my future adopted daughter is the most amazing person who ever existed

[This fic was requested by @lilsizzler I hope you all like it]

  I didn’t want to go, I really didn’t, but Jared had been right there and he gave me that look and suddenly I was agreeing to it when in my head I was screaming ‘WE ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING OMAHA FOR A DINNER WITH MY FAMILY’. That’s the good thing about adulthood; you learn how to cry on the inside. 
  I hadn’t been home in at least fifteen years, I hadn’t spoken to anyone other than my sister and brother and even then I didn’t talk to them nearly enough. It was a short text I had received that started this whole mess. I had been lying with my back against Jared’s chest and I was showing him an idea I had for lighting next time he went on tour when the cursed text enveloped my screen. 

***Flashback***

  “We are having dinner for moms birthday on the first and I really want you to be there. I miss you… I think she misses you too in her own way, promise you’ll think about it, yeah?”
  He had read the text so there was no point in trying to hide it or play it off. He knew I didn’t talk to my family but he didn’t know why. He had only met Julia once a year after we started dating and always asked now and again when we would see her next. I could tell he didn’t understand why I wasn’t close with them given how close he was with his mom and brother; I could tell he wanted to understand. 
  “Why don’t we go?”
  I made a move to leave the room but he pulled me back down on to the bed with a soft, hey. He tucked my hair behind my ears and took my hands in both of his. 
  “Talk to me, tell me what went down with you and your family.”
  Looking down at his hands in mine I felt tears prick my eyes and it took everything in me to force them back. My family issues, though to most they would seem small and irrelevant, broke me a long time ago. The degradation I faced… the worthlessness I felt… when I got out of there I left and I had no intentions of going back. 
  “It’s stupid, it’s stupid, if I tell you you’ll think it’s so stupid,” I croaked, my voice thick with emotion. 
  “If it isn’t stupid to you, then it isn’t stupid to me, hey,” he tilted my chin up so I was looking at him and one rogue tear escaped.
  His eyes softened and he brushed it away with his thumb, “If you don’t want to go, we won’t go. I just don’t want you to regret anything… they’re your family, Y/N,” he said softly. 
  Cupping his neck with both hands I took a shaky breath resting my forehead against his and I closed my eyes. 
  “Provehito in altum,” I whispered.
  “That’s my girl,”

***End of Flashback***

  Now here we are, in fucking Omaha of all places getting ready for a shit show in the hotel because I’d be damned if I stayed the night with Jared under my mother’s roof. Exhaustion seeped into my bones, but not in the traditional sense.
  There were different types of exhaustion, there was the exhaustion that followed an all night-er from cramming for a final, there was the exhaustion that met you after a long day of work, for me this was an exhaustion that I never wanted to feel again. It was an empty, draining exhaustion that wrapped around me like a blanket, it was a type of exhaustion that stemmed from deep dejection. It was an exhaustion that sunk its teeth into you and dragged you down into its darkness where it promised to make the sadness go away for a little while. It was the worst kind of exhaustion in my opinion.
 “Now what do we have here?”
  I smiled half-heartedly, unable to tell if he was trying to sound like The Joker or if it had just slipped out. Even though Jared’s hair was no longer green (I was surprised how much I missed it) and filming had wrapped up, Mister J made his presence known every now and again. Sometimes Jared wouldn’t even mean to, he could be talking for hours and not realise he had been speaking like Mister J the entire time. 
  I rose and looked down at my dress. It was a simple black peter pan neckline dress that went to about mid thigh, my stockings were purposely ripped and I wore my docs. I had changed several times while Jared had been in the shower, but I refused to tell him that. 
  “You look too formal, I mean I love the tie, but,” but my mother will silently judge you about it and talk about you in the kitchen. 
  Stop it. Stop it, you’re thirty-five get a grip. Shaking my head to clear it I smiled, pulling him close by the tie.
  “Don’t listen to me, it looks good, you… you look so good,” I whispered, brushing my nose against his before I gave him a kiss. 
  “I’ve never seen you so scared before,” he said, holding my wrist up in front of us as he inspected my violently shaking hand. 
  I pulled my arm from his grasp and I looked down. It took a while… it took meeting him to figure out who I really wanted to be. When I lived here, when I lived in that house I was a projection of a person. I wasn’t living really, I was just barely existing. I hated everything about myself, sometimes I still do, I was settling for a life I didn’t want and I was getting mad at myself for it. How angry it made me wishing for things to happen instead of making them happen. Then I reached fuck it. I sold everything I didn’t need and left. I landed a gig as an assistant a little while down the line to my future boyfriend’s band and now here I am seven years later. 
  He… helped me without even knowing it. He helped me by just being Jared, my funny wild child. He made me see what I had been missing, he made me more active, he has shown me parts of the world I never imagined seeing. Jared took my view of the world in its dulled hues and sombre tones and painted over it at first in soft watercolours, which gradually exploded into startling mosaics of colour. He helped me piece together a view of the world that made me want so badly to be a part of it, we created a masterpiece. He made me want to live, he awakened in me a curiosity and hunger for life that I had never had, and a genuine happiness I had never known. It angered me that the very mention of my family could taint that, even a little with old sadness. 
  “I’m not scared, not when I have you with me.”
  I wouldn’t want to face them alone.

