my finger tips are numb

Devils from the Lake || Jughead J.

18. “Hey calm down, they can’t hurt you anymore.”

Requested by anon.

Song: Foreign Tongues (Acoustic Version) - Dirtcaps, Eleni Drake


I couldn’t see anything and my hands were tied.

I couldn’t see anything and I could barely think straight.

I couldn’t see anything and was about to be killed.

My captor was arguing with Jason Blossom, I wanted to cry. Tears were actually running down my face, but I mean the ugly, loud, screaming type of cry, that was the cry I wanted. But my mouth was frozen shut, I was paralyzed.

I couldn’t focus on what was being said between the two, not even if I tried. Panic invaded my body, all the way from my finger tips down to my toes. I was numb.

“Run!” I heard Jason yell at me, pushing me up and towards safety. “Go.” He words finally registered and my legs took off. I yanked the blind fold away from my eyes so I could see after I tripped over a branch.

I ran, ran, and ran.

And then I heard a gunshot, echo throughout the forest.


I wanted to turn around, but his words ran through my head, and I continued running.

My head snapped up from my desk as the bell rang, signaling the end of class. I gathered my papers together, shoving them in a book and the book shoved in my bag, traces of panic still in my finger tips.

I walk out of U.S. History, my body numb, and my legs feeling as if they’d give out from underneath me, but I kept walking. I kept walking trying to shake the feeling, live through the pain. Holding my head up high with Jason’s final words echoing throughout my head, reaching every dark, empty corner, and echoing back. Live through the pain.

I live through the pain, because Jason’s not here. He gave up his chance of surviving to get me out of there. Reasons I don’t even know why, I never talked to Jason that much. Hold your head up, live through the pain.

It was hard to do that. The town thought I killed Jason, Cheryl wanted my head, people whispered in my wake.

The panic returned to my finger tips, spreading through my hands and up my arms, slowly taking control of my body. My breaths started to get uneven, it was hard to breathe.


“You should be dead, not Jason.”

“You’ll be locked up soon.”

“I’m sure she was just jealous of Jason and Polly, that why she killed him.” I caught figments of conversations, the gunshot echoing through my head, along with Jason’s words drove me over the edge.

I started pushing through people, though it didn’t seem to do much, I couldn’t feel my hands, anything. I felt weak and helpless, just like I did on July fourth. I finally broke through the crowd and ran.

I didn’t know where, the tears blurred my vision. I just kept running like I did that afternoon.

“Are you okay?” I heard the voice ask, before I felt the owner holding onto my arms, I’d run into them.

I looked up, finding Jughead Jones standing in front of me.

“I need to get out of here.” I said, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them. He pulled me out of the hallway into an empty room.

“No, I need to get out of this school,  I’m not safe here.” The panic kicked full in, and I felt like my captor and Jason’s murder was right around the corner. I was full on in hysteria. “They’re going to get me.”

“Hey calm down, they can’t hurt you anymore.” He said, pulling me into his chest.

I finally let out that cry.

My heads were balled up in his shirt, my head buried deep in his chest as I cried. He didn’t say anything but held me and I was greatful for that.

Once my breathing evened out and my sobs stopped, we just stood there, holding onto each other, then I finally spoke.

“Thank you.” I said, still latched onto him.

“Its nothing,” I pulled away from him, looking into his eyes. “Are you better now?”

“Yeah,” I looked down at my feet, holding onto my arm with the opposing hand.

“Hey, what do you say to skipping the rest of the school day, and going to Pop’s? A hamburger and a milkshake from there is always the best cure, in my opinion.” Jughead suggested, I looked up at him again, cracking a smile, laughing a little.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” I agreed.

“Well, lead the way.” He said, extending his arm out to the door, I laughed.

And for the first time since July 4th, I got a sense of normalcy back, and things were good for that moment.

Masterlist || Prompt List

You Look Happier (Grayson x Reader)

Summary: Requested by anon: “your imagines are so good omgomgomg!!! is it possible if you could do a grayson imagine based off the song happier by ed sheeran? and could it be grayson’s pov? thx!!:)”
Word Count: 2,049
Warnings: Alcohol abuse, heartbreak. I cry.
A/N: I love this song, it’s saaad. Like who hurt Ed Sheeran so badly? :( Anyway, hope you like this dear anon. Thank you guys so much for almost 200 followers. Also, this is my 100th post, yay! Listen to the song for the full effect.


“Walking down 29th and park, I saw you in another’s arms
Only a month we’ve been apart, you look happier”

We had walked around town, Ethan and I, searching for a good location to film our newest video in. I hadn’t expected it at all, I hadn’t seen it coming. But there she was, in another man’s arms. She was standing outside a clothing store, bright smile on her face as she wrapped her arms around the man’s neck. It was like something had pierced my heart at the sight, because that smile was once only reserved for me. I stopped in my tracks, feeling like the breath had been knocked out of me and the tip of my fingers became numb. She looked so happy, way happier than she had looked when she was with me at the final stage of our relationship. Sure, it had been a month and she deserved to be happy because I had hurt her pretty bad, stuff that wasn’t supposed to be said, was said, and now she had moved on.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Will you tell your side of the story? What was it like to be in subspace? How did it feel?

Of course I’ll tell my side anon😄

So at first it just sorta felt really good and naughty, being blindfolded and slowly edged and teased. But as the time went on and my mistress @getyourfemmedomon put more restrictive orders on me, I felt like I was slowly sinking in mud. It started slow, I began to lose touch with the concept of trying to squirm and bring myself to the edge.

As she continued to edge me, I felt certain parts of my body going numb, like my finger tips and my nose *which with me isn’t uncommon, I have crap circulation* but not cold, just tingly. After the 3rd or 4th time she edged me, I felt completely hers, like everything she said was to be taken as if it were my own conscious thought. If she said to turn over I would have listened without hesitation cause it felt like I was the one who said to turn over.

When she ordered me to keep my hops on the bed or I don’t get to cum, I was completely gone. There was no struggling, no squirming. I felt completely under her control. My body belonged to her, she had complete control over my pleasure. The only thing that was still under my control was begging. I begged and pleaded with my mistress to let me cum. Panting and moaning and feeling like I was in molasses.

When she finally gave me permission to cum, it was almost as if she had given me the winning lottery numbers. I felt so thankful that she let me cum.

When I came, after the first few bursts, my vision under the blindfold dipped and everything felt slow and sounded like I was underwater for about 8 seconds. When I regained my hearing, I felt so completely under her control that I couldn’t do anything but thank her endlessly, because it felt like I wasn’t allowed to do anything without her permission, as though she would take care of me.

I kept the blindfold on for a good 15 minutes, because I was so deep into the sub space that I felt like i didn’t deserve to have it off yet. Mistress gave me water, and snuggled me and kept me grounded and wrapped my fuzzy blankets around me, and kissed me and replied to every single one of my thank yous. She said how I was a good boy, and that sent shivers through my body. Moving and speaking was strange, like everything was in slow motion and voices sounded far away. It took about 20 minutes for me to come out of the space enough to Talk about it with her, and another 15 to fully leave it.

It was incredible and powerful and I wanted it to last forever, and it was just so new and cool and eye opening about sub space for myself.

