my cooter

The Best Thing On The Internet Today - February 21, 2017

The struggle. 

You: Want to come to my party?

Me: Will there be guys dressed like avocados? 

You: No

Me: Nah

Looking into legally changing my name to Cooter Girl. 

Well…. shit. 

Good to put a face with where my life savings went. 

anonymous asked:

Y'all wtf here I was just having a nice little nap when all a sudden I'm dreaming of goddamn DRAUTOS lifting me onto a bed and going down on me like a starved man. I didn't ask for this. I didn't even like him! I just read a fic or two and said I wasn't gonna get sucked into his hell and now look at me. Practically wishing to go back to sleep just so we can continue THAT again. (I know it wasn't you're fault but damn son wtf how'd I get here???) Now if it were Ignis that's different...

*looks at @sonsoflucis and @louisvuittontrashbags*

YA DONE LET SEAN PAUL’S TINGY DINGY SNATCH HER UP, HOPE Y'ALL ARE HAPPY

A Little Late

“I’ve got to go love, I’ll be back before the baby comes. It’s still three weeks away.” Chibs knelt in front of me, one hand resting on my swollen stomach, the other caressing my face.

“Club business comes first.” I said bitterly, I knew he’d stay if he could, but my hormones were raging out of control.

“Call Gemma if you need anything. I love you.” I could see it in his eyes, that he would stay if he could. I leaned down kissing him, my hands cupping his face.

“I love you too. Come back to us safe.” He leaned down kissing my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair.

“I love you.” He said to my stomach, he was rewarded with a kick. “Always.” He stood up and walked out the door.

Keep reading

MORE QUOTES FROM THE MADNESS (21+ YOI Discord Server)

[Act I]

NO POOP IN MY SMUT

Ohana means family. Family means you ban one of us and the whole server goes up in FLAMES.

voice orgy time

there’s no proof I’m the antichris

You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits

i’ll giv u hot tip every day bb wink wonk

voyage right into my ass

Throwegg throwegg handegg runegg runegg runegg handegg throwegg

siberia is russia’s azkaban with or without magic

‘internet wants the gays, mom’

weeb in progresss

#HamsterFreeAsses

Mmm. I love the smell of gender essentialism in the morning.

shakes fist at stars

I need to farm money hard to pay for Beka and Yura’s genetic surgery

please get your crotch fruit away from me

my only wish in life is to motorboat viktors ass

whoah i did not expect to be turned on in general chat today O.o

Hi we’re the cockgobblers

oxes are getting fucked tonight

we may be old but we are not dead yet

So it’s a long dick vic fic

Hmmm, idk I’ve seen some unexpected things stuck up asses

OMG I LOVE CRACK

bumpin uglies requires bumpers

to do list: shove ice up my gay ass

I ENJOYED AN ICE CUBE TO THE ASSHOLE YES.

IM GONNA PUNCH THE SHEEP

everything is a valid breakfast

daddy more like deaddy

whispers: what are water sports internet only shows me jet skis

JUST DRINK ALCOHOL GUYS

we cleanse ourselves in fire and porn

He’s angry, he furry, he’s on ice

I mean you guys can mail me sex toys if you want

gay lava

'ring toss’ all i can think of is rimming

I’m putting Georgi in my cooter

Gays should always be sheltered from the hetro heat. Someone come fan me with rainbow palm leaves

Id make your mom shit her pants

i got distracted with chris having a viking orgy by a fire

“check this box if you’re wearing a fur suit RIGHT NOW”

i will validate the shit out of you

Good luck for your murder

I HAVE A DEATH WISH NOT A FETISH

Sexual milkman

if you can’t figure out from 6 skaters who the Japanese one is when he’s standing there wearing Japanese skate team uniform then idk how to help you

GIVE IT BACK YOU HOMO EROTIC SINNERS

Human bacon is where it’s gonna be at

Eat kids, sure, but like… Cook them with seasoning

i clelaned my glasses and i can lowkey see through walls

all i do is fuck goats

Every time you lose your boner mid-coitus, it’s the Ghost of Denial floating through your body, seeking relief

Antis never forget their Chastity Belt™

(clenches fist) (raises hand to the sky) (slowly lets go) my final yike, may you be free

“nice fingers you got there. sure hope nothing happens to them”

How do I get a bigger dick Chris help me

Pour one out for Georgi

YEAH THATS HOW WE DO IT IN FLORIDA BITCHES

Real life Disney Prince: Johnny weir

I CAME OUT STILL ALIVE AND PRETTY GAY

I don’t get mail. I’m dead.