***Jared’s P.O.V***

  For the first little bit I was tempted to pull Y/N into a corner and ask why she left to begin with. Her family seemed great, though her mom didn’t speak much at first, and her dad was a bit crass with his humour at times, but he seemed like he genuinely loved and missed his daughter. Her sister was as warm as ever, her husband was an interesting man to talk to, Y/N’s adopted brother seemed decent enough but it was obvious he didn’t want to be there. He even said as much, he told me he had only come to see Julia and Y/N.
  However, it was the little things that I started to notice. When her mom finally began to talk to her it was with a passive aggressive air. She kept making subtle jabs at Y/N and playing them off as jokes. 
  “That dress is too young for you yet too old. It reminds me of Wednesday Addams or one of the dead people at the cremation home down the street.”
  “Well, I like it,” she would say, and I noticed her eyes remained downcast. 
  She may be thirty five and look twenty, but the look she got when her mother spoke to her made her look like a little girl instead of the strong independent woman I had come to love. 
  “Look at you, getting defensive, you always got so defensive-”
  “Because you could never just keep your opinions to-” 
  “So your boyfriend’s a big shot?” I vaguely heard her mother ask at one point when I was talking to Julia. 
  “Jesus, do you have to say it like that? He’s amazing; can you be happy for me? He’s a singer, an actor, and the greatest person I have ever met so can that satisfy you? Why don’t you try talking to him? You might even like him.”
  Her mother simply shrugged, “Most rock stars are cheaters, I wouldn’t get my hopes up sweetheart, even if the sex is good.” 
  Y/N had left her then and I had followed. I found her in the attic with her face buried in her hands. 
  “Y/N?”
  “It’s stupid, it’s stupid, it’s stupid how easy it is for them to get into my head.   They say the most petty and insignificant things but they cut right through me like butter. They just pick, and pick, and pick until there is a part of you that is bloodied and raw,” she sounded so defeated I was almost ready to pull her to her feet and fly back to LA right this instant. I knew she hadn’t had it easy, she had the scars to prove it, and the fact that her mom got to her so fast worried me. Nothing ever got to Y/N, she had taken comments far worse than her mother’s when the press got wind that we were dating, but she brushed them off effortlessly. However, family are different than strangers. 
  Instead I extended a hand and she had looked up at me, “Together.”
  She took my hand and nodded.
  I noticed more things throughout the evening; her dad had a grudge with her. Every chance he got he would make a joke about her running away and dropping out of university. He would say a dozen times that he was “only kidding” but Y/N knew. I could see it in her forced smile, and feel it in the way her hand squeezed mine for reassurance.
  They were verbally beating her. Sitting down at the dinner table, I thought about everything I had seen today. I watched Y/N fade before my very eyes and it made me furious. These jokes that had been directed at her all evening were not jokes; they were subtle ways of putting Y/N in her place. It was her parent’s way of retying the strings she had work so hard to free herself from, and making their little puppet dance. They didn’t want to put the past behind them, instead they had trapped her in a pillory and they were attacking her with their words. 
  “You haven’t touched your food,” Her mom said, pulling me from my thoughts.
  “We’re vegans,” Y/N answered for me.
  Her mom gave her father a look, “You? A vegan? At least it must help keeping some of the weight off hmm? Oh, don’t give me that look, I don’t mean it like that. I just mean, it must be a fairly healthy lifestyle. You’ve lost a lot of weight, you should be proud of-”
  “All of that chit-chat is going to get you hurt, Mrs (Your Last Name)”
  Y/N’s mother glanced at me and so did Y/N.
  “Oh, that’s from that new movie coming out, isn’t it? That squad one.” Her dad laughed lightly.
  “Jared plays the Joker, he did a phenomenal jo-”
  “I’m sure, did you hear your sister Julia is pregnant?” 
  That was another thing, her mother kept trying to make it clear that Y/N was nothing compared to Julia. It made Julia uncomfortable, she knew what her mother was doing and yet she remained silent. Part of me felt she was just as guilty, then again I don’t really know her.
  “I didn’t. She was going to tell me something after supp-”
  “I’m so happy for her-”
  “You should be happy for, Y/N too,” I interjected.
  Her mother looked mildly irritated but she gave me a forced smile. My mom and Shan, they were my entire world along with Y/N. Sure we bicker and tease but not like this, this… this was abhorrent. 
  “Oh?”
  “Jared, don’t,” Y/N whispered, but Mister J was taking the wheel on this one.