Hope that answered your question anon 😄😄

k-doug-deactivated20170717  asked:

Hello darling! If it's not too much trouble could you do 7, 8, and 14 for the kissing prompts with Bokuto? If you only want to do two then could you please do numbers 7 and 14. I can't wait for the completed writing, Thank you a million! -(One of you're biggest supporters, Admin Sunshine)

Oh my dear Sunshine, thank you so much for this request and your sweet words. I hope this makes your day a bit brighter!

Koutarou Bokuto

#7: running their thumb over the other’s lips

#8: when they lean forward a fraction as if to kiss the other person, then realize they shouldn’t and pull back to stop themselves

#14: a hoarse whisper “kiss me”

“If you keep staring at her, I’m going to peg you on the next serve,” Akaashi warns Bokuto.

“But Akaaaashii,” whines the ace, “she’s so pretty! I mean, how can I not look at her?”

“Do it on your own time, we need to practice,” the setter returns evenly.

However, even scolding from his best friend can’t fully deter the ace from stealing glances in your direction. Ever since you joined as the team’s manager this year, his large eyes frequently found themselves glued to you. Either you were completely oblivious or simply ignored his attention because you never seemed to notice.

It was late, practice having run long in preparation for Nationals, but Bokuto was still at it, practicing spike, after spike after spike until Akaashi finally told him enough was enough.

“My finger tips are getting numb Bokuto and you need to rest too. We’ll pick it back up tomorrow,” he said, grabbing his bag and walking out of the gym ignoring the protests of the ace.

“Damn it,” he says grabbing a towel and wiping his brow. He knows Akaashi is right but he needs to be perfect, needs to have everything dialed in. He’s pent up and excited, eager for next week when the games officially begin. The sound of squeaking wheels draws his attention away from his own plight and he sees you wheeling the ball cart out. Silently, you begin picking up the balls, walking back and forth across the gym to gather the mess he and Akaashi made.

Feeling guilty as he realizes this is not the first time this happened, he makes his way to the other side of the net.

“You did really well today Bokuto-san,” you say with a soft smile, the one that makes his heart jump higher than Hinata.

He grins. “Hey, hey, hey! Of course, I did, I’m the ace after all,” he bellows making you giggle.

To everyone else, Bokuto’s behavior can be rather annoying but you think he’s cute. And it’s not like he doesn’t have reason to be proud; he’s really that good. You just wish he could keep a handle on the swing of his emotions, not so much for your sake but for his own.

Bending down, Bokuto picks up a few of the volleyballs, easily tossing them into the cart. With his help, the task is finished in half the time.

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that,” you say, a slightly blush to your cheeks. “I know you must be exhausted,” you add.

“Nah, I’m fine, plus, it’s my fault you stayed late in the first place,” he says a little quieter than normal. He follows as you wheel the cart into the storage room. Once inside, he watches as you fold the towels just brought back from the laundry, their clean scent rather refreshing in the enclosed space. Deciding he wants to spend more time with you one on one, Bokuto grabs a towel himself, trying to fold it.

Seeing how poorly he’s doing, you giggle again taking the fluffy material from his hands, the graze of your fingers against his making his pulse race. “You’d think you’d never done laundry before,” you tease correctly folding then placing the towel on the shelf.

Sheepishly, he rubs the back of his head. “Well, I kinda don’t, my mom tried to get me to but one time of me ruining a whole load of whites by turning them grey made her banish me from all laundry duty.”

You laugh out loud, partially spitting out some of the water you’d just taken a sip of. Without thinking, Bokuto trails his thumb over your lips to wipe away the excess water, the action and touch drawing a slight gasp from you. Leaving his hand on your cheek, he leans forward, entranced by how soft your lips feel. When he realizes what he’s doing, Bokuto draws back again but your hand grasping his free one stops all motion.

Looking into your eyes, he can’t believe it when you whisper hoarsely, “Kiss me.”

He doesn’t hesitate, mouth covering yours with his own, and both hands wrapping into your hair. He can taste your coconut lip gloss when his tongue grazes your bottom lip. He’s surprised when you open up to him easily, tongue moving out to meet his, the connection making him moan lowly.

Bokuto wonders if maybe he’s dreaming especially when your hands wander under the back of his shirt, finger nails lightly scratching his skin. His own hands trail the edge of yours, thumbs drawing little circles against your flesh.

Things are escalating quickly, a bit too much, so you both pull away heaving heavy breaths.

“Sorry,” you both say at the same time but then laugh.

“I mean, I’m not sorry for kissing you,” Bokuto says quickly, grasping your hands.

You smile. “I know, me either.”

“Y/N, would you…would you consider going out with me?” You’ve never heard Bokuto speak so softly.

Leaning up, you kiss him gently. “If you couldn’t tell after that kiss how much I like you, you really are a simpleton.” You laugh when he pouts, pecking your lips against his protruding lips. “Of course I’ll go out with you silly.” Your answer drives away his gloom instantly, your own lips widening in a big smile when he lifts you into a giant bear hug.

Here we go, the first shot of alcohol- it burns my throat. But not as bad as when you left.

Second shot. My nerves are set on fire, straight down my spine. Just like when your finger tips used to graze my skin.

Third shot. Everything is numb. It cures my sadness, kind of like how your smile used to.

Fourth shot. Are those tears or are the drinks making me blind, so that I no longer need to see the face that made me weak in the knees?

My fifth shot of alcohol- it’s almost as warm as your breath was…and
Thank god, it knocks me out,

But the first thought that crashes through my unconscious mind, are your eyes; how much I loved them when you gave me your sweet promises, how cold they became when you broke all of them.
—  Nicole Torres // when someone whispers your name, bring out the drinks //excerpt #59

Right Down My Dichotomy

I’ve been researching
About my dichotomy of self
I feel like I’ve been drinking
From that top shelf
And I still have little lobotomy
When I feel it necessary
A break, like glass and cars-

I’ve been working to compensate
Took the mess with stoicism
I could feel myself to my finger tips
Dissociative numb shaking away
In pins and needles

I learned my limits
But couldn’t always apply it
Sometimes I wonder
If I might split right down
My dichotomy.

Next Winter

Type: Drabble

Member: Hoseok

WARNING: read at your own mental risk

She was born in December. She always told me it was snowing outside when she first came into the world. The story went, that in honor of the white world outside and the first birth of the winter, the nurses chose the only frost colored blanket they had to swaddle her in and dubbed her the winter princess.

It was December when I met her, decked out in a white jacket and matching hat, all tucked away in the corner of the bus stop, out in the snow. She blended right in with her background, timidly looking over the pulled up collar of the jacket. For a moment, I thought she was my imagination playing until she spoke to me.

“Excuse me, do you happen to have a phone on you? I got myself lost.”

She didn’t seem to recognize me, despite the growing popularity of the boys and I over the last year and a half. I found comfort in that, as though I were a new person. That’s how she always made me feel. Like I was brand new. They tell us at the company not to give out our phones, in case we get ourselves into trouble, but I couldn’t help myself. She looked at me so kindly that even standing in the cold wind, I felt cozy and warm. It was my first experience with the power she would have over me, and already I was hooked.

