my hair got pretty light tho

People are quick to coddle a skinny white girl complaining about her butt or thighs looking “too fat,” but let me confide in not feeling pretty enough because my skin is brown, nose wide, hair thick and kinky, and I’m Autistic, and I got my family like, “Oh, stop it! You’re not ugly and you know you’re not. You just want compliments.” People want to tell me, “It’s up to you to see the beauty in you.” And they’ll be like, “But you not ugly tho.” How come “beauty privilege” is only used to delegitimize the experience of oppressed brown women? A brown woman with a long, thick nose and bushy eyebrows can’t ever say she feels ugly because a general consensus deems her “pretty” but white and light-skinned girls with very narrow features and straight/curly hair can be like, “I have self-image issues,” and people are ready to accommodate their asses. You just feel white and light-skinned girls are “delicate” enough to be protected from pain but feel our brown and dark asses should be confident in spite of pain and turmoil. Like we’re already tough, abled-bodied and neurotypical, so we can never complain about our margins. It would help if I saw a woman in the media who looks close to me, which is why I do take it as a compliment for someone to tell me I look like someone. Who looks like me in the mainstream?

a list of things that are good: * one of my best friends asleep in my bed next to me, breathing pretty soundly, even tho last night i took him to the hospital bc his breathing was so bad, and he got diagnosed with a bad case of pneumonia and breathed heavy all of last night, and i was very scared, * the sound of the fan whirring, * the sound of his breathing, * the sound of summer nights outside the open windows, * only soft lights on, * and a few papers that are taped to my wall crinkling in the breeze, * me, sitting cross legged in my undies with wet hair from the shower, * reading short stories to myself, * crouched over in a little ball,* feeling the heat from the open windows, * hearing summer bugs, * feeling safe & loved & okay