my car simon

Tears On Our Tongues

The ride home after the woods

A SnowBaz fic for the Carry On Countdown


Simon

When we get back to the car, we both sit in an extremely awkward silence.  Neither of us seems to know what to do.  After all, that was possibly the most pivotal moment of both of our lives.  Where do we go from here.?

           Lips and tears and heat and fire.

           When I turn to nervously look at Baz, he’s staring straight ahead, his jaw set and his brow heavy.  He’s gripping the steering wheel with both hands, but doesn’t make a move to actually start the car.  Rain is beginning to dot the windshield, and I can see my own breath whisper into the air.

           Baz is so tense, like he’s only just fully realizing what has happened.

           Lips and tears and heat and fire.  His lips on mine.

           “Um,” I murmur, breaking the silence, “do you want me to drive?”

           He blinks like he’s snapped out of a daze and takes a breath.  “No,” he says without looking at me, “it’s fine.”  He turns the key in the ignition, and I notice his hands shaking.

           “Baz,” I reach out and touch his arm without thinking. “I’d really prefer if I drove.”

           He doesn’t flinch at my touch like I expect him to.  He just stares at my hand on his skin with an odd expression, like he’s trying to figure out something complicated.  Like he’s thinking how did that get there?

           It’s not looking like he’s going to move, so I open my door and walk around to the driver’s side, and only then does he actually get out of the car.  He doesn’t look at me as he passes, barely brushing me with his coat on the way.

           When we’re both in our seats, I start the car and turn us around, heading back the way we came.  I turn on the heat because it’s freezing in here, but not the music. As much as I want to break the silence, I can’t ignore the fact that this isn’t just the normal we-kissed-what-now kind of awkward.  This is the you-almost-killed-yourself-and-as-a-result-we-kissed kind of awkward, which is slightly heavier than the normal awkward.

           Lips and tears and heat and fire.  His lips on mine.  Tears on our tongues.

           I sneak a glance at him.  He gazes at the window.  Not out, just at.  

           “You okay?”  I know it’s a stupid question, of course he’s not, but I have to ask.

           He shrugs and very slightly shakes his head.

           “I know it sounds dumb,” I say quietly, “but it’ll be alright.  You’ll be okay.”

           He doesn’t look at me.  I’m starting to wonder if he ever will again.

Baz

I nearly killed us. I nearly sent us both up in flames and then had him against a tree snogging the life out of him.  And here he is asking if I’m okay.

           Point for him though, because I’m not.  Of course not.

           Lips and tears and heat and fire.  His lips on mine.  Tears on our tongues.  His mouth, so full of heat.

           I’m not okay, and now I’ve let him see in graphic detail exactly how not-okay I am.  I could not have made myself more vulnerable in front of him, and the thought makes me want to curl into a ball, erase the whole thing, make it never happen.

           Except for the kissing.  That part can stay.

           Even though I have no idea if he meant it.  It might have been a final attempt to pull me out of my suicidal funk.  Even the kisses after the fire was out were probably just pity kisses, albeit very desperate pity kisses.

           “Baz,” he says quietly, and I feel him glance at me, “how long… um, how long had you wanted… that?”

           “Forever.”  It comes out without a thought.

           “Oh.”

           “Since fifth year.”  Both are true.

           Simon thinks for a moment.  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

           “You had enough reason to hate me.”

           “I don’t hate you.”

           “You did.”

           “I always thought you hated me.”

           “I did,” I nod, “until I loved you.”  His head whips to face me and I scrunch my eyes shut.  I can’t believe I just said that.  “Until I didn’t hate you anymore,” I try to fix it, but I know it’s too late.  It’s out, it’s in the air between us, and it’s going to stay there forever, taunting me with how he’ll never say it back.

           “Baz -”

           “Please,” I grit through my teeth, a tear squeezing out of my eye, “I can’t.”  The tear makes its way down my cheek until it drips into my mouth, and the taste is like Simon.  I will probably forever associate the taste of tears with kissing Simon.

           “Okay,” he whispers, and we’re quiet for the rest of the drive.  I try to keep my sobs silent, but I’m sure he’s hearing them,

           I could have killed him.  If he’d died, it would have been my fault.

           Tears on our tongues.

           When we finally pull into my driveway, I climb out of the car as soon as we’ve stopped.  I hear him call after me, but I don’t pause.  I slam the car door and start stalking towards the house.  It’s so over for me.  I thought I was ready to die in the woods?  I hadn’t been kissed by the boy I love who will never love me. How am I supposed to live with that?