On our first date she wore a summer dress the color of Easter Lilies. Even though the world had returned to it’s normal lively green color, she was still elegant and beautiful, like the first winter snowfall. That was when she first told me the story of her birth, and the nickname stuck, becoming an affectionate term when I spoke of her to the others. This was when I began to feel the gentle clenching in my chest, like my heart was forgetting to pump blood to the rest of my body. It never scared me though, I just felt exhilarated. To me, she was made up of all the good things in the world, children’s laughter, a puppy’s bark, the sun on your skin on a windy day. Even when she spilled her coffee all over my good outfit, I still saw her as flawless.

“You’ll never get that out! I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

When she met the boys for the first time, she brought a painting for the dorm, a sparkling scene of Christmas, frosted over and shimmering. It was then that I found the talents that she had, and I decided even if the boys didn’t like it, I’d take it for myself and love it endlessly. Upon arriving, she smiled so widely it looked like she might crack her face. After being introduced to everyone the picture was produced and offered up. It was greedily accepted and hung on the wall, a symbol of all we had to look forward to when the holidays rolled around.

“I wasn’t sure what to give a group of famous boys. I painted it myself and thought maybe you’d like to put it up.”

Five months later when we slept together for the first time, she donned a matching pair of cream colored lace underwear that caused her skin to glow. When she removed her clothes and shyly looked away from me, a pink color rising to her cheeks, I felt my heart fail for a few moments. I fell in love a thousand times harder when I felt her breath against my neck. The feeling of her skin against mine and the gentle sounds she made, all of it sent me spiraling into madness. I explored every inch of her I could get to, finding what made her tick, what made her twitch under my fingertips. The night never seemed to end, I couldn’t let her out of my embrace for more than a few seconds, desperately needing the adrenaline she got me drunk on. In the morning, her bare body was set aglow by the rising sun, making her look as pure as she was. When I pulled her closer and kissed the crown of her, she seemed to come alive in a new way. I ran my hands over her skin, whispering all the little things that came to my mind. She never stopped smiling that morning, and I experienced the true meaning of bliss.

“I feel like I’m finally living Hobi.”

A year later, on the first of December, I found the clean cotton sheets of our shared bed covered in the evidence of what would ultimately become my undoing. I felt a panic unlike anything I’d ever felt before. My vision became white around the edges as I made my way blindly to the only other room with a light on. She was curled up in front of the tub, shivering and whimpering and I understood what it meant to be vulnerable and exposed. Around her wrist there was a hastily tied bandage. I fell to my knees in front of her, weak from head to toe, I had to crawl to her. The look in her eyes was made of pure terror, she muttered apologies and gripped my hand without mercy and all I could bring myself to do was tangle my fingers in her hair and disappear in her existence. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t feel anything other than the stabbing pain in my chest, couldn’t see anything past the rising tears in my eyes. This image of her is drastically different from the confident girl I’d taken to a coffee shop so long ago, standing in her flowing dress, giggling uncontrollably at the growing stain on my shirt. You never understand what grateful means until you come so close to death and it’s grinning face, mocking you and your emotions.

“I’m so sad Hoseok. You’re the only thing that makes me feel okay. I didn’t mean to, I swear. Forgive me please.”

Now, three years later, she lays in elegant rosy velvet, dressed in a long lace dress- the one she’d chosen for our wedding. The long sleeves covered the wounds, but I could still see them in my mind, every time I closed my eyes. The layers of makeup on her face made her unrecognizable and all I can think of is the light and simple makeup she’d chosen for our date the night I’d asked her to marry me. The clenching in my chest from the first time I’d met her was back, but now it made me feel like I wasn’t getting enough blood to keep me alive, something I considered to be a blessing at this point. I’d given up trying to act like I was up for people hours ago, settling instead for the company of a bottle of wine that my mother had bought, another wedding item. The church was empty now, upon the request of her mother, who understood that I needed this time alone. Gripping the neck of the bottle, I sat against the wood of her soon to be living quarters, remembering the empty house that awaited me. I’d downed half of it by now and was quickly finishing the other half, slowly losing control of my senses. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, unable to contain the growing anger in my stomach. It was selfish of her to take this warmth from me, to leave me shivering in the cold. I was angry. I was tired. My body and mind felt like it was shutting down, the tips of my fingers going numb from the alcohol. Liquid courage. A bitter wind pushes through and chills me to my core, despite the fire in my pit from the wine. I swear for a few seconds I can hear her speaking, whispering all the things she knew I wanted to hear, just like she always did. My attention is drawn to the still open door at the end of the hallway, the same one she was to walk down, ready to spend her life with me and I can’t help but laugh as the first of my tears escape and the irony of the moment hits me hard-

Outside, it’s snowing. It was snowing when she graced the world with her life, and it is snowing now as she takes all the world’s warmth with her.

The winter saying goodbye to it’s one and only princess.

But I suppose I’ll still see you next winter.

Preference #43 : You want to be the big spoon - 4/4

Requested : Yes

hey :) could you please do 4/4 or cashton where you want to try to be the big spoon but it’s really funny and awkward because your really small/short? thank you!

Rating : No smut

Ashton : 

“That’s ridiculous” Ashton giggled as I placed an arm around his torso and brought my chest to his back. I smiled into his skin and tried to fit my legs against his as I heard a big sigh leave his mouth.

“There’s no way I’m sleeping like that” he added as I closed my eyes and squeezed his body onto mine.

“What am I supposed to hold onto now? What do I do with my arms?” he asked, seeming completely lost at the unusual situation. I had just asked him if we could try and switch positions so that I was now the big spoon and he was the little one. I thought he’d be nice to have him in my arms for once, but truth was I was way too small and it was a little uncomfortable. Besides, I missed the feeling of safety I had every time he circled me with his longs arms; but I didn’t really want to admit it, as it did take me a long time to convince him to try this.

“I don’t know, just put your hands under your pillow, just like I do everyday” I answered and he let out a little laugh before turning around and putting his hands on my waist. He easily flipped me over so that I was facing the wall and my back was to his chest, just like it usually was.

“No way, you and I both know we won’t sleep unless I have you securely lying in of my arms. Now no more trying new things, I just wanna sleep and cuddle my girlfriend just like we always do” he said before kissing my cheek and resting his head right next to mine, his nose in my hair. I didn’t protest as I realized I actually enjoyed being the little spoon much more than being the big one.

Calum : 

“What are you doing?” Calum asked as I’d just pushed him to his side and pressed my front to his back.

“I wanna try being the big spoon for once” I announced and he stilled completely before turning around so that we were face to face.

“No, no, no; you’re way too small compared to me and come on, are you trying to emasculate me? I’m supposed to be the big spoon, it’s in the meaning of the word itself” he protested before turning me around so that I was now the little spoon.

“No Calum, come on just tonight and then we can switch back to our usual positions.” I pleaded and gave him the kind of look that could get him to accept anything. He let out a big sigh before turning back around and I happily tried to wrap my arm around him only to realize that I was, indeed, to small and it was almost painful; my hand was resting in the middle of his torso and it was really awkward too. I bit down on my bottom lip before bursting into laughter.

“Okay, alright, it’s really uncomfortable” I admitted and he immediately turned and flashed me a smile before kissing the tip of my nose. I then turned around and welcomed the familiar feeling of his long arm wrapping around me as he brought me to him, our body two puzzle pieces as he tangled his legs with mine.

