my dad looks like a sloth

Assorted Game Grumps starters part 3

❝How am I supposed to walk around with a taut sphincter now for the next twenty five hours.❞
❝I’ve learned the importance of being cuddled.❞
❝Put a stamp on my forehead. Shits getting real!❞
❝Baths are amazing, especially when you bring a friend.❞
❝Here’s a ring pop, baby. It’s you favorite flavor: divorce!❞
❝Jesus, you gotta wine and dine me first. You can’t just open up with that shit.❞
❝What, you wanna try diplomacy? He’s a fucking crab!❞
❝‘Bonfire’ is made up of two words: ‘bonf’ and ‘ire.’❞
❝Is this whole game a Christian allegory for redemption?❞
❝God, no one get’s tail like jugglers, man.❞
❝These balls are coming at me fast and furious. It’s like that movie, ‘Speed.’❞
❝Hold on to your tits, everyone. This is happening.❞
❝_______, as I was about to say, revenge is a dish best served fuck you.❞
❝Oh man you little tumble weed fuck get back here.❞
❝When someone says ‘just fuck me up’ on the internet that means have sex with me in a rough, passionate manner, correct?❞
❝This feels so slippery. This is like sliding a wet sandwich down a hill with your tongue.❞
❝I love you. I love your fucking brain.❞
❝Yeah, you can feel me. Any fuckin’ time you want, dude. I am right here next to you. Just waiting.❞
❝Young man, there’s no need to feel sass. I said young man, stick your hand in my ass.❞
❝His parents aren’t home and he’s invited me over! I can’t wait to get fucked!❞
❝Water is just… air juice.❞
❝Any self-respecting baby would be in awe of my parenting skills right now.❞
❝I moved to Madagascar… where my best friend was a SLOTH!❞
❝Holy shitfuck, great balls of fire.❞
❝I have to take off my jacket because I’m getting hot because this sucks so bad.❞
❝Who wears pants anymore? So 2015.❞
❝I’m in a totally different spot now. Like a spot I wasn’t before.❞
❝I hate playing games with you.❞
❝Look, you tell a couple jokes as a dad and suddenly everyone’s like ‘you’re making dad jokes.’❞
❝As long as I live, I will never stop loving your random bursts of outrage.❞
❝Um, did you see how strong his bullet was?❞
❝I love watching you guys suffer.❞
❝Be honest and faithful to your loved ones. And second to that…be fucking radical as shit.❞
❝I’m gonna touch somebody’s butt, and I don’t know who it’s gonna be.❞

Omgcp character as things I’ve done (because I love this new meme):

Bitty: sent friend a care package of baked goods. Realized I didn’t send her her favorite foods so I made those and sent another. Remembered that she requested some fun stuff to take her mind off of school so I sent another package with stickers, coloring books, playdoh, stationary, and a stuffed sloth. I sent all of these within two weeks.

Jack: was asked for my number at a party. Couldn’t hear well and thought he had asked for a plumber. I told him to call the maintenance guy on campus who looks like a hippie Santa Claus. He was very confused and walked away.

Shitty: when my dad told me how he was so happy I didn’t cake on my makeup like other girls I proceeded to wear an obscene amount of makeup for the next week or so. My pores got so clogged and I broke out that I ended up having to cake on makeup to cover it up anyway.

Lardo: got in a debate with my art history professor over just how gay Leonardo DaVinci was.

Chowder: went to the Georgia aquarium. First time I saw the whale sharks I cried. Spent so long in the whale shark observation room that I ended up falling asleep. As a result of this I spent over four hours in that room.

Nursey: wrote a really shitty limerick about ocean conservation in fifth grade and my teacher submitted it in a contest. Won the contest and had my 32 line limerick about a fish that choked on a bottle cap displayed in the state Capitol building.

Dex: exploded on my brother over the mispronunciation of “gif”. I cried a lot.

Tango: got so stressed out over Renee DesCartes “I think therefore I am” that I got a migraine and had to lay down in the nurse’s office until the end of the day.

Whiskey: had my windows open in the summer and heard loud music and laughter coming from my neighbors barbecue; texted my friends complaining about the noise and they came to the agreement that I was actually the grinch.

Bonus:

Tater: bookmarked the person next to me’s book when they fell asleep on the plane and proceed to tuck them in with the blanket they had.

Kent: was flirting with guy and he asked for pictures and I sent a ton of me and my cat. Apparently he was allergic to cats and told me he wasn’t interested anymore.