✥ pairing: Jungkook | reader I Yooongi
✥ genre: angst (Soulmate!au meets Hanahaki!au)
✥ word count: 3.863
✥ warnings: none
✥ author’s note: mylord end me. i have absolutely no hint of a plot whatsoever so im making this into something along the lines of a three part story. like three stages of heartbreak or somthing along those lines. take it, eat it and shit it out im done with everything bless you.
Saudade; ↪ The feeling of intense longing for a person or place you love but is now lost
You coughed, surprising yourself. A burning sensation started to travel up from your abdomen to your throat. You started to cough so hard you felt like throwing up.
A wave of pain suddenly washed over you; it was exquisite and debilitating. For you, it was the worst burning sensation you had ever felt. Your throat gurgled as you struggled to breathe, spitting blood. Your body was shaking. Slowly breathing hard, your hand shot to your side, clutching it as an electric shock from the pit of your stomach ran throughout your body, and then caught fire. The pain was merciless without escape. You fell to your knees, hands stretched out in front of you on the ground for support.
You felt something caught in your throat. Then, you sputtered out something – something dry.
There, you saw it.
Your eyes went wide and for a moment, you couldn’t breathe. You scooped it up in your hands, fighting the urge to cry.
In your palm lay a familiar cluster of rose petals.
With a burst of anger, you threw away the petals, now littering the washroom floor. Biting back tears, you slumped your head against the cabinet in defeat. You watched the petals splay across the floor with an unwavering gaze as their fiery red orb of light slowly sank into threads of light, dyeing the petals first orange, then red, then dark blue, until all that was left of the petals were a chalky mauve.
Coughing out flowers sounded like a curse out of a fairy-tale – one that could never and would never exist in the real world. It was too beautiful, too unearthly to be true. However, when you first started coughing out tiny rose petals, you found out that you were cursed with the Hanahaki disease.
The disease started when you met Jungkook. The two of you were five-year-olds, innocent as day. Jungkook moved next door and he had reluctantly joined your tea party and a friendship slowly blossomed between the two of you. You had not have begun to cough flowers just yet. The two of you were far too young to experience any form of puppy love.
The first time you coughed out rose petals, the two of you were ten. Sitting near the edge of a lake, Jungkook had opened up to you and as his best friend, you listened. He told you about his crush on another girl in your class. When he first mentioned her name and how much he had a crush on her, your chest tightened, and your throat felt as if something was clogging it up. You gasped for air, and Jungkook thumped your back and a handful of rose petals fell onto your lap.
Screams erupted from both your lips and Jungkook practically carried you all the way back, even though you resisted his offer. Jungkook went home that night, thinking that you had accidentally eaten some flowers as a joke and everything was normal again. It was that night when your mother explained the Hanahaki disease to you for the first time.
It was said that a witch once cursed the entire women of a village for loving the village head – someone who wasn’t their soulmate. Although finding your soulmate was, and still is a rarity, the witch cursed them with the Hanahaki disease. The flower that grew within you would be different for each person – it would reflect the splashes of colors you had painted for their soulmate to see.
Your mother had explained how she too, used to cough out flowers when she was a little girl because she was in love with your father but he never reciprocated her feelings until later. It was a fatal disease, for the growing flowers would eventually clog up your respiratory system. The disease could only be removed if one undergoes an operation to remove the flowers, along with their feelings.
Jungkook’s crush with that girl in his class didn’t last very long, and thankfully, the flower petals stopped for a period of time. However, flash forward to your second year in high school, things were different now with you and Jungkook. Sure, the two of you were best friends, and the two of you spoke and hung out together a lot; but the only thing that was different was your love for Jungkook and Jungkook’s love for someone else.
It was like history repeated itself when he had told you that he planned to ask out your sister. He’s always fancied her, you’ve just been in denial for the entire time.
You sat under the sunset, reading a book when he first told you.
“Y/N, I’m going to ask Hyojin out,” he had mentioned out of the blue. Your chest tightened, the same way it did when you were ten. You felt a tingling, itchy feeling clawing up your throat and stopping midway. It felt like a hairball that had been stuck, but you managed to swallow it down with some water.
“Y/N, are you okay? You look like your –“
“I’m okay, Jungkook. I just choked a little on my water when I laid down,” you lied, clutching your chest and covering your mouth to prevent yourself from coughing out any more petals.