           His footsteps on the driveway are quick like he’s running after me.  I keep moving, tears blurring my vision.

           He catches up to me at the doorstep, throwing himself between me and the door, blocking my entry.

           “Get out of the way, Snow,” I mutter, looking down. We’re under the porch light now, he’ll be able to see what a mess I am, and I can’t look at his expression.

           “Baz, please.”

           “Please what?” I snap.  “What do you want?”

           I make the mistake of glancing at his face and I find tears running down his cheeks.

           “I want you to know that you’ll be okay,” he sobs, “and that I want you to be okay.”

           “I nearly killed you, Snow,” I say, shuddering, “how can you possibly want me to be okay?”

           Lips and tears and heat and fire.  His lips on mine.  Tears on our tongues.  His mouth, so full of heat.  Flames licking at my vision.

           “You wouldn’t have,” he shakes his head, “you were going to spell me away, and for some reason, that’s more upsetting than if you’d tried to kill both of us.”

           “What makes you think I would have saved you?”

           “It was in your eyes.”

           Right now his eyes are full of something I don’t recognize.

           He takes my hand tentatively.  “I need you to know something,” he tells me through his sobs, “because you probably think that it was a sympathy kiss.”

           That’s exactly what I’m thinking.

           “Please never think that.  Never think that the first kiss, or any kisses after that were out of sympathy.  I kissed you because I wanted to, a lot more than I realized.”  He sniffles, his eyes pleading.  “I’d kiss you again right now, and tomorrow morning, and every day after that and none of it would be out of sympathy, and I need you to understand that.”

           I’m shaking like a leaf.  Because I’m tense, because I’m cold, because I’m in some kind of shock, because of Simon’s words.

           “You’d kiss me again?” I choke, unable to believe what I’m hearing.

           He goes pink and he’s smiling and crying and laughing all at once, and I finally recognize what’s in his eyes because it’s exactly the same thing as what’s in mine.

           He doesn’t answer with words.  He stands on tiptoe and takes me by the lapels of my ruined suit, pressing his mouth into mine and it fits like we’ve been doing this forever, like it’s second nature.  His lips taste like tears again and I’m certain that the taste of tears will always be bittersweet to me now, a reminder that no matter how bad it gets, Simon Snow kissed me because he wanted to.

           And he would again.  He is right now.

           And he would tomorrow morning, and every day after that.

13 months (Part 5)