I’d never want a blowjob from a Spaniard

i’ll put something in your mouth jj but it aint soap

fuck me in the knee daddy

this chat is somewhere between a dumpster fire and an orgy

plisetsky and the dextrous tongue

discourse™

I want there to be a cereal called 'Oaty-beks’

WE ARE A NON SMOKE BUILDING

ICH SPRECHEN FUCKSHIT

dick me. with your giant monster cock

dont hiragana me, wife

Concept: yurio with one leg behind his head licking his hairy snow leopard balls

Victor looks like a $5 whore

Victor looks like if you threw a handful of coins at him you could get anything you wanted

if you’re worried about being tall then just get on your knees

I was riding the gay

Fuck þat, you’ll learn

~~follow for more soft alcohol uwu~*

careful of any ten year olds ogling your KNEES

maybe a third leg is helpful on the ice

how did Chris fit a washing machine in his anus?

Great, I come back to chat and Christophe has a washing machine stuck up his ass.

Guys, urgent question, but if Spongebob has a penis, what would it be like?

holy shit i wish i survived the dick

We’re raising a contortionist

Most of this cast is less than straight

his name is Dark Overlord Raven Madness Puma

cum facials don’t count

If you praise the Lord while you cum it’s basically confession

Spicy food is the devil’s cum  

i LOVE big dongs
I MEANT DOGS
FINGERS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

wanting to die in the jaws of a giant hamster, lovingly tucked into its cheek pouch until i gradually, softly lose consciousness in the warm wet cavern 

Hand me that cornbrator chum

Omw to dance but wanted to let you all know I had to stop myself saying “hit me with your car daddy” as I crossed the street.

Please immediately give me thousands of words of gay chicken “doesn’t count” Catholic guilt handjobs with JJ

I WANTED TO BE FUCKED BUT NOT LIKE THIS

LABIA FLAPPING IN THE WIND

The marriage will last as long as jj on their wedding night

i saw the words 'severe furry disappointment’. you called?

Surprise it’s syphilis

… being Hindu means all ur problems follow u to ur next life

“i’m just gonna rim this beaver … oh hey, strawberries!!!!!!”

I’M WHEEZING MY FRIEND BOUGHT EXPENSIVE STRAWBERRY SCENTED PERFUME AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS BEAVER ANAL JUICE

Vaseline on body so it slides

come platonically rub ice on my nipples

The aftermath…
We are still listening to helicopters rescuing people just a few neighborhoods over. After a 32hr shift, I was shocked to see water on the interstate. Two of our reservoirs are undergoing controlled releases, they are dangerously close to flowing over their dams. Harvey has destroyed a lot of Houston and the Gulf Coast…but the sight of these rescues restores hope! People as well as animals are being rescued and reunited. It really makes my heart smile❤️

anonymous asked:

Ughhhh dont even get me started on changkyun, that boi is lowkey kinky asf and he knows it

I want to wipe that nasty smirk off his god damn face with my cooter

anonymous asked:

That teaser for Ep Ignis has wrecked me oh my lordt

External image

I’m just gonna be in a happy, blissful, heavily aroused mood for the rest of tonight because of it tbh

anonymous asked:

You have gained a padawan hypa. Train me in the ways of Ignis thoting. I need your guidance

External image
You must always show your love and appreciation for our lord and savior by showing him his value. It can either be through simple compliments such as, “Your shirt looks good on you but it would look better on the floor,” or “come up with a new recipe in my cooter, daddy”, or simply physically showering him with affection by reaching over and grabbing his jun-

Ignis: Cease and desist, you madwoman.
Me: …what I do?
Ignis: You are prattling nonsense and suggesting to an impressionable person extremely inappropriate ways of interacting with me.
Me: Should I have told them to lick your collarbone first? I guess that’s better than going right for the D, my bad
Ignis: *takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, nostrils flaring* Why not instruct them to bring gifts of Ebony, or a detailed cookbook, or-
Me: Too SFW, I’m trash, so the D it is.
Ignis: … why do I bother trying to talk sense into you?
Me: I dunno, tbh

Idiots: You need penetrative sex in order to have an orgasm

Me: I’ve literally had more orgasms today than you have had in an entire month and have never put anything up my cooter…. so????