my fight for sanity

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A letter to the one who loves me next,

I can’t wait for this day, but there are a couple of things that you should know. It’s not going to be easy, I don’t know if I’m even capable of being loved at this point in my life, but I’m ready to fight for it.

I question my sanity most days, and love to run away from reality. I may fight for everything and about anything, but it’s only because I crave attention. Even if it’s negative. I need to be your world, and I need you to show me that. I need to be constantly reminded I am something because I do have a past.

I’ve been broken, many times. It’s hard for me to trust, and it’s even harder for me to love. But I’m going to test you, because that’s all I know how to do. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to take effort.

I have many scars and unhealed wounds. I’ve struggled with mental illness for a really long time now, and more days than not I’ll have a bad day.

But when you love me, I’ll love you hard. I’ll love you deep. You’ll be my world. You’ll be my everything. It may take a lot of effort, but dammit when I love, I love with everything that I have. My good days make 20 of my bad days seem like nothing.

But most importantly, I may not catch you when you fall for me, but that’s only because I’ll be holding your hand and falling also. I believe in fairytales and happily ever afters. I’m ready for this rollercoaster of adventures with you. And I’ll be someone you’ll never forget. Love me with everything you are. I’m ready for us.

I’m teaching myself to fight. I’m teaching myself to defend my sanity at all costs. without compromise. I’m teaching myself to not be so easily affected by everything and everyone. I’m basically teaching myself to not be a little bitch.

I’m also teaching myself to have the discernment to surrender to what is righteous. even at the expense of me having to admit that I’m wrong.

it’s pretty damn liberating.

I need to start fighting for myself. Fighting for my peace, fighting for my sanity, my happiness. I let too many things cloud my space, take over my feelings and corrode me and empty me out. Emotions are necessary but I don’t want to be overwhelmingly controlled by them. I want my mind to have a say in things too. I’m tired of ruining myself.


I made up my mind thiS time,

Erasing you wouldn’t wOrk anyway.

You are nailed on my heart,

You are the scar that forever reMains.

I am walking on thE pier,

Tripping through my memory,

And then I’m on my knees putting you safe,

In the ocean of fears.

I hope you will find your rest,

At the botTom there somewHere.

Among all my loved ones,

Who chose to abandon me.

You may fInd there my father,

Who is the reasoN of my troubles.

You may find there promises,

And all the dreams turned to struGgleS.

I used to put them safe,

In the ocean of fears.

My brother asked me if I’m ok,

He’s little so I make sure to pretend.

All my strength was in your hands,

Always tried to make you proud of me.

Now when I know it meant nothing,

My love to you was JUST a garbage.

You threw it away,

TheRe’s nothing elsE left to say.

If you only knew it’s killing Me,

The fact I stopped fighting for my sAnity,

I lost on thIs battlefield,

So I’m just setting you free,

Putting you safe,

In the oceaN of fears.


Picture Credit:  The Heart Of The Ocean (TITANIC) - Speed Art (Photoshop) | By Garson

anonymous asked:

Today I unfortunately found out about a foundation that is scarily similar to Autism $peaks. It's a non-profit "charity" called the EJ Autism Foundation located on Long Island in New York. The foundation wants to "fight the mystery" of autism. The foundation also says that "There is no cure for autism but there is hope." and "Therapies that target specific signs of autism can achieve substantial improvement". They also get sponsored by places like Bubba's Burrito Bar and East Islip Soccer Club.

Anon, I’m sorry you had to find out about this, but thank you so much for sending this in. Fight the mystery … oh for the love of my precarious sanity, seriously!

There’s a lot of bad autism organisations and so much less discussion about them, which makes it hard for us and those who support us to know who is and isn’t good, and I am glad, anon, for the opportunity to talk about this a little more. Autism $peaks has earnt their hate more than deservedly, but I think we need to open up conversations to include other hateful “charities”. For example, A$ doesn’t have a lot of presence here in Australia, but we have our own collection of state non-profits that need speaking about. The same goes for all the smaller charities and organisations, wherever they are, who are causing the same harm (just with a smaller public profile).

I despise Amaze, which is the state non-profit autism organisation here in Victoria, Australia. Especially for the unforgivable, condescending line on their adult autistics info page: “Individuals on the Autism Spectrum Can Make Friends”. In addition to their being awful, person-first language that insists on using “individual” and spreading misinformation about autism and gender, of course, because that line is only the terrible icing on the cake of hatred and fail.

