so many good traits and qualities and none of that helps. I have so many material possessions and accomplishments and none of that makes a difference.
Why? If society tells me all of those things will make me happy, why do I feel so far from it? Because none of those things make a difference. Your value is not determined by any of those things, you can’t change it. Happiness is all about human connection and I am isolated.
I have spent the last two months doing everything under the sun, taking every opportunity I can to distract myself and keep busy so I don’t have to face my feelings of unworthiness. Well now I’m feeling them. My value is always high and always the same, it never changes. I’m never unworthy but if I hide myself from the world, avoid talking about my feelings or even thinking about them to myself, and keep myself distracted 24/7, I will eventually fall into a dark hole.
I thought I was living a wild bold life but really it was a numb, reckless episode all part of an effort to distract myself from my inadequate feelings that can’t be changed by a hair cut or a piercing or another night of endless dancing. None of those things are really destructive but none of them are solutions, they just give me a temporary high and push off my feelings until later but they can’t make them go away.
People keep telling me I’m so brave and so fearless lately but in reality I’m just not okay and acting out. I feel completely detached from the things around me in a reckless way. My original plan was to cut off all my hair even shorter than it is, I didn’t care if it looked pretty or not. I didn’t wanna look pretty anymore anyway. It’s not some cool brave move it’s a cry for help.
I mean it is cool looking back that I’ve been able to take so much value off my hair and realize I’m still beautiful and a good person with or without it. I’m really enjoying this new chapter, don’t get me wrong. And I LOOOOVE my hair!!!! Regardless of the insane motives I’m so happy with it and I’m totally team short hair now haha. So many hairstyles I wanna try coming up, it’s definitely fun. I’ve just made it look like im doing really well, which is confusing cuz I partially have been, I’ve felt a lot of joy with all these changes, that joy is genuine, I just haven’t shown the storm inside of me cuz I didn’t even really realize it was there until the last few days. So I guess I couldn’t have shown you something I didn’t even know was inside me, that’s fair. I suppose I was trying to convince myself my life was awesome too. Which it is!?! But it’s not 100% good like I tried to believe it was. I’m having issues that I’m going insane trying to avoid.
All I’ve needed this whole time was to just take a second, sit down, stop running, ask myself what’s really going on, write out all my feelings, listen to a few key songs, bawl my eyes out for an hour or two and repeat it a couple times a week until I feel better. THAT’S IT. That is how I heal every time. Feelings aren’t that complex. Situations can be extremely complicated and confusing but the emotions they bring about are usually pretty straightforward. All you have to do is think about things that have happened to you that really hurt you and write down all the ways they made you feel. Get in touch with it. Cry. Feel it. Acknowledge it and then you’ll be able to finally let it go. I’ve been avoiding that for a while now which is weird for me cuz I’m usually so in touch with my emotions but I’m SO relieved cuz I finally just had the best cry of my life minutes before writing this. I listened to Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin (HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!!!!!!!!) and it describes me so perfectly like every single lyric, I totally needed that to release all that bottled up emotion. Sometimes you can’t identify things on your own, you need to hear someone else say it and then it clicks. I’m telling you I haven’t cried that hard in ages, that was deep. I really needed that. I already feel so much lighter and I’m gonna keep doing that until I feel better, if it takes weeks or months I don’t care. I KNOW I will release all this emotion and get to the bottom of this deep wound and H E A L. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. So don’t worry about me, just know that there’s way more than you see. I wanted you guys to know both sides of the story, even if it’s not quite detailed. I’ve been really reckless and impulsive compared to the way I usually live my life and while it’s been fun and exciting and explosive, it’s not a good way to live. I need to start thinking things through more again. I wanna calm down and respect myself and my need for peace and just breathe and face my feelings and take care of my heart. We all deserve to be protected and cherished and it needs to start from within.
Love you guys thanks for listening ❤️