Gavin pushed the food on the plate around mindlessly. “I thought you were hungry?” He looked up to see who spoke, lazily meeting Jeremy’s gaze. He shrugged his shoulders and turned his attention back to the food steadily getting cold.
“Gav? What’s wrong?” Footsteps came closer before the sound of a chair scraping against the floor was heard. Gavin didn’t look up, fork stopping in its movements.
“Nothing.” He tried. But Jeremy wasn’t fooled.
“You can tell me.” And then when that didn’t work, a stricter, “Gavin.” Finally, he looked up to his boyfriend as he chewed on his lower lip. Jeremy’s expression softened as he took in Gavin’s face. “Please.”
“Do you love me?” Gavin finally spoke. His fingers dropped the fork in favor of playing with themselves nervously. Jeremy did a double take, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, probably wondering where this conversation was going.
“Of course I do. Gavn… What’s this all of a sudden?” he asked.
“Then,” Gavin took a deep breath to try to steady him, “why don’t you show it?” There was a tense silence while the question hung heavy in the air.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jeremy’s voice turned hard and Gavin flinched at the sound. His fingers tapped along his hands and a part of him was saying to shut up. That this wasn’t him talking, that he was most definitely going to regret this conversation later. After he pulled himself out of his feelings and wasn’t quite so uncaring. But the apathetic part of him wanted to keep speaking. To maybe start a fight. So that maybe.. Maybe he’d feel something again.
“With the crew. You don’t ever kiss me or touch me. Is it because you’re embarrassed of me? Don’t want the other guys to know about us?” Gavin said, even though knew those things weren’t true. He knew Jeremy showed his affections for him in other ways. Making sure his boyfriend ate or slept most times. Going out of his way to make sure Gavin was alright. Buying or stealing things for him unprompted, just because he had thought of the other.
But he still said it. And Gavin could see how much it hurt the man to hear those words.
“Gavin.” Jeremy sounded close to tears and he had to look away. He couldn’t bring himself to watch as the tears fell, no matter how badly he wanted to feel. “You know. You know I can’t do that. Why are you pushing me now?”
There was no way to answer that without sounding absolutely insane. ‘Because I want to fight’? ‘Because I don’t feel anything’? So Gavin sat there instead, as silent as ever while he thought.
“Then I don’t think we can do this anymore, Jeremy. I think-”
“No, please don’t.”
“-it’s time we broke up.”
“Gav.” Jeremy’s voice cracked and Gavin closed his eyes.
“You can’t give me what I need right now, Jeremy.” He swallowed hard, trying to force the lump back down his throat.
“Please. What do you need? I’ll do anything.” He begged.
“I..” Gavin paused, trying to find the right words. “I need you to leave.” There was a shaky breath from across the table, a barely audible ‘Gavin’. “Please. Just leave.”
Jeremy made a pained noise, but he obliged. “I love you.” He said, almost a plea. After a moment, it was just Gavin and his thoughts once more.
He waited. But still, nothing came. No anger. No heart-wrenching sadness. No guilt.
Only the knowledge that he had greatly fucked up and would deeply hate himself once this apathetic episode was over. But for now, Gavin merely stared at the spot his ex-lover had been sitting in.
What had he just done?
In order to try to make himself feel better, all he had accomplished was hurt the one person who meant the world to him.
He put his heads in his hands and tried to force the tears to come. Tried to force his anger, his self-hatred. Anything. He sat there instead, dry eyed and empty inside.