(Wow, I did not know that I can make friends! Or that I even should! I so needed a bunch of allistics to tell me how important friends are and that friend-making is an allistic skill on which I need to work! *rage-flaps* ETA: this line infuriates me so much I went into sarcasm mode without specifying. I’m so sorry!)

I’ve also heard bad things about the UK’s Autistica - their heavily research-focus language (and person-first usage) doesn’t fill me with confidence. I don’t know how much they’ve improved now they’re no longer affiliated with A$, however, so if a UK person could fill us in, I’d be grateful.

Likewise, if you know of an organisation that claims to support us but causes harm, I’d be so grateful if you’d comment away, because I will add this information to the post.

I think it’s time we let these awful groups share the stage with the awful A$, because we need to know who else claims to support us and actually wounds us. And while it’s April 30 already here in Australia, I’m thinking that next year, in the lead up to April, I’d love to see some of these awful organisations talked about with the same frequency we discuss A$.

Thank you so much for this ask, anon. Thank you.

ETA: @2hon5 says,

In America there’s an organization called TACA, or Talk About Curing Autism. It’s right in the name. They’re just like Autism $peaks and the cure culture/tragedy culture/autism parent martyr culture/ETC. is rampant and disgusting I went to their home page to check that they’re actually a national thing and it was… bad. Really bad.

Oh ye gods. Just the name makes me want to beat them over the head with a glitter baton. I took a look myself, and, honestly, I don’t recommend anyone else checking them out, because they’re awful on their landing page and get successively worse. Definitely a worthy addition to this list, and thank you for both enduring that hell and letting us know about their hate and awful.

Brief update on Problem X

Which still is not a problem but at least I have a focus.

The interesting thing is this. The information required once again has nothing to do with me.

DORK could, or should, collect the information, compile it and summarize himself. I mean that technically is what he gets paid for


Ebs is all about the team so I’m going to write this mess down and let it go. Just for my sanity. I’m tired of fighting for the day.

Hello and goodbye. I am Bucky Barnes, and this is my letter to you. 
I don’t have much time.

If I could, I would write pages upon pages, line upon line
Stroke upon stroke.
But I can’t.
They’re listening; they’re everywhere.
They stain the walls with dried blood and grime
And plague the inner workings of my mind
I cannot escape them.
This place is filthy; horrors echo through the iron cell, reminding me that I am not a person.
Only an asset.
The red star is a symbol of my death
And each time I see its evil glint on my left arm, I hold my breath.
I have one memory of my mother. She told me when I’m afraid,
I need to close my eyes and be strong.
I did that while I was strapped to a chair made of lightning.
And when I woke up, I forgot who I was.
She said the bad thoughts go away, but they don’t.
The entities manifest in 10 words, buzzing in my head like a plague of moths. My mind is a corpse of what it used to be.

There are some things I adore
One being a distant memory of a blonde haired man,
And the other a red-headed girl I see in the outer circles of this hell.
I don’t know her name; and I don’t know the man’s name.
But they help me deal with this nightmare.
The girl reminds me of a blood red sunset and the man reminds me of a life I never got to live.
The distant memory of my mom helps too. I can feel her warm smile when I’m locked inside the cage of forgetfulness.
I didn’t want this. I never asked for this. I joined the fight for peace,
But now I’m fighting for what’s left of my sanity. 
I was unaware of the darkness lurking beneath the layers of false hope
And now I’m a deer caught in headlights,
falling quickly into oblivion.
I’m sorry for all I’ve done. I pray next to the metal bars that drip with the memories I can no longer recall. I pray for a god to deliver me into exaltation-

I hear the demons coming. Their laughter is bouncing off the brick barriers. It’s a haunting sound.
I have to go. But before I do, I’ll tell you this.
They will break me, torment me, hurt me.
When I’m strapped to the chair of lightning, or when I’m bleeding on the floor in the name of supposed restoration,
I will get back up and write to you again, because that is how I will be strong.
I will be strong. 
I promise.

—  Bucky’s letters from behind the iron walls of HYDRA. (Part 1) Jasmine Walter (Part 2 found here)
I dated an emotionally abusive drug addict.

It all started when we saw each other at our local dive bar. 

Despite how drunk I was, I still remember the night vividly. He tried to get me to go home with him that night, but I suggested we just go around the city instead. I convinced him that we should sneak onto one of the luxury boats that I saw nearby. The door was left unlocked so we were able to board one of them. It was exhilarating. I’ve never done anything like that before. We had sex on the boat that night.

