my dogs are cooler than your dogs

bo burnham ask meme.

“Okay, that’s a used napkin.”
“Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book.”
“It’s so hard to be a lizard.”
“Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.”
“For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.”
“JUGGLING! We can do juggling, and JUGGLE OUR CARES AWAY!”
“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”
“Where are all the sour patch parents?”
“Art is a lie. NOTHING IS REAL.”
“What’s a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.”
“And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.”
“YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”
“Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”
“The world’s not sad! The world’s funny! I get it now- I’m a sociopath!”
“What the fuck’s a g-spot.”
“I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?” So I didn’t exist.”
“Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.”
“When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.”
“Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke… tumors.”
“If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”
“Being a comedian isn’t capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public- it’s being a HERO!”
“Why are you wearing a condom?! I’m fucking you with a strap-on!”
“Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.”
“If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.”
‘Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.”
“Pages are blank. I know it. Why am I lying to you?”
“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
“He was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken.”
“I don’t think that I can handle this right now.”
“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should… fix that. It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me!”
“I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.”
“I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I’d like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.”
‘Love is all about… whistles.”
“WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?! I cried myself to sleep!”
“There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?”
“I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish colour.”
“Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.”
“You guys like impressions? Why?”
“I like oreos and pussy! Yes, in that order!”
“So, basically, you’re still a little bitch.”
“I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me…”
“I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3.”
“My love’s the kind of thing you’ve got to earn, and when you earn it, you won’t need it.”
“There’s a trillion aliens cooler than you.”
“I’m just being alive! You should try it, you might LIIIIKE it.”
“I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.”
“I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, and trustful, and I’m just lookin’ for somebody to love.”
“I saw a flyer for a lost dog; and the dog didn’t have any legs.”
“Because this is a metaphor for racism!”
“If I had a million dollars, I’d pay for sex with your mom. Afterwards, I’d probably invest the remaining 999,990 dollars TEN DOLLARS FOR SEX WITH YOUR MOM. COMEDY.”
“Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.”
“Tragedy will be exclusively joked about.”
“I can’t fit my hand inside a pringles can.”
“Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick?!”
“But the truth is, my biggest problem is you. I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself.”
“Look, maybe there’s something that we can do together.”
“So I should probably just shut up, and do my job.”
“So, sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact.”
“Lick your lips to make it more comfortable.”
“Have you ever stopped to see a bluebird drop from a tree, and take to the air? Me neither.”
“The people in my life are like grains of sand, ‘cause they stick together. …often near my butthole.”
“The people in my life are like blades of grass, ‘cause they’re all so grounded. But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE!”
“If Mama is right, and the world is my oyster; then I must have an allergy to shellfish.”

Park Place (Part 1/7)

Summary: You go on your usual walk with your dog in the park only to bump into someone special.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: ~1000

Warnings: This is my first published fanfic, so it’s probably crap. As far as content, pretty tame. One cuss word, maybe just a lil fluff/flirting. 

A/N: Like I said, first published fanfic, so please go easy on me (if anyone sees this). I hope you enjoy :D If anyone wants a part 2, just let me know! 


Your phone alarm woke you up at your usual time, 9:30 a.m. Normally, you’d roll over and take it off of its charger, turn off the alarm, and would check all of your emails and social media to get a slower start to your morning. But the warm presence lying next to (and on top of) you was stopping you from doing that.

         “Lola,” you managed to wheeze out, “Can you maybe get off of me?”

         Your loveable, but heavy, German Shepherd wagged her tail in response, but stayed where she was, resting her head on your chest, snuggling in deeper into the hollow of your shoulder and neck.

         “Does someone want to be lazy today?” you asked. “Or do you want to go for a…walk?”

         At your last word, Lola leapt up in excitement, practically bruising your ribs in the process. You gripped your abdomen in pain for a few moments as she licked your face happily.

         “Okay, okay, we’ll go for the walk.”

         After getting dressed in some yoga pants and an athletic jacket, you grabbed Lola’s leash, hooking it onto her collar and heading out your apartment door. Despite her easily excitable tendencies, Lola was always very well-behaved when you went on walks, staying faithfully by your side. She’d never run, even if there was another dog or squirrel that caught her attention. It was something you were very proud of your fur baby for.

         You walked just the few blocks from your apartment until reaching the park. You preferred coming here earlier in the morning as opposed to the afternoon, as it wasn’t as crowded and was more peaceful. You began walking your usual path with Lola at your side, observing all your surroundings. The trees were just starting to turn shades of red and orange, with a few leaves scattered on the ground here and there, which Lola happily investigated.

         All of a sudden, you heard Lola bark beside you, and just as you looked down to see what got her attention enough to warrant a bark, she bolted across the grass, yanking the leash from your grip and nearly making you stumble.

         “Wh-Lola!” you shouted after her. This was just uncharacteristic. Lola never ran off, and judging by the way her tail was wagging at full force, she wasn’t scared, either.