***Y/N’s P.O.V***

  I saw a shift in Jared, a familiar one, one that made me nervous. Jared stood up and I could hear Mister J in the guttural noises Jared was making. 
  “I don’t like the way you’re treating my doll,”
  “Y/N knows we’re kidding, don’t you?” My mom said flippantly.
  “I don’t think you are,  you see, I know jokes,” my dad clued in to what Jared was doing and made a comment, but Jared ignored him.
  “I know jokes like the back of my hand and You. Aren’t. Funny.” 
  An ache swelled in my chest, an ache so deep that I couldn’t force the tears down any longer. They broke through the dam and spilled over the edge silently. 
  “You say you missed her? You missed her? Tell me you missed her Mrs. (First letter of your last name).”
  My mom shifted in her seat, “I missed her-”
  We all jumped as his hands slammed down on the table, a crazy part of me wanted to laugh while a sane part was already covering myself in dirt and marking my grave. 
  “Now that’s funny, because I’m not really getting that vibe. Ever think maybe she left, because of you?” He asked.
  My gaze jerked to Jared but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were burning a hole through my mother.
  “You have no right to be talking about matters that are none of your business. If Y/N wants to make this the Y/N show like she always has that is completely up to her. She wasn’t beaten-”
  “Physically,” I whispered.
  “Oh please, Y/N give us a break. You always made us out to be the bad guys, we made sure you and your sister had every opportunity that your mother and I didn’t and how are we repaid?” My dad yelled joining the party, he rarely ever yelled.
  “You are repaid with a daughter who had to sever all connections with you in order to be happy and successful,” The Joker laughed.
  Rising from the table I made a quick exit. 

***Jared’s P.O.V***

  I glared at her parents who had sour twists to their mouths and their eyes told me that they were the type of people who would never admit that they were wrong.
  “Don’tcha just love birthdays?” I liked to say it was Mister J who knocked the cake off the table, but it wasn’t.
  “I think you should leave,” her mother gritted out. 
  I laughed, the Jokers laugh, “Funny how people keep leaving you guys. First your daughter, then your son, right Noah? It makes one wonder whether you’re the reason for them leaving, hmm?”
  I walked away and Y/N’s brother, Noah followed after me. “Is it wrong to say I enjoyed every minute of that?” 
  “They had it coming, where’d Y/N go?” 
  I had the keys so she didn’t drive off and I know she wouldn’t have gone back into the house. Noah opened the passenger door, 
  “I know where she goes when she wants to be alone.” 

***

  Noah decided to wait in the car while I slipped into the theatre. It looked like it had been closed for some time but it was still in good shape. She was sprawled out on the stage humming a song I knew all too well, so I decided to sing along.