Following that evening, I didn’t speak to him for roughly two months. I would see him at bars, but I never had much to say. I had no particular interest in him. I simply saw it as a glorified one night stand that I’ll always remember. I knew he was deep into coke and molly; I think that had a lot to do with my reluctance. At the time, I knew with complete confidence that any relationship with a drug addict would be toxic and destined to fail.

Fast forward another month, I started seeing him more. I felt more inclined to speak to him when I would see him out. I recall one evening I asked to crash at his spot because I had no where else to stay and he kindly invited me over. That night I became exposed to a more vulnerable side of him; he was open and honest. For the first time, I didn’t see him as a crazy party boy. I saw him as a regular 24 year old with fears, goals, and dreams… Just like the rest of us.

We started dating after we shared this wild night of partying. I told him the next morning that I typically don’t do relationships for various reasons; main reason being that it was hard for me to let my guard down entirely and the last one didn’t end so well. I knew that one day I’ll end up happily married with the love of my life. But for the time being, I felt cynical towards young relationships.

I saw him on a more consistent basis after he gave me the keys to his place. I was there every day so I started leaving my things. He eventually asked me to move in. With poor judgement and little hesitance, I grabbed my necessities and moved in with him. It was great the first month. Everything seemed perfect. He would always tell me how happy he was and how deep his love was for me. I believed him. I truly did.

Things started going downhill after I started seeing the red flags. Being around him nearly 24/7 made me even more aware of his heavy partying, drug abuse, and erratic behavior. We would be out at a bar together and he would see me talking to a guy and spazz. He didn’t trust me. He didn’t trust guys around me. The first night I truly experienced his erratic behavior was when we got back home and he told me he no longer wanted to be with me because of the way I dressed, he said it was too “sexual” and I looked like I was “asking for it”… My jaw dropped. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that I should move out. He made me feel shame. He made me feel like I was not worthy of any man’s love. Reflecting back on it now, I knew it was his deep rooted insecurities that spoke for him. He ended up apologizing that night; I forgave him, and I mistakenly allowed myself to believe that this would never happen again. I did not want to believe that his behavior that night was a sign of his poor character.

Soon after that I began experiencing more extreme shifts in his behavior. It became unpredictable and I began to feel like I had to walk on eggshells around him. I purposely alienated myself from some of my friends because I knew it would upset him if I spoke to anyone he felt insecure about, and he felt insecure about most of my friendships. I felt like I had made so many compromises in order for him to feel as secure as possible in our relationship. I stopped seeing my family as much, I saw my friends less, I stopped painting, I lost focus in school; I began to feel unmotivated to really do anything outside my relationship.

I believed that if I was able to make him feel secure, our relationship would be able to progress in a healthy and stable way. I also believed that my love was enough to make him want to slow down the drug use, and eventually stop using altogether. I was so hopeful and so naive.

Our fights became progressively worse. By the time we “resolved” our arguments, he would feel like he no longer loved me, he no longer wanted a relationship with me. He always apologized and tried to explain his erratic behavior, always saying it was just out of anger and he didn’t mean to hurt me.

Dating him felt like an emotional roller coaster that would never end.

There were times where I would sit by myself and think about how unhealthy this was, and how I was beginning to lose myself in the process of trying to make things work. I knew it was wrong, but I put his needs before mine. I was so selfless for a man who was completely selfish and undeserving.

I always ended up with a completely insensitive prick or an overly insecure nutcase. He just ended up being both. Despite what was right in front of me, I still loved him and wanted things to work. I continued to find ways to rationalize that our relationship was still worth fighting for, even though I was the only one fighting to keep it alive.

Sometimes you don’t realize how bad it is until you’re in too deep. I invested so much of myself in this relationship that I feared losing it. I did not understand at the time that while I was fighting to salvage my relationship, I was losing my sanity.

I could not take the pain anymore. My relationship with him brought out the worst in me as it was dragging me into a very dark place. It reached a point where I was contemplating suicide.

It took a lot of time and a lot of tears, but things began to clear up for me. I was in a toxic relationship with a drug addict who didn’t truly love me.

Always a lesson, never a regret.