Jungkook raised an eyebrow but did not question further. “Well, what do you think I should do?”
You thumped your chest and the tightening feeling disappeared for a while. “Just go straight up to her and tell her,” you said. “Look she’s right there,” you pointed out to your sister, who was much prettier, perfect and definitely much more of Jungkook’s type than you ever were.
With a small smile, he ruffled your hair. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for,” were his last words to you before Hyojin accepted his confession.
That night, you tossed and turned in your sleep, until you gave up. It was three AM, you sat on your bed, coughing out petal after petal, tears streaming down your face as you clutched your chest. The endless stream of petals seemed as if it would never stop, likewise with your tears as one single word ran through your mind. Jungkook. Jungkook. Jungkook. How ironic was it that he was as beautiful as the flowers you were coughing out?
You shut your eyes, trying to compose yourself before you were forced to go outside once again. On your knees, you and gathered the petals and dropped them into the toilet, flushing them away. You stared at the bowl as the petals swirled through the water, whirled away from you.
You stood up, gripping the side of the vanity. The pain had an unpleasant warmth to it, eating at your stomach. You felt slightly nauseous, just enough to make you hold onto the table for support and breath slow. You’ve often prized yourself in ignoring the pain and just rocking on regardless, but that just wasn’t possible right now. It owned you, dominated every thought, and controlled your every action.
You stared into the mirror in front of you. Your hair was sticking to the sides of your face as a thin sheet of perspiration glistened on your neck and forehead. Your cheeks were flushed and the tip of your nose was pink from crying. Dried up tears were streaked across your face, glistening under the fluorescent lighting. There was something solemn swimming in your eyes. Their stunning, deep brown held a truth that your face could not hide. The despairing chill that they conveyed made you feel heartbroken. You looked away; you couldn’t bear it. A lone tear rolled down your cheek.
And so, the world turned into a blur along with all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone. You paused trying to hold back the strange feelings rumbling inside of you but you couldn’t. Another tear traced down your cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened. So many tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down your face. Your chin trembled as if you were a small child. You breathed heavier than you ever had before.
You heard the door creak open, the sound of footsteps coming to halt.
“Oh shit,” you heard a panicked voice curse from the doorway.
Your heart missed a beat.
“Sorry, the door was unlocked…” his voice trailed off the moment his eyes landed on you.
Through the mirror in front of you, you saw him.
“I-I was j-just leaving.”
Immediately, your hand flew to your face, wiping away your tears. You quickly removed the strands of hair sticking to the side of your face. You didn’t wait for a response as you tried to leave the washroom – you were beyond mortified.
You felt a hand firmly grasp your arm, halting you from moving any further. a soft whimper left your mouth as you desperately tried to wriggle out of his grasp. you tried your hardest not to look at him. you didn’t know what would happen if you did.
“Jungkook,” you choked out as you wilted under the heat of his stare. Your eyes trailed up to meet his. The two of you were standing in the washroom, staring at each other. Your stomach filled with a sense of fear and excitement. Time seemed to stop as those eyes met your own.
His touch was as gentle as silence but was still firm, unwilling to let go of you. You brought your head down to look at his chest instead.
“Jungkook, l-let go of me,” you repeated, your voice came out as a whimper. The familiar scent of his cologne infiltrated your nose and invaded your senses. You needed to get out. Now.
When Jungkook spoke, his voice trailed slowly, like his words were unwilling to take flight. There was a sadness in his eyes, the brown too glossy – similar to when you two were on the rooftop a few months ago.
“Y/N,” Jungkook paused, it was the first time in months you had heard his voice say your name. “I-I’m sorry,” his voice was as light as a whisper but heavy with emotion.
You tilted your head to look at him. Your eyes landed on his jaw and trailed up his cheeks to meet his eyes. His eyes were heavy with unshed tears.
“For what?” you felt your stomach as it clenched and unclenched, You were worried that the petals would come straight back up.
“For everything,” his voice cracked, “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Just like that, your brain powered down, unable to process what was happening. A thousand different thoughts raced through your mind as you tried to focus on what was in front of you.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he let out a tiny exhalation, as though saying the words gave him relief. “I’m sorry I left you like that, for what I said to you,” he took in a breath, “ever since that night, I’ve physically felt your absence.” His voice got softer, “missing you is the hardest part of my day.”