***Y/N’s P.O.V***

  I felt embarrassed and over dramatic. I wanted the earth to swallow me up, and I wanted to erase everything that just happened. Jared didn’t know it at the time, but he made me fall in love with him all over again. He may have been channelling the Joker but in that moment, with my parents, he was my Batman. I just wished he didn’t have to see all of that. I wished he didn’t have to see that part of me because I thought that part of me was gone. I wanted it to be gone, but it never will be, I know that now. 
  Lying on the stage floor I felt oddly at peace. I had settled something within myself. I had often wondered if I wanted to be a part of my parent’s lives again and this confirmed that I didn’t need them. I didn’t need them to complete me, I wasn’t missing anything without them… I was already complete. I hummed my song and the feeling of throbbing sadness I usually felt when I listened to it or thought of it did not surface. Instead with every note I began to feel lighter, even more so when I heard his voice. 
  What if I wanted to break
  Laugh it all off in your face
  What would you do? (Oh, oh)
  What if I fell to the floor
  Couldn’t take all this anymore
  What would you do, do, do?

  I sat up, watching him with tear glistened cheeks as he walked slowly down the aisle.

  Come break me down
  Bury me, bury me
  I am finished with you

  What if I wanted to fight
  Beg for the rest of my life
  What would you do?
  You say you wanted more
  What are you waiting for?
  I’m not running from you (from you)

  He slowly walked up the stage stairs and my chest was rising and falling rapidly with the strength of my emotion.

  Come break me down
  Bury me, bury me
  I am finished with you
  Look in my eyes
  You’re killing me, killing me
  All I wanted was you

  He dropped to his knees in front of me, practically whispering the only lines that seemed to matter now as he wiped my tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

  I tried to be someone else
  But nothing seemed to change
  I know now, this is who I really am inside.
  Finally found myself
  Fighting for a chance.
  I know now, this is who I really am.

  “So, that could have went better,” I broke the lengthy silence that followed.
  “Believe it or not, that was not my worst birthday party.”
  I laughed lightly before digging my teeth into my lower lip to try to keep a sob from escaping. I swear with the amount of tears I have shed today alone, it had to be a record, but there was a good reason for it. Two, actually.
  “I’m really sorry you had to see all of that-”
  “Don’t apologise for them, in fact, forget about them. If they don’t want to make amends that is their problem. You already have a family.”
  “I do,” I agreed, my voice trembling.
  “You have me, Shan, Tomo, and my mom-”
  “And our kid,”
  “Yeah and our- I’m sorry, what?” He asked and I half laughed half sobbed.
  “I thought telling you now would be the perfect end to a shitty day, but I could be wrong and even if you’re not happy, I am every happy because I am having your baby Jared Leto.”
  He pulled me into a bone crushing hug and I sobbed into his shoulder as he massaged soft circles into my back. He was telling me how excited he was but I could barely hear him. 
  “I love you, I love you, no one has ever stood up for me like that before. I love you. I love you,” I kept repeating until he silenced me by showering my face with kisses.
  “I’ve never seen you cry this much,” he said.
  “I know, it’s awful,” I groaned and he laughed. 
  He placed his hands on my still flat stomach and rested his forehead against mine before whispering, “This kid is going to have the best life ever, and they will think we are so awesome that they will never want to leave.”
  I hiccuped a sob, “Promise?”
  “I promise, baby,”
  “That is very nice, but I was asking Jared, Mister J,”
  Jared laughed hard, “Oh, right, I promise.”
  “I love you,” I whispered, kissing him softly.
  “I love you too, Y/N.”

[So this started off small in my head and then blew up into this angsty fluff fest. Thank you @lilsizzler for giving me all the feels writing this one. I hope you all like it.]

Kill Me Heal Me appreciation post

So Kill Me Heal Me ended yesterday and the last episode was soooo beautiful (withdrawal is gonna be bad). The show did so many things right and I’m gonna talk about them…let’s go!