“That’s how it’s supposed to be” he murmured before placing his warm and large hand on the skin of my stomach.

Luke : 

“It’s kind of nice, are you comfortable?” Luke asked as my arm was wrapped around his naked torso.

“Yeah” I simply answered as I felt the tip of my fingers starting to get numb. It was my idea in the first place, I wanted to try and be the big spoon for once as Luke usually seemed to like it so much; I hadn’t thought about the technical part, which was that I was obviously much smaller than Luke and that it wasn’t a natural position for my body.

I felt him shift as he grabbed my hand and I let out a little whimper as a stinging sensation started to spread in my whole arm.

“No you’re not!” he immediately said before forcing my arm off of him and turning around.

“I just… You’re too big, Luke!” I complained and he started laughing before cupping my face and pressing his lips to mine.

“Oh well, I’m excuse me, Tiny!” he chuckled as I turned around and he instinctively put his arm around me and pulled me to his chest.

“We fit perfectly this way, anyway; we don’t need to try anything else” he added before wishing me goodnight and kissing my temple.

Michael : 

“I know you’re pouting” I said as Michael’s back was pressed against my front.

“M’not” he answered and I rolled my eyes before shifting a little, trying to get comfortable as my hand travelled to his lower stomach, where it seemed to be a bit better for my small arm.

“Oh yeah, well go ahead put your hand right there, but be ready because I’m gonna have a boner in about 2 minutes if you stay like that” he sassed and I rolled my eyes at his childish behaviour before withdrawing my arm and turning around so that our backs were pressed together.

“Well alright, but if I’m not the big spoon then you’re not either” I answered before bending my legs and placing my hands under my pillow. After a long silence, I started to feel his backside wriggle against mine and I bit down hard on my bottom lip to stifle my laugh.

Soon we were both trying to push each other off of the bed and he ended up rolling on top of me, his hands wrapping around my wrists as he pulled my arms above my head and leaned in to press his lips to mine.

“Are you done being a child? Can we sleep now?” he murmured against my mouth and I nodded. He lied beside me and turned me around so that I was facing the window, he then brought his body to mine and he buried his face in my neck as his arms went around me.

“That’s more like it” he hummed appreciatively as I could feel his smile on my skin. 

Request; Labour

Harry is only used as physical appearance. Nothing that I write about him is my opinion about him or a reflection of what I think his character is like.

‘ello, love! Could you write under a plot about Harry’s wife going in to labour? He’s trying to keep his cool but he secretly starts freaking out when Gemma shows up. And the baby can be whatever gender but if it’s a boy, I’m gonna suggest the name Beau and for a girl, Grey. Thank youuuu, big love!

Yes, of course, love! Sorry it took me quiet long but I’m so busy with school since I’ve got my final Exams this week. Thank you for your request:) If you don’t like the imagine or anything you can always request a new one:) have lovely day, babe! Xx

Sorry for any spelling mistakes! Request imagines Here.


His P.O.V

“Y/N? Baby? I’m back. I got you a BigMac. I also got you a McFlurry, so you should better start eating.” I yelled through the long hall way “Well, you love the ice cream melted so it kind of doesn’t really matter when you start eating” I chuckle and kick my boots into the corner of the hallway and make my way through the hall to the stairs. My feet carried me up the stairs to the luxury bedroom where I had left my love safe and sound before she had begged me to get her some McDonalds. Pregnancy cravings. That’s what she had claimed it to be and she knew exactly that I would do anything for her and our little baby.

I heard some sliding across the floor and a whimper that was quiet loud echoing through the house, feeling my shoulders tensing up immediately. What was…?

“Harry?” I heard a whimper and a loud groan following the words and that’s when I knew that it was definitely Y/N. My heart started to beat faster when the pain drained sounds she made , made their way to my ears. I ran into the direction of our room, but she already stood in the doorway, a hand clenched to her bump and her face reflecting pain.

“Y/N?? Oh my gosh..Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I noticed that she was leaning against the doorframe for support, so I got her into my arms to help her stand more securely too scared that she would slip or fall down any second. I gazed at her bump and then back into her face that seemed to be relaxed for a second before pain was written all over her face again and she let out a painful moan.

“The baby…” She took a deep breath and worried spread itself through my body, holding onto her tighter “It’s…it’s coming”

As the words left her mouth, I felt my mind going blank and I just stared at her shocked. What? Right now?

“Yes. Right now, Harry!” She muttered through gritted teeth like if she had heard my thoughts. Her voice bought me back to life immediately and I tried to relax but I just couldn’t, so I pretended not to be in panic. Not in front of her. I need to be strong!

“Okay, baby. I got this! I’ll drive you to the hospital” I nodded fast to convince myself and my numb limps swept her off of her feet, running down stairs and out to our car, getting her into the passengers seat of the massive black Range Rover.

Glad that we had already put all the baby care things into the car, because both of us knew that she was so far into the pregnancy that the baby could come any day, any second, I got into the drivers seat and immediately turned it on and drove off.

“Everything is fine. Just breathe, baby. Breath” I grabbed her hand and hold it tightly, so she could squeeze it for some pain relief. “Everything wi-” I tried to calm her but she cut me off midway through my sentences “Harry, I love you but please stop talking and just get me to the god damn hospital”

A chuckle left my lips and a smile covers my lips as I hit the gas petal harder, speeding to the hospital. As soon as we got to the tall white building I parked the car and jumped out of it, getting to the passengers seat door and help Y/N out. The whimpers that left her mouth every few seconds teared my hearts into pieces and made me furrow my eyebrows more and more

We both got tho the massive slide doors and I yelled “We need help..My Wife’s water broke..we need help” A nurse at the front desk shot out of her chair and grabbed the telephone next to her, dialing a number and saying something into the speaker that I couldn’t I understand before she slammed the telephone back onto the desk and hurried over to us, grabbing Y/N arm “Could you tell me when the water broke and if this is her first pregnancy?” The Nurse looks at My love before she gazes at me and I notice the worried look in her eyes “Her first pregnancy. It broke Uhm..I dunno..I wasn’t there when it broke…maybe 20 minute ago? Maybe more?” Panic drained my words and I tried my best to not sound weak, trying to remind myself that I needed to be strong; strong for you.

The blonde haired women that looked like she was in her mid-forty nodded “Okay. we’ll look after her” Just as the words left her mouth, people with too white coats and too tired faces came running towards us with a litter. In a few seconds Y/N was on the litter and she whimpered my name, staring into my eyes, her eyes filled with pain and love and I had to blink my tears away. “I’m here” I whispered over and over again as all of us hurried through the halls and into a hospital room.

The walls seemed too bright, just like everything in this weird smelling building but I didn’t care. Everything went so fast. The nurses unclothed Y/N bottom half and everyone rushed around us, yelling different things at each other while Y/N only cried in pain and whimpered my name. I saw all the pain in her face and my knees got weak “Fuck, can’t somebody fucking help her??”

I hold her hand tight, like I was holding on for dear life and for some reason I kinda did. She was my life. They were my life.