You couldn’t speak, it felt like you were swimming through a fog.
“Then why did you leave?” the back of your eyes burned with tears.
“I—I, I was confused. I didn’t understand what I was doing,” he shook his head.
“Confused?” you pressed. A swinging, seasick feeling took over your head, “you were my best friend.”
“I know,” again he looked troubled, as though trying to recall the meaning of the words. “I–,” he opened his mouth to apologize again when you stopped him.
“Don’t,” you couldn’t stop your voice from rising. The anger was vibrating, ripping through you like a live current. “Don’t say it because I know you don’t mean it,” your vision got blurry. “I loved you. You were my one thing. My—,” the sickness surged up and you took a step forward, clenching your fists, blinded with rage. “Why did you have to take the one thing that made me happy? Why did you take it? Why do you always take everything?” you felt hot tears rolling down your face. “Did you even miss me?”
Jungkook’s mouth opened, but for a reason unknown to you, he closed it. You waited for an answer, but you were met with silence.
You scoffed, “I knew it.”
“Y/N –,” his eyes flashed with guilt.
You wriggled yourself out of his grasp and pulled yourself away from him. “Why do I even waste my time,” you said under your breath as you tried to push past him once again.
“No,Y/N!” Jungkook grabbed you by your shoulders, “I missed you every single hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me,” his voice was strained by the time he finished talking.
You saw how he was staring at you. You couldn’t bear to see the way he was looking at you. His eyes bore into yours and became glazed with a glossy layer of tears. As he blinked, they dripped from his eyelids and slid down his cheeks. Jungkook bit his lip tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from his mouth – your heart sank. You swallowed hard and looked away, hating the weakness of your spirit. You were more than this. You were stronger than this. But damn it, this hurt.
It hurt because he was the man responsible for making you burn. For making you feel like a woman. It hurt because it had been a trick. An illusion. And it hurt most of all because he did not see you the way you saw him.
“Y/N, please. Just listen to me,” Jungkook pled, “Don’t walk away from me,” tears had poured from his eyes. It was from pure pain and surrender.
Your eyes enthralled on him. His eyes were like crisp toffee drizzled in melted chocolate and framed with darling lashes. A blade nose and burrowed cheekbones, his appearance only to die for. You couldn’t help to notice leathery black strands flopping over his face which to your distaste was veiling some of his enticing features. So perfect, yet so frustrating that you could bear no social contact with that sensuous man. Damnit.
Jungkook did not belong to you, he belonged to your sister – Hyojin. She loved him, and you loved your sister. But you also loved Jungkook. You couldn’t break your sister’s heart, even if it meant breaking yours
“I’m good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject,” you couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes as you said it. You immediately regretted your words as soon as you thought of them, but you had no other choice.
You felt his hands drop from your shoulders in shock. Without sparing him another glance, you raced out of the room.
Your muffled sobs went unheard as you entered the living room. Immediately, you were hit with a suffocating wave of humidity. The air stunk with sweat and alcohol. Music blasted from the speakers and bounced off the walls of the house at a deafening volume. You could hear everyone screaming with joy and could feel their feet disturbing the ground around you. Without looking, their smiles extended towards you, attempting to rope you into one of their conversations. You saw people dancing – their bodies moved together as they celebrated, rhythmically breaking into shapes and colors that you were resentful of. You saw your sister, Hyojin, catch your gaze and attempted to pull you towards her group of friends. You simply looked away and headed towards the kitchen.
The kitchen was closed off and separated from the living room to which you were immensely grateful for. Along with you, there were a couple of people in a circle off to the side of the room, happily chatting amongst their selves. You walked to the counter and spotted a jug full of what you assumed to be water and poured some for yourself. You were never a fan of parties, especially not your sister’s and his first anniversary.
“I wouldn’t drink that if I were you,” you heard a light voice come from behind you.
Scared, you dropped the cup and splashed the contents of your beverage all over the kitchen counter and onto your dress.
Shit, you swore under your breath as you vigorously tried to rub off the liquid from your clothes. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a man step toward you. His hand was stretched out to stop yours from moving. You turned to look at the man that caused you to ruin your dress and for a moment, you stopped breathing.