1. That acting tho…

I think I can safely say we all agree Ji Sung deserves every FREAKING AWARD! He successfully portrayed 7 personalities, all with their own individual fashion styles, manner of speaking and facial expressions. Seriously I thought they hired extra actors. Hwang Jung Eum did a spectacular job portraying Oh Ri Jin, the strong willed, comedic, happy psychiatrist who helps Cha Do Hyun with his DID. She managed to blend a gentle but firm demeanor which is exactly what the 7 personalities, who often get out of hand (-cough- Shin Se Gi, Yo Na -cough-) She was the reliable rock Cha Do Hyun needed but was also not afraid to lean on her family for support.

I loved them both so much in Secret ( a drama where they portray possibly one of the most melodramatic couples ever-seriously it will rip your heart out) I was thrilled to see they were paired up again portraying a somewhat lighter couple.

The rest of the cast was incredible, no matter how small the role everyone really worked hard and did their best to produce an incredible drama.

Special shout out to the child actors who portrayed very difficult roles and mini CDH did an amazing job showing us his Shin Se Gi.

2. That OST tho…

Hands down one of the best OSTs of all time! Auditory Hallucination sung by Jang Jae In and rapper NaShow was beautifully raw and powerful. It blended a killer rap and healing ballad (see what I did there) that really portrayed the shows theme of Cha Do Hyun’s struggle and Oh Ri Jin’s soothing guidance.

3. Those second leads tho…

Feel free to disagree with me but the second leads didn’t feel like true second leads. Usually second leads prove to be a heavy impact on the main couple, often even pulling them apart or making the leads doubt if they are with the right person. This was not the case here. 

Our first lead Han Chae Yeon is Cha Do Hyun’s first love that never was. Though he had a huge crush on her he never asked her out because of his DID and she went on to date his cousin. When he returned to Korea he only ever talked about her fondly since he was able to care about another person freely before DID took over his life. However he doesn’t instigate any romantic contact with her and he’s only concerned for her because Shin Se Gi will try to hurt those close to him. She on the other hand seems to enjoy the idea of having a pining love because when CDH doesn’t show any interest in her she becomes angry and tries to keep him tied to her by showing up unexpectedly at his house, breaking up with her BF, and secretly trying to get them engaged. She gets shot down hard and CDH sees right through her for the manipulative, possessive person she is.

The second lead is Oh Ri On, Oh Ri Jin’s adopted “twin” brother. Though it was established in the beginning that he had romantic feelings towards ORJ this was pushed aside to focus on his brotherly support and protectiveness. The only time he intervenes between the couple is when his sister is kidnapped. Fearing for her safety he demands that CDH stay away from her so she will be safe and no longer have to deal with the pain of her past. However when ORJ decides to stay with CHD because she loves him and wants to help him uncover his past he respects her decision. Though it pains him he decides to put her first and just become the best brother in world. YOU RULE OPPA!

4. That OTP tho…

Cha Do Hyun and Oh Ri Jin how do I love thee let me count the ways…

My babies, my sweet beautiful babies whom I love and hold in my heart forever. They portrayed a beautiful couple with a painful past and managed to turn it into a beautiful future. Their fate was tied when they were kids and sealed when they met again as adults. The reason why I don’t think there were any true second leads was because of their devotion to each other right from the beginning.

(This is the face that says “i like you”)

When they meet again outside the hospital Cha Do Hyun’s interest and attraction is obvious as is hers thought they both do there best to keep it from each other. As the drama progresses and they end up living together they become comfortable with each other and show skinship easily. Their romantic destiny is sealed when CDH ignores Shin Se Gi’s warning to stay away from ORJ and goes in for not just one but two kisses ( a rarity in the KDrama world- AND NO ONE AWKWARDLY WIDENED THEIR EYES AND KEPT THEM OPEN AS THEY KISSED!!!!) The fact they are open with each other, help each other and overcome great obstacles seals this couples fate as one of the greats in Kdrama history. 

5. That Oh family tho…

Oh Ri Jin’s adopted family is one of the greatest families ever. From Mama Oh’s gruff but gentle love, Papa Oh’s silly but wise words and Oh Ri On’s teasing but protective affection proves that imperfect but happy families can exist. They rescued their daughter from a life threatening situation and swear to raise her and protect her. They never once treat her less than own their flesh and blood child and support ORJ’s choice about her career and her love life while never being overly intrusive. For raising and protecting a beautiful child kamsamida!