It’s impossible to love and receive love healthily from a man when he doesn’t even love himself. Love isn’t enough to save someone from their demons; if change is what you seek from a person, they must change for themselves. And the moment you begin to feel like you’re losing yourself in the process of trying to make things work in a relationship, reevaluate and question whether the sacrifice is worth it. Hint: it never is.

I’m weary of giving and giving
With no respite to my mind
No one sits for but a moment
No one dares to take some time
To ask how it is I’m doing
To see how it is I fare
To listen, just for a moment, to the thoughts awhirl up here
People aren’t catered to listen
Their own wants are much too strong
The selfish needs of every person, who believes all others are wrong
Their day by day understanding
Of the very particular needs
With thoughts that echo and holler
me, Me, ME
Because I do not fit
In the box of expected traits
I am dealt with in discomfort, and looked at with hate
I am viewed as something lesser
An oddity of disjointed breaths
Where my feelings are outlandish
Where my thoughts are far too deft
To the “normal” mind with simple views
With typical thoughts and easy truths
With speech like their neighbors, and synchronized fears
Where it’s easy to label me, other, and jeer
Power to the cold, power to the strong
Power to the people who don’t see the evil and wrong
Power to those who feel nothing at all
Power to the angels never tempted to fall
I am the destroyer of order
The great deceiver of fates
My touch is a corrosion
My lips are rusted gates
To a tongue that’s of venom
With a parasitic edge
All the beauty I behold
I suck dry until it’s dead
So I’ve dissected my body
To give my organs for free
To fix what I have broken
The pain I have given thee
Take my blood and the innocence
Take my sanity and my fight
Take my will and all my goodness
So that I can make the damage right
I just want to show reality
Where an entire mass is not just marred
That some people are genuine
Truthful, lovely, and scarred
But my nature dictates my intentions
Despite the righteous claim
And I will never be seen as worth while
I will only be looked at in shame
My existence is a burden
My soul is not enough
No patience to a monster
Everyone has given up
So hate me please, punish me
For the cards that have been dealt
Just know it doesn’t measure up
to how much I hate myself
—  Leilah Ali  
Important Announcement.

Hi guys. Gals. People. Everyone. This is going to be long, okay? Okay. There’s some brief mental health stuff down here, so, be wary.

I have two very important things to share with you all, and let me preface all of this by saying I’ve thought long and hard about everything. It’s not easy for me to admit. Actually, I’m ashamed and it hurts me to even have to say this, so please, for the love of my sanity, don’t fight me on this, guys, okay?

First off, I love you. Each and every one of you. I’ve helped many of you, talked with some of you on our tinychat sessions, and I’ve gotten to know a lot of you through Skype. I recognize names that show up in our inbox more than once, and it makes me proud to know I’m someone you guys can come to for help, whether it’s for writing or not.

But I can’t help people when I can’t even help myself. And right now, the place I’m in – I’m not sleeping for days at a time. When I do sleep, I get sleep paralysis and it terrifies me, guys. My anxiety is suffocating and has reached levels I can’t handle on my own anymore. My DID is also getting worse, and some days, I’m not even sure if I’m myself or if I’m actually here. And it hurts me to say this. It physically pains me to have to admit all of this.

So I’m stepping down – ish. I can’t trust myself to answer asks anymore. I can’t. I’ll still be helping with contests and prompts, and I’ll help edit or beta for people over Skype or our email as often as I can – but I’m honestly not sure how often that can be anymore. When it comes to that, guys, I’m begging you to have patience with me. I’ll help you, I swear to God I will, but it might take longer than it used to.

Totally not crying right now. Nope. Moving on.

Second, I already have someone to replace my normal admin duties. He’s a very close friend of mine, someone I trust and respect, and he’ll be able to do everything I.. can’t anymore. He’ll be V on the blog [because we have so many damn S’s that I made him pick a different letter]. I’ll have him do an intro post soon, or you guys can just ask questions for him to do an AMA sort of thing. Something. We’ll figure it out.

But I wanted you guys to know what was going on, and I didn’t want to just.. leave you guys without saying anything. You are the best group of people I could have ever hoped to have follow this blog, and I mean that with all of the sincerity I have.

You guys can still talk to me on Skype [xixi-us], and if I’m, you know, coherent, I’ll be happy to talk to you guys and help you there. Just… All I can ask is that you have patience with me, and forgive me if I don’t answer. I’ll try my fucking hardest to answer, but if it’s not me, or if I’m.. not okay, I just. I can’t.

I’m really sorry for letting you guys dow, and I’ll miss you all.