“Sir, you have to leave the room now?” A nurse grabbed my arm gently and I starred at her focused “Wait what?” I froze in my spot and I could see that she was avoiding my eyes “Is something wrong with her? what is going on?” I feel my body getting hot and kinda cold at the same time and my heart stopped for a second when I hearer the heart rating machine stopping, a loud peeping filling the room and I pushed the nurse away, looking at the love of my life .

Her beautiful eyes were hidden. Her lips red and plump but her face was white as a ghost and kinda ashy. She appeared to be skinnier than she had been before the pregnancy and her heart was not beating. I could see it on the monitor but I could also feel it. Our hearts had always been one but now it was only half a heart

Everything went too fast, people started tugging on me and I just cried her name, holding onto her hand but they didn’t stop tugging on me. It was like someone was trying to rip my life out of my hands. I tried my best to shake them off but they just pushed me out of the room and shut it. A nurse that came with me tried to calm me down but I didn’t hear anything she said. My ears filled with the loud beep that had told me that her heart wasn’t beating anymore. Fuck that couldn’t be true.

“We will help her, sir. But you can’t do anything but wait here right now, okay? You may wanna call family members.“ I stared at the nurse for way too long before I nodded and she reflected my gesture before she left. My shaky hand burried itself in my pocket and took out my phone. Numb fingers tipped a message and I had to rewrite it four times till I got it right and tipped send.

It felt like hours passed and my body just felt more life less every second and my through ran wild. God, why did I even leave her home alone? How dumb can you be?! And now I will lose her. You killed her, Harry.

“Harry?” My head shoot up and when I recognized the features of my sister Gemma, I jumped up. My arms wrapped themselves around her body and I immediately started to break down, not able to hold back any longer. I could feel how her hands run through my curls just like when we were younger. The touch had always felt so calming but this time I felt only worse because it made me realize that something was wrong. That something was missing. The love of my life was missing

“shh Harry…shh..everything is fine” no nothing was fine. Nothing. But I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either and I was glad that she didn’t. I loved her for that.

I can’t remember for how long we had stayed like this or for how long we had stayed silent but when I finally titled my head up, I noticed a nurse in front of us. I analyzed her face expression “Mr. Styles? Miss..” She nodded towards Gemma and looked at me again “Your wife is awake. Everything went well. And your daughter is healthy and wide awake as well” A felt my heart beating faster and the nurse smiled widely” You can go and see her now.“

I sighed, feeling all the weights getting lifted off of my shoulders and I couldn’t wait. My feed carried me too fast to the room, so that I stumbled through the door and stared at the bed. My heart melted when I saw her, the love of my life, sitting in bed, smiling down at the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. My eyes roamed the most important girls in my life and I slowly stepped towards the bed.

Y/N lifted her head up and I noticed her glossy eyes “Harry” Her voice sounded weak and I felt the urge to protect her, so I quickly took her hand “Meet our beautiful baby girl” She whispered and squeezed her hand, kissing it. I could feel tears running down my cheek and how all the pain and worry disappeared. A giggle filled the room and my eyes met big blue baby eyes. The small human watched me carefully and I gently took her out of Y/N arms.

“She is Beautiful. She looks just like you” I heard Y/N laugh quietly but I just couldn’t look away from our baby girl “Grey” I whispered “She looks like a Grey. Grey Rose Styles” I rip my eyes away from Grey and look at Y/N who has a smile on her face that I had never seen before. Her eyes twinkled.

“I love that name.” She whispered and I just whispered to myself “ And I love you two”


I hope you enjoyed this imagine! You can request an imagine or let me know if you liked it HERE. Have a lovely day!:) xx

Mistakes, part 14. (Neymar imagine)

Previous parts: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 

‘Careful!’ I quickly grab Neymar’s elbow as he gets out of the car. Rafa walks up to us with his crutches so he can walk by himself. He looks frustrated, trying to walk. It’s not only his leg, but also his back and his neck. He’s in a lot of pain.

'It’s ok.’ He mumbles, and hobbles after us, while we walk into his house. Well, it’s my house too, but all my stuff is still in the hotel, and in my car which is still at the hospital. I took everything with me when I moved into my apartment. Oh.. With all the things going on I forgot about my apartment and how I still need to get the rest of my stuff.. And while we’re at it, let’s not forget how I’m probably replaced for the role in my movie by now. I didn’t bother to call the before, which was very unprofessional. I also need to call David, he knows Neymar is awake but that’s about it. I haven’t bothered to look into my social media, because by now the news about what happened probably got out. I sit down on the couch and rub my temples. My head hurts, and the things I need to do keep piling up. So many things to do.. 
I sigh and make a list in my head of all the things I need to do, and I decide that the sooner I’ll start, the sooner I’ll be done. And when I’m done I can focus on Neymar. 

I go to the room Ney and I once shared, but now feels empty. He’s laying on the bed. His foot on a pile of pillows for good support. He looks up when I walk in and smiles. I sit down next to him and he takes my hand.
'I need to take care of some things. My stuff at the appartement, the hotel, and my car..’ I hesitate to tell him about the movie, considering that my opponent is the reason he was so mad, and got into a car incident. He isn’t supposed to remember that, and something in the back of my mind wants to test him. 
'I also need to talk with my manager, and Theo..’ I add, and I watch his facial expression change. It’s the tiniest change and barely noticeable, but I noticed. A troubled and angry expression, for a tenth of a second before his face went back to normal. 
'Everything okay?’ I ask nicely, as if I’m not doing something terrible. He’s been in a car accident and told me Davi and I were the only reasons he woke up. And here i am, testing his honesty.
'Alright, what else?’ He asks, his voice sounding normal. 
'Some other things but I’ll take care of that later.’ I lean in and kiss him softly, leave him wanting more as I walk out of the room. 

 It was just a tenth of a second, a tenth of a second his facial expression changed but it’s been consuming my thoughts for the rest of the day. I call the owner of my apartment building, letting him know that I’m moving out, and I’m dealing with all the stuff. I tell him a u-haul will come by tomorrow, which will also get my stuff from the hotel. I call David and we decide to meet up in the weekend. I go to the hotel lot with a taxi, to find out my car had been parked in someone else’s spot, which means it got towed away. When i finally have my car, and i get home, I’m exhausted. Rafaella has cooked and Davi is napping on the couch. I walk into the bedroom, finding Neymar sleeping too. I lay down next to him and he turns around. He’s on a lot of medication due to the injuries on his back and leg. I feel guilty looking at his pained face.  

 It’s time for dinner and we quietly eat our spaghetti, only interrupted by Davi, giggling every time he tries to lift the spaghetti with his fork and it glides off onto his plate.
'What’s wrong, aren’t you hungry?’ Neymar asks, taking a sip of his soda. I shake my head.
'Nauseous.’ I mumble, and Rafa glares at me. The smell of tomato sauce makes my stomach turn. Just like the smell of meat, onions and garlic. It’s been like this for a couple days now, and Rafa knows why I’m sick but she quietly continues to eat her meal. 

