I am slowly but surely trying to deal with the salt I have for MCU Wanda and MCU in general.
Tony nearly threw his tablet.
Wanda shrank backward, frowning. She felt the need to apologize but it got stuck in her throat. Ever since her first apology where Tony had simply turned his back on her, she’d realized he hadn’t wanted to hear it.
Tony put a hand over his heart, took a deep breath, then turned toward her. “Yes, Ms. Maximoff?”
Wanda gripped her phone in her hands tightly, then charged forward. “Vision and I joined Tinder to learn more about human interaction together.”
Tony’s hand over his heart turned from trying to catch his breath to more of a clutching of pearls in horror. “Oh my God. Why?”
“Vision is still learning social cues,” Wanda explained, and then paused, because adding her reasoning would be giving him a piece of herself that she wasn’t ready to lay bare. Then again—she had seen his fears. Perhaps she needed to be laid bare to Tony. “I’m—when my brother and I joined Hydra, my learning of social niceties was stunted as well. And I thought—”
“You thought Tinder was the way to learn?” Tony asked, appalled.
“I joined MeetMe, too…” Wanda began, but trailed off when Tony groaned and dragged his hands down his face.
“Honey,” Tony said, and Wanda bristled instinctively until she realized there was no condescension in his tone, and remembered that Tony preferred nicknames to people’s actual names. “Tinder is mostly for dating. Delete that one.”
“Okay, but, um—” Wanda hemmed and hawed, trying to figure out how to continue. “…I get the exact same messages on MeetMe. And some of these men are—I tell them I’m not interested in that, and they blow up at me. Even though MeetMe says it’s for friends.”
“Pepper gets creeped on with her LinkedIn account,” Tony informed her, tucking his tablet under his arm. “If it’s a private account, there will always be a creep that will try to hit on you.”
Wanda frowned down at her phone. “I also came to you because you’re—a numbers man?”
Tony paused, growing cautious again. “Yeah?”
“…I mean, statistically speaking, these men can’t possibly all have nine inch penises.”
Tony put a hand over his chest again. “Jesus Christ, I’m so glad these things didn’t exist when I was a child.” He paused. “…Fourteen-year-old me would have loved it but looking back on it that’s probably not good.”
That… explained a few things about Tony that she’d gleaned from his mind.
“Listen,” Tony sighed. “The best thing to do is block all the guys that get abusive. Hell, block all the guys that start messages with sex talk. Block every person that sends you a dick pic.”
“But I must learn to deal with these people,” Wanda insisted. “Properly. I must learn to control myself and my powers.”
Tony sighed again, frowning at her, then held his hand up. “Okay, just—wait a minute.”
“Okay,” Wanda answered quietly, and watched as Tony began to pace.
It took a few minutes, but then he stopped right in front of her, grabbed her shoulders, and leaned in. It wasn’t as intimidating as it might have been in the past.
“Tell them that you don’t fuck with guys over seven inches,” Tony began.
“WHAT,” burst out of Wanda’s mouth before he could continue.
“Shh,” Tony said, waving her outrage away. “And seven is really pushing it. Listen. The average vagina is three to four inches long when not aroused. It’ll elongate when you are! But without the arousal, it’s three to four inches. You don’t wanna cram nine inches up there.”
Wanda kind of wanted to die even if this was good information.
“So tell them you only take seven inches, and watch these losers who think size makes up for skill backpedal and say oh no, they really are only seven inches. Boys are stupid, Wanda.”
“Really?” Wanda asked skeptically.
Tony nodded. “Yes.”
Wanda wasn’t sure she believed him. “Well, alright.”
“Stupid,” Tony insisted again.
She nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Tony agreed, then gave her a pat on the shoulder and turned to leave. “This was weird please ask Clint next time.”
Clint probably wouldn’t have given her very good advice. Sometimes he treated her like a child, who needed to be protected. Wanda wasn’t a child; she was an adult, who could make her own decisions. That was part of the reason she’d struggled after Ultron—she hadn’t been held accountable for her actions.
And maybe she thought she hadn’t needed to be held accountable then either. She had been angry and—well. That didn’t matter now. She had made mistakes, and now she had to pay for them. It was something that she was coming to grips with.
Wanda had hope that people would one day see beyond her mistakes, though. People had seen past Tony’s after all. Tony hadn’t let his mistakes define him. She may have to try a little harder to be accepted after what she did, but she would do continue to try anyway, even though there were certainly going to be people who never forgave her. It was what she deserved. She understood that now.
“Why did Tony just tell you the average depth of a woman’s vagina?” Natasha asked, snapping her gum.
Wanda threw her phone with a yell. The only thing that saved it was her magic.
“Actually never mind, I don’t care.” Natasha snapped her gum again, flopping down onto the couch. “The average dick is five inches by the way.”
“Oh. Um. Thank you,” Wanda replied, then hurried away before she was told anything else about the human body.