His hair was black as the wintry night; eyes as deeply dark as were the desert skies. His beauty was as fervent as a fiery moon.
“Oh, did I scare you?” you heard him say with a small smile. “Ah, don’t worry about your dress. Vodka doesn’t stain.”
He nodded. The man offered you a comforting smile as he leaned against the wall. “Mostly vodka, there’s a whole lot of other shit in there.”
You laughed and immediately regretted it as you felt your head begin to hurt. You pressed your hand against your temple, feeling it pound under your fingertips.
“Normally people get head splitting migraines after they get drunk,” he playfully teased you. You lightly hit his arm.
“Do you want some water?” he asked you. You nodded your head before you clutched your eyes together. The pain was getting worse.
He walked to the back of the kitchen, bringing back a bottle for you. “Here,” he gave you a plastic water bottle. Grateful, you muttered a rushed thank you and immediately gulped down the clear liquid. You hadn’t realized how parched your throat was until that moment.
“Whoa there, slow down. You’re going to ch—“
You coughed out some water as you choked on it. A warm hand patted your back as you gripped onto the edge of the sink in front of you.
“Today just isn’t my day,” you awkwardly laughed.
You turned around to face the man once again. His eyes were as dark as ebony, looking straight at you with a hint of curiosity. He reminded you of the night – he was as fair as a star when only one was shining in the sky.
His eyes smiled as he stretched out his hand towards your own, “Min Yoongi.” You were slightly taken aback at the sudden introduction, but slowly, you returned the handshake, feeling his soft hands carefully grasp your own and shake it. You told him your name and you heard him hum in acknowledgment.
The man’s eyes slowly crinkled at the corners, his lips twisting from the side. His eyes formed into small crescents, similar to Jungkook – the ones you fell in love with.
Your chest began to constrict and you felt yourself about to cough at the mere thought of Jungkook. Hastily, you reached for the water bottle again and drank from it, trying to suppress your urge to throw up right there and then. You looked back to see a concerned expression on the man’s face.
You offered him a sheepish smile, “I’m sorry you had to witness all of that. I’m normally not like this. On regular nights, I can drink water without choking on it,”
He kept looking at you, his face grew serious, “what makes tonight any different?”
A moment of silence passed between the two of you before you made any motion to respond. You mentally debated if you should tell him about Jungkook. You hadn’t talked - couldn’t talk to anyone about this particular matter and Yoongi looked genuinely interested in what you had to say. You heaved a sigh and turned to look at him. “Tonight, I lost my best friend because I was stupid enough to fall in love with him,” the reality of the situation hit you after you admitted it out loud.
Yoongi made no comment. Instead, he leaned in, resting his arm on the counter top. His eyes flashed with concern as he waited for you to continue.
With an intake of breath, you poured your heart out to a complete stranger.
“For months now, a - a stone has been sitting on my heart. I’ve shed a lot of tears over him, lost a lot of sleep, and eaten a lot of cake batter. But now, after tonight, I have to move on. Life is going to be hell if I don’t shake loose from the grip he has on my heart. Even if he feels like the one. Even if I’ve always thought we’d end up together. Even if he still has a choke chain on my heart. But I can’t,” you looked at him, “Yoongi, I can’t shake him loose from the grip he has on me. I miss the smell of him. I miss his lips and his strong arms. I miss him.”
His eyes showed you the kind of gentle concern your mother used to show you. He laid his hand lightly on your shoulder, and instead of flinching like you thought you would, you were soothed by it. He left his hand there and spoke with such a soft voice you felt his words calming you more by the way they were said than the actual words. It felt as if you were wrapped in a blanket of his caring.
“I don’t think anyone can give you advice when you’ve got a broken heart. But, think of it this way: you can’t have heartbreak without love,“ he pointed out. “If your heart was really broken, then at least you know you really loved him.”
You took a minute to let his words sink in. Yoongi kept his hand on your shoulder, now sliding down to hold your arm, squeezing it slightly. You couldn’t help but ask him a question that’s been eating at you ever since you were left alone on the rooftop.
“Do people always fall in love with things they can’t have?’
“Always,” he said. You could see the silver of pain hidden deep inside his starry eyes.
He looked at you intently, from what seemed behind the veil of a grave experience. Then slowly, he said something that sent chills down your spine.
”Y/N, the heart was made to be broken.”