 After dinner, I take a long shower, scrubbing my body till my skin is aching. I slowly massage my stomach, and close my eyes. I take extra long, because I decided to tell him. I can’t wait any longer. 
I put on my pajama’s, and get into bed. Neymar takes of his shirt and gets in next to me.
'Ney..’ I start, and he puts up his hand to stop me from talking.
'We need to talk.’ He says, and I raise my brows.
'What’s wrong?’ I ask, and he reaches for my face, softly caressing my cheek with his fingers.
I sigh, closing my eyes and leaning into his palm.
'I need to tell you something.’ He says, before I can start. I smile and nod. He hesitates, and looks agitated.  Angry even.
'You know, that day I woke up and we talked?’ He says it as a question so i nod again, anxious about what is to come.
'I lied about something.’ I feel how my body gets cold and how the tips of my finger feel numb, intertwined with his.
'Continue.’ I say, sounding braver than I feel.

 ’I remember.’ 

 Those two words. They’re supposed to hurt. They’re supposed to make me feel bad, but deep down inside i knew. And a part of me is happy he told me now, because it would be worse if i found out myself.
'I know.’ I simply say, and he frowns leaning on his elbow.
'What?!’ He asks, whispering loudly.
I almost want to giggle at his response. Instead I sit up and he does the same.
'I knew when I mentioned Theo today, and saw your facial expression. I’m supposed to be mad, but I’m glad you told me.. Honestly, when you told me you forgot, I was kind of sad because that would mean you also forgot how badly you wanted me back.’ I smile, but he still looks confused.
'I’m so sorry.’ He says, and reaches for my arm but I push his hand back.

'I need to tell you something too..’ I say, and he looks like curious. Even though I practically give myself away, by putting my hand over my belly, and I see his lips slightly part.

(Hey darlings, i can’t belive there’s only one part left! Thanks to everyone who read this series, and sent me nice messages :) I’m sorry it tooka little longer to write this one, but the last part will be posted this week too! Thank you)

Twinkletwinkle little lights
  • Him: What are you going to do if a car comes?
  • Me: The notebook says i die. But im just gonna move my fat ass.
  • Him: why it say we die?
  • Me: i dunno, love is stupid and pointless and useless to believe in on nights like this.
  • Him: why nights like this?
  • Me: Look around darling. Im inlove with this moment. WIth the lights, the sounds of the skateboards, everyones smile, the smell of the cold wind.
  • Him: you, you have good heart. You should believe in love its a beautiful thing, kinda like the sky.
#5 He Finds Out Your Gay

Luke: Y/GF/N griped my hand tightly, tugging me behind the school so no one would find out about our crazy activities that happens behind the school.

Y/GF/N gently shoved me against the wall before pressing her lips against mine while gripping my naked thighs and wrapping them around her waist. Making my skirt rise up. I let out a gasp but then a moan escapes my lips when I feel Y/GF/N roughly grinding her clothed jeans against my heat. Moan slips past my lips before Y/GF/N finally presses her lips against mine, my eyes fluttering shut because of the sensation

“Y/N?!” I hear Luke’s voice exclaim. I immediately shove Y/GF/N off of me while straightened out my skirt and crop top while Y/GF/N straightens out her skinny jeans. “Luke I can-” I speck but Luke just shakes his head. “I’m waiting in the car,” Luke states while I just pick up my school bag and rush after Luke, remembering that Luke just got back from tour and wanted to start picking me up from school since I wouldn’t have to walk far.

“Luke!” I call but he just keeps on walking while tears brim my eyes.

Ashton: I grip Y/GF/N hips roughly while her orgasm takes over her body while my fingers continue to ride her threw her high while my name slips past her lips. Y/GF/N calms down and faintly laughs while gripping my neck and pulling me up to her height and pressing a kiss to my lips while I run my hands down her sweaty sides.

“What the fuck is going on?!” I hear Ashton voice boom while Y/GF/N and I tug the duvet to cover our chest. “Y/N put some god damn clothes on and you get out of my house, what the fuck do you think your doing?! Corrupting her!” Ashton voice bellows while making his way across my room and throwing my clothes at me while Y/GF/N quickly dresses herself.

“Ashton what the hell do you think your doing? She’s my girlfriend! I love her?!” I yell while he just shakes his head and places his hands on his hips. “It’s just a phase Y/N! Your confused?!” Ashton yells back at me while I feel tears stream down my cheeks while I see Y/GF/N run out my bedroom door. I quickly throw on my t-shirt and shorts while trying to move past Ashton to go talk to Y/GF/N but officially I can’t pass.

“Get out of my fuckin way!” I yell and push Ashton’s chest but he doesn’t even move an inch. “I’m not allowing you to see that corrupter anymore. She’s just confusing you. Okay?” Ashton hisses. I let tears stream down my face while the anger boils inside me.

“I’m gay Ashton! Alright I’m gay and you can do anything about it! It wasn’t my choice? I was born this way! And that ‘corrupter’ is my girlfriend and I love her! How dare you say I’m confused because I’m not! It wasn’t a choice? I didn’t pick to be gay it just happened! So why don’t you take your ugly ass attitude out of my room. Oh never mind how about out of my life since you don’t accept me or respect me!” I scream while I see Ashton just huff and turn around and exit my room while I’m left in tears and a broken heart.

Calum: “I really wished that we couldn’t do this,” Y/GF/N says while playing with my hair. I nod my head while playing with the lose string on her pants. “Sneak around, kiss each other when no one is around, do the do when it’s midnight and everyone is asleep,” Y/GF/N chuckles at the last part but I know that she was serious. I move myself out of Y/GF/N grasp and grip my hand on her cheek and bring her to my level. While pressing a passionate kiss to her lips.

“I promise, I’ll tell everyone once everything is under control,” I promise Y/GF/N but it is soon interrupted when I hear someone clear their throat. I snap my head to the door and look and see Calum leaning against the door frame with a hard expression on his face. “I’m glad you told your best friend,” I hear Calum state and push himself off of the door frame.

“Cal, I was going to wait-”

“Until everything was under control, I know. But Y/N why didn’t you tell me? I tell you everything,” Calum says a frown plastering his features. “Calum I know you do, but, I just. I don’t know,” I say and hang my head low.

“Well when you do know, you can come talk to me,” Calum states and walks out my room while I hear the door slam shut and hot tears stream down my face.

Michael: “Hey Michael can you come here!” I yell from my room while I hear footsteps making their way to my room. I turn my body to the door and see Michael’s head pop threw the door before moving across the room and plopping himself into my computer chair.

“Yup,” Michael specks and looks at me while I feel my heart beat pick up. “I’m going on a date tonight and I want you to help me pick between these two dresses,” I say. I turn and see Michael with a confused expression. “Where are you two going?” Michael ask. “An Italian restaurant,” I say nervousness laced with fear in my answer. I watch and see Michael examine the two dresses that I laid out on my duvet.

One floral print and the other a tight red dress that compliments my curves. “But? Um? Who are you going with? What’s his name,” Michael ask and I can already feel my finger tips and toes go numb while my stomach cringes from the question. “I’m.. Uh going with this girl named Y/GF/N,” I look at Michael as I see his wide eyes before he clears his throat and looks at me before looking at the dresses.

“Well… I… Um? The flower one?” Michael says and rubs the back of his neck. I bite my lip before nodding my head. “Mikey, do still love me?” I ask with caution. Michael stands and makes his way towards me and brings our body together for a hug. “Of course I love you Y/N,” Michael says and smiles before releasing me from the hug and tugging his way to the door before stopping and turning around while chewing on his bottom lip. Something we both do when we are nervous.