6. That medical accuracy tho…

Medical done right. One of my many issues with medical dramas (and it’s little tiny minor thing with a HUGE IMPACT) is the fact they bulldoze right over the doctor patient confidentially. Yes I understand you need to progress your dramas plot line by having the doctor reveal the secret illness but work hard to think of a more creative reveal. KMHM main psychiatrist read the oath and wore in on his chest, never telling CHD family why he had been visiting him for so many years. They also take their time in explaining DID and how each of the different personalities work. Also since ORJ is a psychiatrist she was easily able to identify that CDH had DID. Thank you for not dumbing down a smart character for sake of the plot.

7. The child abuse…

One of the most serious themes of this show was the physical and mental abuse CDH and ORJ went through as children and the main reason for their trauma and CDHs DID. It was powerful and I think I was not alone in the anger I felt watching CDH’s father abuse ORJ in order to punish his son who ends up having mental damage. Abuse is not a topic that was glossed over lightly and it showed that everyone involved in the abuse, even those who just watched and ignored it were guilty of the crime (basically why I hated the entirety of Seungjin Group). When CDHs father woke up from his coma CDH didn’t allow him to play the victim for a moment and made it clear he wanted nothing to do with him. ORJ as well told her abuser if she ever forgave him it would be for the sake of bringing peace to Shin Se Gi and Cha Do Hyun who had to suffer and atone for his sins. It would never be for his peace of mind. 

Thank you to all the fans that came together to donated a little over $20, 000 to abused children because of this show. You are all amazing and have my deepest respect.

8. Those personalities tho…

Like I would forget to talk about the 7! All the personalities were amazing like I said earlier Ji Sung did an amazing job and I cried when each one left in order to give CDH peace. 

(I also do fan service ;) kekeke)

Shin Se Gi the personality who was the most hurt because he took all the painful memories of the past was aggressive but with the heart of a little boy who just wanted to be loved. This character was cool, sexy, and stylish. He and ORJ shared many deep and hilarious moments (rap scene anyone) He proved to be ORJs protector and grudgingly left only after CHD promised to remain strong and protect their girl. “You are me, I am you”

Yo Na won everyone’s heart (except her Oppa’s) with her antics and pink lip gloss and school uniform.She became so popular they even had real fans showup to cheer her on as she chased Oh Ri On down the street. Obsessed with handsome oppas (especially Oh Ri On) she took on CDHs stress. She and ORJ had a dueling sisters relationship, calling each other wench. After taking picture with her oppa and kissing him Yo Na departed to join her twin Yo Seob and it was sad to her go. I was happy to see her back in the body of a real girl who of course fell in love with her Oppa right away chasing him out of the bookstore.

Yo Seob was the suicidal but genius personality. Unlike his twin sister he’s introverted and prefers book and classical music. The gentlest personality he is the reason ORJ decides to become CDH personal doctor. Because CHD tried to kill himself at 17 Yo Seob was created and I wish they had also touched on this topic but with so much going on I understand why they didn’t. His goodbye happened early in ep 18 and he waited for his twin to show up before leaving permanently. 

Perry Park was the bomb making, boat obsessed, just trying to have one beer personality. The oldest personality Perry was fun and turned out to be the representation of CDHs father before he became abusive. Being the first to leave he dispenses wisdom to ORJ telling her to “be healthy and live freely” with CDH. His antics were hilarious and I was happy he finally drank his beer.

Nana the youngest personality was created in memory of ORJ. She was created at the same time as Shin Se Gi but only surfaced when CDH met ORJ. Born from the guilt and belief that she was dead Nana only ever appeared as a bear who turned out was the real Nana (talk about plot twists) and her real name was Cha Do Hyun (the plot twist that has us clutching our hearts and gasping for air).

Mr. X the mysterious personality finally showed up in the final episode. Dressed as a magician with a briefcase he was created to guide Nana as he was her father. Though his appearance didn’t have a huge impact on the already tied loose ends he was the “father” of ORJ and CDH promises to protect and cherish ORJ. Satisfied he and Nana leave together.

Thank you to entire cast and crew of Kill Me Heal Me you all worked so hard and it shows through the amazing fans you have! You all deserve all the awards!!!!