“JJ you do realise a party needs more than just drink right?” Simon laughs as you and him push back the couches in the lounge to create as much space as possible.
“What else do we need then?” JJ questions, carrying through another crate of beer.
“Food perhaps? Music? Some sort of decoration?” You suggest, brushing your hands.
“Alright fine, music is mine and you two go find some decoration and food" He nods.
JJ had taken it upon himself to put this plan into place. He had decided a party at the sidemen house would be perfect and had invited plenty of people. The other guys were busy filming and editing as usual so he had called upon you and Simon to help him today.
“My car or yours?” Simon asks as the pair of you walk towards the door.
“Yours” You grin, “Just so you can look incredible dorky in your glasses”
“Fuck offf” He whines as you two clamber into the Rover.
The drive is filled with loud music and the pair of you not caring about how loud and bad you sung the lyrics until you reach the store and grab a trolley before heading inside.
“This is gonna be okay you know?” Simon comments, scratching the back of his neck as he walked slowly beside you.
“I know” You take a deep breath, grabbing a big bag of crisps from the shelf.
“Obviously, you and Harry aren’t one hundred percent and you’ve been quiet recently and stuff so I just wanted to make sure” He nods, grabbing a bag you couldn’t quite reach from the top shelf.
“Simon, like it or not, this is horrible. I’ve got one of my closest friends being in love with me for more than a year, a boyfriend that now can’t seem to look me in the eye without getting annoyed that it’s his friend too that we’re talking about and two best friends who constantly want to know if I’m okay so if you wanna know if I’m okay, then I’ll answer with…” You shrug, “No. But this is the way it is”
Simon pauses and looks at you with enough sympathy to make it seem like he was about to cry.
“Alright I’ll go about this the other way” He replies, slinging an arm across your shoulder, “Tonight is the night you put all of your faith in us lot. We’ll sort out everything. I just need you to get enough food to feed the five thousand and drink as much as you want tonight and not care about Lewis or Harry or any of this bullshit that’s been going on because I need my normal best friend back okay?”
“Okay” You chuckle, “But if we don’t have cheese, this isn’t an actual party”
“I’m with you on that!” He grins, “We can do one of those fancy things where you put cubes of the shit on sticks!”
You laugh and follow him as he runs around the store, throwing in anything he deemed good enough for your party. It was the most you’d laughed in a long time. His long limbs charging down the aisles soon to come to a halt when an old granny was walking in his direction and he had to look presentable. He knocked over products in his rampage to make you smile and overall, you’d certainly call it a success. Even with a few casualties.
“Fuck my leg” He groans as you pile the contents of your trolley onto the conveyor belt.
“I told you not to run into the big basket of footballs and what did you do?” You raise your brows.
“I tripped and fell and scared an old woman” He admits, only to make you laugh at the thought of it again, “Fuck off”
“Fine, you’ll stop complaining if I buy you a drink so we’ll stop off at Costa on the way back and I’ll pick something up for you” You mention
You and Simon get back home about an hour later and come bursting through the door after betting him you could beat him there.
“Hey Jide!” Simon yells, taking a sip of the drink in his hand.
“Hey” He scratches the back of his head, “We have a problem”
“What is it?” You frown, expecting something little or irrelevant to be the source of his discomfort.
“Lewis isn’t coming”
You look at him for a second and then down to the floor.
“(Y/n) i-” Simon starts.
“I’ll be back in a bit” You nod, dropping the bags you were carrying and heading back outside. You didn’t care how loudly the door slammed.
You get to Lewis’ and feel an anger bubbling inside you. He was making this difficult. You had to talk to him.
“What are you doing here (y/n)?” He sighs, stepping aside to let him in.
“What do you think you’re doing?” You question, “Why the fuck are you not coming tonight?”
“Being around all of them when they know exactly what’s happening? I’d rather pass and save myself the humiliation” He rolls his eyes.
“Don’t be like that. They’re doing a good thing. They’re trying to help this situation and you have to go and do this don’t you” You scoff, “Stop making this all so difficult Lewis”
“I’m making this difficult?” He raises his brows, “You’re the one who can’t make a fucking decision”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re still flitting between me and Harry. At the slightest thing you’re getting upset about it because of the effect it’s having on all of us” He explains, “Maybe you need to think about what you really want before you start calling for sympathy”
“Hey, I never asked for any of this” You point out, “You think I like seeing my boyfriend think he’s not good enough for me anymore? Seeing my best friend feeling like they’ve lost me? Don’t fucking act like this is all my doing Lewis”
“I’m just saying Harry isn’t all you want anymore. Maybe this has made you realise that” He shrugs nonchalantly.
You step closer to him and for a moment he thinks you’re going to kiss him. Your eyes focused on his.
“Don’t fucking think you ever know how I feel Lewis” You mutter.
“I’m right though aren’t I?” He calls after you when you begin walking to the door.
“No, you’re not,” You respond, “Harry is the best boyfriend I could ask for and I love him. You can’t just expect that to change just because you want it to. Not everything can work the way you want it to”
He stops for a moment.
“So, turn up tonight or not, I’m sick of changing my life to suit you. If you want to sort things out with Harry and the rest of the guys, then I’ll see you later” You nod, closing the door behind you and walking back out to your car, confident in your actions.
~~~Time Skip~~~
You return to the sidemen house, now with Harry, Tobi, Ethan and Emily in the car with you. You were all dressed up for the party and could already hear the music as you pulled up.
For now, you didn’t care about seeing Lewis there or not. If he was, everyone would try to make things work and maybe everyone could move on. If not, he’d made his decision and that was okay with you. Even if you did lose a friend in the process.
“You look beautiful babe” Harry smiles as he opens your car door for you and helps you out.
“Thanks gorgeous” You grin, leaning up to kiss his lips before lacing your fingers with his and heading inside.
“Hey (y/n)! Hey Bog!” JJ calls over the booming grime that filled the house along with the chatter of people.
“Hello JJ” You laugh before your eyes catch with someone’s across the room.
Lewis was walking over to the pair of you, wearing a button up shirt and jeans.
“Good to see you man” Harry nods when Lewis reaches the pair of you, clasping his hand and engaging in a ‘manly’ hug with him.
For now, those thirteen months could be well and truly forgotten.
(My favourite part of this imagine is Simon being cute and making you feel better! Best friend goals!!!)