“It’s just gonna take some for me to get use to,” Michael says with hesitation while rubbing the back of his neck. I nod my head and swallow the lump in my throat before nodding my head even more and plastering a fake smile on my lips while I see Michael turn around and leave my room.

The Lotus: Chapter 2


Just when you think things are almost over, God lets you know that your journey is beginning.

Here I was on earth… Once

again. Again, with the human feelings, the never ending stress, and the accumulation of sweat building from anxiety.

The white hospital room only made me dizzy. The sounds of yelling, orders, and continuous questions faded in my mind. Almost as if they were distant memories washed away by a tide of misery or misfortune. Either way, I focused on the blue curtains surrounding me, but nothing seemed to ease me. 

“Doctor, what do you want us to do?”

I couldn’t answer, all I could think about was Mouzie and how she changed, how her heart was clouded by hate. The mists of destruction tearing at her heart strings, was all because of me.

Now here I was about to make the same mistake. An innocent soul was about to be lost because for once in my life I was torn on what to do. What to use. And how to use it.

I was afraid.

My breaths became unsteady, and the angelic heart inside my human body began to beat as if it forgot how to function. The commotion and constant questioning ceased.

That’s when it happened…

The jagged lines of the ICU monitor went flat. The beeping sound hushed the white room, creating a long uncomfortable silence.

The room fell dark, the nurses that were once beside me vanished along with the darkness.

There was no hospital bed, no curtains, and no beeping. It was just the infinite darkness and I.

My senses were blocked out, and the air was coated thick. The only sensible trait I could confront was the lingering smell of death. The foul odor lingered in my nostrils. I tried to fight it, avoid it somehow, but it only made its way into my being.

It felt awful, it was paralyzing, and all I could think of was what I had done to Mouzie. How I left here out of my own selfish wishes.

“Isaiah…” The deep voice had a horrific painful rhythm latched on to its tone.

I heard the clunking of his shoes approach me. Being in human form only made me shudder.

“For the sake of Mouzie, don’t make the deal.” I heard Gabriel’s voice clearly in my mind.

It was then I knew who I was dealing with.

“Isaiah…” The voice croaked from afar.

The never-ending dark space was accompanied by flickering red light. As the light came to a steady beam, the view of a lamppost became visible. The once so dark abyss became sheltered with dead trees a flame with a flowing dark tented river. Not red, neither black, just…dark.

Another tall figure joined my company, but on the other side of the river, under the light post. The figure was shudder worthy and ominous as the dark area above us. He wore a hat covering a face that I was convinced did not exist.

In his hands he held only a book.

Typical. Knowing whom this meeting was with; I decided to cut to the chase.

“What do you want from me?”

“Let us make a deal.” He voice rolled of his tongue smoother than a slither snake.

“You and I both know that I know better.”

“Excuse me, Angel Isaiah…” He started. “Perhaps we make a deal that doesn’t involve a trade.”

“And that is…” I inquired shifting my weight to my right leg.

“I wouldn’t do this if I were you.” Gabriel said in my mind.

“You must cross the river first…” He coached.

I waved Gabriel out of my thoughts and stepped closer to the river. Dipping my feet in I looked down at the tented river and back up at the dark figure and took a deep breath trying to gain energy to keep on this path.

“If it’s not one thing it’s another… and if it’s not you messing something up, it’s you not following the plan…you just can’t seem to get things right can you?” Gabriel’s voice nagged around in my mind.

When I was finally cross the river, I could feel my angelic heart turn hollow. The beating was still normal, but something just didn’t seem right. Suddenly, I could feel the thuds pounding through my chest. I could no longer hear Gabriel, nor could I feel his presence. Finally, it struck me, when I crossed the river I was endowed in my own darkness.

“Now…the deal.” I pressured.

I still couldn’t see his face, but him being the only presence among me, I could sense the familiar void between us. From what I could see, his head was bowed looking at the book. He looked up allowing his face to be seen.

If I wasn’t mistaken, it was almost as if I had been looking in a mirror. He looked like me, but with a deadly dark presence and hollow eyes. His dark fingers opened the book to a blank page holding it out in front of me. The page was far from neat, only crumbled and creased as if the fate of what could be written on it was already set for doom.

The feeling in my body turned numb and the tips of my fingers grew of a tingling sensation. My body lacked the ability to move and the power of my tongue and mouth became relentlessly drained in ways that forbid me to speak.  

Pulling, pulling was all I felt bringing me down crashing into the dark tented river. Like my body, my breaths were defenseless amongst these attacks. I closed my eyes as I was tugged through the water in which seemed to burn my skin.

“Doctor…Doctor…” The distant voice called out. “Get ‘em some water.”

My body was no longer numb; as my eyes began to open I could feel myself gaining conscious. Mustering up the energy, I used the strength of my forearm to push myself up. The white room I had seemingly passed out in was perfectly intact, with the beeping ICU monitor displaying jagged lines as if the patient didn’t just die.

One of the nurses greeted me with water, but I waved her off.

“No thank you.” I mumbled.

“Uh, okay Doctor, but there’s a guest that would like to see her mother, so we must leave the room.” The blonde haired woman informed before grabbing my forearm to help me up.

Getting up I brushed my pants off and headed straight for the door. Upon opening it, there was an unpleasant looking Mouzie standing on the other side of the threshold with Nala tugging on her shirt. The constant tugging came to a halt when Mouzie turned around to speak with the nurse while Nala just stood there patiently as her big brown eyes looked up at me.

She said nothing, only smiled and held on to her old bunny.

For the first time in a long time…I felt loved.

All it took was a simple…genuine…smile.

“I got you somthing, Mwister Isaiah.” She spoke shyly.

“And what is that beautiful?” I chuckled bending down to her level.

“This is for you!” She handed me a lotus flower out of her pocket. She frowned when looking at it. It was wrinkled up and one of the petals was ripped while another was falling off. Her face turned flush red as a tear fell down on to the flower. “I’m sowwy.” She mumbled.

“Aww, sweety…it’s okay.” I cooed.

I held her hands in my mine using both to cover the flower. I blew my breath onto our hands as crystal dust came out of my mouth and floated around us.  I took my hands away from hers to show her the flower that was once destroyed was now beautiful and not yet bloomed.

“Oh my goodness!” She gasped following up with infinite giggles.

I smiled.  “You keep it…and take care of it for me.”

“What are you doing?” Mouzie snarled.

Why did she have to be so…so…pleasantly beautiful, yet unpleasantly… unpleasant?

“I was just…”

“Look mommy!” Nala squealed showing her mother the flower.

“No…no.” She grumbled snatching the flower away tossing it in the nearest trashcan.

“Why are you always around?” She argued.

“Yeah, why are you always around? You stalking her? You love her?” Gabriel started with his antics, this time he appeared behind Mouzie.

“Would you just go, little trumpet boy… or are you waiting for your little drummer boy, so you and him can wave your little fruit flag all over the damn-?”

“Who the hell are you talking to?” Mouzie said turning around and then looking back at me.

Gabriel was still there, Mouzie just could see him.

“I can make you look like an asshole if you want me to…little drummer boy.” He argued back with a smirk.

“I’m tired of seeing you around…” She hissed.

