An asshole roommate and "faulty" wifi.
It’s been a little bit since I posted some revenge, but I’ve reached far into my memory bank and remembered this little gem from my junior year of college. Like, A thieving roommate and a “haunted” xbox, this tale of revenge is similar in terms of exacting it with the use of technology.
I lived off-campus my junior year of college with two others. Roommate 1 was a jolly guy who had a good head on his shoulders. He was respectful, went to class, did his fair share of household chores, and was an overall pleasant human being and someone I still call a very good friend to this today. Roommate 2, well…where do I begin?
Roommate 2 was respectful to an extent, until becoming loud and aggressive with individuals he disagreed with. He never went to class, never cleaned (even though he was home 24/7), wasn’t really that pleasant, and is someone I’m glad I’ll never (hopefully) have to deal with again. I’d leave for class around 8am just to come back around 2pm to find him still asleep. Other times I’d come back and hear the blasts of lasers and the trademark swishing of a lightsaber which meant he was playing some online Star Wars game on his laptop all day. That fucking game. I don’t know why, but that piece of shit game made my blood boil. Maybe because it was old and his intensely focused enthusiasm on something so low-tech, insignificant, and underwhelming just pissed me off to no end.
The wretched stenches that permeated off of his body where vile and rank. He would go days without showering and the smells would linger like a bad case of syphilis mixed with space aids. He also had a fetish for interrupting me while I was busy studying just to ask stupid questions. He once asked me if the word “layer” as in “I baked a layer cake” was spelled the same way as “lair” as in “I’m Batman, look at my secret lair”. I could only put up with that for so long.
Lastly, he always stayed up late, since he never went to class, and would play that goddamn Star Wars game on full volume while screaming at the top of his lungs. Thankfully, my girlfriend at the time lived close by so I’d spend a few days a week there just so I wouldn’t have to deal with Roommate 2 and his antics. And yes, Roommate 1 and I had plenty reasonable talks with Roommate 2, but he didn’t care, even being at the ripe age of 26….
The straw the broke the camel’s back was when I had a BIG exam next morning for a class I was struggling in. My girlfriend was away at the time and Roommate 1 was at his girlfriend’s house. I had no choice but to bite the bullet and take the chance staying home and hoping for a good night’s sleep. I told Roommate 2 about my exam and to just be courteous while playing video games or whatever.
I lied down and fell asleep…
“Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew!!!!!” “Swish vrom vrom vrooom vroom vrooom!” “COME ON…..FUCKING KILL HIM…..YES…HAHAHAHAHA!”
I was awoken just a mere hour into my slumber to him playing that fucking game. I texted the asshole and told him to keep it down. He said ok and I went to bed…..nope.
This pattern continued until I finally got up at 4am to talk to him. I said what I had to say, he returned some passive aggressive comments since my other roommate wasn’t home, and I just went back in my room and studied more seeing how I wasn’t going to bed at all.
The time came; I took the test and failed. I got home to be met with the usual horrid stench, complete squalor, and the sound of that fucking game.
I’d had it.
After doing some snooping around I found the username and passcode for my house’s wifi router (Roommate 1 had them in his room). I grinned ear to ear as I soon realized what I was going to do.
After class the next day , I went right home, walked immediately into my room, logged into the router and waited for Star Wars dick to emerge. I was never more excited for him to play that fucking game. I kept refreshing the page until I saw his computer was connected. I waited 10 minutes….then….boop! Restricted his internet access just like that. No more Star Wars for him.
You should have seen this guy plug and unplug the router. He was frantic. He couldn’t figure out what went wrong. He asked if I had internet and I obviously said no “It must be a faulty router…”. After an hour of euphoric payback , I turned it back on because unlike him, I had some school work to do and didn’t want my revenge to negatively affect me.
But I wasn’t done there.
Guess what went off every night at 11 pm? Yup.
Guess what stayed off everyday until 2pm? Yup.
Guess what was off when I left to be with my girlfriend for a few days? Or home for the weekend? Or when I just felt like it…? Yup.
I let Roommate 1 in on the revenge. We’d take turns controlling the wifi so if one of us wasn’t around, the other could continue without a hitch.
Roommate 2, being the complete moron that he was, never thought to actually call the internet provider. Being the complete narcissistic and delusional bastard he was, he got his Star Wars fix by playing it in the campus library. Who would have thought? He actually went there for something. I’m not sure how the ACTUAL students felt about that though….
For the remainder of that year, Roommate 1 and I continued fucking with wifi and he hadn’t the slightest clue. In fact, that made living there more livable since his time spent off-line was time spent on cleaning up and being a responsible human being.
“Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
Should have took his advice, dick.
TL;DR: Awful roommate kept me up the night before a huge exam by loudly playing his stupid video game. I failed the exam and exacted my revenge by fucking with the wifi/router for the remainder of the year.