         Rolling your eyes, you began to run after your dog, continuing to shout her name in hopes of breaking her attention from whatever seemed to hold it. But as you saw Lola skid to a stop, you realized it was more of a whom.

         You stopped in your tracks, seeing Lola running and bouncing happily around a complete stranger. Lola was a social dog, and would greet strangers unless they were untrustworthy or creepy, but she never went in full love-mode like this so soon before.

         Shaking your head, you walked up to the man, who Lola was still vying for the affection of. He was bent down, and she flopped over onto her back in hopes of getting a belly rub.

         “Your dog is very friendly,” the man said, laughing softly. His smile was faint, but still gorgeous.

         “She’s not normally,” you said in response, a bit flustered. As the man turned to raise a questioning eyebrow at you, you shook your head, realizing how that just sounded. “Not that she’s a mean dog or anything. She’s very sweet, just not normally so affectionate to someone she or I don’t know, and she definitely doesn’t run to someone like that. No offense to you, I mean. I’m sure you’re great.” Shut up. Shut up now, you thought.

         “She’s just social,” he said, and smiled warmly down at her. Apparently, he was just as smitten with her as Lola was with him. And as you looked down at the two of them more, you soon began to realize how the man seemed slightly familiar to you. His broad, muscular physique was one clue, as well as the shaggy brunette locks that fell to his strong jawline. And as he pet Lola, you noticed his attire – a long sleeved athletic shirt and basketball shorts – and a pair of what looked like to be bicycling gloves covering his hands. It was cooler outside today, but not enough to warrant gloves. When the end of the sleeve of his left arm rode up from the edge of his glove, revealing a hint of metal, you realized exactly how you knew this man.

         You stopped your jaw from hitting the ground as you realized that this was none other than the Winter Soldier himself, a.k.a. Captain America’s best friend, for crying out loud. Of all people to run to, your dog just magically picked the super soldier hero. On second thought, maybe that’s why she bolted toward him so fast, you thought. I would have done the same – he’s pretty hot.

         Shaking your head, you brought yourself out of your thoughts and back into the present situation, which was the Winter Soldier petting your German Shepherd. Just a normal Wednesday morning for you, sure.

         “I’m sorry Lola interrupted your run,” you said, rubbing the back of your neck. You almost felt like an embarrassed teenager with their mother, as Lola was now vigorously licking his leg.

         “It’s no problem,” he replied. “It’s the most affection I’ve gotten in 70 years, anyway.”

         You didn’t know if it was appropriate for you to laugh or not – you didn’t want to be rude to someone who could probably crush you in two, and that’s not with the metal arm. You knew everything about his history that the internet and the media gave out, and even then you knew it wasn’t all correct – he was a person, after all, not just some discussion topic. But the fact he grew up with Captain America was one that you knew to be true.

         “You can laugh, God knows the others do,” he said to you. You let out the smile you were trying to repress (and probably were failing at) with a sigh.

         “I’m glad you told me, otherwise I would have probably just stood there awkwardly,” you said. “I’m Y/N.”

         To your surprise, he held out a hand - the non-metal one. “Bucky. It’s nice to meet you.”

         “You, too,” you said, shaking his hand. Despite the cooler temperature outside, his hand was surprisingly warm. “Well, I’m sure you have more important things to do than to talk to me and pet my dog.” Probably a bunch of badass superhero things. “Have a nice day. Come on, Lola.”

         Practically having to drag your dog away from him, you watch as Bucky resumes his run. You turn around, shaking your head in disbelief at what just happened to you. You had to call your sister.

The reversed Cinderella

BTS werewolf AU

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7/Part 8/Part 9/Part 10/ Part 11

A/N : Thank you for supporting me with this series , I will do my best for you guys. If you want to request another member please send me an Ask or a Request ,I will gladly write it. Sorry for any mistakes made.😊😉

Word count: 4,253

Warnings: Bad language at times.

  You closed the door behind you and left with Jimin. While you were walking the sun was peeking through the trees trying to get a glimpse of the animals in the forest as they were running around and playing. You stopped ,placing your arm above your head to make a bit of shade as you looked at the crystal clear sky.

“Today is such a nice day.”a giggle escaping your lips “Don’t you think so too?”you turned towards Jimin

“It is quite warm, but I do agree with you.” 

  He had really thick fur so it was natural for him to feel super hot under the rays of the sun. 

Keep reading

tod-bowen replied to your post:[pm] So, uhm, I got a few books on magic. The…

[pm] [d: I knew you weren’t so bad!] Hey, np, we gotta stick together, right? Krypto’s a little freaked out, he got soaked in blood and, well… Long fur, not pretty. Wish I knew where to file my strongly worded letter. Let me start scanning!

[pm] You know this is a temporary arrangement, right?  Of course, Bowen. Has anyone ever told you that your last name is a lot cooler than your first? Bowen detaches me from you has a better ring! 

And I totally get it, my dog has long fur too. Getting whatever this is out of Duck’s fur was horrible. And thank you again, Bowen. 

Wait hold on you named your dog Krypto? Like Superman’s dog? Loser