“You know what, why are you so bitter? You so angry, but for what? You don’t know how beautiful you are and how you should be treasured.” I started. “Instead you go hoeing yourself around and leaving your child for a few bucks…for what!”

I could see the tears in her eyes begin to form. She would never let them fall though, she was too prideful and angry.

“You don’t know me…” Her voice croaked from the lump in her throat. “Don’t talk like that in front of my daughter.”

“That’s definitely not how you save someone.” Gabriel nagged.

“I’m sorry…Mouzie.” I reached for her, but she pulled her arm away.

“Can I see my mother now?”

“Will you just let me explain…I-I didn’t mean to” I looked down at Nala who had her gazed fixed on the trashcan that her mother just threw away the flower. She wanted to cry, but she wanted to be strong like her mother. Little did she know her mother wasn’t that strong, so I decided to let it go.


Everything he said was wrong. I knew I was beautiful, but what was wrong with wanting male attention? Nothing.

Walking in to the room I could see my mother lying in the hospital bed limp. She looked disgusting. The bags under her eyes were dark and her hair was a stringy mess resting over the pillows. The pale skin she wore only reminded me of how worse things could’ve been.

“Mama…” I greeted. I tried to cover my voice with a cheerful tone, but it was too late. She had already seen the annoyed look in my eyes.

“Whatchu want girl?” She moaned.

“I came to see you.”

I looked around the room to find a place to sit. There was only one chair by the window, so I pulled it closer to the bed and sat Nala on my lap. I couldn’t believe the once so breath-taking woman had become such a waste, she reeked of garbage and un washed vagina.

“I-I tired to call you…” She mumbled looking down at her hands.

For the first time in years, I felt like she cared about me. She tried to call me, she tried to hear my voice.

“Oh…” Was all I could say. “I’ve been working mama and…”

“I needed some money.”

The tiny hope that I had that she still cared for me was gone.

“For what now?”

“Uh…them sprinklers…you know the ones that hit my car with the water? It-uh messin’ up my paint job. Oh and the gutters, the gutters falling down and-”

My mother was a messed up, confused liar, she said anything jus so she could get her next fix.

“Mama, you don’t have to lie to me.”

“You seen yo father lately?” She questioned reaching for the water next to her.

The room fell silent, and an uncomfortable chill crept over my shoulder.


“I tried to call ‘em…will you call yo daddy fa me?” She requested.

“Who is Angela!?”

I watched as my mother as she chased my father around the house with a knife, he continued to ignore her. She had snot and tears all over her face. The small house that we did have would be gone if my dad left.

“I can’t deal with you…how many times are you gonna get high in front of our daughter? How many times are you gonna look a mess in front of her?”

“Fuck her! Fuck that little fucker! That fucking crumb snatcher! All you care about is that little bitch and Angela!” She hollered throwing her knife down.

Her words were like daggers through my heart. What happened to her? I sat in the corner by the door waiting for my dad. Smoke began to rise from the kitchen sounding off the alarm. The smell of burnt chicken lingered and there went another meal spoiled by my mother.

“You expect me to stay here? You can’t even function!”

“I can function baby…I can function. I’m better than those other girls.” She said seductively reaching for my father and throwing the knife down. He turned from her and looked at me.

“What is wrong with you? Get off of me.”

Pulling away from her he grabbed his bags by the stairs and picked me up in his arms. My mother stumbled over to us latching her arms onto my body. Tugging on me she tried pulling me away from him.

“Noooo!” I screamed burying my face into my father’s neck.

That day, my dad left me with me with my mother. His last words to me were “I love you babygirl, I’ll be back to get you tonight, I promise.” He never came back.

“Mama, dad is gone…he’s been gone!” I screamed allowing the hot tears to stream down my cheeks.

“I just talk to him yesterday!”  She hollered back.

With my mother on drugs, she often hallucinated, mostly about my father. She had this theory that he never left, sometimes I would see her talking to the air as if he were still here. 

“No you didn’t! He left you!” My face was burning red this time

She looked away from me and out the door. I didn’t feel bad for what I said, I just continued to push her and make her madder. I wanted her to hurt; I wanted her to feel the pain I’ve felt for years.

“You pushed him away. He’s gone because of you!” I hit her arm. “It’s all your fault. He wouldn’t have left us if you weren’t a fucking crack whore!”

She refused to look at me.

“Look at me mama…Vivian….Look at me!” Anger and resentment filled my heart.


“Look at me, you don’t want to look at me because you not its true!”

“No! You pushed him away, you just had to be a little brat and make everything my fault.”

“I never made anything my fault, you were fucked up, you were sick and you’re still sick!”

While lying down she managed to whip her head around looking my square in the eyes. I felt the sting of her hand slapping me smooth in the face.

“Get out bitch! Take that bastard with you.” She growled.

“I hate you.” I mumbled before picking Nala up and headed out the room.

“You may be beautiful, but aint no man gone love someone with an ugly heart. You keep messin’ around with these men, they only gone use you.” She called after, but I was half way out the door.

When I left I could hear her screaming, not out of pain, but for attention.


I stood in my studio apartment, allowing my mother’s words to haunt me. She was wrong, someone was going to love me. I was going get the best in life no matter what. I picked my phone up and scrolled down to a number that I knew would satisfy me.

“Hey…Ryan…” I started off. “Its Mouzie…remember? You still want me to come over?”

 “Aye, yeah baby girl.” He chuckled. “I got a few thangs I want you to try”

“I’ll be over in a few…I hope these thangs are good.”


“What the hell was that Gabriel?” I yelled up at the sky window in my room.

No answer.

“Gabriel!” I huffed. “All this stuff you want me to do, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it! Why did I pass out in the hospital! Why the hell does Mouzie hate me? Just answer me…help me for once.”

“You don’t have to shout…” I turned around to see Gabriel polishing his gold trumpet. “I’m right here.”

“What the hell happened? Why’d you let me pass out?”

“I didn’t let you pass out…” He said looking down at his trumpet trying to figure out if it was shiny enough. “ You choose to do what you want… do you think this is gold enough…I want it to be perfect for my solo recital.”  

“Why cant you ever be serious…help me!”

“Fine.” He huffed setting his trumpet down. “ You passed out and saw yourself dressed as the devil because you keep allowing your fear of failing take over you. You know how everyone has a drak side? Well, inthat moment as you were scared to fail another person, you fear took over making you pass out. Your fear took you to a place in your mind, where you were going to give up your responsibilities. You try so hard to do things the easy way when all you have to do is just act from your heart and quit being afraid.”

He disappeared with the sound of his trumpet filling the room. The window of my room flung open with lotus flowers filing in one by one surrounding me. As they flew around me all I could see was the white space they were creating. Eventually, the petals began to create an image of Mouzie and the man she had met from the bar. She was drinking excessively allowing her clothes to be tampered with.

As I tried to turn away, the other side of white space created by the flowers confronted me. They displayed and image of Nala all alone in the apartment, she was tucked on the couch with a small blanket and her bunny that she carried with her at all times. I could see the dried streak of tears on her pink cheeks.

Before I could shout the words ‘I get it’, the flowers dropped to the flower leaving me with an open bedroom door.    

Authors Note: Yes this chapter is booty…and im sorry. Please leave feedback and reblog.